Admitting defeat, has anyone given up?

[drfostersbra]

I didn't really know what I was letting myself in for all those years ago.
It's not DSD, she is just a child, a product of her upbringing and environment.
All the usual step parenting irks are defeating me. Not feeling comfortable in my own home/ feeling in the background/ a spare part/ at odds with DH's parenting style/ tired of arguing with him over the impact he and her have on me.
ANYWAY every time I think of cutting loose I feel a sense of relief.
Is that a reliable reason the hit the road?
I have a nearly 1 year old with him and I do love him but I keep thinking "it will only get worse" in my head.
It's like we're already separating before we actually have. Separating in terms of casual disrespect between us all becoming the norm.

Is giving up as liberating as it feels it might be?

Thanks for reading.

For every step child that says that their step parent was too involved there will be another that says they didn't do enough. Stepmums really can't win can they?

Saying "Stepmums really can't win" is a way to avoid listening, understanding and changing if necessary.

Of course its bloody not.

And tbh its generally the step mum that does most to all of the changing.

I totally agree!
My dps ex first ordered me to stay away from her kids. Now she bad mouths me to them and says I don't pay them enough attention!?!
I'm supposed to chop and change to suit how she & her kids are feeling all the time.
Her home situation stays the same.
Dps home situation improves as he's moved in with me & his no longer living alone.
However my kids and I are expected to move mountains to accommodate dps kids (not by dp but by her) all the while she makes no effort to ease her children's relationship with me; refuses point blank to do any drop offs or pick ups; tells me off for daring to feed her children vegetables etc. etc.
May all sound silly but it's very frustrating at times.

Meanwhile their kids are resistant to any type of change & expect the household to revolve around them when they're here. Dp while fantastic re everything else expects this too.
I am a mum and a sm & I'm so proud of & happy that my own kids have a lovely relationship with their sm & help her rather than make her life a misery.

Sorry - just ranting now!
Tough day 😬

magda I feel for you, it seems we're all in the same boat.
I feel like I can cope with it when I'm not tired and stressed and that really is just coping with it.
I feel like my DSD (any child in fact) lies to herself/ he parents or sees things from a very egocentric point of view -very skewed and the insanity sets in when her parents believe her and take the same accusatory tone with me! The one who in the background washes Abd folds her clothes, buys the foods she likes, builds holiday plans around, puts herself on the back burner constantly, shrinks down to fit her and her demands in to the way I run my weekends.

It's endless, the sacrifices and to just be made out as the bad guy is understandable and fine (from the PoV of the child) because families can be pressure cookers but not from my own husband. I suppose everything I say is touching a raw nerve with him so it's bound to all be clouded by emotion.
I find myself fantasising about leaving a lot now days. The relief must be so nice!

I think I'll get all my finances in shape, see if it improves then go!

I haven't read the whole thread and I'm not a step mum nor dealing with a step mum so apologies in advance!

However drfostersbra - it does strike me that as well as your issues with DSD you also have some basic compatibility issues with your DP. You like to go out and about at weekends whereas he likes to stay home and watch TV. It jumped out for me as we are similar. I love going out for lunch or a walk or a movie or exploring a new city or area. My DH doesn't. And nor does my DS. It drives me mad. And it's miserable trying to nag them to do something and then they have faces on.

So as well as your very different parenting styles you are both quite different people anyway.

I agree with Hello.

It’s why I’ve personally never bought into this idea of a SM that should been seen and not heard. I find it totally infantilising and diminishing of my “place” in my own home and dismissive of my parenting choices towards my own child.

If DSD’s mother doesn’t care about table manners that’s her choice - but I do and I’m not going sit and watch a meal I’ve shopped for and prepared being shovelled down with a spoon and fingers or with cutlery held incorrectly whilst “fighting” with my DS why he’s not allowed to do the same. Equally with other things such as rooms being tidy, beds made etc. Same “house rules” for everyone and I’m going to pull anyone up on it if they are not followed.

Weekends are not going to be dominated by what DSD wants to do to keep her happy every possible minute she’s here, she doesn’t get control of the TV at all times or choose exclusively what film we see at the pictures. A planned day out isn’t cancelled because she decides she doesn’t want to go. In short, she’s treated in exactly the same way DS is.

