Admitting defeat, has anyone given up?

[drfostersbra]

I didn't really know what I was letting myself in for all those years ago.
It's not DSD, she is just a child, a product of her upbringing and environment.
All the usual step parenting irks are defeating me. Not feeling comfortable in my own home/ feeling in the background/ a spare part/ at odds with DH's parenting style/ tired of arguing with him over the impact he and her have on me.
ANYWAY every time I think of cutting loose I feel a sense of relief.
Is that a reliable reason the hit the road?
I have a nearly 1 year old with him and I do love him but I keep thinking "it will only get worse" in my head.
It's like we're already separating before we actually have. Separating in terms of casual disrespect between us all becoming the norm.

Is giving up as liberating as it feels it might be?

Thanks for reading.

It’s not a bad plan. I regularly took my kids off and tbh I think it gives them one to one time too.

Don’t wait to live a good fun life with your kids, without being weighed down by others, time passes so quickly with them.

It isn't as simple as parenting = outcome. As you will discover with your own child

No, it isnt but a total lack of boundaries is never going to end well.

Op, i really understand.

Ive been with dp 5 years. Shit has happened. Lots and lots of shit. We have a running joke that "next year will be fine". Dss is 13 and im starting to see that there will be an end to this. His behaviour can only get better (with intervention) and the older he gets the less his mother has to do with us.

Its difficult though. Dp at first was classic disney dad but is now much improved. Dss moved in with us for want of an easy life. Didnt happen. Now he has a disney mum which is unhelpful but on the whole he is a much more reasonable human being than he used to be. We get on well most of the time and i leave discipline to dp unless i have to step in, ie when dp isnt here or doesnt see the behaviour.

My view tends to be imagine youre life when theyre adults. Are you happy with your dp? Is it worth the shit youre going through now? For me it is, which is why ive stuck around. I have many many times considered packing my bags.

Those of you considering leaving due to the exs behaviour - dont give them the satisfaction.

hello you’ve highlighted a key factor, is the OPs DH on board? Does he see the point of having a harmonious household and discipline with his kid is part of that?

At the minute he’s blaming the OP for his problem, as he doesn’t even acknowledge his child’s behaviour is a problem. Same with mine, I was the bad guy, my step daughter made him feel that even basics like saying hello were me being over the top and the rot sets in then. Divided unhappy house, unworkable. Ex can then have support of OPs DH that it is step mum to blame and she’s the outsider in her own home. Amazing how common this is.

I’m really pleased it is improving for you Hello it sounds like your DP did see more than just his first families perspective and actually worked with you as a team. Shows anything can be overcome if you are a strong unit.

Don’t make the mistake of waiting for her to go to uni - not all go to uni. Some stay at home and commute and some (like my step daughter) are home for 7 months of the year, despite being “away at uni” because like your step daughter she was brought up in a way which means she now struggles to function with her peers and constantly seeks the cotton wool life of home.

Good point purple.

Thank goodness I broke up with my DP. Although step daughter is now living with her mum she dropped out of Uni and stays around the house with her boyfriend driving her Mum crazy. She would have been living with me if I hadn’t took steps. Really don’t regret that one!

It's tricky because I know for a fact that I'll be around a lot when DSD is at uni age because DD is only 1 so will be only 8 when SD is at uni, I can't imagine she'll go tbh, she's profoundly dyslexic and her mum doesn't have very much ambition and DH is even worse ambition wise.

It's so strange to feel you don't fit in in your own home.

I have arranged for DH, DD and me to go to a pub for Xmas dinner this Xmas and he did ask DSD if she'd like to come but she only eats one of three meals think particular brands of pasta, particular person's Bolognese, particular type of noodle. (literally) so she didn't want to come.

I just feel so fed up, even imagining DSD using my home as a hotel when she's a teen winds me up and we're not even there yet.

The problem is, I'll just end up in another step family situation if I up and leave and I want to keep life simple.

Ahh.

