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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Showing affection in front of OH's children

151 replies

SaffronStrands · 09/09/2017 10:23

I'm in a hellish situation with a new OH (9 months, living together) and his 3 children, which I have asked advice about elsewhere.

The eldest child (20) and I had our first, good talk last night and I invited him to tell me what was bothering them all. The first thing, and seemingly biggest thing, he said was that all 3 sons couldn't bear seeing his Dad and I showing affection to each other in front of them, and this has had a big effect on their attitude to me and might explain why one child in particular has been so nasty to me.

I am stunned, OH and I had no idea. He said they can't bear it when they walk into the kitchen and OH and I might be cooking with our arms round each other, or sometimes they've even seen us giving each other a kiss as we pass each other. He went on and said they found it deeply inappropriate that when we're in the car his Dad and I hold hands, "I mean, you do realise you are doing in front of us, do you?", and then "OK, OK, you're forcing me to get really personal now, but once we even saw you rest your hand on his thigh as he was driving! That's not on!"

I am speechless. I should point out resting my hand on his thigh is just that, not feeling him up or anything. We do nothing more than occasionally hug if we're both standing over the cooker stirring pots, or we're chatting and he puts his arms round me. If the boys come in the room, sometimes we'll stay like that and chat to them and have a laugh, but obviously if they come in and we're kissing we stop.

I've always thought this was natural and a nice thing to be, and also a nice thing to show OH's children. OH has wanted (perhaps too desperately, I know) to create a nice family atmosphere for his children, and I think we always presumed being affectionate and warm like this in front of them was a nice way of showing we're together and happy and the room is filled with warmth. I'm aghast to think for all these months it's been viewed in a completely different other way.

This son said last night that we need to understand it's inappropriate and we need to stop, they're the children and if anything makes them uncomfortable then we need to stop it now.

What are your thoughts and experiences?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

SaffronStrands · 10/09/2017 17:55

IfNot Yes, I am she. I followed all the advice except moving out, as I was worried moving out at such a terrible time with the middle son would be interpreted by my OH as deserting him and his children, but I stepped back, stopped trying to "make this family work" etc. Things got worse, then a bit better, but the middle son has carried on spreading lies, is now guilt-tripping my OH by complaining how terrible his life is at his BM's (because of his behaviour...), and has never apologised for what he did.

Things are so bad now, the moving out option is the most likely/near definite next step. I cannot take any more.

OP posts:

stitchglitched · 10/09/2017 18:00

Do you want me to agree that they are just horrible teenagers and that moving in a stranger after 5 minutes should have no impact on them? If they are as awful as you say then yes they need to take some responsibility for their behaviour. Does your partner also need to take any blame for how he has raised them? Do you need to take any responsibility for moving in so quickly, without any decent connection with the children into whose home you were moving?

Whether they are being hostile because you moved in, or you didn't notice how hostile they already were because you moved in before you knew them, does it really matter? Either way, it isn't working out well for you is it?

Adviceplease360 · 10/09/2017 18:01

I hope you do move out. You are not their step mum, simply dad's girlfriend, they are not your step son's. Stop acting like teenagers, keep your hands to yourself if you insist on living with them.

Original poster

SaffronStrands · 10/09/2017 18:16

stitchglitched They are as awful as I say, I am sorry to say, so I am glad you accept that they need to take some responsibility for their behaviour. And yes, my OH definitely needs to take responsibility for how he has raised them, specifically for letting them get away with such unbelievable rudeness for so long in some crazy belief that they'd feel some release from constant disciplining and screaming at their mother's house. I understand how she feels now, I really do, and it was a stupid thing for my OH to have done, and we are all now paying for it. And yes, we need to take some responsibility for the speed, have done, and have bent over backwards to make things good for them, support them etc. So yes, we have. Now what?

No, it's not working out well for us, and I am really surprised at just how much glee there seems to be in some of you that this is the case.

OP posts:

Original poster

SaffronStrands · 10/09/2017 18:22

Adviceplease360 What has the wording of who we are in relation to each other got to do with it? I'm their father's partner, we all live together, we are a household. Why are you focused on descriptors?

If you think anything I have described is "acting like teenagers", you must have a very perverse view of low level, occasional displays of affection between middle-aged adults.

OP posts:

troodiedoo · 10/09/2017 18:24

Ease up on the touching in front of them. It's not the physical act probably more the intimacy of the gestures that make them feel awkward and excluding, and perhaps teratorial on your part.

DressedCrab · 10/09/2017 18:29

So now that the OP has been living there for 5 whole minutes it isn't the kid's home anymore?

They aren't kids. One is an adult of 20 and the other 2 are teenagers, hardly little children who need pandering to.

stitchglitched · 10/09/2017 18:54

So yes, we have. Now what?

Move out?

DressedCrab so what if they are teenagers? They are still kids, being welcome in their father's home shouldn't be conditional on their behaviour. He is their parent and has a responsibility to them even when they are being difficult.

DressedCrab · 10/09/2017 19:15

We'll have to agree to differ on that, you see a bit potty, frankly.

The "kids" are old enough to be told to treat their father and his wife with respect or not bother coming round. They are old enough to be told to tidy up after themselves. They are old enough to be told that kids don't tell their parents how to behave.

The father has no responsibility to pander to their petulant ways. He will be doing them no favours in the long run. They need to know the world does not revolve around them.

The 20 year old needs to be told to mind his manners and grow up.

stitchglitched · 10/09/2017 19:25

Not sure why it's 'potty' to believe that Dad's aren't optional parents who are free to discard their teenage children if their behaviour isn't up to scratch. He can tell them to sort out their behaviour, but not that they are not welcome if they don't. Parenting isn't conditional. Happy to agree to differ.

