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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step siblings sharing???

19 replies

Whatshouldmynamebe321 · 28/10/2017 17:55

So my ex has 50/50 custody of our four children. They all share one room...four years ago he assured me he'd make sure that was temporary.
3 months ago he gets a new girlfriend who has a son and a daughter.
I've just heard they are having a two night sleepover at his dad's where he and my children live. The three youngest all think it's great 6 children all in one room.

My eldest is 15....she struggling with emotions and expressing herself enough as it is. Her dad is manipulating and gives her massive guilt trips if she wants to see friends on his day. So she and I try and plan it all on my days to alleviate the pressure on her. I dread to think how she feels about this sleeping arrangement.
The new girlfriend met with me and agreed to go slow for the kids sake. She s done the absolute opposite. Yes my ex has too, but didn't expect any less from him.

I cannot communicate with my ex as my daughter gets the backlash from it from him.

What the hell do I do? My poor daughter doing her GCSE s and struggling as it is with life!

OP posts:

ohreallyohreallyoh · 28/10/2017 17:59

At 15 she can vote with her feet. Go there after school, eat as a family, watch some tv etc. etc but then come home to you to relax and sleep? Is that possible?

Original poster

Whatshouldmynamebe321 · 28/10/2017 18:02

Very possible in practice.

But not when she's under his manipulation.

I'm feeling so guilty....i broke free from his nasty ways...but have put my daughter right in his path.

He regularly has outbursts with her laying on guilt that she doesn't want to be there. She said she doesnt respond anymore just zones out, but recognises that makes him angrier.

If I suggest she spends more time at mine...she says no no no ....for fear if upsetting her fuckwit of a father.

OP posts:

imokit · 28/10/2017 18:03

Help empower your 15 year old to have a conversation with dad (practise it and things he might say, help her know the words she wants) and if all fails and she feels that strongly about it, be prepared for her to have an epic tantrum and flat out refuse to go (ie don't have plan a formal dinner party at your house that night, in case she's still at yours).
She's 15 she needs to start negotiating her relationships with her parents herself (with support).

Original poster

Whatshouldmynamebe321 · 28/10/2017 18:08

Imokit I have been trying for the last year or so. Dd and I carefully manage her dad and she plans the occasional social activity in his time....plans with me but then takes the suggestion to him so he's in control.
I got her counselling sessions so she could talk through with third party...knowihg that I would be biased. But she didn't feel they helped...i suspect as she struggles to verbalize her thoughts.
I will keep doing the empowering but really feeling awful for her at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatshouldmynamebe321 · 28/10/2017 18:15

Dd doesn't do tantrums. She internalizes everything for fear of upsetting people. Not a healthy trait but one her and I have developed after years of her father's behaviour.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 30/10/2017 19:48

4 children in one room. That's overcrowding surely. Then adding step children to the mix. Good Lord.

Your poor kids. Can she tell her dad she had a lot study/tests/coursework to do so as to spend more time at your place?

She could tell about how week she wabt to do in her exams and that the school are really talking to them about working hat's to achieve good results.

Keep up with the counselling for her and I hope she gains the courage to deal with him. What a nightmare he is.

Do they have bunk beds?

NorthernSpirit · 30/10/2017 21:07

That does sound like over crowding. The NSPCC & local councils don’t recommend that children of the same sex over 10 share a room.

Why is his accommodation so small? Both parents should have adequate accommodation for contact.

Original poster

Whatshouldmynamebe321 · 30/10/2017 21:38

His accommodation is so small because he planned to spend the equity I gave him from our joint property on a loft conversion. I get the impression he's spent it all on the fast cars he buys.

She is so very controlled by her father. She will occasionally open up to me about her true feelings, but clams up very quickly if she senses I might try and talk to him. She will then reassure me that she's perfectly happy with the arrangement. It's really sad and I feel helpless just have to hope one day she's had enough.
But really I was an adult and struggled to break free from him so don't see her ever managing.

The truth is I should have been tougher in court. But considering he managed to manipulate the barristers in the day and I was too weak at the time to face a nasty battle I stupidly settles for the 50/50 under some illusion things would be ok.

OP posts:

Redken24 · 30/10/2017 21:42

Is he a housing association property or private rent? Sorry if I have missed it.

Original poster

Whatshouldmynamebe321 · 30/10/2017 22:38

It's a private property.....his dad's who also lives there.