We are a family and we all have a voice - and that includes me - when it comes to how the household functions.

That said I don’t get involved in what I would call “big lifestyle” decisions like where DSD goes to school, her academic choices, if she gets a piercing etc as I do think there are decisions to be made by her parents and her. I’ll give an opinion if asked but that’s it.

I often feel so many blended families don’t work because step parents are often totally isolated and marginalised in their own home. Expected to be supportive, yet have no say whatsoever in how the overall family dynamic functions and criticised for pointing out that it’s failing.

It’s impossible for anyone to stay invested in such a set up. It’s not a family, it’s dictatorship where the needs of a sub set of the family are prioritised above the needs of everyone else - including half siblings.

FWIW I have a great relationship with DSD and mine and DH’s relationship with her mother is also positive. I think that is in part due to the fact that DSD (aside from knowing I love her and would thrown myself under a bus to protect her) respects me and knows I won’t pussy foot around her (no wonder so many step children have no respect for an adult that can’t even enforce something like basic manners saying please/thank you because they aren’t allowed to do “discipline” in the home). I’m fortunate that DH has also agreed this is the right approach.

OP I really think you need to sit down with your DH. He’s fundamentally the problem here.

I think he’s failed to understand that you having a child now has utterly changed the family dynamic. He’s no longer the “only” parent in the house and his (and his ex’s) rules are not the only ones that matter any more. It’s not fair for you to have to “inherit” their parenting styles (especially when you don’t agree with them) wrt to your child.

I’d suggest you maybe consider the set up that’s worked for us - we have “house rules” that everyone is expected to abide by. Basic things around good manners, tidy rooms, making beds, respecting people’s property and privacy, sharing decisions on where to go/what to do at a weekend etc and doing that together.

If he doesn’t want to agree to that then personally I probably would walk away. I couldn’t standby and watch myself/views/esteem being constantly diminished and parenting values discarded.

for you

...and I’ll go fish out my steel knickers for the kicking I’m anticipating from writing the above

Darth Maiden that's an excellent post!
Go you! Really well put.
Dp & I keep things separate for the most part as it's easier but with Christmas looming it's all coming to the fore again.
My eldest will be home from college looking to relax & spend some quality time with us but it will be impossible as all dps do is watch tv/play Xbox, or sit in silent bad moods if it's off or if someone else is using the Xbox.
I'm dreading it but your post is firing me up to talk to dp now!

My youngest DSD made my life very hard for a long time. My dp was the ultimate Disney Dad and he would literally make everything revolve round her. So DSD would choose every meal, where we went, what we did and if she didn't get her own way/was annoyed with something, she would cry and dp never, ever told her off.

I found it hugely frustrating, more so when DSD would do things to deliberately get my DD2 into trouble. The worst was her pouring a glass of water over DD2's bed to make her think she'd wet the bed. DD2 was really upset but considering it was only discovered when she was going to bed and DD2 and I had been out all day, I knew there was no way her bed would be dripping wet after approx. 14 hours from when she was meant to have wet it. DSD was the only one upstairs. She denied it.

It was only when I had a one to one parenting course at home and DP happened to be home for one of the sessions that he realised he was fucking it all up. My DD2 has autism and as I'd had major surgery I was getting the course done at home - she spoke to Dp about his relationship with my DD2 (which is good) and his down DD's. When he referred to DSD2 as 'his perfect princess' she told him that putting her on a pedestal and refusing to acknowledge that she has flaws like everyone else was doing her no favours at all. She told him that in the future she would struggle to form a healthy relationship with anyone if she is brought up to be the centre of everything and treated as some angelic being.

Unfortunately the damage was done, he did get stricter but he left it until she was 12/13 and she didn't take kindly to Dad suddenly saying No to things. So between that and her mum drip feeding the poison she stopped coming to see him.

Her mum died this year and she is living with her stepdad an hour away. Dp is now going through mediation with the stepdad and as a result phones him every Friday to see how DSD is doing. DSD has also been asked to go to mediation and see if she will talk through her reasons for not seeing her dad as she won't talk to her step dad either.

