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Original poster

Showing affection in front of OH's children

151 replies

SaffronStrands · 09/09/2017 10:23

I'm in a hellish situation with a new OH (9 months, living together) and his 3 children, which I have asked advice about elsewhere.

The eldest child (20) and I had our first, good talk last night and I invited him to tell me what was bothering them all. The first thing, and seemingly biggest thing, he said was that all 3 sons couldn't bear seeing his Dad and I showing affection to each other in front of them, and this has had a big effect on their attitude to me and might explain why one child in particular has been so nasty to me.

I am stunned, OH and I had no idea. He said they can't bear it when they walk into the kitchen and OH and I might be cooking with our arms round each other, or sometimes they've even seen us giving each other a kiss as we pass each other. He went on and said they found it deeply inappropriate that when we're in the car his Dad and I hold hands, "I mean, you do realise you are doing in front of us, do you?", and then "OK, OK, you're forcing me to get really personal now, but once we even saw you rest your hand on his thigh as he was driving! That's not on!"

I am speechless. I should point out resting my hand on his thigh is just that, not feeling him up or anything. We do nothing more than occasionally hug if we're both standing over the cooker stirring pots, or we're chatting and he puts his arms round me. If the boys come in the room, sometimes we'll stay like that and chat to them and have a laugh, but obviously if they come in and we're kissing we stop.

I've always thought this was natural and a nice thing to be, and also a nice thing to show OH's children. OH has wanted (perhaps too desperately, I know) to create a nice family atmosphere for his children, and I think we always presumed being affectionate and warm like this in front of them was a nice way of showing we're together and happy and the room is filled with warmth. I'm aghast to think for all these months it's been viewed in a completely different other way.

This son said last night that we need to understand it's inappropriate and we need to stop, they're the children and if anything makes them uncomfortable then we need to stop it now.

What are your thoughts and experiences?

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Butterymuffin · 11/09/2017 17:47

The sons aren't behaving well, but your DP is most at fault here, I think, in his lack of understanding. He was keen to show them how affectionate and loving you are - how would that be comforting to young people exactly? It's basically saying 'this pisses all over my relationship with your mother, and by inference you'. And things have gone downhill (and far too fast) from there. I would move out and say you want to renegotiate your relationship from there.

cudeatahorse · 11/09/2017 17:48

Wow! Somebody's defensive.

Don't ask, if you can't handle people disagreeing with you.

cudeatahorse · 11/09/2017 18:03

My new partner and I both have children and it's clear to them all that we want to give them respect, and time. That doesn't mean they walk all over us, of course there are still standards, but at the same time, we respect their views as we ask them to respect ours.

That's what it boils down to really. Respecting other people's feelings.

SandyY2K · 12/09/2017 00:39

I find the use of the word disgusting disrespectful actually.

It has made me wonder though, because I recall my DDs having a whisper when I kissed my DH (their dad). I think they do find it a bit embarrassing.

However, expecting you to sit at the back was ridiculous.

These children...the 20 year old...needs to move out. He sounds very demanding and controlling.

jojo2916 · 13/09/2017 13:41

It's basically saying 'this pisses all over my relationship with your mother, and by inference you

^ that's ridiculous buttery, he's not with their mum whether or not he'd met op surely the adult child would rather see his dad in a happy relationship , I know that's what I wanted for my dad , and his feelings or relationship (or lack of) with the dc's mother bear no resemblance to his feelings for them. His partner is a huge part of his family

BringMeSunshinePlease · 13/09/2017 19:30

There are some vile responses on here. You have every right to be affectionate towards your partner in your own home. If they don't like it, tough! They can leave the room. Don't pander to their every whim, enjoy your partner, you're doing nothing wrong.

ballestief · 13/09/2017 19:32

No there aren't. Her rights, her needs, her home...and the kids can just fuckoff. Yeah, its not the others that are vile. Hmm

BringMeSunshinePlease · 13/09/2017 19:45

The kids are practically all adults and are just causing trouble. I have one just like it. Fuck all support for step parents, it's the worst job in the world and I hoped it would get easier as they get older, it doesn't it gets worse. The poor kids, WTF? What is OP doing that's so bad? Showing a bit of affection for her new man? God strike her down!

