Help me!!!

[txtxtx]

Hi,

This is my first ever post.

Today I went to buy a book about step-parenting, but the first few chapters are not proving easy.

I'm 27 years old, my boyfriend is 34 and has 2 kids, who I adore, aged 7 & 9. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year, and we're generally very happy.

Recently, I've been really struggling with where I fit in to this equation. I love spending time with the kids, who stay at mine once every weekend (my boyfriends home is too small). But I'm finding myself angry, resentful and a bit lost..

For example, this morning as I came into the kitchen, my boyfriend asked if the kids could stay another night (they stayed last night), and before I could agree, the girl came in and said "yay!!! We're staying another night!" So here's where I'm finding it difficult, I would have said yes. I want him to spend time with his kids, he lights up when they're around. But why did he agree to it with his ex and his kids before even asking me? I know it's stupid, but it's my home, and it's one thing I have a bit of control over.

A few days ago, I broke down and told him how hard I'm finding it all. It can be very overwhelming finding yourself in the situation. Also, on top of the fact that we live next to Grenfell Tower and have lost friends this year, I've been finding that hard too. A psychotherapist has said I have PTSD, so I know that I'm extra sensitive at the moment. I've tried to relay that, and I've asked for patience and support. But as soon as the kids are around, it's forgotten - and that's when I need the support the most.

I do have a good relationship with the kids, I love them to pieces. The first couple of months were tricky, but they're amazing and they've shown me love, in their own way. And I hope I've shown them it too.

We went camping last week, the kids wanted to sleep next to their dad, which is understandable. I slept on the edge (no blanket was shared with me), and it was cold. I slept for about 40 minutes and woke up soaking wet as I'd LITERALLY been pushed by his son to the edge of the tent (turns out the son had a dream about a shark that he had to push away - so many thoughts - does he think I'm a shark?!). Anyway, at 3am I got the car keys and went to sleep in the freezing car. Again, only slept for about an hour when his daughter opened the car door unexpectedly. I simply said "what's going on?", she said "sorry" and closed the door, I didn't think that much more of it. Until when I came out of the car to be told by my bf that I'd made her cry as I didn't allow her to get something from the car?!?!?? THE ANGER. Had she of just asked, I would have helped her. But instead she cried to daddy that I was stopping her from doing something that I had no idea she wanted to do. I was so mad that my bf could take her side on this one - the same child who bawled her eyes out a week before because a fish finger had fallen out of her burger. Am I selfish? Am I not compassionate?

I spoke with her afterwards, gave her a big hug and said to her that I NEVER want to make her cry, that is never my intention. I told her that I want to be here for her if she needs me, and I want her to know how much she is loved. The 'Sorry' was hard though, as I still don't think I did anything... I guess this is where parents and step parents differ.. step parents, who haven't had kids of their own and have no siblings, don't necessarily understand apologising for nothing - or putting there pride aside to make a bit of peace.

This whole situation makes me feel so low, so depressed and my self-esteem has plummeted.

I think, yes, I'm overreacting but at the same time, I've never had to be more generous or selfless. There's no cement to hold us together, like there is with the biological family, no shared history. It's all brand new, and I know it's tough for them, but it's damn tough for me too.

I'm my own worst enemy, I think I'm the worst step parent in the world, even though the 9 year old girl tells me she loves me all the time. I feel like I'm failing them, and always will. I feel like I'm failing myself by not being the wonderful, selfless and unfazed woman that I once was.

I feel sad and disappointed with myself. I just need to know that it's normal, and that by continuing to treat these kids with love & kindness, things will get better.

I chose my partner, I didn't choose his kids - but I want them around forever and ever, and I love them so much. But how do I get over this resentment and pain? And how do I learn to let go of the small things? How do I learn to take a step back and leave the nagging to him (though he really doesn't tell them off or discipline them in any way, I guess he wants the few days a week he has with them to be fun and happy).. but it leaves me feeling rubbish..

And most of all, how can I get my partner to understand how I'm feeling without getting defensive? I'm trying to learn everything that he has known for the last 9 years, without having any history, blood relation or input. I just need him to understand how I feel.

I feel like I'm going mad. Hope you made it all the way through!

Thanks for reading xx

P.S. As I mentioned, it's my first post. I'm telling you all that I'm finding things hard - please feel free to constructively criticise, but my head and heart can't handle much more. Xx

OP, you sound like you're trying really hard to do a good job, so you probably are. Being a step parent is a long long road, but when the children have grown to love you, and accept you naturally as they do their parents, it is SO rewarding.

I met my DSD when she was 2 (She's now 10) and our relationship has been filled with ups, downs and silent power struggles that are only resolved by proper heart to hearts. (The relationships between the adults have been at the root of most of the discord, and we have all learn to mellow out, ask questions first, and treat each other with respect as time has gone on) My DSD is a warm, loving, generous little girl however she has been (over the years) aggressive, spiteful and thoughtless. Children are all these things as they grow and learn. You have to learn to read every action from their point of view.

daughter opened the car door unexpectedly. I simply said "what's going on?", she said "sorry" and closed the door, I didn't think that much more of it. Until when I came out of the car to be told by my bf that I'd made her cry as I didn't allow her to get something from the car?!?!??*l

^^ This here is a great example. She loves you and I'm sure this is no reflection you at all. When she woke up in the night in a tent rather than familiar surroundings, she probably had to dig deep to get up the courage to go to the car. Then when she got there someone was in it, which she probably was not expecting. Then, rather than knowing that she needed something (which children tend to expect from adults at times) you asked her what's going on. She probably wanted to get whatever it was quietly, without anyone knowing, and then she couldn't. As for telling her dad you didn't let her get it, from her POV that was probably true.