I am not sure you can ever do anything right as a step parent. You try and care, and you are stepping on toes and being 'controlling'. If you step back, you don't care and don't want to see them. You get accused of not loving them like your own, you get accused of not liking them (not EVERY child is likeable) and you get accused of not treating them the same.

I didn't treat her the same. I wasn't allowed to tell her off. I wasn't allowed to ask her to do anything because if I did she went home and told her mum I was picking on her. Consequently she left shit lying about everywhere, lost stuff, blamed me for 'hiding it', blamed me for just about everything.

You try, you keep trying and then you think, fuck this. I don't need it. I don't need the stress. I don't need the depressive feeling knowing they are coming for the weekend and knowing that everything is going to be 'very hard work'.

Do what's right for you. You will regret it if you don't.

Oh and don't listen to Swing, she appears on every SP thread to tell us how we are all doing it wrong.

I think we are approaching it from different perspective. Ultimately, there is no issue in the way a SM sees her role and tackle discipline when this approach is shared with their partner.

The issue here is not that of being a SM per se, but the fact that there is conflict between the SM and their partner, and yet the focus seems to be about the SM being the victim because their partner are refusing to see things her way.

It's no different to various conflict between partners, it's just more of an issue because the cause of the conflict is emotional and difficult to seek compromise. However, there are no two ways about it, if the father is not prepared to adhere to the SM's views on disciplining, it's either a case of accepting, compromising or walking away. No parent should be forced to parent their kids differently just to make someone else happy if it means that themselves, the child -and potentially other family members- are left unhappy.

In the end, I'm not sure what is accomplished by the father agreing to listen to their partner and starts to discipline his kids as the SM sees to be appropriate if that leads to resentment from his part affecting the relationship, and a child who hates the SM.

Swing you seem to project your own experience with your SM and father onto most SM here.

Look if your SM was imposing her parenting on you it's really your father who has made a choice to be with her and listen to her. Sounds like they are still together so their marriage must be strong. Your issue is with your father and unmet expectations, not your SM.

And really from an adult perspective would you rather he left his wife to take care of you as you didn't like her parenting style? Would you rather she left him?

Adults in relationships compromiste all the time. On parenting of their own biological children too. Why should it be different with SC?

I think we are approaching it from different perspective

I think youre seeing it as a poor neglected stepchild. And obviously all step mothers are like yours.

I suppose I might as well add - given I’ve put myself up for a flaming anyway - that I find this whole MN mantra of Step Parents not being involved in discipline and everyone always listening to what the children want extremely frustrating.

How on earth is this good for the children?

Allowing - indeed encouraging - a set up were children can behave appallingly and disrespectfully to an adult in the household or at best simply shrug off the most basic requests without consequence with the adult in question having to calmly say “I’ll speak to your DF/DM about that” (hours later and where all the nuances of what happened are lost and downplayed where it becomes she said vs she said) because that person isn’t the parent is just bonkers.

Why is that in a child’s best interests? What exactly are you teaching them? That it’s ok to be disrespectful to anyone other than a parent? That rules and basic manners are not important?

Likewise pandering to every bloody whim and continually asking if they are “ok” with the minutia of every arrangement - then wondering why you’ve raised a special snowflake who expects every decision to be passed by them and rubber stamped. Great start in life that’s going to be and really helpful in the real world .

I’m all for getting the children involved and asking for their views, but no, they don’t rule the roost.

The problem is when pointing all this out there are always stories of step parents who have admittedly behaved appallingly. However, that doesn’t, in my view mean you should adopt an approach of alienating a step parent and disenfranchising them in their home as the “normalised” response - which is what it seems to have become.

The cries of “how dare you discipline my child/feed them xyz/ask them to do chores/take them to school when they want someone else to do it” etc etc reverberate around many MN threads involving SM’s. It’s banal and self serving in most cases imho.

There is a cabel of posters on MN for whom the presence of a SM in their children’s lives (however loving/caring etc) is deemed to be threatening and offensive. I feel very sad for the children in those situations because the involvement of another caring adult in their lives can be a positive experience if the relationship is allowed to breathe and flourish.