Janeismymiddlename · 10/09/2017 20:13

BM. Sigh.

IfNot · 10/09/2017 21:50

What is BM?

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 10/09/2017 22:01

I do think the answer is in the middle of the a lot of the posts.

I do think you should tone down the PDA.

I do think that you should listen to their concerns.

I don't think that means that they dictate everything. You should be clear that you are prepared to go half way to their concerns, but they also have to with yours and their fathers. Cuts both ways.

And to Curry and Others... the 'come and go as they please' argument because of course, it the children's homes... well that is a whole other long debate. But I'm totally against it for so many reasons. Mostly that it seems to greatly dilute any parenting from the kids parents, send confusing messages, lets kids play off parents they are cross with or avoid a parent that they need to work something out with.

And yes I do think that it's really very positive for a step family to have some 'breaks' - some clear breaks from each other. So that you can be more conscious of the step kids when they are there, and keep a lot of the PDA and talks that you might want to have in private some space to do that too.

But don't get me started...

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/09/2017 22:06

Please move out. You're miserable and life is going to continue to get worse.

newjobblewobble · 10/09/2017 23:05

BM is bio/birth mum.

IfNot · 11/09/2017 00:07

Thanks. We're they adopted? I'm confused.

newjobblewobble · 11/09/2017 00:18

I don't know why she has referred to their mum that way, but no, they weren't adopted.

I've been a stepchild (or not, as again the moving in with the new GF was done within months) and it made me extremely uncomfortable and unhappy to see my dad and his GF act like that when he'd never shown my mum such affection when she was alive.

Original poster

SaffronStrands · 11/09/2017 12:36

newjobblewobble I can understand completely how uncomfortable the situation describe made you feel.

Butthe children in my scenario have not seen their mother and father together for 10 years - not a matter of months, she is alive - and not passed away like your mother, she's remarried, the children have created a similar hell for her new husband (not over affection, but the poor guy just shuts himself away in his office and hardly engages with them any more from what I hear, which the 2 eldest children find hilariously funny), and the issue of "he'd never shown my mum such affection" doesn't play any part in our scenario.

OP posts:

Original poster

SaffronStrands · 11/09/2017 12:43

BM - birth mother. I read a post shortly before I posted that which used that term and since I had just written OH I was in acronym mode. Nothing meant by it at all! In contrast to whatever was very, very oddly inferred by someone on here . Have otherwise referred to their mother as just that (mother, mum) all the way through this thread.

OP posts:

Original poster

SaffronStrands · 11/09/2017 13:03

I'm with DressedCrab.

Respect between people and parental love does not mean two adult children can terrorise the home and dictate their parent's relationships post divorce (or even if no divorce is ever involved either).

stitchglitched They are still kids, being welcome in their father's home shouldn't be conditional on their behaviour.

They are 18 and 20, they are not kids per se. The eldest son terrorised the youngest child a few years ago and the only way to protect him was to remove him from a home so the youngest child could be safe. Now the middle son is terrorising everyone, me especially, and both sons are dictating to all the adults how we should all behave.

How peculiar that you think adults should adapt to accommodate every feeling of an 18 and 20 year old, but you don't even entertain the concept of 18 and 20 year old adapting to accommodate the feelings of the adults whose lives they are destroying. Unconditional on their behaviour you say stitchglitched. At what point would you protect others? If the middle son drives me to a nervous breakdown and hits me, I guess that still wouldn't be enough for you, you'd still blame me and would argue that I move out and his father's relationship is destroyed. Unbelievable.

OP posts:

cudeatahorse · 11/09/2017 13:12

it's absolutely horrible seeing your parent behaving like a giggly teenager.

I agree.
Surely there are plenty of opportunities for you to be all over each other when his children aren't around?

rest your hand on his thigh (is that necessary, really?)
OH and I might be cooking with our arms round each other
Really?

How old are you both, bloody 16?

It's nice that you're still at the 'loved up' stage, but there's no need to be so loved up in front of them.
You sound like an embarrassment to them.

cudeatahorse · 11/09/2017 13:20

Okay, so I've just caught up with the whole thread.

OP, would it really kill you to tone down the PDOAs when his grown up children are around?
For the sake of the peace?
There are 24 hours in the day. They are probably only there for what, 3 hours at a time?
Surely the two of you can contain yourself and refrain from being touchy feely for that amount of time?
How do the two of you manage when either of you are at work?
I'm sure you survive the time apart without touching quite well.

His son has been honest with you and said that it bothers them.
The least you can do is meet him halfway and make an effort.

And as for the people saying it's wrong how these 'grown up children'
come and go as they please''and that it's the OP's home now.
Why shouldn't they come and go when they please.

They have know their father their whole lives
How long has OP known him for.

stitchglitched · 11/09/2017 13:25

FGS, you can't stand his kids, their parents obviously haven't done a good job with them for whatever reason. You've felt the need to start at least 2 threads about how you are at the end of your tether and you have been together a total of 9 months. You aren't married, no joint kids, yet the suggestion that you move out is 'unbelievable'. Why exactly?

Bibidy · 11/09/2017 13:28

I can't believe some of these replies. Kids, no matter what age, should not dictate what the adults in their lives are able to do in their own homes!

And in this case, it's a 20 year old?!!? He's an adult himself.

I get that children (of all ages) don't usually want to see their parents be expressly affectionate or think of them in that romantic sense, but that doesn't mean they can ban it.

I honestly can't believe people think OP and her partner should stop being affectionate because his kids think it's gross.

hairymaryquitecontrary · 11/09/2017 13:31

Kids, no matter what age, should not dictate what the adults in their lives are able to do in their own homes!

Shouldn't they? Adults should do exactly as they like and the kids can just fuck off then?

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