Help! new SM and want to run!

[nekobusu77]

31 year old. To marry father (37) of 7 year old girl....and going CRAZY.
Bf and I are perfect together - except for this one thing - DSD.

It seams a 100 times a day I think
"I can do this- Do it for him" - then...
"I can't do this! I'm going crazy"

I can't handle the resentment, the loss of control of my life, heartbreak and pain. I love this man, he's the best I've ever had, but what do I do?
I used to cry a lot. Now I've gone from sad to angry.
Angry that he can't stand up to his ex. Angry that DSD rules his life completely. Angry he can't stand up to his daughter and stop parenting out of guilt. All conversations are about her.

I feel like the outsider. I am his nanny by day. Sex toy by night. He gets everything he wants. I asked for one Sunday together every 5 weeks. I asked for that one day where I get him alone and he snaps "You want me to disown my daughter!" Just cos I asked for a day. (He has her thur, fri, sun, mon)

I've stopped fighting now. Given up asking for what I want.
We are going to counseling soon. I don't think he'll ever change.
Help

I agree that you are choosing to exclude yourself.

Leave him. He is not worth it. There is no space in his life for you. You deserve somebody better who will respecr your needs and love you and put you first.

The attitiude he has towards his DD will produce a spoiled, entiltiled, ungrateful person.

Childrens needs come first until they can take care for themselvs. A relationship between a men and wife should be at a top though. Always. If its not well...you can see what happens to the children by reading this boards..having divorced parents must be hard..

OP I often feel like you do. It’s like a rollercoaster of emotions. For the most part I love being with my partner but due to past events, I am harbouring a lot of resentment which we are both working on now. It’s not easy but I think it will worth it (you’ve got me on a good day)

My resentment is more geared towards his ex though, which is easier to deal with in a sense. I really like my DSD so I don’t have negative feelings towards her

My DP also works every Saturday and has DSD every Sunday. In fact Sunday is always the dreaded handover day often with ex drama

I accept this and it’s ok. What I didn’t accept was how bad he was with other parts of his life, mostly time management, and I looked at where he could save on time which wouldn’t affect his daughter. Something he does for me now occasionally is take a Saturday off work, finish work early etc. It makes me feel he is putting the time in but doesnt impact his daughter. Honestly things have improved massively

I’ve also asked for boundaries surrounding his ex so our week, particularly the nights he doesn’t have DSD is not too interrupted and we get our time together

You both have to put in the effort and really cherish the time you do have. When your DSD is there you really could have a lot of fun and still feel part of a family. It’s a lovely feeling

Please talk to your partner calmly. Yes a child’s needs should be a priority but so should a serious relationship. If the relationship is solid and strong and both needs are being met, this trickles down through the family and hopefully things should run more smoothly

Could you not spend Sunday together during the day with his daughter, but then occasionally book a baby sitter in the evening so that you can go out for dinner together? That’s the only way married parents can manage time together generally! Do you ever go on holiday together? Does his ex wife ever go on holiday with his daughter? You need to maximise those times when you don’t have her to stay! But as other people have said, I think your resentment runs too deep. It’s clear that if you have your own children together, that you will then be pushing for time alone on weekends with just your children. Understandable from your perspective, but very hurtful for your DSD. I think it takes a certain type of woman who can take on a ready made family and accept you will never be the first priority over his children, and the ex will always have a presence in your lives. Find yourself someone without this baggage. That way you will have time for dating and being the centre of his world until you have children together.

And once again MN lives in a parallel universe where the focus is on putting the stepkids first and nuts to everybody else.

OP you deserve to be happy. You deserve to have somebody who sometimes puts you first. It's not much to ask for one day in every 5 weeks. It's okay for things to change when a new relationship starts - aka not seeing his daughter for that one day. But it does sound like your bf won't even give you that. You deserve more than just scraps

you're not asking too much OP - one day every five weeks is a pitiful ambition and you are right to describe it as scraps. If your DP only saw his DD every other weekend and one night in the week, it would be unreasonable to ask him to swap a weekend day. As it is, seeing her regularly through the week, you should also be able to have some time at the weekend with your partner.

