Was I in the wrong?

[Cantgetagoodusername]

Hoping to gain a bit of perspective from others.

DH & I have a DC each & a DC together. I have an amicable relationship with my exdp & have 50/50 shared care of our DD. My DH has an awfu relationship with his ex & at best sees his DD EOW (cancelled by mum frequently due to illness/brownies etc).

He has admitted that he resents me 'as I see my DD more than he sees his' & I believe he feels guilty that in turn he sees my DD more than his own. I have tried to explain that all circumstances are different, but it's almost like he punishes me because of it.

My mum & dad mentioned that they would like a canvas picture of us (me, DH & my 2 DC's- their grandchildren) my DH went mental, he said 'I've got a daughter too & your DD is not even my daughter why should I be in a picture with her & not my own DD

He was so angry & awful that we've not spoken all weekend

My parents always give his DD money/presents for Christmas & birthday & on their & my part there was no deliberate act to leave his DD out.

They just wanted a picture of their grandchildren with their mum & dad.

Is this unreasonable?

[CosmicPineapple]

But she is related to one of their grandchildren. She is their sister. She is also their son in laws child.

Blending families can be difficult anyway.
Even more so when your own relations create a divide.

[LoverOfCake]

It's not the picture that is the issue, it's the fact that you have gone along with the idea of having a "family picture" of you, your child, your joint child, and your DH. To him that is not his family because his family also includes his dd.

As for his parents not buying presents for your DD, it seems very clear that your families haven't actually accepted your relationship as it is. How much does your DD see his family?

FWIW my DP grew up in foster care. the FC adopted some of the children, didn't adopt some of the others, but they were all expected to call them mum and dad and expected to have ongoing relationships with them even after the FC agreements reached the end. It was pretty toccic really but DP sees these people as his parents and his foster siblings as siblings etc. However when it comes to family functions the mother insists on having family pictures with just her biological children, even though some of the children lived in the house for as long as they did, were adopted, she sees their children as her grandchildren etc. Now that is messed up.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Of course she doesn't because that is plain daft. DSD is not related to her parents and never sees them.

Well the DF isn't related to one of the DC so no need for him to be in it either.

[Breezy1985]

I couldn't just have a special 'family' photo without one of my DC, it just doesn't sit right with me. So if this was me, I wouldn't expect my DP too either.

[wannabestressfree]

I wouldn’t worry about the picture but the next time he pipes up ask him how you can address the access arrangements. He needs to be more proactive.

[DressedCrab]

Well the DF isn't related to one of the DC so no need for him to be in it either.

Except she lives with him, half of the time. Stupid argument.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Except she lives with him, half of the time. Stupid argument.

In your opinion.

I completely disagree.

You are either a family or you aren't. You don't have a family picture without some of the family.

OP also refers to him as her one DCs dad. He isn't.

[stitchglitched]

Except she lives with him half the time. Stupid argument.

So he is expected to pose as the Dad to a child who isn't his but his actual daughter doesn't stay over often enough to make the cut for a family picture?

[Belleoftheball8]

You both committed to each by getting married you could have interrogated both your dc from past relationships better. I completely agree with your dh it’s not a case of you they don’t know her, it’s the family protrait request that has upset him. Why not have one of your and your dc? It’s as if they want to airbrush his dd out it’s pretty hurtful as a parent. I have ds from previous relationship in laws are nice enough but don’t class him as a grandchild but do my other dc and I have to admit I have an uneasiness about it all, there’s no reason they can’t be as loving with him but then aren’t as hands on with the other dc.

[SandyY2K]

I can see both sides to be honest. It's conceivable that they have no desire for his daughter to be in a photo.

People need to be realistic sbd realise a grandparent isn't going to be connected to a child they barely see and is no actual relation to.

They really should have just requested you and your children in the photo.

For me the bigger issue is him being so resentful of you and quite frankly if he didn't stop taking it out on me I'd be done.

His bad relationship with his Ex is not your fault. He needs to put his energy into going to court and getting proper access.

[headintheproverbial]

YABVU - can you imagine what it would feel like for your DSD to be the only one not in the picture?? Horrible FAOD.

Your first DD is not his child either.

[Aderyn17]

So when dh is kicking off about this picture, does he also kick off with his own parents about their lack of inclusion of your dd? Because if not, he's just a bloody hypocrite.

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

i will be having the picture done alone with my 2 DC's
This would be my solution tbh too. I can see why your DH is uncomfortable about being in the photo as he doesn't want to be seen to be excluding his daughter. Families are often complicated these days so I can see where OPs parents are coming from too- my DSD for example has loads of 'step' everything on my side of the family, and we just keep it fairly separate most of the time. They come across each other now and then, but no one needs 150 step relatives being a big feature in their lives and everyone understands that and gets on with it.

[Aderyn17]

When people choose to blend their families, I think they have to accept that although they are a unit to each other, their dc will have different relationships with other family members.
A child they barely see is not a grandchild to the OP's parents - by the same token OP's dsd will have relatives on her mum's side who will not see the dad's other bio child or step child as anything to do with them! That is the nature of step families.

Already the OP's parents buy presents for her dsd, which is more than her own dd gets from the dh's parents.

[Amaried]

I can understand the request from gp that they don't want a pic of a relative stranger in their living room
I also think your dh reaction stems from his own frustration at not seeing his daughter more.
Difficult all round but definitely has the potential to turn toxic so I would
Sit your husband down for a frank discussion about it all. How you can support him win more custody. His reaction to your daughter, the lot.

