Help me!!!

[txtxtx]

Hi,

This is my first ever post.

Today I went to buy a book about step-parenting, but the first few chapters are not proving easy.

I'm 27 years old, my boyfriend is 34 and has 2 kids, who I adore, aged 7 & 9. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year, and we're generally very happy.

Recently, I've been really struggling with where I fit in to this equation. I love spending time with the kids, who stay at mine once every weekend (my boyfriends home is too small). But I'm finding myself angry, resentful and a bit lost..

For example, this morning as I came into the kitchen, my boyfriend asked if the kids could stay another night (they stayed last night), and before I could agree, the girl came in and said "yay!!! We're staying another night!" So here's where I'm finding it difficult, I would have said yes. I want him to spend time with his kids, he lights up when they're around. But why did he agree to it with his ex and his kids before even asking me? I know it's stupid, but it's my home, and it's one thing I have a bit of control over.

A few days ago, I broke down and told him how hard I'm finding it all. It can be very overwhelming finding yourself in the situation. Also, on top of the fact that we live next to Grenfell Tower and have lost friends this year, I've been finding that hard too. A psychotherapist has said I have PTSD, so I know that I'm extra sensitive at the moment. I've tried to relay that, and I've asked for patience and support. But as soon as the kids are around, it's forgotten - and that's when I need the support the most.

I do have a good relationship with the kids, I love them to pieces. The first couple of months were tricky, but they're amazing and they've shown me love, in their own way. And I hope I've shown them it too.

We went camping last week, the kids wanted to sleep next to their dad, which is understandable. I slept on the edge (no blanket was shared with me), and it was cold. I slept for about 40 minutes and woke up soaking wet as I'd LITERALLY been pushed by his son to the edge of the tent (turns out the son had a dream about a shark that he had to push away - so many thoughts - does he think I'm a shark?!). Anyway, at 3am I got the car keys and went to sleep in the freezing car. Again, only slept for about an hour when his daughter opened the car door unexpectedly. I simply said "what's going on?", she said "sorry" and closed the door, I didn't think that much more of it. Until when I came out of the car to be told by my bf that I'd made her cry as I didn't allow her to get something from the car?!?!?? THE ANGER. Had she of just asked, I would have helped her. But instead she cried to daddy that I was stopping her from doing something that I had no idea she wanted to do. I was so mad that my bf could take her side on this one - the same child who bawled her eyes out a week before because a fish finger had fallen out of her burger. Am I selfish? Am I not compassionate?

I spoke with her afterwards, gave her a big hug and said to her that I NEVER want to make her cry, that is never my intention. I told her that I want to be here for her if she needs me, and I want her to know how much she is loved. The 'Sorry' was hard though, as I still don't think I did anything... I guess this is where parents and step parents differ.. step parents, who haven't had kids of their own and have no siblings, don't necessarily understand apologising for nothing - or putting there pride aside to make a bit of peace.

This whole situation makes me feel so low, so depressed and my self-esteem has plummeted.

I think, yes, I'm overreacting but at the same time, I've never had to be more generous or selfless. There's no cement to hold us together, like there is with the biological family, no shared history. It's all brand new, and I know it's tough for them, but it's damn tough for me too.

I'm my own worst enemy, I think I'm the worst step parent in the world, even though the 9 year old girl tells me she loves me all the time. I feel like I'm failing them, and always will. I feel like I'm failing myself by not being the wonderful, selfless and unfazed woman that I once was.

I feel sad and disappointed with myself. I just need to know that it's normal, and that by continuing to treat these kids with love & kindness, things will get better.

I chose my partner, I didn't choose his kids - but I want them around forever and ever, and I love them so much. But how do I get over this resentment and pain? And how do I learn to let go of the small things? How do I learn to take a step back and leave the nagging to him (though he really doesn't tell them off or discipline them in any way, I guess he wants the few days a week he has with them to be fun and happy).. but it leaves me feeling rubbish..

And most of all, how can I get my partner to understand how I'm feeling without getting defensive? I'm trying to learn everything that he has known for the last 9 years, without having any history, blood relation or input. I just need him to understand how I feel.