With him working Saturdays that becomes tricky and I think your suggestion of a regular, although not frequent, day dedicated to the two of you is a very fair one.

His reaction to that speaks volumes. You will never come first. Your wedding day and honeymoon will revolve around your DSD; if you have a baby, expect that his contact with DSD will continue around that, you will be left literally holding the baby while his efforts not to make DSD feel pushed out will make you resentful on behalf of your baby.

It's one thing to come to terms with his previous life, settle into a complicated step parenting situation and compromise on your vision for your family in order to be with a man who has DCs. It's quite another to go into it knowing that you will never get the compromise you seek because to him it's clear cut, DSD comes first at all times. You won't be able to build a loving relationship with a child who is the cause of such unhappiness for you.

People saying DCs must come first and that married parents don't get a night off don't understand that not all families are like theirs. In a married family you are both working towards the same goal for your DCs, both have intense love for them and equal responsiblity for them. In a step family it's different, you don't have that unconditional love to see you through, you are frequently pushed out by both parents, told that you're not a mum so you don't have a say, made to feel like you're stealing their dad away, even when they're with their mum. It's fucking hard and without even a glimpse of understanding of that from your DP you don't stand a chance. Sorry, I think you need to walk away from this now.

Lunar is right this relationship isn't right for you and that's ok to admit that, getting married and having a baby will only intensify your resentment further. You have to remember here she is only 7 years old she's only a child it doesn't mean she has narcissistic traits of her mother. It sounds like you can't disassociate her from your dp ex. By any chance does she look like her mother?

I can understand your dp being defensive of his dd and rightly so. When me and my DH got together he understood that we came as a package with DS and we had a total of two nights when DS isn't with us. Now we have additional kids we don't have much time together unless we have a baby sitter it's just part and parcel of parenting last time we went out was three months before that was six months ago. Some people include sc in that situation others don't. But at the end of the day he wasn't always going to be unable to fully commit himself to you because he has a child from a previous relationship . I also agree reading your posts even if you had that Sunday it would never be enough you want more and he cannot give you that.

You're already seeing her mother in her. The kid doesn't stand a chance and she has no alternative to her father; you do.

True. I do see her as a compromise to being with him sad
So be totally honest with yourself, if you told him this, do you think he would still want to marry you? Yes, by keeping it to yourself for the time being, you are not allowing him to know exactly the challenges that will come with being married.

How long have you been together? It sounds like you need to take a step back and slow down. You need to learn to get used to the idea that your perfect man can't be all yours and that not only you'll need to learn to share him, but to share him to someone who really should always come first. It's a very hard thing to accept and indeed take a lot of emotional maturity to do so. So either you'll grow more mature and secure as you build your relationship before getting married, or you'll acknowledge that you'll never be able to accept this fact and that however perfect this man seems, he isn't because you will NEVER have him without what you see as his baggage.

Whatever you do, DO NOT think of marrying him with him believing that you want to play happy family, to then start making demands that he changes his way with his daughter because you will have 'bagged' him and he will then have no choice but to go with your demands. It never ends well that way. You need to marry him with him knowing how you feel and both prepared to make compromises so that both don't end up resenting each other.

Hi OP, sorry you are feeling low. It sounds like your BF is the resident parent as he has his daughter the majority of the time-is that the case? If so, you will potentially be moving in with a father and his child and they very much come as a package. So it would be the case of getting a trusted relative or friend to babysit if you wanted time Alone which all resident parents have to do.
Are you ready to have a full time parental role?
What is a concern is how you say you are treated like a nanny- sounds like you feel like the hired help? That doesn’t sound good and marrying him may not be the right move for you.

You're not cut out to be a step parent. That's ok actually, it's not for everyone. But it's far better to admit that now and to walk away than to become one of those step parents who states that they tolerate the dsc because of how much they love the man.

For the people who say that the OP has the right to be put first and have alone time as part of a new relationship, the reality here is that a new relationship where there are also children in the mix is different to one where there aren't. So where normally you would get together, see each other, spend time together doing house things and relationship things before you think about having children, if there are children in the mix the children stuff happens at the same time as the new relationship beginning and you don't necessarily get those things. And if you're the one without children then that can be a difficult concept to adapt to. Some people have what it takes,many more really don't.

