We are not all evil!

[Shad0w87]

This is a bit of a rant really....
I have one SS who I love dearly, he is 12 years old and we have been in each other's lives since he was 2 years old. I don't have any biological children. I like to read posts on here and share advice with other parents/step parents but I have noticed how step parents (especially mums it seems) are often treated as thou everything they say is wrong and that the 'poor child' is never at fault. I am very aware how difficult it is for the child/children when parents split and mum or dad has another partner (my own parents split up when I was 6 and I had both a step mum and step dad growing up)
I guess I'm very lucky really because never had any big issues with either step parent and they both treated me well.
I'm also lucky that I have had no major issues with my own step son, and I know I treat him well.
I just feel as thou a lot of people on here can be very judgemental of SP's and I read a lot of posts and wonder if the replies would be different if people asked advice on a child who wasn't their 'step child'
Rant over 

The nature of the position. However, what I have read since I've joined here is that it is often as much other SM than mothers who can give a hard time to SM, and similarly, I can think of one instance when a SM was given a hard time which I felt totally unjustified and I'm not a SM.

Of course SM would most likely be given different advice if they were not SM, similarly, I think it is fair to say that many SM would ask for different advice if the child they were writing about was their own child.

Swingothings, I completely understand what you are saying but there are many SP's who see their SC as their own, like I do. So I do not think if I had an issue I needed advice on would change whether it was my step son or my own child. That's just my personal feeling on this thou. I am pregnant at the moment and almost 100% sure that my feelings will not change in any way when the baby is born, just adding to our family

I've said/thought the same many a time. In fact I started a big thread on this a while ago. I'm thinking of starting a Facebook support group for step parents. This would enable me to restrict it to step parents only (not women who have DSCs that are someone else's step children) and enforce stricter talk guidelines i.e. Don't be abusive or nasty. It's a bloody hard job step parenting. I get on great with mine, there are issues don't get me wrong but I love them to bits. Step parents have to parent children, despite not having natural instincts towards them, despite having their actual mum/dad doing it differently and despite not having them all the time. We cook, clean, entertain, support and guide them but are expected to blend bank in to the background at important events, when there are decisions to be made regarding them, when it comes to their education, special occasions etc. And all this while often being hotly resented by the woman who gave birth to them. It's tough. Really tough.

My kids had nasty SM and life was very hard - I had no contact with her, never spoke to her in 4 yrs. It was horrendous dealing with the fall out.

She is no longer SM ( Yippee) and I am in the process of slowly becoming SM to two, DSC, one almost teen and one full blown out and out stroppy teen. I can see some of EXSMs issues but not the response and actions that she did. I lurked on here for a long time, as rather than jump on EX - I learnt alot of what is acceptable in the step parenting world and what was unacceptable to everyone.

New possible SM ( Ex had new girlfriend) is appearing on the scene.Whether she sticks with EX is another matter.! What a different relationship - we have met, talked she has my phone number and we have established rules that are non negotiable for the DCS - eg, sweets, I pad time, language, house jobs etc - they have learnt what goes there goes here - no playing. A few blips but OMG - this is so much better than before for everyone concerned and def for the DCs.

I think the vast majority of SMs try their best, but as in all aspects of life no one is perfect and there are some bloody awful ones aswell!
What does amaze me is how quickly something usually quite trivial blows into something massive - I continue to learn and take a few deep breaths from both sides of the spectrum.

I think parents or mothers in particular can give some really valueable advice and explain how they feel from an alternative perspective. It's all give and take on both sides and a lot of the time when we choose to have dc we don't picture another person not your partner at the time taking an active role in their lives that goes for both step fathers and step mothers. I have a reasonable relationship with both ex and his DW that there is zero drama involved. It is possible to have such a good dynamic but it's all give and take.

I think an common error, for both parents and SP, but for the purpose of this forum, more focus on SP is that we tend to project ourselves too much in the future, rather than being reactive to the present for some issues, and not enough for the rest!

