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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Was I in the wrong?

83 replies

Cantgetagoodusername · 30/10/2017 08:43

Hoping to gain a bit of perspective from others.

DH & I have a DC each & a DC together. I have an amicable relationship with my exdp & have 50/50 shared care of our DD. My DH has an awfu relationship with his ex & at best sees his DD EOW (cancelled by mum frequently due to illness/brownies etc).

He has admitted that he resents me 'as I see my DD more than he sees his' & I believe he feels guilty that in turn he sees my DD more than his own. I have tried to explain that all circumstances are different, but it's almost like he punishes me because of it.

My mum & dad mentioned that they would like a canvas picture of us (me, DH & my 2 DC's- their grandchildren) my DH went mental, he said 'I've got a daughter too & your DD is not even my daughter why should I be in a picture with her & not my own DD

He was so angry & awful that we've not spoken all weekend

My parents always give his DD money/presents for Christmas & birthday & on their & my part there was no deliberate act to leave his DD out.

They just wanted a picture of their grandchildren with their mum & dad.

Is this unreasonable?

OP posts:

Report

Seti · 30/10/2017 12:36

UABVU and I agree with him totally.

OliviaPopeRules · 30/10/2017 12:40

Seriously I understand people have different opinions but some of these response are so OTT.
OP’s parents rarely see their step grandchild and want a photo of their grandchildren with their daughter and her husband and people are saying how horrible they are.

OP said in the original post they buy presents for SDD so clearly they weren’t trying to be mean or cruel.

I can only say again OP your husband is being a dick if he is asking out on you the fact that he doesn’t see enough of his DD and your are clearly not stopping him.

ChevalierTialys · 30/10/2017 12:44

Either commit to having a blended family and include DSD in the photo, or don't and accept your DH's quite rightful feelings of hurt and anger about it.

You and DH need to hash out his feelings of resentment about who sees more of their own DD. It is incredibly painful to be separated from your child and not know if you will see them from one week to the next at someone else's whim. I'm not at all surprised that he is struggling with it but its not fair that he takes this out on you.

swingofthings · 30/10/2017 13:09

In that case, maybe the compromise can be that they take the picture down when you visit with your OP (who will look at the picture with hurt) and definitely the rare occasion his DD might be there.

As for the resentment, there is a difference between feeling resentment and expressing in a negative way. I resent my OH who has a much less stressful job than I, but I'm still happy for him and know it's not his fault. I don't hold it against him or make him feel bad about it, but yeah, I resent it because I wish I too could have a more relax job for the same income.

Cantgetagoodusername · 30/10/2017 13:26

@aderyn17

I have actually said that to him!

As I mentioned my DD is not bought Christmas/birthday presents by my DH's family but my parents actually do for DSD! They aren't cruel or horrible.

i will be having the picture done alone with my 2 DC's.

Unfortunately the resentment is negative. A lot of comments 'it's alright for you, you see your DD' 'how would you feel if you didn't see her as much as you do'

I do understand that it must be difficult for him, but it isn't my fault. He was aware of the situation with my DD (50/50 shared care), to then use it as a weapon to beat me with frequently is unfair.

OP posts:

Textpectation · 30/10/2017 13:39

The picture thing is quite mean. My parents do this and it really bothers my DH. They only want pictures of me or our DC. I don't join in.

It must be very painful for your OH not to be able to see his dd. Not that he should take this out on you. You need to have a serious discussion about this.

Thymeout · 30/10/2017 13:41

The problem here seems to be that it isn't a blended family. Saying it is doesn't make it so. If DH's ex is being unreasonable about access so even he doesn't see her regularly and Op's parents practically never, I can understand why they would need reminding that there was another child in the family.

I think his outrage about the photo is an extension of his transferring his resentment to Op. It's v unfair to Op as it's not something she can do anything about. It really is his problem to solve and he shouldn't be blaming her for the fact he's been unsuccessful. I don't know how the relationship ended, but he seems unable to accept that he may have to take some responsibility for the situation.

I can't see how this is going to get any better. As his daughter grows up, he is likely to see even less of her. It might be time to accept that this is never going to be a blended family and he will need some form of counselling to help him to do this.

Butterymuffin · 30/10/2017 13:50

If the husband here had just said 'look, I'd like my DD to be in a photo as well' all would probably have been fine. But he sounds bitter and resentful. He needs to accept that and sort it out.

Bluebell878275 · 30/10/2017 14:01

I think that was a very cruel suggestion of your parents. The fact that he has even said (you've quoted above) "'it's alright for you, you see your DD' 'how would you feel if you didn't see her as much as you do'" ...to me this shows he has already picked up on how much you don't understand. He may have said some harsh things but I think this situation tipped him over the edge.
Really mean of you and your parents.

Aderyn17 · 30/10/2017 15:14

I think you are all barking. Of course they are not cruel. If the OP's dsd lived with them/the OP's parent saw her frequently and had a relationship with her, then that would be a different matter entirely. But the fact is, this child is pretty much a stranger to them.

Where is all the criticism of the dh's parents, who don't bother to buy Christmas presents for the OP's dd? Or the criticism of the dh, who imo, is bullying her for somethi g which is absolutely not her fault while seemingly doing fuck all to rectify the problem of access to his own child? Where is the concern for OP's dd, who is growing up in this toxic atmosphere?

I can't see this relationship working out unless he gets some counselling and a good solicitor to deal with his ex wife.

Cantgetagoodusername · 30/10/2017 16:08

People seem to have missed where I mentioned (twice) that my DD gets no gifts from DH's family

Not that this bothers me, my parents want to buy her gifts & that's nice of them, his family chose not to & that's up to them.