I feel like I'm going mad. Hope you made it all the way through!

Thanks for reading xx

P.S. As I mentioned, it's my first post. I'm telling you all that I'm finding things hard - please feel free to constructively criticise, but my head and heart can't handle much more. Xx

Hi, I didn't want to read and not put anything.
I grew up with a step parent and once I hit a certain age, I became aware my family was 'different' and did make my step dads life pretty hard for a while. Maybe it's a bit of a testing phase? Does she want her mum and dad back together?
I'm kind of the other side of the fence I have a 4 year old and 1 year old. My 4 year old is from a previous relationship but my partner is been here since he was 1. I appreciate it must be hard for step parents, especially with boundaries etc. My partner does treat my little one as his own and the same as our daughter but having said that I can be a bit critical and over protective of my little boy, maybe out of guilt that he hasn't got his mum and dad together.
Me and my partner have sat and made some ground rules? But also try and think of children as it must be hard living between two households.
Must be hard for you, keep trying xx

Thank you. She's actually the kid on my side, the little boy is more of a mummy's boy, so i think I find it harder when she acts out. Ahhhhhh this is not easy. Thank you so much for replying, really has helped calm me x

Welcome to the crazy life. It's always so hard when families are mixed. Just be consistent and set rules. And ask your partner what he expects of you regarding the children? And what rules you expect inYOUR home xx

Thank you

Where did the kids stay before they started staying at yours? How come thier fathers hone was suddenly 'too small' when he met you?

You sound bloody great. Give yourself a break. You can't get it right all of the time. You're not Mary Poppins, you're just human. It's perfectly fine to feel a bit resentful or angry. All parents do.

You're doing grand.

I also find it hard at bedtimes - they always want a story about a family. So there's 3 characters always (dad and 2 kids), and then do I make the fourth character their mum, or me? It's too weird!!! Too much. Yesterday, the bedtime story didn't involve the female adult - that felt uncomfortable because I don't know where I stand or what to say...

They picked the location for the story, Barbados - which is somewhere that WE (and the kids) are planning to go next year ... so is the fourth character their mother, or is it me?! So confused!

The fact that you worry you're failing them is a sign you're actually doing well! It's like that thing about bad parents never think they're bad parents, it's the good parents who doubt themselves and second guess every action.
I'd definitely be setting ground rules about your house though, not that he needs to ask permission from you but that you're consulted first.
Good luck x

@janicebattersby thank you, it just never feels like I'm doing so good. I want to be the best for them, but it comes with so much pain and uncertainty. Thank you for replying xxxx

You're much braver than me OP. And far more generous and accommodating.

I didn't get married until mid-thirties and most of the available men were divorced with children. I knew myself well enough to know that I could not and did not want to come second to someone else's children and unfortunately that's what you have to do with a divorcee.

Of course you feel resentful and angry - you have every right to. But this won't change so you either have to accept that you're going to have to suck it up for years or cut and run now.

You sound lovely but that is irrelevant . The children will always (rightfully) come between you.

@ditsy1980 thank you! There's no guide book, and no one tells you how you're supposed to do things.. I'm just worried I'm getting it all so wrong!!! Thank you for replying xx

@twitterqueen1 sure I'm not braver than you! I really want to learn to accept, as it'll make me a better person in the long run.. but how do you forget every stupid thing you've trained your mind to do. Thank you so much for replying, means the world xx

OP why did they start staying at your place?

@pinkyredrose they would never stay with their father - he'd only have them for the day. Yes, I'm conflicted about this too! X

You seem to be taking a step mum very seriously, I think you're doing a great job, wish more people were like you.

Seems odd that the farther didn't think about having his children to stay before he met you though. Did he ask or did you offer?

OP, I am both a stepson and a stepfather andit is very apparent from your post that you are a good step-parent. Do not beat yourself up, praise yourself instead! All parent, natural or step-, will make mistakes or be blamed fairly or unfairly by the children. For what it is worth, I have two teenage stepchildren and the first year was definitely the most challenging to date. It sounds like you in the same sort of head space I was in back then, still working out was was acceptable to both me and my partner and making things clear and consistent with the children. As long as you love them they will value you, even if they don't know it themselves. Good luck, and keep the faith.