Hearing all these stories make me feel less alone. I get so fed up of people blaming step mums on here when all we really want is to help.
I honestly dont know what my next step is but I know I love my DP and want to be with him plus like someone said above why let a vile ex win and believe me she is vile!
I truly believe she is the cause of why DP doesnt see his eldest DS anymore and have thought about getting in contact with his DM as we were friends many years ago as kids. She knows we have DS together but has never made contact as yet. I sometimes want to IM her but dont want to open a can of worms and make a difficult situation worse 😔

I get so fed up of people blaming step mums on here when all we really want is to help.
Only those who want to be helped/need help will welcome it, that's the problem -that I refer as controlling.

My SM wanted to help too. I now understand, as an adult that she really did mean well. Somehow, she was convinced that my dad and mum were raising me badly, that I had behaviour issues and that I needed all the parenting I could get now so I would grow well.

This attitude caused so many issues. Thankfully, my mum stayed out of it, but it put so much pressure on my dad. She was desperately trying to build a picture of who I was as a child that totally clashed with the image he had of me. Even though I was a child when she came into my life (8yo), it didn't take long for myself to feel that she'd got me totally wrong.

As I grew up, she was proven wrong. I did grow up to be an adult with good manners, respectful, ambitious and just doing very well, the adult child most parents would be proud of. We made up when I had my own children and she admitted that she thought I was doing a great job raising them that she opened up and admitted that she's been much too involved in my parenting and overall too negative.

As said, I've turned out much a much happier and contented adult than her own daughter and she now feels closer to me than her DD.

I myself am coming to terms with the fact that my kids have not turn out exactly as I thought they would do with the education I've given them. I think I've done a good job and they are turning out to be good kids, but I would have expected them to be more outdoor, nature loving, world curious kids. As it is, their interests are very different to mine, and my DS is a very stereotypical kid who likes football, the premiership, his xbox and phone and although working great at school, is not half as motivated getting involved in activities, clubs etc... as I would have expected him to be.

As a child, there is nothing worse than a SM who wants to help by trying to change who you are as a child when both your parents actually think you are a pretty good kid as you are. This is where the resentment grow.

I am a pretty, resilient stubborn person.

Step parenting is the only thing in my life that makes me want to run away. It’s thankless at best and so many awful things at worst.

The lack of recognition is bad enough let alone the resentment and bad treatment by seemingly everyone - family, friends, kids, ex wife etc etc.

I don’t want any medals and am a very unassuming person but by god, sometimes I’d like to know my huge efforts were acknowledged. Being ignored is preferable to being criticised but it’s no way to live is it for healthy self esteem. If others self esteem rely on you not being you, then something is very wrong too!

Almost all the posts of SM who feel so strongly have one thing is common I’d like to know my huge efforts were acknowledged

Feeling this way is totally understandable, everyone want to see their efforts rewarded, and indeed, when you're a parent, you normally do get this reward. However, being a step-parent is accepting that your role is not to make a huge effort in the first place, and it's almost the case that if you feel that there is a need to make that huge effort in the first place, then the relationship is indeed not right from the start.

I think it does come down to the same thing each time and that is that people who meet and form a relationship where children are present always consider their feelings for each other first, and only after these are established, do the consideration of the children comes into it, assuming that with some efforts, it will all fit into places naturally, to then realising that it can become as much as a conflict as there is when two people realise they have very different views in life.

Even then, it is hard. My OH met my two kids early in our relationship and got along brilliantly. They were really close, he constantly told me that he thought I was a great mum raising my children well and he was so grateful... until they hit teenage years! He is finding it difficult, but thankfully is not trying to tell me how to raise my kids instead, he is making no efforts and that certainly is what works best under the circumstances.

And that swing is exactly what I mean!
Why does help mean to control? What a ridiculous statement not every SM is like yours!
Its called having a fair household I personally treat the DC and SS the same and thats where the problem lies its with DP trying to give in to his DSs every want not his needs. Thus giving himself an easy life and causing strife among myself having to pick up the pieces with my DD and our DS. Its not about control at all its about fairness. His DSs wants should not come before all of the DCs needs. Controlling implies we are selfish. I would say any woman in our situation is selfless not selfish we put everyone elses needs before our own thats why we vent here isn't it?!
And purple I completely understand no-one gets how hard it is. My friend always says she doesnt know how I do it and sometimes I wonder how much longer I can take the strain of it all. Medals definately not but acknowledgement and understanding would be nice sometimes.

