Admitting defeat, has anyone given up?

[drfostersbra]

I didn't really know what I was letting myself in for all those years ago.
It's not DSD, she is just a child, a product of her upbringing and environment.
All the usual step parenting irks are defeating me. Not feeling comfortable in my own home/ feeling in the background/ a spare part/ at odds with DH's parenting style/ tired of arguing with him over the impact he and her have on me.
ANYWAY every time I think of cutting loose I feel a sense of relief.
Is that a reliable reason the hit the road?
I have a nearly 1 year old with him and I do love him but I keep thinking "it will only get worse" in my head.
It's like we're already separating before we actually have. Separating in terms of casual disrespect between us all becoming the norm.

Is giving up as liberating as it feels it might be?

Thanks for reading.

Billy I think having your own children too makes the ‘self sacrifice model’ very stark, as it is setting up one set of kids to be subservient to their step siblings, and watch their own mother take second place.

It’s not a good role model for kids. It’s different from acknowledging that one parent, their own mum/dad is going to take main decisions regarding his kids. It is not good when day to day you are supposed to fade into the wallpaper of your own house.

Avoiding conflict to assert that you live there too, is really important. Otherwise you are swallowing an awful lot of dominance and being bottom of the pile. Horrible for you

Well, I did mention that we have no children of our own - I never wanted any, and he had his very young (he was just 20 when his first was born) and didn't want any more.

I think things would have been very different had we had a child of our own - as I said the dynamic would be totally different, as I would have fought harder for their "rights" and position. There is compromise in there somewhere, but it would have been extremely difficult and I don't envy the OP.

I myself was the youngest of 7 step-siblings, 3 from my father's new marriage and 4 from my mother's new marriage. I never knew any different, everything was normal to me, but I didn't notice the imbalances until I was over 30! That's a whole new thread...but from experience, I can say that children are remarkably adaptable and many of the emotional traumas they suffer as blended families are emotions projected by the adults. IMHO.

Anyway, yes there was a degree of self sacrifice, but knowing how difficult my relationship is with my father, I didn't want that for any of them, or for DH. I was prepared to step back to spare all of them that - they have still suffered it in some ways, no parental split is without drama or trauma of course - but I can sleep at night knowing that none of that has anything to do with me. The ex has tried her best to implicate me and alienate me, but there is nothing and she failed.

I don't believe I have paid any price. Mine and DH's relationship has never wavered, we never argued about the children (we fight all the time over the bloody dog) because I simply gave way.

I guess I am fortunate that DH is not abusive (meaning he never took my passivity for granted or abused it), and the children were always calm, placid and respectful. Awful as she can be at times, their mother must take some credit for that (and DH of course). I very rarely felt any resentment - I'm not saying I didn't cry quietly at night a few times, or bite my tongue, but I opted for silent acceptance.

I don't see that as a life half lived. We're in our mid 40s, the children are grown, and we have the rest of our lives to bicker over trivial things without affecting any children. Happy days.

billy i read your posts and actually feel sad for you.. From the outside that seems like a horrible way to live

I'm not saying it was always easy, but for me there was no option but to put them and DH first. It was my choice.

I suspect that being the youngest in a massive blended family, and never having a voice of my own for much of my life anyway, I find it very natural to be passive and to be a follower. It isn't difficult for me - I don't resent it.

I read step-parenting threads and I see the conflict and how it arises. And I recognise that though I was able to minimise that conflict, it was only by sacrificing a little of myself to do so. But I was okay with that.

I get that not everyone is like me - I've had counselling where my therapist tried to get me to understand the meaning of being "true to yourself". I struggled to comprehend it and apply it to myself, although I have no problem explaining it to others!

@swingofthings

You raised many good points here and sadly got unnecessarily attacked.

You can't change someone and that's what many people fail to understand.

Nobody is saying to tolerate rudeness...but if your SC is not an outdoor hiking type of person...then leave them be.

You can't make children who they aren't.

Nobody is trying to change anyone though are they? Expecting basic good behaviour from any child is not expecting them to change.

Thanks Sandy.

BillyDaveys, your posts bring a very balanced view on the matter. As you've said, not everyone approach the notion of step-parenting the same way. You probably did in the most extreme way of self-desinvestment but despite some difficult times, which all couple go through, you've made it work and now get to enjoy a strong and secure relationship and a good one with your SC. It worked for you.