I’m not suggesting it’s a better set up that a nuclear family, but it really doesn’t have to be an axis of evil that some people assume from the offset and work hard to undermine.

Although I can often read things here that I believe are the same things that my SM would have said herself, I don't think my views are purely based on this, but also speaking with SM friends, fathers caught in between and other children of divorced parents.

Look if your SM was imposing her parenting on you it's really your father who has made a choice to be with her and listen to her.
Maybe, but don't you see the other side of it, and that my SM chose to be with my dad and the way he thought was the right way to disciplining me? Why is it him who should have had to listen to her and not her accepting the way he thought right in his disciplining me? I would say that it was more my SM who had unmet expectations than my dad. They are still together, but separated for quite some time and almost divorced. The tension was so bad that I left when I was 15 to leave with strangers and then had my own place at 16. My dad was heartbroken, but in the end, it was for the best.

And really from an adult perspective would you rather he left his wife to take care of you as you didn't like her parenting style? Would you rather she left him?
The issue was not that I didn't like her parenting style, it was that my dad didn't like it. They used to argue all the time, she telling him that I needed to be taught manners, and my dad telling her that she needed to chill out. It was years of stress and tension and I dreaded going because I hated the dynamics of the family.

Why should it be different with SC? Again, if father and SM agrees, then it isn't an issue, however, if they disagree, then no, I don't think a father should be expected to change his ways just to please a SM when it goes against his beliefs.

SM might be portrayed in a very negative way, but my God so are the kids! We are back to the same question. If the kids are such dreadful brats, exhibit such appalling behaviour, and their father doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with it, why or why would anyone agree to move in with them?

My DH refused to move in with his ex because he couldn't stand how she was bringing up her kids he considered brats. She wanted commitment from him, got tired of thinking he would change his mind and they broke up. When we got together, he made it clear to me right away that he wouldn't progress the relationship, let alone move in with me and my kids unless he felt that my parenting skills were aligned with his. I fully agree with him because no way was I going to change my parenting skills just to please someone else, so we had to be on the same wavelength from the start.

Still we've faced difficult times, but we do ultimately agree overall and even if he sometimes disagree with me on some specific matters, I know that overall he respects the way I am bringing up my children. Otherwise, our relationship would have never worked.

There is a cabel of posters on MN for whom the presence of a SM in their children’s lives (however loving/caring etc) is deemed to be threatening and offensive. I feel very sad for the children in those situations because the involvement of another caring adult in their lives can be a positive experience if the relationship is allowed to breathe and flourish.
At least this I fully agree with but that's when it is done in a way that is productive so that the child still feels loved and valued rather than made to feel that they are parasites and that the life of their SM and father would be better if they didn't exist, which is how many SC ended up feeling.

I often feel so many blended families don’t work because step parents are often totally isolated and marginalised in their own home. Expected to be supportive, yet have no say whatsoever in how the overall family dynamic functions and criticised for pointing out that it’s failing.

Very good post Darth - identify too so much with OP and Magda (MANY similar Ex issues - told her kids not to listen to me at all as my house was their house only - that whatever I said was wrong - yet went mental when she sent them to mine with no notice for two weeks on holiday as I was on maternity leave when I had to parent them with a very young baby... grrr... now hates me because I’ve given up my relationship and left my SM role and she can’t send to me anymore.)
And Hello too... for all!

At least Darth you’ve some good advice for OP as it seems to work. Your DSCs seem to have a good relationship, so good for them and you and all. It’s so so sad when fathers, especially fathers, get caught in their kids immature agendas and fight against their new relationships- putting their wives down. No one gains from that.

It’s true if a SM oversteps, however I read of very few who actually do. Most of us are not trying to take over the kids personality, or play Mum, or jump in and dictate Uni choices or clothes or even how late to stay out.

Almost always it’s about the balance of power in the home. Whether that home is fair and harmonious to all. It’s about the step kids taking a tiny, tiny step forward to cooperate. In comparison to the huge strides most SMs and often their step/half siblings are making.