As a child, there is nothing worse than a SM who wants to help by trying to change who you are as a child when both your parents actually think you are a pretty good kid as you are. This is where the resentment grow

Its not about changing who you are as a person it is not accepting shitty behaviour. Im sorry but why should someone whether a parent or step parent, live with behaviour that is sometimes really awful?

If i wouldn't want my child to behave like that i wouldn't want my step child to behave like that. Its not changing you as a person its being an adult. Did your school teachers change you as a person too?

Why does help mean to control? What a ridiculous statement not every SM is like yours!
So if your neighbour keeps coming to trim your garden and cut your grass even though you don't want them to, but they tell you they want to help make your garden look better, don't you think it would be a controlling attitude?

Or your colleague keeps on taking your tasks from your desk when you are away from it and then tells you that they did it to help you because they can tell you need help.

Help is about giving what the person needs and wants, not what you consider they need.

Its not about changing who you are as a person it is not accepting shitty behaviour. Im sorry but why should someone whether a parent or step parent, live with behaviour that is sometimes really awful

Well if the only way you are going to accept someone is by them not behaving in certain way, then of course it is about expecting them to change. Why should they change for their SM when their parents consider their behaviour acceptable?

We are going around circle but why of why move in with someone if you think their kids' behaviour is so bad. This is the part I really can't fathom!

If i wouldn't want my child to behave like that i wouldn't want my step child to behave like that. Its not changing you as a person its being an adult. Did your school teachers change you as a person too?

Not it's not being an adult, it's being self-centered and expecting everyone to do as you decide because you think you know better.

My school teachers had to adhere to certain rules whether they agree to them or not. If my kids' teacher smacked them because they forgot to do their homework one day and they told me that they had a right to do so because that's how they discipline their own kids, I would put a complaint to the Headteacher immediately. Wouldn't you?

It really depends on what kind of behaviour we are talking about. If for example SC ignors you in your home and you think it's unacceptable and tell your partner to sort the disrespectful behaviour of their child out it's not controlling- it's requiring a minimum standards of socialy acceptable behaviour.
Likewise if SC lives with you FT and does nothing around the house but expects things to be done for them you are in your right to ask for them to start doing their share...or for your partner to sort it out..you are not your SC (or your childrens) maid

Swing you sound ridiculous. Your analogies are totally wrong. Everyones situation is different and yours is nothing like any of the ones already mentioned so you have nothing to offer this thread.
Are you a Step mum or you have just been a Step Child?
Either way it sounds like you dont see what we are trying to say so nothing more to say to you really.

Swing you sound ridiculous. Your analogies are totally wrong. Everyones situation is different and yours is nothing like any of the ones already mentioned so you have nothing to offer this thread.
I think this proves my point about handling hearing different views to yours and why there might be conflict in your relationship.

A lot of things I have read here are exactly what my SM would have said when I was a kid, hence my contribution but I don't mind if you don't want to hear my perspective.

Like everyone in step-parent families, I have issues to deal with too, but my marriage continues to grow stronger each year because I'm prepared to listen to different views and accept that I'm not always right. It's a learning process with many compromises.

*Not it's not being an adult, it's being self-centered and expecting everyone to do as you decide because you think you know better.

My school teachers had to adhere to certain rules whether they agree to them or not. If my kids' teacher smacked them because they forgot to do their homework one day and they told me that they had a right to do so because that's how they discipline their own kids, I would put a complaint to the Headteacher immediately. Wouldn't you?*

Its not about knowing better its about expecting basic good behaviour. It is not too much to ask.

Of course i would complain in that situation but that situation is entirely different and not comparable.