But as your DSD lives with you more or less full-time she comes as part of the package and her needs need to be prioritised by her father. If you were her parent you would just see it as life that you don't get a day to yourselves every five weeks or so, any parent who posted on mn saying "I think that my kids should go to their grandparents/friends/somewhere else so that me and DH can have a day for just us every five weeks," would be told that the children were theirs and as such they have no right to the expectation of a day off for just couple time. But because you're not biologically her parent it feels different to you because you have chosen to be with her father but she wasn't part of your thought process. She is part of his though, and as such he will always prioritise her above you, and actually no, I don't agree that contact should and can be changed if a partner starts a new relationship.

if she occasionally goes to a friend or wherever else you can of course utilise that time for yourselves. But it shouldn't be an expectation. And unfortunately if you don't want to think like that then it's best to walk away now.

Oh and, a seven year old does not show the traits of her mother and you have absolutely no idea what kind of teenager she will turn out to be. Labelling a seven year old is unreasonable in the extreme. There is every chance she harbours some resentment towards you because of you coming into her father's life, but your resentment towards her is very plainly evident.

These step parenting situations where the children are entirely to blame because of the hideous influences of the evil ex are very rarely that black and white, and the step parent usually carries a portion of the blame too.

One day a month together isn’t much to ask.

I think some men use their role as father or ex to put up a barrier with you.

If he wanted to spend one day a month with his daughter exclusively I expect he would and you’d be fine?

My DP did this, his ex had most weekends with just her and bf, helped them a lot. Us? Never... ! Too much. I was ready to walk.

Couldn’t disagree more lover. I think the OP isn’t the problem at all.

Absolutely fine and good to have exclusive time with your DP. Anything else is forcing everyone into one space, all the time, and ignoring the needs of everyone to grow with each other. Madness.

Good for DSD to spend more time with her mum and dad separately one to one too.

Being a step parent is hard, and it's the "little" things that blind side you.
I'm a Mum of 2 and step Mum of 3. We've been a blended family for 10 years. I still get blind sided sometimes. It's still hard sometimes.
I don't think you sound immature. I think you sound out of your depth. I think you are looking for support and understanding from the man you love. It doesn't sound like you are getting it.

Before you marry this man please consider this...

• You love him. That does not automatically mean you will love his daughter. She's only 7. Give it time. You may never love her, and that's ok. That's normal. You did not get into this relationship because you wanted to parent his daughter. Don't beat yourself up over it. You are certainly not scum.
• His daughter will always be his baby. When she's 60 she will be his baby. That's as it should be, for her sake. BUT, for the sake of your relationship, you need to come first sometimes too. He needs to make time for the 2 of you, and you need to be able to show a united front to the world even if you disagree in private. He's probably scared of loosing his daughter and can't see that he's driving you away.
• His ex will always cause issues. She sees you as a threat to her relationship with her daughter. You can't change that, don't try. At the end of the day it, will he back you when it matters?
• You say the relationship has gone bad. Do you want to make it better? Does he? Is there enough good stuff in your relationship to balance the bad stuff? Trust me, in a blended family there will always be bad stuff. There will always be stuff you don't agree on, stuff that can blow up out of the blue and threaten your relationship. You both have to be totally committed to making the relationship work, otherwise it won't, no matter how much you want it to.
• You want a baby. That's normal and totally understandable, especially at 31. The biological clock has kicked in big time, and that can be all consuming. BUT.... do you want a baby with this man, in this situation? Baby's are hard work without making it harder than it has to be.

I think you would be wise to take a step back and look at the situation for what it is, rather than perhaps what you want it to be. Are you seeing your boyfriend as HE is rather than as you want him to be? Be honest with yourself, and be kind to yourself. Understanding his point of view does not mean you have to make excuses for him. It just means that there are issues you both need to address before you can embark on a long term future together.

Good luck.

I am his nanny by day. Sex toy by night. He gets everything he wants.

THAT'S why he wants to marry you!
He treats you like shit because he knows you have no self respect, you have very low standards and will accept any 'scraps' thrown at you.

I know i'm being harsh......however, all i've done is summed up your situation in one sentence.

Why haven't you sought therapy for your issues?