For instance, it seems that a lot of problems that are being shared on this forum come about because the couple moved in together before working out key matters such as money, chores, looking after the kids, rules, etc... all matters that will grow to blow up if they are not clear in the future.

On the opposite end of the sprectum are SM who want to plan everything in advance, foresee what the relationship with their SC will be based on the way they will act, and then are very disappointed when it doesn't go as envisioned when I think in many cases, it's about going with the flow and trust that times will make things better as everyone learn to adapt to the new situation.

As a SM myself I think it is usually mothers who have a problem and create an issue when there doesn't need to be one. I have 2 SC & 1 biological child and there is no way I could ever feel the same way about my step kids as I do my own, when I didn't have my own child the mother used the excuse "she couldnt poosibly understand as she's not a mother" & then when I had my daughter I was blamed for treating them differently (understandably!) if I had my time again I would never have got involved with a man who had kids, in fact that was always my deal breaker!

Polly- have to say I disagree with your comment.

Swing - I agree with yours- lack pf planning and expectations on both sides, coupled usually with a father who is either ruled by the EX or in my case ruled by the new DP - and the kids get caught in the middle.

The first foray into SM word was unplanned, unannounced and dumped with oh 10 minutes notice! Being the OW was always going to make it hard.
This one - more planned ( imho - still a bit rushed- they have only been seeing each other 6 months) more discussion and far more adult. More agreement on expectations, house rules and contact time. We shall see but having now experienced purdah and now sitting on normality- I know which one I prefer.

I have had such a hard time on the step parents board over the the last few years. I really don't feel that stepmums and NRP dads can do right according to some people.

Suffice to say that it didn't matter what I did, it was always wrong according to his ex. I didn't treat her DD the same as my own (didn't ask her to do stuff in the house, didn't tell her off for leaving stuff lying about) and then I was picking on her (by asking her to do stuff in the house, pulling her up for leaving stuff in the middle of the floor). She told dp that DD was only there to see him and not 'that woman and her kids' and that message was passed onto his DD so all visits were tense and difficult as she refused to communicate with either me or my children.

His ex really had far too much input into what went on in our house and yet any time dp mentioned something his DD had said to him to his ex her response was 'what goes on here is none of your business'. Shame she didn't have the same attitude towards us.

She would walk into the house at pick up, then proceed to empty her DD's stuff out of the bag and check everything off on a list to ensure nothing was left behind (we lived two minutes away and dropping off forgotten stuff was never an issue).

All in all she made life hard for us all and it has utterly destroyed his DD's relationship with us and especially her Dad.

I really don't feel that stepmums and NRP dads can do right according to some people.
Of course, that will always be the case for some people, but I don't think that's representative of all the responses made here on the Board? I think whatever the topic for posting, some will do purely seeking recognition for their feelings and therefore will find it hard to read posts that disagree with them, whilst others will posts for opinions and more open to consider different perspectives.

I think similarly, one could feel that the mother is always blamed when the SC express a disinterest in their relationship with the nrp and his new partner.

I agree the mother is often blamed when it might not be the case. It does seem to be more step mothers with issues than step fathers. Maybe they take a more relaxed approach but step fathers tend to be more involved in the dcs lives who knows. I do think it's good to have some perspective from the other side be it

Thanks OP, it is nice to be recognised that SMs are not in fact, by default, always the ones who are most at fault. In fact it is the hardest job in the world for some of us.

I've had a lot of time to reflect on my own role as SM, as it's honestly been soul destroying. I'm saying that as someone who has gone through a lot in other ways and I also have a special needs child. But the role as SM was pretty awful really, I gave an awful lot and received very little back and often targeted for blame. I've rarely seen any good advice on these boards from anyone who hasn't been a SM, they usually from mothers or parents who have an axe to grind and just remind me of the crap that I get in real life from my partners Ex. Who of course can do no wrong because even though she totally neglected her children for years, and I stepped into the breach, because she was the first wife no one ever, ever criticised her.

