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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Help! new SM and want to run!

102 replies

nekobusu77 · 15/10/2017 06:45

31 year old. To marry father (37) of 7 year old girl....and going CRAZY.
Bf and I are perfect together - except for this one thing - DSD.

It seams a 100 times a day I think
"I can do this- Do it for him" - then...
"I can't do this! I'm going crazy"

I can't handle the resentment, the loss of control of my life, heartbreak and pain. I love this man, he's the best I've ever had, but what do I do?
I used to cry a lot. Now I've gone from sad to angry.
Angry that he can't stand up to his ex. Angry that DSD rules his life completely. Angry he can't stand up to his daughter and stop parenting out of guilt. All conversations are about her.

I feel like the outsider. I am his nanny by day. Sex toy by night. He gets everything he wants. I asked for one Sunday together every 5 weeks. I asked for that one day where I get him alone and he snaps "You want me to disown my daughter!" Just cos I asked for a day. (He has her thur, fri, sun, mon)

I've stopped fighting now. Given up asking for what I want.
We are going to counseling soon. I don't think he'll ever change.
Help

OP posts:
AnnaFender · 16/10/2017 20:58

It sounds, sadly, like the life of a step parent may not be for you. My DH is step dad to my two eldest. We don't get one day every few weeks for our relationship, or every few months for that matter! what if his daughter lived with him full time? would you expect her to be farmed out for a day every few weeks then?

I don't have a lot of extra support, the DDs dad lives abroad and doesn't see them much. We now have a DD together aswell. I'm happy that my partner has never asked me to put the kids second so he can have my undivided attention for the day.

It's short sighted too. Like all parents know, their childhood passes so quickly. And one day before you're ready they will be grown up and not need you in the same way anymore.

But ultimately, if you can't love his daughter and be a family together, you really would be better off walking away.

Wdigin2this · 27/10/2017 12:07

If this child is ruling his life now, it'll only get worse as she gets older. You are accepting very little out of this relationship, so ask yourself...'What's in it for me?'

Santawontbelong · 27/10/2017 12:11

Unless you want any future dc you have together to be second fiddle also then it's time to call things a day. If you marry and get pregnant your life will be much worse.

Wishingandwaiting · 27/10/2017 12:17

Op
If you have children with this man and stay together, you won’t have one day every 5 weeks just you and him. Your children will be around. Why? Because you are family.

And it’s the same case with his DD.

NewLove · 27/10/2017 12:56

Wishingandwaiting - the Dp and ex will have had the romancing stage of the relationship before having children. This is something that Sps don't get. It can make relationships very strained as you don't get to form a 'normal' organic relationship. Adding a bitter ex and SK into the mix makes it even more strained. The first family get to evolved slowly over time and develop naturally, a SM is forced into an unnatural family as an outsider and cannot form an easy and natural bond with the partner. It is a hard situation to deal with and you need the patience of a saint to do it - it wasn't for me and I got out. Never again will I form a relationship with someone who already has children.

Wishingandwaiting · 27/10/2017 13:15

Yes I get that NewLove, but that’s what comes with growing older and new relationships. It doesn’t mean you get to circumvent the fact that one of you has a child. And I’m sure the OP and this chap have managed to carve out some time to themselves... they’re engaged after all

ShotsFired · 27/10/2017 15:46

@nekobusu77 how did you reach this point in your relationship without seeing what was coming?

Surely it's always been this way with him and his daughter? Were you promised something else or was it hidden from you? I am not trying to be mean - did you just not look for fear of what you might see, perhaps?

You have some very hard thinking to do, but on what you have said so far, this is not the right time for you to succeed as a couple.

Original poster
nekobusu77 · 31/10/2017 03:24

Hello
Thank you for your comments.

UPDATE:
I started getting the pains of a stress induced stomach ulser.
I was pulling back. Gave excuses not to go over to his place.
I started to think like I was single. I felt like I got half my brain back.

DH offered a Sunday. I thought. Too little to late. But I let myself get excited.
The week rolled on. We got Thursday off too for some reason and the Sunday. I had an amazing time. Even just being on the couch, going to the pool, getting take away. Love bombed.
And we're going to couples therapy.

The engagement felt sad. So it's on hold or off. We might try again later.

So.. what to do? If DP can find time for me once in a while and show boundaries with the ex and show the relationship is important then it is me. I'm the problem. I think the sessions are going to be about me not step mothering hard enough. That sounds weird. My jealousy is the problem. I may not be suited for this.
To walk away of fight?

Update 2

I think I'll be going alone to the counseling tonight.
SD had an asthma attack :( poor thing.
What if it was stress induced from not seeing her dad Sunday!? :(

OP posts:
Original poster
nekobusu77 · 31/10/2017 04:18

First step- day off in 4 months. Could be 5.

OP posts:
Redken24 · 31/10/2017 04:34

Being a step parent is extremely difficult - you can't do wrong for doing right.

Either you want to be with this guy and everything that comes with that or not.
Hope you do what is best for your self.

