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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Help! new SM and want to run!

102 replies

nekobusu77 · 15/10/2017 06:45

31 year old. To marry father (37) of 7 year old girl....and going CRAZY.
Bf and I are perfect together - except for this one thing - DSD.

It seams a 100 times a day I think
"I can do this- Do it for him" - then...
"I can't do this! I'm going crazy"

I can't handle the resentment, the loss of control of my life, heartbreak and pain. I love this man, he's the best I've ever had, but what do I do?
I used to cry a lot. Now I've gone from sad to angry.
Angry that he can't stand up to his ex. Angry that DSD rules his life completely. Angry he can't stand up to his daughter and stop parenting out of guilt. All conversations are about her.

I feel like the outsider. I am his nanny by day. Sex toy by night. He gets everything he wants. I asked for one Sunday together every 5 weeks. I asked for that one day where I get him alone and he snaps "You want me to disown my daughter!" Just cos I asked for a day. (He has her thur, fri, sun, mon)

I've stopped fighting now. Given up asking for what I want.
We are going to counseling soon. I don't think he'll ever change.
Help

OP posts:
GreatBigWindow · 15/10/2017 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redfairy · 15/10/2017 07:49

With due respect OP you come across as having issues that mean you are not even in a good place to be starting a relat
ionship let alone coping with a stepmother role. No-one should be asking for scraps in a relationship.
Positive step parenting isnt about simmering resentment, laying the sins of the mother at the step child's door or tolerating their presence.
I know you've mentioned couples therapy but have you thought about being seen on your own?

Zampa · 15/10/2017 07:50

Don't expect to "love" your DSD immediately. It doesn't work like that. I've known mine DSC for 5 years (my DP for over 6) and we're still working on it (although I, of course, care about them).

I don't think you can ever ask your partner to sacrifice time with his child. It's certainly not fair on his daughter for you to ask that of him. His child was there first and must be a priority.

I'd recommend walking away if you can't put this little girl first.

TBH I'd never recommend any friend getting involved with an NRP. I had years of heartbreak and stress because of the behaviour of DP's and despite that now being resolved, it had left its mark.

Zampa · 15/10/2017 07:51

*DP's ex

hippyhippyshake · 15/10/2017 07:55

Wouldn't it suit everyone better if weekends were alternate? I know that means you would have dsd on your own every other Saturday but you would also have every other Sunday to do grown up stuff. Wouldn't his x prefer that as well? As it stands no one can ever go away for a weekend because every weekend has a handover day in the middle.

Original poster
nekobusu77 · 15/10/2017 07:56

I feel so raw right now.
Was I hoping to feel someone say - yeah I had anxiety and resentments too, but after yada yada I got over it... - I think

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 15/10/2017 07:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

poppl · 15/10/2017 07:59

You will not get over it. Everything will be magnified once you’re married and it will be unlivable for everyone

Original poster
nekobusu77 · 15/10/2017 08:02

"DP seems unable to see that his new partner needs some of his time too. He should surely be able to have a life and a DD."

That's my view too. Asking for one day in 5 or 6 weeks (even parents have a date night- doesn't mean the child is not number one)

OP posts:
Original poster
nekobusu77 · 15/10/2017 08:03

yes, he works Saturdays then picks her up Sat night straight from work.

OP posts:
poppl · 15/10/2017 08:04

It’s not that though, it’s the rest of it. It all just sounds really resentment packed and unhealthy.

And fundamentally, if you liked his daughter and had a good relationship then no, a day every five weeks wouldn’t be a problem. But it’s not like that - it sounds like you’d be living through five weeks of shit to get one good day with him. And that is shit for everyone.

lunar1 · 15/10/2017 08:04

Everything you feel now will be magnified if you marry, add a new baby into the mix and it will be a thousand times harder.

You resent the child for existing, if your relationship was that important to either of you then you would make something of the days dsd is not there. What does it tell you that neither of you bother? A magic Sunday every five weeks won’t change that.

He has nothing more to give to his existing situation, what will he have to offer a new baby?

