Did you take DSC on honeymoon?

[sadandanxious]

Just that really. If you did / didn't what were your reasons?

OP it is 100% ok not to include children in your honeymoon and even wedding if it's only the 2 of you. Step or biological it really really shouldn't matter in this case.

Some ppl have a very wierd approach and will never exclude their DC from anything..they won't even go on holiday as just a couple and look down and judge others that do. Don't mind them..I can only guess how unhappy their actual adult relationship is and how they feel the need to overcompensate by making their child a center of universe for everything (poor child btw.).

confused has revealed how your DSD may well feel. It's worth looking at why you think that's pathetic.

There's no need to elope abroad, either. You could get married here with just DD and a random witness (my wedding was with 2 witnesses, because I hate people making a fuss) and a brief blessing in your home church straight after the morning service one Sunday (as when family are complex, as mine are, then church family and friends become your family IME).
And maybe separate honeymoon from that, if you want one - I think people's gut reaction is it's totally reasonable to honeymoon alone but not to get married without her there regardless of what she might say now, because of the symbolism of it, and how that might hurt now or in the future. And I do think that's fair enough - once there are children I think you do lose the right to "just have what you want".

WhiteCat it's not necessarily so black and white. DH and I holidayed earlier this year without DSD. I'm now pregnant and would holiday without both children in future if the opportunity arose! I think many on this thread would say the same - look how many have said that honeymooning alone is fine! But overall opinion seems to be that it just doesn't seem right to exclude DSD if OP and her DF plan on getting married while they're there.

Totally agree with you WhiteCat

Eliza - what you you mean the symbolism that she doesn't always come first? DP and I have absolutely zero issue teaching our DC (step included) that it's okay to put adult relationships first sometimes - and that includes the right to get married where and when and with whom we see fit.

We don't have to elope abroad. We want to elope abroad.

Why would we have a church blessing if we're marrying here? I really don't see the point of not marrying in our church if we're not going abroad.

Like I said earlier, some people see weddings as about family, other people (us) see weddings as about a couple making a personal commitment to one another.

I think people forgot that your original post was simply to share what they have done and why. You don't need to defend your decision. I'm sure things will work out fine if the adults around her are mature enough to handle things sensitively x

I think there are a million ways to help a step child feel welcome, having their own bedroom, being fair, sensitivity, holidays. Your marriage is just that, your marriage. If you have your parents there though I would have your step children. No need for the honeymoon though.

It’s a minefield, being a SM. And it’s really important to take care of you as a couple, most second marriages fail, the ones with kids, so you’ll need special times together and absolutely do put yourselves first, some but not all of the time.

I was bridesmaid at my dads second wedding, but found it excruciating. Hated the dress. I’d have not in a million years wanted to join them on honeymoon, awkward! So it’s not always the right thing either, making the step kids central. Again, minefield. As the strong views here show.

It’s a marathon not a sprint! So take care of yourself.

Thanks goose and biglettuce

You're right about a lot of second marriages failing and often it's because the adults fail to make the adult relationships a priority.

No intention of having my parents (or anyone bar 2 random witnesses and the officiator) at our wedding.

Also because there are higher rates in depression for SMs than any other parent. Doesn’t surprise me.

'You're right about a lot of second marriages failing and often it's because the adults fail to make the adult relationships a priority.'

On what piece of evidence based research do you base that little nugget of wisdom? Perhaps a that a lot of second marriages like yours will fail because one of the adults involved can't cope with NOT being the priority? Excluding a child on one of the most important and significant days of your life? Definitely not a recipe for happy ever after.

Excellent post @Lelloteddy

Lello-that's why first, second, third marriages fail. Because who in their right mind will want to be second best while putting the other person first?? And it's not only children(bio and step) that can be a catalyst..it can be a job, a hobby, a primary family -mother and father, an addiction etc.

SC have it hard but that's life. Their parents have decided to break their primary family and move on and form other relationships but we all have baggage and things to deal with.

A couple, even with chldren, can have a private wedding ceremony for just 2 of them if they can sort out childcare. It's not a recipe for disaster but an opportunity for something special between the new husband and wife. It's not about the children, not everything should be.

A couple, even with chldren, can have a private wedding ceremony for just 2 of them if they can sort out childcare. It's not a recipe for disaster but an opportunity for something special between the new husband and wife. It's not about the children, not everything should be.

This ^^ exactly!!

Hahaha yeah okay Lello well let's just say I'm glad to be marrying the man I am marrying rather than the bunch of miserable fuckers that often reside on mumsnet

I know there isn’t conclusive evidence as to why second marriages fail, but a lot of studies do point to the strain children from first marriages can put, the power they have to break up a second marriage (contrary to the majority view that they are powerless victims), and the strain on step mothers.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/200910/guess-who-has-the-power-in-remarriage-children

sadamdanxious

I've been a "stepmum" for a few yrs (not married but engaged). The main reason we aren't married yet is because SD (9) is so awful to me I can't bear the thought of having her at our wedding. SD (7) is great and my DS is great to his stepdad.

