We are not all evil!

[Shad0w87]

This is a bit of a rant really....
I have one SS who I love dearly, he is 12 years old and we have been in each other's lives since he was 2 years old. I don't have any biological children. I like to read posts on here and share advice with other parents/step parents but I have noticed how step parents (especially mums it seems) are often treated as thou everything they say is wrong and that the 'poor child' is never at fault. I am very aware how difficult it is for the child/children when parents split and mum or dad has another partner (my own parents split up when I was 6 and I had both a step mum and step dad growing up)
I guess I'm very lucky really because never had any big issues with either step parent and they both treated me well.
I'm also lucky that I have had no major issues with my own step son, and I know I treat him well.
I just feel as thou a lot of people on here can be very judgemental of SP's and I read a lot of posts and wonder if the replies would be different if people asked advice on a child who wasn't their 'step child'
Rant over 

I think what DM need to remember is that no one can replace you in their child's eyes. They may enjoy the company of and love their SM, but the bond you have will always be different.

It's nice to read everyone's perspective on my original post

I completely agree with you twodots!

I love my SS like my own, I wouldn't allow anyone to tell me that this way wrong and I have told his mother several times that I feel this way and she thinks this is lovely, she is his biological mother and I would never tell anyone otherwise. There is a huge difference between pretending to others they are your own child to treating them as your own.

As I said, he has been in my life for 10 years.

How lucky he is to have so many people who love him and care for him in that way!

I am not a SP nor do I have a SP.
But I agree reading the posts as someone who's never taken a 'side' in this set up that SM especially get a very unfair ride at times.

They are often reminded they aren't the child's mum.
Often told they are there to see Dad

I agree with above poster who said this attitude is what creates divides. The DCs can often feel like they can't like the SM as it'll upset DM or that they should have their Dad to themselves the whole weekend, never be expected to share even if they spend less time in the house etc.
This can lead to greater behaviours because of the effort involved in pushing someone away who actually you quite like out of a sense of loyalty to another parent.

There is no doubt relationship breakups are difficult on children. Me and ds Dad split when he was 1.
But I never treated his dads exW (ds SM) as anything other than another part of ds life. In fact his father tried to keep me and her apart as if us liking each other and communicating was somehow weird.

We never did tell him that IMO early on in their relationship I told her I preferred leaving ds with Dad overnight when she was there because she was far more on the ball about his needs once they married we continued to discuss things and agree things. She had a SP so knew what was needed in the best interests of FD regards communication.

I'm finding responses really interesting, I've already posted but as a SM & having a SM It's bit strange as my SM came into my life at 15 & I could never ask for a more wonderful woman to be part of my fathers life however as a SM myself my skids and hubby stay in our other home when they stay for a few days so I don't get irritated by them as I can't cope with them plus my own at the same time which is a huge help. My point is that you need plenty of time away from them as much as time with them

A huge number of SMs are also mother's - whose kids have another SM. Including myself. We probably have the most rounded and experienced perspective. I also had step parents.

I have to say that I can get away with saying an awful lot as a step daughter, as a mother and about my Ex. I could come on here and moan that my SM was horrible and wouldn't be questioned, just sympathised with.

I could, as a single parent, moan about my kids getting me down, about them being really difficult. I would be believed.

It would be assumed that I still loved and cared for my children no matter how much I was moaning about them. However, again and again I do see that posters are jumped on here and in real life, if they as a SM say anything about the kids or the Ex. It is assumed that there is 'hatred' or 'vile' feelings and 'jealousy' and that they are just squeezing out the poor hard done by first family. No matter what the initial post is saying. And I would say the overwhelming majority of posts seem to come from really caring SMs who are doing their best, who have subsumed their own needs to the bottom of the pile and are doing their best. I've seen these people utterly torn apart from posters.

Polly I agree. I once asked for one weekend (in a year of no time off every from being a SM) just to have a break. I was utterly ripped apart by my partner's Ex, and when I came on here to post a long while ago.

Yet my step kids mum regularly asks for 'breaks' and is sympathised with as it must be really hard for her. In fact she used to get a break everything single weekend! And sometimes my partner worked so I had them! It's really quite unequal.

I've rarely seen any good advice on these boards from anyone who hasn't been a SM, they usually from mothers or parents who have an axe to grind and just remind me of the crap that I get in real life from my partners Ex.
I have to say I find this quite patronising. Good advice is not always advice that agrees with you. Sometimes the best advice is that that makes you see things from a different perspective.