Fairylea · 15/10/2017 08:05

I think you still see dsd as separate to your relationship with dh. If you are looking to marry and have a child of your own then essentially you are one big family. One and all. It’s natural he wants to spend as much time with her as he can. The whole wanting Sunday’s thing makes me feel you don’t really want to see her as part of your family.

Original poster
nekobusu77 · 15/10/2017 08:07

When I don't have the energy to Step- Child come first, agreed, so like today DSD and DP are hanging out together. Bit lonely and raw at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
nekobusu77 · 15/10/2017 08:08

oh no. Your right.
Oh god. I have to split up with my fiance. I can't do it :(
How can I not have these feelings?

OP posts:
Original poster
nekobusu77 · 15/10/2017 08:09

you're.
I do see them as separate.

OP posts:
Original poster
nekobusu77 · 15/10/2017 08:11

how do I see her as part of the family? Please help

OP posts:
Original poster
nekobusu77 · 15/10/2017 08:12

I do wish he saw I need time with him too though.
I'm the only one fighting for us.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 15/10/2017 08:27

You can’t win if you see yourself in a fight against someone’s child.

He is not going to change, he’s telling you that in everything he says and does. It’s better to call time on this now rather than in a few years. The chances are if you have a baby with him he will prioritise his dd even more.

Tilapia · 15/10/2017 08:28

The thing is, you’re describing the life of a parent. If you’re with the father of your child you don’t get any time off as a couple unless you get a babysitter.

So make use of the nights when DSD is at her Mum’s- Tues and Wed. Go out for dinner and enjoy yourself!

GreenTulips · 15/10/2017 08:30

No-one should be asking for scraps in a relationship

We had 3 kids under 2
No help from family

We were lucky to get 'scraps'

You're on the outside because you chose to be - you can be with him AND her and have fun - that's how families work we look after the kids together

Your choosing to be excluded

Unfortunately they aren't little formlong so he has the right idea of enjoying her whilst she's small - you should too

Build some traditions and fun some days out as a family

Same as we have to

Cruciatus · 15/10/2017 08:39

You do sound incredibly immature and not focused on the needs a child! The child should come first

I think this is unfair. The welfare of the child should come first not the child should come first. I married a man with a dd and I imagined us all fitting in together but instead I got Disney dad and a child, now adult, who learned to manipulate and expected to trump every other person and event. I stuck it out and, while I was so often told by dh and his ex that I "don't get it because you're not a parent" our children together are now teenagers and are not put before all else. Their well being is of course and they are always safe and secure and we make choices in their best interests but that means they know they are part of a whole (family) - not the whole on their own. They are expected to pull their weight and wait their turn to speak/have their choice in outings and so on. If dsd had been parented by her father they would have had some chance of a healthy relationship but as it is, she is in her late 20's and speaks to her father like he is something she stepped in. Unless she wants something.
We went to counselling OP, the counsellor advised similar as did dh's family. Dh was too scared he would not be allowed contact if dsd complained (which she did frequently and he would go months without seeing her). Our latest counselling session was recently and triggered by dsd's behaviour. We have been together 25 years. The same shit 25 years on!

Footle · 15/10/2017 08:42

Just tolerating her isn’t enough, as I think you know. It could go either way - you could find yourself loving or loathing her - but it doesn’t seem very hopeful , does it?
You’re brave to face it head on as you are doing here. I wish you the courage to make all your lives better, not worse.

FinallyHere · 15/10/2017 08:44

I'm the only one fighting for us.

Sorry, Neko another way of looking at this, is that you are adding to the pressure on an already overburdened person. It's actually right that parents put their DC first. He just doesn't have that much left over for you. You are very convenient and he probably is glad to have you around but still, why would you continue if your needs are not being met?

Please don't think that if you now have a child with him, you will go up the priority order, that would just not be very kind. Find someone who does have time for you, and for a family that you build together.

poppl · 15/10/2017 08:44

You’re fighting for the wrong “us”. In a relationship with someone who has a child, “us” includes the child 99% of the time.

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