Was I in the wrong?

[Cantgetagoodusername]

Hoping to gain a bit of perspective from others.

DH & I have a DC each & a DC together. I have an amicable relationship with my exdp & have 50/50 shared care of our DD. My DH has an awfu relationship with his ex & at best sees his DD EOW (cancelled by mum frequently due to illness/brownies etc).

He has admitted that he resents me 'as I see my DD more than he sees his' & I believe he feels guilty that in turn he sees my DD more than his own. I have tried to explain that all circumstances are different, but it's almost like he punishes me because of it.

My mum & dad mentioned that they would like a canvas picture of us (me, DH & my 2 DC's- their grandchildren) my DH went mental, he said 'I've got a daughter too & your DD is not even my daughter why should I be in a picture with her & not my own DD

He was so angry & awful that we've not spoken all weekend

My parents always give his DD money/presents for Christmas & birthday & on their & my part there was no deliberate act to leave his DD out.

They just wanted a picture of their grandchildren with their mum & dad.

Is this unreasonable?

[MaggieS41]

So the grandparents can’t have a canvas of her daughters biological children because the ex will be hurt? As if he really gives a shit. He seems like he’s emotionally blackmailing you. His daughter might even feel uncomfortable being added in this photo. Who knows? All step families are different with different dynamics. I’m sure if his parents wanted a canvas they wouldn’t expect OP’s children that the ex is not a father of in the photo! Like OP said, her parents aren’t cruel and very thoughtful of his DD, unlike it seems her ex in laws. 🙄

[CosmicPineapple]

The ex??

OP is married to the DSD father.
Or have I missed something?

[MaggieS41]

Cosmic maybe I did oops...

[swingofthings]

The way you've describe it, I understand it better. It sounds like it's not a case of two ramified families and that's overall accepted, although clearly it does hurt your OH that it is that way.

I think the matter could have been avoided if instead of 'posing' for a picture, it could have been a case of a picture taken of the four of you as you are enjoying a special day and your parents just happened to take a picture and then decided to put that picture on a canvas. That would appear more natural, on the spot type of picture. Could that be an option?

[Biglettuce]

`I do think that you should get a picture but with your DSD included. It doesn’t matter if she’s only met your grandparents a few times or no times, in fact that is even more reason to start including her in symbolic things. Make a fuss of having her there, and insist with your parents.

This simple will mean an awful lot to your DH and to your DSD. I’d hate it if my DP’s parents asked for a portrait without my son - who is no biological relation, but there it is.

And yes, have a word with DH about resenting you about the amount of time. It’s not your fault, and it’s not your kids fault.

I had a word with mine, his resentment was seeping in to how he treated my son. I told him straight he doesn’t get to spill over his emotions onto me or my son who are nothing to do with the fact he sees his kids less. The real reason is they are grown up and my son isn’t! It doesn’t matter. He can feel sadness, I get that, just not take it out on us.

[Samesituation]

I'm going to go against the grain here. Me and my DH have 2 DC together. I have no other DC he has 2 more. After DC2 was born I had some photos done of our 2 DC. Some of which we had framed and are up in our house. I also had some copies done and gave some as gifts to my family members. What is wrong with that? Whilst we are a blended family My DH children are not related to my extended family and unfortunately as horrid as it may sound do they want pictures of my SC??. SC mum also had photos done of SC she let my DH view them and he chose some to have framed, which are also up on our walls. We have them all but individually. We have not yet had opportunity to have all 4 done professionally, only ones we have taken ourselves. Me and DH are not in any of the pictures.

[FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty]

SameSituation, I think the fact that you and your DH aren't in the photos does make a difference. Also the fact that there are two children left out rather than just the one.

If your H was in the professional photos with you and your DCs how would his other children feel do you think, if they came round and saw their dad playing happy families without half his family? It does depend a bit on their ages but I know that my DP's DD gets very territorial when he spends time with my DCs and would be really upset if she ever saw a photo of him with me and my DCs but not her.

I understand how this thinking comes about, especially when you involve wider family, but from a child's POV (and that of a dad who feels hard done by re access) it is inevitably going to feel hurtful - surely anything we can reasonably do to prevent a child needlessly being upset we should do.

[Samesituation]

Hi feedme- I wouldn't put a picture up of just 4 of us in our house I know that is not the right thing to do. But does that mean if my parents wanted a picture of me, DH and our DC they couldn't have one on their wall? SC very rarely visit my parents and I don't think have ever visited my extended family houses. On the other side they do visit DH family and they would want all 6 of us.
There is quite a big age difference 10 years and SC are 10 and 12 - I think it depends on the situation I don't think it's black and white there's lots of grey areas. We live as a 4 as SC live with their mum. Me and my DH have photos of us 4 on our phones for example because sometimes we are at places without SC, but he also has photos of him and his DC when he takes them places without me or our DC. This is usually due to the age difference and me looking after our DC. They have asked in our house many times for me to take a photo of them and just their dad, I didn't insist me or our 2 DC were in the photos (our DC have been in photos with them).
I think OP said her SD would never see the picture, and I think she said that her parents treat SD far better than her DH family treat her DD, so to me like I said it's not always black and white she doesn't say how she tackles that but I guess she just accepts it. Unfortunately we can't make other people behave as we do who live with step family.
However her DH erratic contact with his DD is not OP fault, nor is it her DDs or her parents fault. Her DH really really needs to sort that once and for all, and obviously there are ways. He also knew he eould be living full time with OP DD when they started living together. Step family life is not easy but I'm sure we all do what we think is right for everyone involved.