OP posts:

GoodMorning1 · 30/10/2017 22:46

Can you go back to court and ask for a different settlement. You could say he's not providing adequate accommodation for them. If she's 15 and some of her siblings/step siblings are boys then it's really inappropriate.

NorthernSpirit · 30/10/2017 23:35

Where you married? Did you settle your finances formally through the court with a consent order?

Both parents need to be in a position to provide ‘appropriate accommodation’ for the children. You can’t have 4 children (presuming they are of mixed sex) sharing a room.

When my other half split from his EW he paid the mortgage in full on the FMH, paid child maintenance (circa £200 a month above the CSA level), paid her an allowance ‘spousal maintenance’. It was untenable and he was forced into a 1 bedroom rented flat. The EW continued to live in a 3 bed, 3 bathroom house in a private gated development. When they went to court to settle their finances the judge put a stop to him paying the mortgage and her spousal maintenance allowance so that the father could afford a larger flat ‘appropriate accommodation’ for the children.

Original poster

Whatshouldmynamebe321 · 30/10/2017 23:58

We were not married. But did settle all finances. I bought the property from him giving him ebough equity for a deposit on a house locally. He opted to move in with his dad sayong he would build a loft conversion that hasnt happened. Four years on he says he has no money left....just three cars to show for it. He pays no maintenance.
I could go back to court but worry that in itself will be more damaging for all four children. He is so nasty and gets very angry.

So hard to know what to do for the best.

OP posts:

LadyB49 · 31/10/2017 03:02

If you went back to court or had mediation your daughter's feelings would be very much taken into consideration. At 15 she could decide she no longer wished overnights. Just a one day visit after school. If ex got diff she could refuse to visit at all, or to visit less.
If he got diff over that then its back to further mediation.

At 15 she can refuse to go at all unless he changes his attitude and his living arrangements.
At 15 no-one can make her visit, only her own fear of his backlash.

I honestly think this needs sorted.

You could refuse to send any children to stay, Make it your decision, no visits until sleeping arrangements are sorted. No visits for Dd until study and revision arrangements are in place for her.
Any hassle Then no kids visit or only those who want to.
He hasn't kept to his promise re accommodation.n

Back to court again, You are now stronger and wiser.
Your daughter needs peace and calm for exams. Not overcrowding and fear of her father.
And if he took it out on the other Dc then he doesnt see them either.

Get Social Worker involved.
Dd could find it
Fight your daughter's corner for her.

LadyB49 · 31/10/2017 03:03

not as diff as she fears.

Redken24 · 31/10/2017 04:29

Yeah I wouldn't send yhe kids. It's not fair on any of them to be sharing one room. Go back to court if you have to.
At fifteen I think I went for dinner and that was it to my dad's.

Louw12345 · 02/11/2017 00:16

If your daughter knows what dad is likeand seen what he was like with you you can say to her that noone should be treated in such a way. It isn't nice to make someone do something thwy are not happy with etc.

I do think she should spend more time at all with her preparin for her gcses so she can relax she won't be able to do that at her dad's and she will feel stressed.

My step children 1 boy 1 girl share with my youngest 3 girls. ages from 5 to 8. His stay over every other week, they have the largest room in the house and a bed each amd plenty of room to play. However they are similar ages.

I wouldn't have my eldest 15 in with my youngest ones she wold go mad haha.

I hope you can sort something maybe her nip room in the day and stay at home. You can even say to him there isn't any room for her she's 15 and needs her own space even from her siblings never mind someone else's

NorthernSpirit · 02/11/2017 08:31

The fact that you weren’t married changes the finance situation and there’s no redress for you there.

The father should be paying maintenance. You need to go via CMS if he isn’t paying.

Contact orders only run until 16 so the fact that your daughter is 15 means that you wouldn’t get one at this stage. I don’t agree with others posters that you should stop contact. The children have a right to see their father and by stopping contact you are preventing that right. I do however think it’s weoubg that 4 children are sharing a room. You need to communicate with the ex and ask him what his plans are as this isn’t sustainable.

WhiteCat1704 · 02/11/2017 08:53

You are projecting. Your daughter isn't you. At 15 she can decide to change contact arrangements to suit her. She can live with you but go to him eow or something..Talk to her about it explain what rights she has but YOU don't pressure her. If your ex is as bad as you say and with new partner on the scene she will want out soon enough. Others might follow..

Oh and as its 50/50 there should be no maintenance.

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