Is it normal

[TwoDots]

For all you experienced step mums out there, is it normal to feel waves of sadness? Not so much about the children but about high involvement with an ex, and watching your partner actively parent with another woman. Or does the fact I feel this (not always) mean I’m probably not cut out for step mum life?

Does anyone else feel like this and are still happy in your relationship?

@Magda72 it’s really about very trivial things. She seems to get worse when something happens, I.e when she met me, when my DP said we’re looking for a house together etc. She’ll ring his mum when she knows I’m there etc, 2 hours after seeing her. It’s almost as if she’s reminding everyone she still exists

My partner is sick of it and I am honestly. He has tried to discuss boundaries with her, eg please don’t ring me at work unless an emergency but she doesn’t listen. He sent a very well written text to her yday outlining some boundaries so we shall see. I’ve told him he needs to enforce them every time she crosses them or ignore

I’m hoping it will be easier if she can respect his space a little

That's exactly what dps ex did also, & yes it very much did seem like an enforcing of her existence. We found the only think that lessened it was completely ignoring her as every reasonable request re boundaries was completely ignored. I know it sounds awful but dp literally cut her off. He didn't like doing it but it really had become the only option.
We would get 7am calls about soccer practice, 2am texts about leaking toilets, requests for lifts to the airport, abusive texts all day long about money if we went away for a weekend - I could go on & on. Honestly it was awful so not responding was the only way out. Maybe have a word with dp & see how that tactic might work?

Thank you @Magda72 he is going to do that if she still chooses to ignore his request

I feel better that he’s said something this week and I’ve seen it in writing. Shows he’s trying at least

Hopefully I’ll feel better overall with time

It's really tough Two Dots & I hope it gets better soon. As a mum I know it can be extremely tough to 'make way' for the new woman in your kids lives, but as a sm I know it's just as tough dealing with another woman constantly trying to lay claim to YOUR partner.
A nice glass of red at the end of a tough week sometimes helps

@TwoDots - I'm laughing sadly here to myself - I must have jinxed myself with my comments on here.
Dp & I have had first row in months tonight - ex kicked off, said jump & he said how high!!!
Obviously not as much progress made as I thought!
On & on it goes......

@Magda72 oh no you’re kidding?! Why has he gone and done that? Sets you back doesnt it?

How long has he been putting the boundaries in place?

Was doing great since about March. Everyone's life was more pleasant!
He's been really unwell all week & finally got a doctors appointment for today after work as he defo needs antibiotics.
He txted his eldest to say he had to go to the doctors & would it be ok if he collected them at 9 tomorrow instead of tonight (he'd have to drive 1.5 hours after the doctors & is really feeling crap) - the kids said no problem as they'd get their homework done & have the rest of the weekend free to enjoy with him. He then rang the ex to ok it with her as it's his full weekend with the kids, & she lost the plot - I could hear her screaming down the phone at what a shit dad he is & how he's always letting his kids down. He actually had to hang up to stop her but then he left to collect them asap without going to the doctor & without getting medicine! I'm furious!
It's the first time he's phoned her in months as he NEVER misses any part of his weekends & this is what happens.
I'm really mad with both of them

Sorry for the rant

Magda wow I feel like you just described my life .

The ex has got worse and worse as time has gone on (especially since we had dc) .
She had always rang DH for chats or to talk crap when she knows he is at work . Sent sneaky texts . She sent this long gushing message thanking him for her flowers and generous gift card for her birthday saying that will go a long way on my new perfume on purpose thinking I would see it . Little did she know it was me who got the £15 gift card and flowers for her from her kids ! Always puts like 3 kisses even when she has stopped contact based on her own made up lies or stabbed us in the back in other ways.

When we first moved in together he told her I was on a hen do so she drunken texted him ?! He did not reply . Why he told her my personal business I don’t know .
I tried to be friends with her , went round for a coffee and she had a digital photo frame with 5 pics flicking continuously, 4 recent of her out with friends , 1 of my DH top less on holiday years previous . None of her dc’s .

When we moved in together she made him this huge weird picture and expected him to put it on our wall 😳🙈😩.

She has gone very far this time and I don’t see how she can ever control him or our relationship again. DH has had enough now, all she wants to do is split us up and is severely damaging her children in the process . She really does not seem to care about** anything and loves drama .

We bought iPad so they could text / FaceTime and DH didn’t have to call her . She takes it off them deliberately, answers it and texts him off it. No signs of her moving on or backing off .

Don’t know why part went bold and I am also sorry for the rant .

Rant away

Why do ex’s behave like this? Surely it’s easier to let go and move on fully ?

I have a DC from a previous relationship and I can’t imagine being this way ! I don’t want to phone my ex unless I have to . We get on but I don’t feel it necessary to be in his business . I like his gf too and trust her with my DC.
I really don’t get women who behave this way it’s bizarre.

Twodots you’re so incredibly calm, I think I’d have lost my shit with the woman along time ago. I would hate my DPs ex to be there all the time in the background!
movie a topless picture of your DP I would’ve had to say something... even if in a lighthearted way about how weird that is. Like “Jesus that’s hilarious! Don’t you know how to change the photos on these things? I’ll do it for you if you like”

Exes still trying to mark their territory is really, really annoying,

However it’s also really sad and pathetic.

I wish I’d seen this that way a few years ago when DHs Ex still treated him like her husband. She would constantly phone or text. She even sent him cakes when he fixed computers in her house! Yuk!

I think humour and belitttling it is the best way to go, I just got annoyed but there’s part of our man feeling that they are still needed, still responsible. If we constantly remind our partners how weird it is, then we can let the annoyance pass to them, not us.