SD (9) is consistently vile to me, vandalises my things, rude, lies etc. She's the person who causes me most grief in the world yet of course I can't get married without her there. Every family occasion she creates drama, arguments and makes everything about her. it's caused me so many problems. I have tried to help her so much in lots of ways over the years but have now completely detached as I developed bad anxiety and it nearly broke DP and I because I hated having her around so much because of the impact she has on all of us. Her own sister spent much of this wkend in tears because she's so awful to everyone.

I hate it because I want nothing more than to marry DP but I can't even think about doing it knowing that she will have to be there and of course can't suggest having her sister and my son and not her.

I wonder if posters who have been "left out" of their dad's wedding in the last were the same. It's hard - kids are kids but grown ups are entitled to a wedding day they can enjoy. The world does not revolve around stepkids. It's hard being a stepchild but it doesn't give you carte Blanche to treat people like shit and expect no consequences.

sadandanxious I have also read tons of books on stepfamilies and overwhelmingly the advice is to focus on the primary relationship between the adults. Since we have done this and focused less on the problems caused by SD we have been so much stronger.

Good luck OP and hope you have a wonderful wedding

Do kids care that much about weddings? I know I didn’t at that age.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but my DH and I went on holiday without our DS (not a honeymoon but a holiday for a week), so no judgement here.

I am a mum & step mum but I am still me, a person, a woman.

My children are everything to me & I dedicate myself to them in every way BUT we're also entitled to do something just for 'us'.

My & DH chose to get married in vegas, just the two of us for a number of reasons & we don't regret the decision over a year later. Why should we? It was everything we wanted to do. Making a commitment to each other in an amazing place, built in honeymoon, no hassle or stress (i was surprised how easy it was!)

My DH's ex would never have allowed SD to attend & there was no way we were being dictated to about how & where we were going to marry

Whatever your reasons for wanting to do this, stand by them, don't feel guilty for them!

All family circumstances are different, so go with what fits yours.

howtodowills I'm sorry your SD is so awful to you. Would you ever consider getting married just the 2 of you?

Thanks for sharing that article Biglettuce. It was really interesting.

mogulfield I really don't think kids are that bothered. My brother was bored stiff when my older sister married and he hated every second of it (claiming he's "never going to get married" ) and he must have been about the same age DSD will be when we do.

That sounds lovely ilovevegas. Was there much paperwork involved to get married there? Doubt we'll do Vegas but it's interesting to hear how difficult or easy it is in various locations. Definitely sounds like you did what's best for your family. I don't understand why ex's refuse to let their DC go to these things!

Unfortunately for us, my SD seems to be used as a weapon to cause maximum damage/stress. It's not fair or right.

So easy! Marriage license done online, all ready to collect from marriage license bureau in.vegas cost $100, marriage chapel booked online $110.

On the day we collected the license in the morning, walked half a mile to the chapel, double checked it was booked, walked back to the hotel, then spend the rest of the day in the hot sun by the pool, got ready & into my wedding dress & got married at 19.30pm.

It was so amazing

I found done countries had a lot of 'red tape' & seemed a lot of hassle. So vegas seemed the one for us, we loved it!

Good luck OP, we really enjoyed looking at all these amazing countries & finding out what the options were.

No we didn’t, although we were accused of not caring for our son/step son because otherwise we wouldn’t book a holiday by the bitter ex lol. She is allowed holidays but not us apparently

That sounds so easy ilovevegas! Will definitely be a consideration for us. I'd love to get married in New Zealand or Australia but I've no idea how difficult or easy it is.

That's a silly attitude by his ex bitzy. Gosh how dare us stepmothers have the same right to a child free holiday as their mother.

We took my DSC on holiday with us immediately after the wedding because we didn't want them to feel their DF had married me and immediately disappeared/abandoned them.

The kids were 9, 11 and 13. (My DDs were grown up and didn't join us!).

We wanted to get married with all our kids involved to demonstrate how important our relationship was.

Now 5 years on, after my DSD has caused so many problems for me, I do wonder why we bothered to include them. (Her brothers have been fine). Perhaps it is just DSDs that have the main problem with their DFs remarrying. (She was fine before we married).

My own DDs, said it was weird to watch your DM marry someone else, but they said the same when their DF remarried several years before me. They enjoyed the party afterwards and are fine with my DH.

If I had a chance to do it again, I'd do the wedding with them and go off for a proper honeymoon, just the two of us. So my advice is do what you want to do. What will be with your DSD will be.

She doesn't need to go to the wedding. I didn't go to my own parents' wedding! I was at school. Didn't bother me.

Thanks both

machinebee gutted to read SD is still causing you problems. How old is she? Any chance of her backing off soon?

I fear my SD (9) is only just getting started but she's done a good job of causing problems in the last 3 yrs.

Hi howto. She’s just gone to uni. I’m hoping that the distance gives some perspective and allows for at least a more civilised adult relationship to happen.

This Xmas will be interesting as one of my DDs is joining us.