Ttbb · 13/09/2017 19:52

I know plenty of stepparents who show affection to their OH in front of their step children with no problems. I really don't think that he was being completely truthful with you.

LazySusan11 · 13/09/2017 19:59

He's not a child he's an adult, I suspect it isn't just about you being affectionate perhaps there's some resentment there as it's not his mum his dad is being affectionate with.

I don't feel there is anything wrong with displaying what a loving relationship looks like, affection is part of that. Perhaps you need to discuss the deeper issue here.

I hope all gets sorted for you op.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 13/09/2017 20:10

I know plenty of stepparents who show affection to their OH in front of their step children with no problems. I really don't think that he was being completely truthful with you

So because you know people for whom you perceive this not to be an issue (did you ever ask the children concerned?), it therefore follows that the young man in this situation is lying? It couldn't be as simple as he is uncomfortable? Why would that be so bad?

stitchglitched · 13/09/2017 20:14

OP isn't a stepparent. She is a very new girlfriend who in most situations would only just be meeting her partner's children at this stage. Instead she has been living in their home for several months without putting in any of the groundwork to get to know them first.

BringMeSunshinePlease · 13/09/2017 20:18

If she is living with her partner and she considers herself a step parent then she is. THese "children" are adults who should be more interested in their own lives. All this bullshit about groundwork?? They are not children! Political correctness gone mad.

NYConcreteJungle · 13/09/2017 20:26

I couldn't stand that either and it would put me off you. Thankfully my step parents were more thoughtful.

stitchglitched · 13/09/2017 20:33

There is at least one younger teen and a middle one with emotional difficulties. She may consider herself a stepparent but she can't force the kids to view her as one. And caring about the emotional wellbeing of children, whatever their age, isn't political correctness gone mad, it is responsible parenting.

Maybe83 · 16/09/2017 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PixieChemist · 16/09/2017 17:48

Haven't read the whole thread so apologies if I'm repeating what anyone else has said. But honestly there's nothing wrong with showing affection like hugging or a quick kiss. Okay if you're full on snogging it would be understandable he feels uncomfortable. DP and I regularly hug and kiss in front each of DSD. I think it teaches them healthy, normal relationship behaviour tbh.

PixieChemist · 16/09/2017 17:51

Ps OP I moved in with DP when we'd only been together 4 months. Sometimes you just know don't you.

Hissy · 16/09/2017 17:51

There is ONE kid causing the trouble, let's keep this in perspective

He's actually an adult, he is just pushing boundaries and stuff

He's old enough to be told to cop himself on a bit and pack in the drama.

newjobblewobble · 16/09/2017 18:03

Pixie what age are the kids in your set up?

grecian100 · 18/09/2017 07:09

I was the 'child' in this situation, around 16 when I met/acquired my step mum. Prior to this I had never seen my DF being physical with anyone so it was very strange and yes, uncomfortable to say the least to see them kissing/hugging/hand on thigh sort of thing. It sounds ridiculous but I think unless you have been in that situation it is hard to understand.

OP your dp sounds like he needs to learn some boundaries in many respects, but especially the "showing the DC what a warm, loving house this is by kissing/hugging you" mentality Hmm.

insomniac123 · 18/09/2017 09:10

The 20 year old also said he was really unhappy that I sat in the passenger seat for 2 days in a row, when we were on holiday, "I didn't like that, that's where I sit, but you know, I'll go in the back, that's fine".
**
What is that about?? Your not one of his children, your his partner whether it's been a short or long time. I just think there is jealousy going on. I think maybe you need to tread very carefully with eldest and middle child, eldest sounds very manipulative.