@pinkyredrose they wouldn't stay at mine at the beginning, but I offered - he never asked - and now it's kind of become ritual. I don't usually mind, but I'm also very protective of my space... so learning! X

@booksandcoffee .. really glad to hear that - thank you so much! I just need to feel less overwhelmed and less that it's all my fault - even when nothing is wrong. You kinda get thrown into this, right?! I'm open to learning, I'm always willing to do it with an open heart

No worries OP. It is all too easy to feel overwhelmed, especially if your DP is not entirely aware of where you are emotionally. Talking and mindfulness have both been helpful for me. When I have a tough day with the younger one a bit of meditation really helps me to calm down a bit. Other people find going for a run or a swim helps. Whatever works best for you.

@booksandcoffee I actually stopped going to he gym around the time I met my partner, it helped me tonnes so I'll make a conscience effort this week to go, and the following week too. Maybe if I get some of my me/outlet time back, things will fall into place. Really appreciate your words, thank you so much x

I would not have slept in the car... id have woken your bf up and asked him to help you with the blanket situation... the cheek of him!

Maybe he needs to do some stuff on his own with them. Eg camping. You coujd have had a bit of peace then.
I'm not sure you need to be around all the time but I may be wrong.
My dd gets a bit cross at having to share her dad all the time and longs for some one to one time with him.

@txtxtx To echo everyone else, you seem like a very caring, level headed woman who wants the best for these children and your relationship with their father and them.

I posted recently for the first time about being a lonely late 20s step mum because I, too, find it extremely frustrating at times and wonder where I fit in. So reading your post and knowing you're a similar age (my partner is also older but with one 7 year old) and even in London too, is really comforting as I've no one else to share the discussion with.

Children will cry at the craziest things and sometimes blame you for it (my nephew hit his friend and I told him of, then he ran to his parents and said I was mean to him - and so began the molly coddling and oh no darling, so I was at fault?!) but stand your ground if you know you did nothing wrong and discuss it later without the child present. If their father is taking their side and coming to conclusions or making decisions without you at times, then you must talk about it with him. Was he supportive when you broke down and told him how you were feeling? Just because he was an ear then, doesn't mean that it's been talked about and therefore sorted. You're in a position where a lot has happened to you and is happening in your home/family life, life is different to before and talking needs to happen often and as many times as you need. My partner and I used to talk openly about all the crazy emotions I would feel about our set up and other things from my past that affect me, but we don't so much anymore and I'm finding I'm struggling again needing to process so many thoughts and feelings. It's an ongoing process and hard to broach but take it slowly if need be and just remember that he is with you, is ultimately on your side and surely can see everything you are doing for him and his children.

Hi OP - sounds like you're doing a great job!
However, the one thing I'd say to you is take a step back - for your own sake.
As a mum I know my kids (while loving their sm) do get frustrated at not having one on one time with their dad. This has NOTHING to do with their sm but everything to do with their dad & needing space with him as he's the nrp.
As a stepmum I (& my Dp) ensure that he spends one on one with his kids also as we are both aware that they need it. I also need the space too as otherwise I'd have mine all week & eow & his all weekend also & my head would be melted. Before I met Dp I had eow to myself & I really need it as I'm studying.
I think this is where your Dp & you are making a 'mistake'. I wonder if they could stay with you eow & then have your Dp see them during the day on the other weekends (as he did before he met you)? That way you would get some breathing space to get your head together.

OMG you sound AMAZING!!! your partner and his kids are very lucky to have you in their lives. But you do need to make space for yourself, get back to the gym for your own sanity, have a good chat with your partner about it all too and please, please, stop beating yourself up and tell yourself you are doing a damn fine job here. Oh and as for the stories featuring families...how about TWO female adults...reflecting yours and the kids realities and letting them know you are not out to replace their mum