Dont get me wrong, I'm not having a go. I'm just explaining the possible reason why she said that to her Dad, instead of just asking you for what she wanted at the time.

One of the most important things I have learned with my DSD is to ALWAYS try and see things from her perspective before taking what she said or did personally. She has very rarely actually intended to hurt my feelings - children cannot know how adults feel about things as they've never been adults, so adults have the responsibility to remember how things felt as a child and respond to their behaviour accordingly.

The story thing - I'm sure they are just as unsure as you are, so just BE part of their stories. Be the fourth person. You are part of their lives, be part of their imaginary adventures. Get involved OP. This is not about whether they'd rather the 4th person was their mum because I'm sure they have adventures with her separately and there's no reason why you can't add her in too when they need it. This is about the home they have when they are with their dad, and that includes you.

As pp have said, also ensure they get plenty of alone time with their Dad. One on one as well as the 3 of them together (maybe use that time to go to the gym again, have some you-time). And when you are all together, thoroughly enjoy it and make the most of it.

One of the best things I taught myself to do was this - as soon as something happens that hurts, remind yourself, "they may seem older than they are but they are still children, now what's caused them to do/say this?". This has helped me moderate my rage and responses to many things over the years.

These feelings will lessen. It does get easier. This too shall pass. Also this

See it as a marathon and not a sprint. You aren't alone, I've been a single parent and a step parent, and hands down step parenting is tougher. I think partly because there is so much pressure on the SM for it to 'go well' and to 'be liked'. Anything that goes awry is their fault. Apparently! And yet they are most likely to get the indulgent, protective Dad figure with not enough discpline, and resentful children. It's a recipe for trouble and absolutely not something that you have created OP! You've just walked into it with an open heart because your love your man.

The first hurdle is being able to sort out those small problems, those niggles and annoyances, and stake a bit of a claim. Without a great big wall put up from the children and their father. That's easier said than done! I think it can help to be a bit thicker skinned but assertive at the same time. Use humour if you can but get your point across!

Staying silent, being pushed outside, all these things will drive a bigger wedge and set up a bad dynamic.

So, I would jokingly say to your step daughter - Of course I would have let you get something from the car! But you know, do you know in the night I was right at the far edge and I was freezing and so tired! You all get grumpy don't you if someone wakes you up at night, well so do I... etc...

And to your BFs arranging another night - Hey, you really do need to ask me beforehand - and yes of course 99% of the time that's really great - love to have them another night... just I like to be able to feel part of the team, we are a team...

Etc etc... be prepared to do this like a million times... but worth it if he's worth it!

I posted recently for the first time about being a lonely late 20s step mum because I, too, find it extremely frustrating at times and wonder where I fit in. So reading your post and knowing you're a similar age (my partner is also older but with one 7 year old) and even in London too, is really comforting as I've no one else to share the discussion with.

fluffalumps you can add me to your crew :) 28, in London, OH with 2 kids (7 and 3).

Me too. I'm 30, DSD is 10, been her step mum throughout late 20's

Read the book ‘how to be a happy stepmum’. It won’t fix things but it will make you feel a lot better about yourself! Then give it to your partner to read. He might understand where u are coming from a bit more and so be able to support you better. Good luck!

In most cases it doesn't get easier as they get older it gets harder. The kids will hate you because you take their dads time and affection away from them and most of the time they think you are stopping mum and dad getting back together. Dad lets them do want they want, your then seen as the witch that tells them off for misbehaving in your house.

Unless dad has them full time or at least half time I would stop trying to be their step mum and let them spend time with dad without you there.

Step parenting can work but in my experience the partner of 'weekend' dads never really gets on with the kids and never fits into the equation.

Oh my goodness. I have just joined Mumsnet and I could have written this post. I too do not have any children of my own but my partner has three young daughters (8,6 and 2). I've been with him for 18 months and involved in the children's life for 10 months.

I've beaten myself up almost daily and I'm interested to read this post as it's a mirror image of my life. I also find it frustrating when plans are made that impact on me and I'm the last to know.

Like you my boyfriend wants his daughters to have fun understandably so as they are the most precious thing in his life. I would have no respect if he didn't put his children as his priority but it's at the detriment to many other things.

There's no discipline as he doesn't want them going back to his exs saying he was bad to them. Therefore the children dictate and are often disrespectful to both him and I and exceptionally spoiled.

I love spending time with his girls and when it's good it's very very good but when it's bad it's awful.

Recently I've been giving him a little more time with his kids on his own and it's done us both the world of good. For example he has them every weekend and twice a week after school. One of the days at the weekend I will make plans with a friend to go out and do something giving me my independence and him the father/daughter time they need. I then come home and spend the night and next day with them doing an activity together. The suggestion of the gym could work for you.

This has actually worked a bit as I was concerned that the children were so badly behaved as a result of me being in their lives as can sometimes be the case but they run to greet me with cuddles as soon as I come in the door. Also it gives him time to sit with them and talk to them about their feelings and give them the opportunity to talk about me if need me. He's reassured me that I'm not to be concerned as that hasn't happened. However I'm aware it could rear its head at any time.

Basically what I'm trying to say is you're not alone and the responses you've been getting are reassuring to me too.

I think you're like me and putting too much pressure on yourself as you really want it to work. I was in tears the other night and my friend told me that biological parents beat themselves up regularly too which was also reassuring.

All the best.