Kids don't like to see parents snogging etc, I will point out eldest ISN'T a child. It's a shame they can't see past their own thoughts and see that their dad is happy and has some who clearly cares for him. Maybe that will come in time when they grow up.

Columbine1 · 15/11/2017 08:56

Its very early days after only 9 months and if the DC are only there periodically they hardly know you. As the adult its more on you to win them over softly softly - its taken 18 months with OH's 16yo compared to instant acceptance from 18yo. We don't live together yet & PDAs are pretty lowkey - not an active decision but seemed appropriate.

MrsPworkingmummy · 19/11/2017 10:35

OP, just to let you know I hear what you're saying and I think you have been completely reasonable. Your partner's children are adults (two of them are anyway) and IMO should not be dictating how you and your partner conduct your relationship - that, to me, is intrinsically wrong. I do think things have moved very quickly between you both though, so I understand why some of the other posts say the things they do, but that aside, the affection you are describing is very low level and I think it's lovely that you are your partner are so happy despite the difficulties surrounding the children. I think there are far more deep-rooted problems causing the middle and eldest to have mental health issues - perhaps counselling would benefit them? You are being used as an easy scape-goat and some of the behaviours the middle child has displayed sound completely unacceptable and should not be entertained.

For the record, my DH and me are also very affectionate to each other - to me, this is a normal way of showing we love and care for each other. We've been together for over 9 years and have always held hands when out in public, he cuddles behind me sometimes when I'm cooking in the kitchen and when we are driving, yes, shock horror, I always place my hand on his thigh, or he holds mine, or I'll even stroke his neck as he's driving. It's really not a big deal! This has always been in front of our DD (6) and my step-children. Our DD is totally unphased by this, and will sometimes comment on how 'in love ' me and her dad are. Thinking back to when the stepchildren were younger, we had been together about a year and a half before I met them, and about 2-3 years before I moved in. When I very first met the children (who were 12 and 14 then) the girl had a bit of an issue about our show of affection, as she'd never seen her dad like that with anyone. I distinctly remember her commenting on the fact he always lit candles before I arrived, as I always had lots of candles on in my own home and she didn't like he was putting in such as effort before I went over. She also hated it when we cuddled on the sofa together and would often come downstairs when she should have been in bed, seemingly to 'check up' on us.. Things naturally got better as the children grew up (although DSS never had an issue in the first place). We tried to be sensitive to her feelings (DH had full custody of both so they lived with us) , but we did not stop showing affection to one another at all in our attempt to deal with that. We are both tactile people and her dad gave her plenty of cuddles too and tried hard to spend quality time with her. Now the children are 20 and 22 and I would be absolutely horrified if they tried to control our relationship (they wouldn't as they know their dad is happy). We consider them both grown (one away at uni and one settled in his own flat with his GF) - if anything, its more us nagging them now to respect themselves and to be careful.

timelord92 · 22/11/2017 10:34

I think at 20 your step son is a little too old to be telling you what to do and considering he’s away at uni he’s not even at home to see you anyway. He says they are the children but he isn’t he’s an adult now he needs to grow up.

It sounds like the eldest son is jealous of you with the passenger seat comment. You should sit in the front he needs to learn things have now changed. His mother would have sat in the front wouldn’t she! Did your partner say anything to him when he made that comment? I’d expect a younger child to want to sit in the front not a 20 year old who should know better. Does their mother have a partner and if so what are they with him?

What you’ve described sounds normal to me. If their parents were still together and were showing affection like that and they complained about it they would just laugh it off. It wouldn’t be such a big deal. I think telling you it has to stop is inappropriate. They shouldn’t be telling you what to do and how to act.

It sounds like they all need to learn that they are the children and not the rule makers. They seem to be ruling the roost at the minute. Before you came along did your boyfriend enforce rules? Or did he let them walk all over him for an easier life? If that was the case that is why they may be finding it so hard. It is your boyfriends job to help them adjust to the change.

I don’t think it has anything to do with how quick it was either. I think if you waited a while you’d still be getting resistance to it.

How old are the other two children?