I'm really pleased it's worked out well for you. I honestly think that just a bit less resentment and more open mindedness could mean that step kids could really get a lot out of having a decent SM.

Mycatsapirate I totally related to a lot of what you are saying. Some Exes basically cannot let go of thier 'territory' but ultimately they are hurting their own children by not allowing them to have a good relationship with their Dad and his partner. I am a mum and an Ex and my child has a step mother - so I know how it feels from all perspectives.

I totally agree with you. I've seen some vicious posts on here to some step-parents(usually S/M). I posted a thread under my different user name and was crucified... all because I asked if DPs ex was being unreasonable changing all the contact arrangements one weekend at the last minute (It wasn't DPs weekend and he was working), meaning I had to cancel my (important) plans to look after the kids(one of who isn't DPs child) DP was called a lazy, useless bastard and I was told I was just jealous of her. I explained that she had form for this kind of thing but it didn't matter, she could do no wrong.

I think some people jump to the conclusion that all step-mums are the OW(I'm not) and therefore the judgement is made before they even finish reading the OP.

SM's also have this unwritten rule book.

They must love SDC like their own DC.
They must not verbalise anything negative about their SDC to anyone ever.
The needs of the SDC take precedence over everything despite how much it may affect anyone else.
The SM must never get involved in money or contact decisions despite it affecting them and their own DC.
The SM must never go to anything important in SDC's lives.

Even SDC who are adults are to be pitied for coming from a broken home and therefore must be treated as children and 'listened to' with a tilted head and lots of sympathy even if they are behaving appallingly.
SM's can't win. Ever.

Pirate - I think writing things like that perpetuate the issues and does not help anyone.

1. I don't think any mother wants another woman to love their kids like their own. Bit like future duaghter in laws!! - most Mothers would like their children treated fairly and kindly. That would have been enough for me.

1. You can verbalise things about SDCs but sometimes on here there is such a vile nasty tone to - how bad the SDCs are, not brought up well etc. Sometimes the hatred is palpable in the posts.

The current SM in my childrens lives, politely said eldest was hard work this weekend. I verbalised it for her - he is being an absolute little sh1t to all and eveyone at the moment. She is free to tell me when he is hard work, just not add any layer of loathing on to her comments.

1. Needs are relative - but fairness is all most parents ask for. Example, my DCs slept in the loft on one bed, with all the packing cases around, her DC slept downstairs had a toy room and the new baby went in the spare room. That was not fair

1. monies- sore point, the Ex SM felt that EX should not give me any monies because I earned more than him. It was none of her business - at that point I will shut up as it is a seriously sore subject!

Contact - regular defined with some flexibility for changes in plans. Notice given would be ideal on both sides but sometimes emergencies happen on both sides and it is nice if their other parent can be a parent at those times and not have - it is not our day/weekend etc thrown out as an argument, or that they are doing the RP a favour by having their own child.

1. Adult SDC- have not got there yet so no experience to comment on!!!

1. SMs can win - when the SDCs like seeing their DF, do not come home in tears, are made to feel welcome and the DCS say they had a good time with everyone - currently happening in my house - almost nirvana.

It is a hard road to travel and there are no set rules but are there any in life in general!

Ah, justtired money is such a hard one. As a mum, if I don't work there is the 'being on benefits' judgement, if I work part-time, there is the 'lazy, being on benefits' judgement. If I work full-time, there is the 'kids always in childcare' judgement and if I dare to work and earn more than my ex there is the 'greedy, grasping bitch' judgement.

I have yet to read a post from a step mum that recognises mum works hard, she must feel awful putting her kids in childcare so much and isn't it great that both parents are making a full time contribution to benefit their children's quality of life.

So whilst step mums can't win, neither can mums. Ever.