It’s impossible for anyone to stay invested in such a set up. It’s not a family, it’s dictatorship where the needs of a sub set of the family are prioritised above the needs of everyone else - including half siblings.

Unfortunately this is me. I did need to leave. If it doesn’t start to get better OP do take this step. I did it at first as a temporary measure however my own children thrived away from the pressure, and told me how much relief they felt DSD wasn’t there anymore. So I’ll never go back. I’d done it for 5 years and DSD was an adult by the time I left and it was getting worse, with DP becoming more entrenched and allowing his Ex to berate me as the route of all problems. Even accepting his child’s and Exes stance over mine. Impossible when that mindset happens and really damaging to our own mental wellbeing.

DarthMaiden thank you for taking the time to post, I wish there were real life support groups for sms with people like you in them.
I have been so strained and lonely for so long that it's quite emotional for me to read someone understanding what it's like.
I'm tired of persuading everyone that I try really hard with DSD, that I do care that I don't feel the love a parent would feel but I'm always striving to do my best for her.

Thank you.

Well I can assure you that my DSD is not a “parasite” swing.

She’s no more, no less than an equal member of a family that do our best to love and respect each other and other people.

She’s treated no differently than DS (apart from the exception of age appropriate decisions given she is older - but that DS will at the “same” age enjoy in the future).

You do however imho make a good point - that is referenced in my first post on this thread.

What’s important is that the parent AND step parent are in sync on agreed behaviour. I’m fortunate in that it’s the case for me and DH - it’s clearly not for the OP.

It’s why I suggested the OP needs to speak to her DH and agree either a way forward or a way apart if that’s not possible.

The fly in the ointment here though is that many NRP’s are afraid to parent appropriately. They know/believe that if they create boundaries the child has the option of cutting contact - especially when the relationship between the parents is poor. So they don’t - but as MyCats so eloquently described, the long term outcome is rarely positive.

You are very welcome OP

Personally from your posts I think this stood out for me:

* I had a disastrous step parent growing up the emotional and eventually physical abuse was off the scale so I have always made every effort to be the complete opposite of what I experienced.*
*
I:
a) leave DH and DSD alone on her weekends
b) Don't get involved in stuff that has nothing to do with me
c) stay massively positive about her mum
d) don't bite when she's being naughty just leave it for DH to deal with
e) accept that her and I are incredibly different in our views and interests and respect those differences in fact I admire a lot about her*

I appreciate why you’ve done this, but in swinging from one extreme to another in “doing the opposite” you’ve set yourself up for - albeit a different set - of problems.

I’m not surprised you feel lonely. You describe your life as half single parent, half domestic facilitator slave to 2 people who have no respect for you.

In your situation you can either leave, or before you do, give your DH one last chance. Up to you.

Given the subject is so emotive I would write him a letter. Explain why you can’t live like this. You’ve been very articulate on this thread so I’m sure you can do that. Tell him that things need to change or you will carve a new life for yourself and your child away from the “half life” you have now.

Not a SM here but my OH is SD to my DD. I'm appalled at what I've heard on here & actually feel genuinely sorry for some of you ladies. My OH has from the start treated her like his own; he disciplines her as he would his own, he spoils her the same.

For me, there is absolutely no question of him being made to take a back seat with her. I expect him to help provide for her, so why the f**k wouldn't he be allowed to take a positive role in her life?!

Darth - you are speaking all sense & I agree with you totally. We are in danger of creating a generation who feel they have no responsibility to behave with basic respect & manners towards people in general let alone step parents.
When my exs dp moved in my kids noses were a bit out of joint as they were used to having their dad & his house all to themselves. I was the first person to sit them down and say it was her home now also & that they should aim to treat her with respect & that they needed to learn to accept change. That's life - things never stay the same. I did that because I teach my kids to respect other people (while not letting themselves be walked on).
I am constantly shocked at the stories on here & by what I've witnessed myself now as a sm. I just cannot believe the behaviour of some parents & kids.
OP - I would second that until you and your dh can get to the root of your parenting issues you will have a hard road ahead.

Good suggestion re writing a letter!

swing you REALLY think your sm wanting basic manners out of you was too much to ask?