I do wonder if sometimes that's the biggest issue of all, that some people who are faced with a difficult situation have reached such a stage of frustration that they lose the ability to self-reflect. Some times we can get some absorbed with trying to convince everyone that the other party is wrong that we forget that them being wrong doesn't mean we got it all right ourselves.

I personally believe that when you are faced with a situation of conflict, you are better focusing on what you can change yourself to better the situation because you have control over changing other. Sometimes, change in our own attitude is what triggers others to amend their behaviour too.

As to the issue of SMs loving their SCs, I have been thinking about this and I don't think I've ever questioned whether my kids SMs loved them or not, let alone whether it was an issue for me or not. In retrospective, I think I can say genuinely that I hope she does love them. I think she does.

I don't think this is the issue though. The reason why mums raise their defensive claws is when SMs feel that because they love their SCs, it gives them a right to educate them too. When their vision of education is similar to that of the mother, it's rarely a problem. It becomes one though when both have different values, principles, opinions and the mum feels that the SM is trying to imposes hers on to the children.

I believe that one right we, parents have, that no-one else around our children have is the right to raise them as we believe to be best. There is no right and wrong way but different approaches and I do think that SMs who believe that their way is better and therefore impose their attitude is what is most likely to get mums on the defensive and prepared to take any steps to avoid that influence.

Am enjoying this thread - not always agreeing but listening.

Fiancee - you are doing what I was hoping we could avoid. Bitching about the EX and doing the one upmanship stuff that gets people annoyed. Instead of Exs bitching about the SM!

There are also an awful lot of lies told by the DPs of whatever sex, manipulation of the facts and both sides can be taken in by this. My Ex has told so many outright lies about me to his then new DP and her family and they believe him.

In many cases the EX can not have been all that bad - they had DCs together and very few men were forced to have sex!

there is always an assumption that if you are negative on this forum about SMs , you have an axe to grind or are not an SM! I have a big axe to grind with my DCS ExS, no issues yet with new SM and am an SM!

Loving my DCS - if their SM loves them great, but I am not expecting it. That was more my point rather than not loving them per se. A minimum of treating them fairly and kindly is what I would like, anything more is a bonus.

Two dots - "thats life" - get over it. Yes it is and an expression I loathe. For some EXs ( not all they can be as bad) they did not want the affair, break up etc and when something permanent is inflicted on you it is totally different, to when you have control of a situation and you make the decisions. We all hate losing control of our lives and for me this trauma was inflicted on me. Has taken me a long time to come to terms with it, learn how to deal with it and accept the shit that was thrown at me and whilst I know it was for the good of the DCs - knowing and coping, dealing with it are very different things.

I think that is part of the issue especially for SDCs. SMs go into the relationship with their eyes wide open, the SDCs get no choice in it. Exs sometimes made the choice to put their DCS in this position and some had it put on them. Either position, we all seem to expect SDCs to deal with situations in a very adult manner, understand things in a way which most adults struggle with and get cross when they fail.

But that is my whole point....through life there are events out of your control. I'm. It saying 'get over it', I do understand it is hard, but what bugs me on this forum is mothers who can't seem to see past their own disappointment in life and would rather their child's SM not love them, just treat them fairly. Denying your child love from another person is just bizarre to me, but it's always blamed on "I never asked for this" type of mentality. I can understand more so if your ex left you for OW and that OW is on your child's life. That would cripple me too. For the majority though, that's not he case.

I suppose I'm very blinkered from my own experience. My partners ex drives me nuts and lives completely on double standards. She admits herself she's a hypocrite and I'm bored of her whinging now

A lot of the problem is that SM are expected ted to live, care & provide financially for children that are not theirs. I do not do that for mine & my life is much much easier

A lot of the problem is that SM are expected ted to live, care & provide financially for children that are not theirs

A lot? I would hazard a guess the majority of step mothers see their step children every other weekend and a night during the week. There is no legal obligation to support them and statistically, by far the majority of NRPs (a majority of which are dads) don't pay maintenance anyway. In fact, there are many posts asking about how to reduce maintenance. By way of contrast, I would say a lot of the tensions lie with mothers seeing their children treated as the poor relation in their father's home.

So jane, before you're describing how hard it is having another mother figure in the child's life, and now children The poor relation in their father's home? Seriously no winning!