HelloSquirrels, I'm still not totally clear what you mean by basic good behaviour not whether this 'bad' behaviour is one that they display for everyone or whether it is directed at you only.

OP as a couple counsellor I see your issues as lying firmly with your dh and not your dsd.
You don’t communicate well, you don’t manage your expectations of each other as people or parents and you are not on the same page in many ways it appears.
I know you say you’d like family therapy... but I seriously think couple work is far more suitable for you. If you can’t afford it just now, get a basic book (look for Relate editions on amazon marketplace as they are almost DIY counselling) and work through it.

I dont have any problems with bad behaviour any more, but when we did - no it wasn't aimed at me, ever actually.

I dont appreciate you inferring that im the problem.

Basic good behaviour for me would be manners, doing as youve been asked, tidying up after youself and behaving at school.

I dont appreciate you inferring that im the problem
Why not? You've never faced issues in life when maybe you might have contributed to the outcome? I have many times, reflected, and acknowledged that some problems were contributed by my behaviour. It doesn't make me a bad person. I don't know anyone who is so perfect they never have anything to change about themselves at times.

I wasn't insinuating that you MUST be the problem, but didn't dismiss that it COULD have been. Clearly it isn't the case and clearly the issue is resolved.

From your description, I wonder how you would qualify my kids. They are not great at tidying after themselves, their bedrooms are tips and I often have to go over them after they've done the dishes. They don't always do as they are told. DS did use to challenge me, now that he is older, he just gives me the 'of course mum' having learnt from his sister, which sometimes ends up with a satisfy outcome, sometimes not (not usually when it involves me asking to tidy their bedroom, or bring down their dirty clothes, but does usually work if I ask them to come home at a certain time, or contact me to let me know where they are).

Do I consider them badly behaved kids? No. They are normal teenagers and I try to focus on the positives. Both of them excel in school, never got into any trouble, are active in sports, have many friends, and always get praised. Only yesterday, I met a dad who always takes DS to football, so I thanked him and he said that it was no trouble at all as DS was lovely.

I wonder though what you would say of them if you were their SM, badly or well behaved?

You are totally right Hello. It’s actuwlly low level abuse that op and others face from kids who consistently ignore or be rude to a step mum. It’s basic stuff and doesn’t really take much. Just a bit of manners, a little cooperation.

No one here posting is saying...
It’s so awful in the house as SM my DSCs don’t want to go for a walk / don’t like my shepherds pie / wear clothes I disapprove of... it’s so awful and my DH never backs me up.

If only it were such trivial things!

But if course, if a kid is rude / totally ignores the step mum, it’s the step mums fault. Go and whip yourself for being so bold as to complain OP!

I mean... you knew what you were letting yourself in for... !

Thanks again everyone. I'm glad to have stumbled upon people who 'get it.'

DSD's mum came round earlier while my DD slept and her and I had a long chat about the intricacies, the difficulties, the grey areas.

It's tricky because though it's good that the communication channels are open, she will always be looking at the situation from the point of view of her own daughter and sometimes I need to be around people who look at it from my point of view and empathise with the difficulty of my having to shrink into the back ground in my own home.

I told DSD's mum that I have always made an effort to not get in the way of DSD and DH's relationship but in doing so have deleted myself from the dynamic when we're all together in a way that's just not workable, healthy or indeed comfortable now that I have DD.

She agreed that this is not what I should be expected to do and said that her DD is coming up to puberty and will need me to talk to which showed how little she understands mine and DSD's dynamic. It's awkward. Pure awkward. I think she's more likely to confide in DH about boys and periods than she is me.

DSD's mum has a partner who has two daughters and she is very close to both of them in a way that I'm really not with DSD, I don't really admire their dad who is happy for DSD's mum to do all the parenting stuff for them when he should be doing that as that's what my own dad did when we were kids, deferring all the parenting (unfairly) to my step mother who really struggled.

So her expectation that DSD might come to confide in me etc is way off the mark.

Ah, it feels like an unwinable game that I'll always be crap at.

I'm hoping that if I can get through these difficult years with DSD at home, she'll look back in her thirties and think I wasn't that bad or at least I tried.

It’s good that you and her Mum can talk. It is tricky but at least you have a level of respect from her parents. That’s so important.