FinallyHere · 31/10/2017 08:34

then it is me. I'm the problem

I think you are torturing yourself with this and sometimes, it's just that the timing is not right. Later, when his DC are older, he will have more bandwidth for personal relationships beyond the children. Don't just hang about waiting for crumbs, so and have a great life. If he is right, he will come and find you when he is ready. All the best

Original poster
nekobusu77 · 31/10/2017 09:48

Just back from counseling.
Talked about our roles in the family and ideal family and expectation of me.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 31/10/2017 09:55

I wouldn't go through with it, OP. You want a relationship with a man who doesn't have a child - I don't blame you; that's what I would've wanted at your age. I wanted to experience having a child together and before that I wanted to able to spend most of my free time with him.

Break away. Move away if the place you live in is too small. Date men who don't have family commitments and enjoy your time with them. This isn't the man for you.

Original poster
nekobusu77 · 02/11/2017 01:15

But he's my dream man.

Today I saw a friend have a pregnancy announcement. (happy for her)
I felt a bit triggered. I want a husband and baby and uncomplicated life. In turmoil. What am I doing with my life?

OP posts:
Redken24 · 02/11/2017 06:04

He obviously isn't your dream man if you have so many doubts.

sadandanxious · 02/11/2017 14:06

Look I'm all for adult relationships being put first at times. But that only works when both people are on board. It really sounds like he's not on board with that and he's not your dream man.

I want a husband and baby and uncomplicated life

It sounds like you like the idea of this but it's not the reality you live in. Kids do complicate things, there's no denying that. It sounds like you want a husband who doesn't have DC already, who wants to start from scratch and give your relationship everything. And that's fine. But you're not going to get any of that in your current relationship.

You need to figure out if you can come to terms with your actual reality or whether it's time to move on.

NewLove · 03/11/2017 13:53

Talked about our roles in the family and ideal family and expectation of me.

What is he expecting from you? As a SM with no parental rights there shouldn't be any expectations other than you are nice to the children. As SMs keep getting reminded time and time again you are not their parent - therefore there should be no expectations and anything you offer in terms of 'parenting' is a bonus.

RedBunny · 08/11/2017 10:15

Seriously run away. Run the fuck away!! I read all this sort of thing when I was engaged to my DH and of course i didn’t listen. But now I feel like I’m stuck here because stepson doesn’t stay over anymore so it should be “easier” but actually now when he comes round he gets to be way ruder and get away with it because he never stays. In my experience, most women haven’t found its ever got better or easier at all. I’m so sorry I have nothing more positive to say!!

RavingRoo · 08/11/2017 10:25

Being a good mother is hard. Being a good stepmum is harder. I think you know this relationship isn’t going anywhere, just leave.

SimoneOfHouseDavies · 08/11/2017 10:46

You are not suited to the step parent life. Sorry, but it's true. If you're not prepared to be a family with him and his daughter, you need to walk away.

As a child my step parents on both sides just wanted to start new families with my parents and didn't care about me and my sister. We always felt not as important as the new step parents who got all parents attention and if we made a fuss we were told we were being selfish because the parent and step parent relationship was more important (for their happiness)

My partner of four years has stepped into the step parent role without making any demands of me to make time for him alone. I'd leave him if he did. We are alone together two nights during the week and Saturday day times while kids are with their dad. During summer he plays cricket Saturdays. If we want a weekend away, just us, we negotiate with exdh for him to have them the whole weekend, then the weekend after we have them the whole weekend in return (maybe happens a handful of times a year, or less). I think that's enough time together, including our evenings after the kids have gone to bed, and then spending time together as a family. He loves my children like his own, although it can be challenging at times, he'd never ask me to see them less for him. If you can't do that it's not going to work. Have you tried including the dsd in family activities altogether? If so do you enjoy this family time or just feel resentful of her/not want her to be there? Then there's your answer because she's not going anywhere.

Ven83 · 08/11/2017 16:29

Didn’t read the whole thread but:
OP, why don’t you ask him to cut down on his working hours instead so you’d have more time together during the week? Or take an occasional day off work on days he doesn’t have his daughter? Why are you turning it into you vs her? You’re projecting your insecurities and doubts about this relationship onto a 7 year old girl, that’s an unhealthy way of dealing with the issues you have with him. You feel that he’s wonderful but also that he uses you as a nanny and a sex toy; this contradiction is what you need to focus on. Him ‘proving his love’ for you by giving up on time with his child he clearly loves dearly will not solve anything, it will just build up more resentment.

HeckyPeck · 09/11/2017 20:41

I can't believe some of the replies on here! Did people miss the fact that he lashes out at her? Or should she just accept that as a lowly step mum?

Haffdonga · 09/11/2017 20:49

Hecky I think lashes out means speaks crossly (verbally) not physically. Not that that makes it OK.

skunkrat · 09/11/2017 22:07

You are blaming his child which is wrong IMO

Leave and find someone else

HeckyPeck · 10/11/2017 08:09

So he lashes out (unclear as to what this involves), does 0 parenting and throws you scraps to keep you around.

What are his good points?

Do you think there's a possibility that you want a husband/family so much that you're overlooking who he actually is?

You still have plenty of time to find someone who isn't a selfish agressive arse.

There are a lot of men out there (with or without children) who aren't agreesive and selfish so please don't settle for this one.