DSD is a stranger to them as they're to her.

Comments from DH saying 'it's alright for you, you see your DD' can actually stem from being told that he is unable to see his DD due to illness etc. That's not our fault

OP posts:

Fragglewump · 30/10/2017 16:25

I think you are also missing other people’s points. You cannot alter other people’s behaviors e.g your parents or his. But you can act in what is in the best interests of your family. I’m a bit shocked that your dsd has never been to your parents.....70 miles isn’t exactly a transatlantic flight distance but that is besides the point. I would not want a family photo taken without all the members of my family. I understand that it’s not your fault that your Dh doesn’t see his daughter as much as he would like but if it were me I would be trying to make extra sure she was included and felt an important part of your blended family.

DressedCrab · 30/10/2017 16:38

I don't think you are being U. Your parents have no relationship with DSD and never see her. Why would they want a photo of her?They send her presents etc which is more than your H's family do for your DD. He's a prick.

CosmicPineapple · 30/10/2017 17:03

Your parents may not have a connection with DSD but your husband does.

Your parents want a nice family photo without 1 of his children. Can you not understand how hurtful that is?
Your loyalty should lie with him on this.

As for him blaming you and being upset he sees less of his own DD that is a seperate issue but 1 that your parents request has made worse.

OliviaPopeRules · 30/10/2017 17:21

think that was a very cruel suggestion of your parents

Cruel fucking cruel, are you serious? I suggest you get out a bit more if you consider this cruel.
They want a picture of their biological grandchildren not to have the DSD shot!

OP seriously these threads are frequently against the step parent and a lot of the time I agree with people but this is just nuts.
Please don’t take shit from your DH about this, it is not your responsibility that he cannot see his DD, you are not stopping contact.
Even if it was unreasonable (it isn’t) for your parents to ask there is no reason for your DH to take it out on you.

swingofthings · 30/10/2017 17:24

You're right that it isn't your fault that he can't see his DD more often, but things like backing him up would probably help. The fact that it seems you made him feel that he was unreasonable for not being happy to be in the picture without his daughter is not going to help with his comments.

Saying that, why aren't his parents getting presents for your DD. That's outrageous too. Makes it wonder if there is a bit of a 'family war' and tat for tat attitude.

OliviaPopeRules · 30/10/2017 17:25

I despair of these responses
Are they only allowed to take pics when DSD is there once every 2 weeks, every month.
I doubt the OP would care if her DH’s parent asked for a pic excluding her DD because she would understand that they wanted a pic of their grandchildren.
Why is it hurtful to her DH, absolutely ridiculous.
Please don’t buy into this crap that you are in the wrong OP.

stitchglitched · 30/10/2017 17:28

I think it's the fact that they wanted the DH in the photo as the 'Dad' of the family, whilst leaving out his other child, that is hurtful. If they had just asked for a photo of their two grandkids, or the OP and her two, it wouldn't be an issue. But asking for a family portrait whilst leaving out a significant member of the family unit was badly thought out IMO.

CosmicPineapple · 30/10/2017 17:33

Are they only allowed to take pics when DSD is there once every 2 weeks, every month.

Where has anyone said that

This is not just normal pictures. The parents want it on canvas which means it will be displayed.
Whether the OP cares if her DD was excluded is not the point. Her DH does care that 1 of his children will not be included in a family photo. Or do his feelings not matter?
Meh he only sees his other child every few weeks I mean she is barely even family is she.

How about when youngest DD asks why her other sister is not in the photo on grandparents wall? What will they say? Well she is not really your sister as she has a different mum and does not live with you.

The OP is not awful but maybe she needs to support her husband and have a little compassion.
The fact his parents behave badly does not mean hers should be allowed to its not a competition is it?

OliviaPopeRules · 30/10/2017 17:40

OP has said her DSD is never at grandparents house so would never see said picture.
Sorry but I don’t see why her DH is upset that her parents, who lets face it have limited connection with DSD want a picture of their DGC.
I have no doubt he is hurt but I would say it is more to do with not seeing as much air his DD as he would like. As I’m sure the OP sympathises with him but that must stop if he’s taking out on the OP something beyond her control simply because she gets to see more of her DD.

OliviaPopeRules · 30/10/2017 17:43

Also OP said it was a picture to be taken in their front room not a photoshoot.

Anyway OP you need to talk to your DH about the main issue which is his problem with you seeing more of your DD and him along it out on you.

Pic wise just get one of you and the kids for your parents, they are so nbu to want a pic of their GC.

CosmicPineapple · 30/10/2017 17:47

OP has said her DSD is never at grandparents house so would never see said picture

No but they have a younger DC together who will view the other siblings as sisters so may question why one of the sisters is not in the family photo.
Sorry but I don’t see why her DH is upset that her parents, who lets face it have limited connection with DSD want a picture of their DGC.

They want a family photo.
They are excluding a member of that family.
They want OP, DH and their 2 DGC in the photo but not his DD. Of course that is hurtful.

He should not blame tge OP for him seeing less of hus DD but I would think the OP siding with her parents on excluding his child has made him feel resentful.

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CosmicPineapple · 30/10/2017 17:49

Also OP said it was a picture to be taken in their front room not a photoshoot.

Which they want on a canvas. Which will be displayed unless they will pay for it on canvas to then put it in a draw?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 30/10/2017 17:49

Your parents want a nice family photo without 1 of his children. Can you not understand how hurtful that is?

This.

I don't think the OP does see it however.

DressedCrab · 30/10/2017 18:15

I don't think the OP does see it however.

Of course she doesn't because that is plain daft. DSD is not related to her parents and never sees them.

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