And i dont thin a lot of parents are happy with the behaviour i think a lot just put up with it for fear of not seeing their child or simply not knowing what to do to combat it.

And i dont thin a lot of parents are happy with the behaviour i think a lot just put up with it for fear of not seeing their child or simply not knowing what to do to combat it.
That or another perspective is that parents accept that all child will misbehave and that their role is to discipline their children so that at some point in the future, that behaviour stops, whereas SP expect the behaviour to not happen at all in the first place or dealt with after the first reprimand.

Its not about knowing better its about expecting basic good behaviour.
Except that different parents will have different views of what basic good behaviour is. I considered that my kids screaming in our garden was bad behaviour. If they did it, I didn't consider them to be horrible badly behaved children, I considered that they needed to learn to respect others, so I would raise my voice and tell them to keep it down. After a couple of summers, they learn to play without screaming and shouting.

My new neighbours though consider that gardens are there to let loose and the place to let their kids vent their energy. The fact that this disturbs others is others' problem, not theirs. They don't consider keeping the noise reasonably down basic good behaviour like I do. Nothing that says they are wrong and I'm right or vice versa.

See i disagree. And i dont know anyone who would be happy for their kids behaviour to improve over years rather than weeks or even months.

And there really are basic things like saying please and thank you, not screaming shouting or swearing, no biting hitting kicking etc.

I expect the same level of behaviour from my dss as i do any other child whether they live with me or theyre on a play date or whatever.

Its not about being controlling its about not wanting your step kids to be feral.

Thank you all so much. This is literally the first supportive step parenting thread I've ever come across. I really appreciate your perspectives- all of them.
I had a disastrous step parent growing up the emotional and eventually physical abuse was off the scale so I have always made every effort to be the complete opposite of what I experienced.

I:
a) leave DH and DSD alone on her weekends
b) Don't get involved in stuff that has nothing to do with me
c) stay massively positive about her mum
d) don't bite when she's being naughty just leave it for DH to deal with
e) accept that her and I are incredibly different in our views and interests and respect those differences in fact I admire a lot about her

Where I feel frustrated is mainly around communication with DH of i feel she's not being attended to needs wise.
Also when her behaviour impacts me negatively or my own DD negatively.

Also when her behaviour impacts me negatively or my own DD negatively.

That is the bottom line isn’t it OP. Consistent resentment or rudeness or aggression towards other children from a step sibling, or a child seeing this directed at their Mum over years is an abusive situation. Even if it comes from a teenager.

And then not allowed to even stick up for yourself or your child too, like most SMs who are told to keep quiet. By Exes. By Family. By our DPs.

It is not about difference. It is partly about control, not having any as SM by being told to just put up with being ignored or demeaned. I wouldn’t underestimate the amount of power an older step child has to undermine a SM.

This is so damaging that there isn’t a choice - I had to leave to protect my children. It’s that simple. I would have absolutely loved a decent relationship with my DSD. I bent over backwards. I ended up quite depressed and I knew it was affecting my ability to raise the children who did accept me. We have to provide a reasonably harmonious home for our other children.

It’s not about difference. I couldn’t care less about asserting my opinions. It’s about a minimum level of non conflict in the home.

Everyone needs that. Make sure you get that OP.

100% agree with you bananas. This is the bottom of it..

If a SM would try to dictate who SC can be friends with, what subjects they should do at school or what they can read/watch on tv that could be seen as overstepping the mark..COULD buy it really depends on a given set up as sometimes stepparent takes on full parenting role..

Having basic respect in your own home is not too much to ask and definitely not overstepping..If a partner can't sort out basics with their child they really shouldn't be in a relationship.

I had the ignoring and rudness from my SD too..done in a very passive aggressive way..My DH did react and there were consequences..She is now always saying "hi", letting me know when she leaves etc. She really doesn't like me though and I'm being blamed for almost everything going bad in her life...I apparently control her father and he was great dad before he met me etc. etc. lol
She sees nothing wrong with her own behaviour and takes 0 responsibility on how that affects her father.. and there has been so much drama, chaos and lies from her I could write a book..