I don’t think it’s good to base any actions on whether your DSD will like you or value you now or in the future. It’s so easy to manipulate that. You just need to know in yourself that you are being decent and kind. Kind to yourself too. Asking for acknowledgment and respect from your DSD is never too much to ask. For her to treat you like a human being and for you to do the same. Good luck.

That's a good point, if I know I'm being kind all will come good in the end and even if it doesn't I will know I've done my best.

The family therapist who contributed further up (sorry on my little phone screen it's hard to find your name)
I agree that the main problem is communication between me and DH
I will look into getting a relate book.

DH can be very moody, I have had DSD and DD this afternoon since picking DSD up from school and we've been having a lovely evening the three of us, playing and dancing- I was just about to go and put dinner on for all of us when DH came in and took me by surprise by being really angry with me about not keeping the back door on the latch.

I was in such a good mood up until that point but it's jarring to have someone be so angry and accusatory towards you.

I explained that I had the baby, was putting away the food shopping and that I don't always remember to keep the back door unlocked, he's accusing me of 'locking him out'

We'd just re-established harmony but now it's all gone shit again.

I'm sorry to write it here, it's just I feel like if I write it all down, I can establish what's really going on here.

swing well id not be happy with them if they lived in my house. I expect a basic level of tidiness from everyone inc myself and dp.

Im sure theyre very well behaved but not tidying up after yourself is just lazy.

Sorry there’s tension with your DH. Does he do it often? If he does that’s a big problem.

I meant that it might be that you have to take being the bad guy in DSDs and DHs eyes possibly - by expecting to be treated with decency by both. If they can’t do that, it’s respect or being a doormat. Iyswim.

Tell him clearly you're not OK with it and if he respects you he'll stop
Yeah... I thought that too when they were little.... then I learnt that when your kids become teenagers, you pick your battles. I speak with parents who worry about their kids' mental health, their future as they struggle at school, their social skills because they can't make friends, or worry because they don't hear from them for hours.

I have none of those worries, I have good kids who are kind, considerate, hard working and responsible. Frankly, however infuriating I find the state of their room, I've learnt to close my eyes to it.

No offense HelloSquirrels, but thank god you are not my kids' SM.

Thank god your kids dont live in my nice and tidy house!

I think its fine to go with whatever works in your house but each family is different. We all have different expectations and thats fine. As long as kids (step or not!) Arent being treated like cinderella then its not a problem. We all have to learn to adapt including children.

I wish my exP had read this thread. I was a "stepmother" to his two, who were both older teenagers when we met. They were no problem at all and I can honesty say I loved them both dearly. Their parents had been separated for >10 years when I met him so there were no issues that I was 'taking mums place' . so far so good. However his relationship with my DS's whilst very positive in the beginning, deteriorated as they one by one entered puberty. In the end, our relationship did not survive the dreadful strain of his 'Victorian' ideas on punishment and consequences. Of course he never lived with his own kids when they were teens, so his ideas were outmoded, outdated and overly critical. I regret the result, but I could not continue to live as we were. The kids are much happier now he has gone, and I am free to parent in the way that I find acceptable. I will never live with another man whilst my boys are at home and I will not get involved with anyone with kids under 18 either. Its all just too painful and too difficult.

I also have a 10 month old with my husband but he has 2 children that live with us full time. I have thought about leaving because of the hatred I have towards these 2. I also don't want my daughter to go through a future divorce followed by a step mother and step father 1 day. I also love my husband dearly. Truly I am mentally in a battle. I could use a friend to talk to about this.

Op- your comment on family therapy sums it all up.

It might be painful for DSD - Why?

You want her to change to your way and no other way, there is no recognition that you have a part to play in the changing.

That your DSDs mum can talk to you and recognises there are issues - but these are of your and your DPs making, not the Ex. She did not ask you to fade into the background, she obviously expects your DP to parent appropriately and he does not. She sounds perfectly reasonable and the bad table manners and behaviour in your house would suggest the dynamic in your house is wrong, nothing to do with EX and all to do with your DP and you.

Your DP may be right - you are a control freak. In a few years time your DC will exhibit habits that you know you never taught them and remember your DSD and how angry you got !!!

I feel the same and we don’t have our own DC so it feels really detached.

I messaged the eldest to see if she needed help buying a present for daddy. I didn’t get a reply so waited to see what happened, as they had organised a nice present for him on Father’s Day previously.

They gave him some random objects wrapped up from their house (including a small toy we had bought one of them last year). I didn’t get anything.