If the baby was yours you wouldn’t have ‘time alone’ unless you had a babysitter or in the evenings. It is difficult to ask him to change contact with his daughter to spend alone time with you, I think in years to come if you two split up and he’s letting your baby down to spend time with the new gf you’d have a different perspective.

I do think it’s time to accept you’ll never really be happy with this guy. You can say it’d be perfect if she wasn’t there/was around less but a) she will always be there and b) it probably wouldn’t be because you clearly already have a disconnect with him - you’re blaming it on the presence of dd but if you had a solid relationship I don’t think four days a week of having a child in the home would ruin that.

Trust me. Get out whilst you can. Honestly I love my DP and we have a wonderful DD but I have DSD and to be frank - it spoils everything. Find someone who you can start a life with together on the same page.

Leave this man.

Sorry, I know being a step parent is hard but how can you resent his 7 year old child.

If that genuinely Is how you feel that is not healthy for anyone

It sounds like you have more grievances than that though.

It doesn’t matter the flashes of good, if these feelings are poisoning everything.

Please, cut this dead before you fuck his daughter’s life up.

Of course he doesn’t see you on a Sunday, he is not going to sacrifice time with his child. I would never ask my partner to do that in a million years.

This is about a child not you and if you cannot take a step back and realise that then you should not be a step parent.

So many ultra altruistic posters..Where are you ppl in RL?

OP of course it's about YOU. Its your topic, you are asking for advice and it's your life. Looks like your DP is fighting his DDs corner(or is a selfish men that wants it ALL on your behalf and doesn't get that divorce and new partnership have consequences).

Leave him so he doesn't destroy your life! He is responsible for what he has already done to his DD-split up with her mother and tore her family apart(doesn't matter who left whom). He is trying to pretend it will not affect her by putting her "first". It is all about his feelings of guilt concious or not. He is doing it on your behalf - don't let him!
You deserve a loving partner who has respect for you...one day in 5 weeks is frankly a radiculous..hardly enough.

He should find a balance where both you and DD are happy and get your needs met as he can't do that he is not ready for a serious relationship with a women.

I’m assuming that when you were dating, he made time for you without dsd there. Can he do the same time slots now? Yanbu to try and organise adult time but can’t you both take annual leave or something?

If your partner is all about dsd, do you think he’ll make time for you and any children you have? Dsd is at yours part-time so he may do the Disney Dad thing of spending extra time with her so that she doesn’t feel pushed out. If you have a baby with him then you need to be prepared that you’ll be doing lots of it alone. It will hard not feeling resentful when he’s busy with dsd while you’re struggling to get out of the toilet because you’re so sick all day. It sounds like you’re heading towards a situation where dsd is prioritised over any babies with you.

Children are all-consuming and quite rightly dsd is number one in your dp’s mind. If you are resentful of this then you need to find a childless man and not have any babies until you are ready to do the same. You clearly don’t like dsd (the comments about her being like her mum are shocking)

He's a father who loves his DD and takes his parenting role seriously. Hopefully for his DD, he'll be doing this for the next 11 years at least. If you can't accept that, then you shouldn't marry him.

If the ex is a nightmare, have you considered how much she’s going to affect any pregnancy? I’ve read some major horror stories on here that I wouldn’t wish in anyone.

I can't quite understand how you got to the stage of being engaged in the first place, if this is how you have been living for the entire relationship?

Surely you had dates, etc, when you first met? What has changed?

^But inbeween there are moments of sweetness and it's so lovely.
Yes, I get scraps ,but it's worth it^

Sweet scraps will soon turn sour.
Listen, listen, and listen again to your inner voice, your spidey senses and make the decision that you HAVE to make, not the one that you WANT to.

Leave him so he doesn't destroy your life! He is responsible for what he has already done to his DD-split up with her mother and tore her family apart(doesn't matter who left whom). He is trying to pretend it will not affect her by putting her "first".

That’s really true. It’s all about him. His DD won’t care that you have one day together once a month. Her mother may well be angry and knows that you lack time at the weekends, which may be why she’s not offering. You are caught between a selfish man, and angry woman. It’s not about DD she’s being used by him to not care enough about your relationship.