[Aroundtheworldandback]

I can also see why he’s upset- not very nice at all. Sure, why would they want his daughter in it? Very, very nasty though not to suck it up and include her. Very petty.

[Thymeout]

I don't think there's been any suggestion that Op's parents are refusing to include her Dh's dd. It's more that it didn't occur to them.

In an ideal world, Dh would have 50-50 residency for his dd. She would be able to form close relationships with her sisters and stepmother. The gps would live just down the road and see her regularly - and it would feel like a real family. It would be unthinkable not to include her in a family photo. But that is not what Dh's ex wants. He has 'an awful relationship' with her. She's only allowing limited access of every other weekend, which is often cancelled 'for illness or Brownies'. We don't know what DH's dd wants. It's difficult to see how she would feel at home with her dad's new family since she spends so little time there. Perhaps she'd rather go to Brownies.

It must be dreadfully upsetting for her father, but his attitude seems to be to take it out on everyone else: Op, her parents - and I'm afraid it will also affect his relationship with Op's daughter by her previous relationship.

This isn't just about the photo. That's just a symptom of a much more serious problem. The current set-up isn't working. I think you will probably need some outside help to fix it, because it doesn't sound as if your Dh is open to reason at this point.

[Cantgetagoodusername]

To the posters saying I refer to my DH as my DD's dad, where have I said that? My DD has a father & a good one at that. I stated that my parents wanted a picture of my DC's with their mum & dad- meaning our DC with his dad & my DD with her mum.

My parents aren't mean, nasty or cruel.

Step families aren't 'standard' they vary differently depending on a variety of factors.

I have spoken to DH & he has said that he doesn't feel DSD would be comfortable attending my parents house & having a picture taken. I have said that I will have the picture taken with my 2 DC's but he does now wish to be involved, but I have said this way is for the best.

DSD doesn't consider us to be her family, unfortunately. She has told another member of her family that 'she doesn't have to talk to me as I am just a woman her dad lives with'. It is very difficult but I do try. I organise days out, ensure that DSD has alone time with DH, buy food she likes when she comes here etc.

My DD doesn't see DH family often either.

To the poster saying there is a bigger problem than the picture, I
agree definitely. It's just knowing what to do about it that's the hard part.

[ladybug92]

@cantgetagoodusername, some of the responses here are harsh. I can see where you're coming from. My DSDs have never met my parents and logistically might never due to distance. I will be giving my parents a photo of DD , DH and me. It would be odd to give them one including DSDs. In our home however there are pictures of us all together and moreso of DSDs as we dont see them as much as DD.
I don't think it's exclusive of your SD especially if she will never see it. I can understand your situation is different though as it's your DCs and not a shared one....so it's a bit of a tricky one. Maybe just you and your kids instead if DH too??

[Magda72]

Hi OP - I was one of the ones who said it was harsh of your parents & I'd like to apologise for that now that I know the bigger picture.
I see now where your parents were coming from & knowing more I would definitely say the problem lies with your dh & his guilt. I don't see my dps dc a huge amount due to distances/relationship with their dm etc. and dp struggles with the fact that my relationship with his dc will never be as bonded as his is with my dc, & it's taken us quite sometime (and a few relapses) to realise that we'll never be a fully blended family. Now we accept there's dp & I in one unit, dp & I & my kids in another unit, dp & his kids in a third unit, me & my kids in a fourth unit and the odd time we're all together. I suppose your situation is somewhat similar in that your dp has to get his head around the fact that due to circumstances/distances etc., his dd will always be a little more out of things. That's really sad but is no ones fault. It's just the really rotten part of divorce.
Counselling for your dp would probably help (if he hasn't already been). This would also help with him being able to find the vocabulary to talk to his dd about this type of stuff. He'll need to keep explaining to her as she gets older that SHE'S not being excluded, but that circumstances have dictated that he sees more of your dc than he does of her. She may someday have a sdad who sees more of her that his own kids. If her mum is not seeing anyone at the moment then she will have no perspective.
This is such a hard part of divorce for kids but unfortunately we can't all do 50/50 or live close enough to/have a good relationship with our exes in order to facilitate easier access.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

To the posters saying I refer to my DH as my DD's dad, where have I said that?

You said it in one if your posts....

They just wanted a picture of their grandchildren with their mum & dad.

[thatdearoctopus]

Can I ask those in blended families a tenuously-related question? Would you expect your parents/in-laws to leave shares (equal or otherwise) in their will to step-grandchildren?

[Cantgetagoodusername]

yes piglet they wanted a picture of their grandchildren, my 2 DC's are their grandchildren.

[Cantgetagoodusername]

My DD is their grand daughter & my DS is their grandson. I am mum of my DD & DS & my DH is dad to DS. Hope that helps to clear any confusion.

As I have stated the picture will be taken of just me & my DC's.

Thank you Magda72

[tabymoomoo]

You're either a family, that includes yours sd, or you're not and it sounds like you're not.

I would be very hurt if my parents (for whatever reason) asked for a family photo that excluded one of my children or stepchildren. If your parents want a photo of the family it should include your sd otherwise just get a photo of the two grandchildren on their own. Just because your dh family don't include your dd doesn't mean it's ok.

It all sounds horribly symptomatic of bigger problems. I feel very sorry for your dh.