I wish! As far as I know my DSC are number 6 but i am still wrong about everything and have no right to an opinion. I think you've hit the nail on the head though when you say mums don't want another woman to love their kids. I don't think my DH's ex can deal with the rivalry either because my DSC and I do love each other, they are equal in status in this house to my DS and treated as my own and because I showed her that the DH she abused could be loved by another woman and thrive in another marriage. The problem we get on this board (not from all I might add, I've had lots of lovely messages from lovely SMs) is that so many ex wives have an axe to grind because in their set up, their kids have been treated unfairly by a SM.

I don't mean that the mum's think you should love them like your own but the comments on this forum at times seem to be contradicting - lots saying you should love them like your own and others saying they aren't your kids, you shouldn't be trying to be their mum. It's such a bloody hard line to walk.

As for money, I can only speak from experience and that's not a great place to be honest. His ex got 75% of the money from the house when they split as she needed it to house their DD, she then immediately moved in with her boyfriend, stopped contact and kept asking the CMS do to a review to get more maintenance. At that point Dp was not working, he'd had a very serious accident which the ex knew about and he was still very poorly. I am disabled and we were living on charity handouts to feed us for months. We didn't get benefits for nearly 6 months because the DWP were mucking us about and she was constantly demanding money which we didn't have. It was awful, so stressful and she was badmouthing DP to the DSD's and they were in turn making comments about us being able to afford school uniform for my DD's but couldn't take them out or buy them anything. School uniform was actually financed by a grant from a charity that year. That's how bad things were.

And she stopped contact as soon as they moved area. He hasn't seen his DD in two years and now won't even talk to him on the phone.

When DSD did come to us, she had to share a room with my DD2, we were living in a house with two bedrooms and dp and I slept downstairs. Teen had the box room and the other room was set up with bunk beds. His ex wasn't happy and said it would be better if DSD had the room to herself (she was here 3 nights out of 14). His oldest also demanded to have her own bedroom (she was 16). Where all these fucking magic bedrooms were going to come from I have no idea.

And my kids? They just cracked on with stuff. They didn't bitch and whine about anything despite having been moved 500 miles to a new area.

So I wish his ex had just kept out of stuff and stopped making demands because it escalated everything to the point of no return. His DD's were happy spending time with us until she started criticising us relentlessly and my DP really is so sad about his relationship with his DD2 being destroyed.

Sounds awful pirate. Nightmare. My DSCs mum also used to interfere over sleeping arrangements etc. My. DH left the marriage with nothing after being persuaded to part with a chunk of capital to pay her parents tax bills and help with his BIL legal fees while they were married and the rest frittered away. They had sold their house to move in with her parents on the promise of inheriting the house.

I know I'm in the minority here, but I don't understand why you wouldn't want another woman loving your child like their own. I personally would be overjoyed if someone else loved, cared, and made my son part of the family when I'm not there, I really would. I would cherish it and think how lucky he was to have more people in his life who love him

DS1s stepmum is a godsend. How she ended up being sucked in by the thundercunt that is XH is beyond me because she's lovely. We actually do all the organising of contact and chat about stuff. She's having a tough time health wise just now (think life threatening) and she's been venting to me as I am close but not too close iyswim. She loves DS1 and I know that when she's there he's safe, cared for and loved, which is a hell of a lot better than the worry I had when she wasn't!

twodots. Have you had to deal - in the real world - with having your child have a 'mum' relationship with someone who's existence in your child's life you didn't ask for? it is very hard to manage, no matter how level headed you may be about the situation.

The reason why SMs and mum's struggle to understand each other is because they have very different perspectives to any issues. Add to this a lot of assu.ptions made about each others intentions and feelings and each believe the other of in the wrong.

That's life. There's always going to be things in life you don't ask for and outside of your control. Better that your child is loved than resented. I honestly do understand it must be hard though. I'm not trying to take away anyone's feelings as they are valid. Just my take on it