I wouldn’t describe me as calm. I regularly lose my $#!¥

Honestly, the constant contact, crying at drop off, having a go at DP for even trying to have a life outside of her yet requesting additional help and childcare all the time, and the moaning that he does t text back quick enough or answer his phone before 8am is certainly tiresome. I don’t understand her, and it’s a shame as I’d get on with her if she could learn to back off

Her ringing me one evening to talk about how hard her life is (she has half the week child free), then went on to tell me about hers and my partners ‘deep bond’ and how things between them won’t change as that’s how it’s always been and always will be,nearly got her a stem talking to. But I smile and bite my tongue

Wino I regularly kick myself that I didn’t say anything I just sat there in total shock . She saw my face change when I noticed it and had a smug evil smirk after that . He was in denial about it like she wouldn’t have done it on purpose so I said if you believe that you are as weird as her . I think he was embarrassed.

She’s a really really creepy wicked woman and even all these years on I can’t believe my DH was with her .

Hoping now she has put us through complete hell I won’t have to deal with any of that anymore as he has seen the light .

I wish I could tell more stories but it would be too identifying. Basically she didn’t want him when she was with him but she hates anyone else being with him . She let me see the DC a few times at the beginning and then decided that he must spend his weekends alone with them and not me so for two years I couldn’t see him at weekends because he allowed her that much control . Only since we have had our own DC has he begun to stand up to her and it’s a good job because she has got a million times worse !

Oh also she made him a glass that said to “his name “ (not to daddy ) you are a super amazing person and a super dad we love you so much and all this crap . When she sends these weird presents you can see the embarrassment in his face . Needless to say that got thrown out .

Op being a step parent is so tough it’s unreal . I have found a lot of support through Instagram and books but it’s never going to be easy . Someone advised me that the best thing you can do is be a friend not a parent to the DSC . I have tried being a Mummy , a friend and something in between . I know in their hearts they love me but their mother is doing a good job of making them feel that this is wrong . Hang in there . You will be surprised at what you can get through with this . One day you just take back your mind if that makes any sense .

Yes we have had all that . She called at 7am because she was pissed off her DC was ill and wanted to moan to DH , late night drunken texts etc .
It’s been YEARS seriously get over yourself woman !
We are now going through court because of shit she has thrown and games she has played and despite telling anyone who will listen lies about us etc she still sends gushy texts with kisses , tries to make his school appointments etc .

@movienight15 that woman sounds seriously unhinged. How can she not feel embarrassed by that behaviour?

How is your DP now? Does he stand up to her?

That’s the thing , writing it down (that’s the tip of the iceberg) shows bad she is , she is also the most cunning and manipulative person I have ever come across .
All these years she has managed to have everyone running around after her and feeling sorry for her / believing her lies .

He is better now yes he sees her for what she is but he has wasted years being wrapped around her finger and has ignored concerns for the DSC welfare because he was scared of her stopping contact , which she did anyway . IMO he should have reported her years ago and gone for custody but it’s like she had this power over him and he just felt so sorry for her !

Felt sorry for her? Men really see things differently don’t they?

Yep sure do . Bizarre . She just plays the poor lonely single Mum card so well but she actually had it made and no matter how much I tried to explain that him and MIL were being played they wouldn’t listen . Now they see but it’s taken years !

Don’t know where she gets all the energy to waste trying to ruin people’s lives including her own children’s . Ultimately it’s them being the most damaged by her actions.

I used to find this. DP has a daughter, and I have no children. I used to feel really secure, knowing he’d experienced bringing a new life into the world with someone that wasn’t me. I used to feel like it wouldn’t get better until we had a baby. We haven’t yet had a baby, but it is better. I have developed quite a friendly relationship with his ex, and DP has been promoted and I’m going to graduate soon. So we’re working towards other life goals together, moving into a bigger house is next on the list. Focusing on the things you do have with your DP will help, and looking forward to the things you will achieve.

Tbh two dots I think it can equally be hard when you have a child with someone and the relationship breaks down and there’s another woman or men involved in your children’s lives someone you might not no. I think both sides equally have struggles.

Also to add back in the early days my ex’s then gf (now his DW) would come on pick ups and literally just look at me and say nothing. The thing was I knew her as me and my dh went to school together and were in the same year. Ex however used to ring me early hours of the morning when he was with in a relationship with her and I never answered or messaged so I don’t know if she knew and she was off with me but she was clearly threatened as he left me for another ex so had insecurities already. Her attitude completely changed however when I was pregnant with dd. I think she knew I had no interest in her dp not that I did in the first place and after that there has been no issues. She speaks to me if she sees me out and about.

So I’m guessing it is normal to feel insecure but as I meantioned in my precious post it can be easy for the other parent to feel insecure about being replaced as a parent for their dc.

A little update

It all kicked off a bit last week. The ex came into the house at drop off and cried for half an hour as thing have changed. She’s upset he no longer texts her and isn’t how he always was. She hasn’t quite accepted that splitting up means a change in the relationship. She sees it as her, my DP and their dd as the centre of the world and all new relationships should work around that as the nucleus. She doesn’t care if that upsets her DP or me, but she can’t accept she’s not the focus she once was. She truly thinks her relationship with my DP is more important than her relationship with her DP. Madness

I think crying about the breakdown of their relationship says a lot. They are perfectly friendly and civil so it hasn’t broken down to hatred etc. She just can no longer send him selfies!

I’m starting to think my feelings are a bit more justified. I knew there was more to it than just co parenting on her part