I see my SC every other week (50% court ordered) but I distance myself, my husband stays in our other home when he has them apart from 2 days so my daughter can see her b&s, it makes much easier living

Fiancee - you are doing what I was hoping we could avoid. Bitching about the EX and doing the one upmanship stuff that gets people annoyed. Instead of Exs bitching about the SM!

Why does it have to be 'bitching'? Why can't a step-mother have a moan about the ex without it being 'bitching'? Some exs are a night-mare, the stories I could tell you about my DSCs mother, the way she so blatantly doesn't give a shit about her kids is shocking. I know for a fact if I posted on here, I would be told "not to believe the lies my DP tells me about her"...even though I've witnessed it with my own eyes.

Twodots - no one is denying someone loving their child, but I think most do not expect it. As is so often said on here, it is a different love to your own children. ( I do not love my SDCs - care about them, worry about some of the decisions they are making and the fallout of them but not love -not yet anyway)
A minimum expectation is to be treated fairly and kindly.
Sh1t does happen and you do have to live with it, not necessarily like it!

The ExSM, in my life was the OW, who was one of my close group of friends. Believe me, that is a mindfuck in a way I really can not describe. The ramifications of that, cause friendships to break up, your support network to disintegrate and you become the pariah. It is easier to invite two of the old social group out on social events and exclude one, the innocent party being the one excluded. Believe me that is so isolating and demoralising and allows the loved up new utopian couple to justify their actions as right, because the friends are still seeing them and the EX is not there. A work colleague, random person would have been easier to deal with than the fall out on all aspects of your life, that having the OW being a friend does.

We now have new SM, new acquaintance, to work with and there is no doubt it is completely different - infinitely easier to deal with the situation, communicate and work together for the DCs. Although Ex did say - I know you are going to hate her..... !! FFS I have a new partner, she was not part of my life, I like her and she is nice to our kids. You are also calmer, less angry and happier than you were with SM1- what is not to like!

Having had to deal with two versions - I know which one is easier!

Polly770 - sorry I disagree with that. I do not expect the SM to support my DCs financially, nothing to do with her. I expect their DF to support them, how he chooses to organise child care in his house is up to him and his new partner. For me their DF not paying maintenance and then a pittance, made it possible for EX and his first new DP to live a life style, they quite frankly could not afford. I saw that as me paying for his new family and supporting the SM - who worked 30% time!

Monies will always be an issue - but me earning more than EX, did not negate his responsibility to pay for his DCs but SM1 felt his monies were now for her and her DCs and not for his own.

Some ways you can never win.

I do wonder if sometimes that's the biggest issue of all, that some people who are faced with a difficult situation have reached such a stage of frustration that they lose the ability to self-reflect. That's such a patronizing load of crap! Basically just a more polite but ultimately totally biased post again about SMs being 'unable to see that this is their fault....'. Yet again always to blame.

I think most posters are here to vent frustration and weariness and often despair. They are not usually vindictive posts from un aware and delusional women who have no idea that is they'd only back off and stop trying to be mum or just blame their DPs everyone else is blameless or just realise that YOU as SM are the problem and you took this on so any problems just shut up!!!

I do think a lot of SMs aren't self aware enough of what a raw deal they are given by society at large and should be more assertive and kick some ass!

That's such a patronizing load of crap! Basically just a more polite but ultimately totally biased post again about SMs being 'unable to see that this is their fault....'. Yet again always to blame.

By these words, you are exactly proving my point. When I wrote this, I didn't write it against SMs at all, but from both perspectives. I had to do a lot of self-reflecting myself as a mum, and I am pretty sure that I had not done so, as my kids SM has, we wouldn't be in the non-
conflicting relationship we are now. We used to 'hate' each other, we now 'like' each other. That involved both of us trying to understand each other's perspective on things, closing our eyes on other things, and focusing on the positive. There was one specific time that did for me, and I remember it clearly, and that's when DD was showing me a text from her (which I can't even remember why!) but what I remember was her referring to me as 'mummy'. Such a powerful unspoken message, using the word 'mummy' rather than 'your mother', and on this day, I started to think of her in a different light.

Blame has no place is situations like this. What good does it do to blame the other for all what is going wrong? As said before, you cannot control others, only the way we respond to situations, so might as well focus on this.

I do think a lot of SMs aren't self aware enough of what a raw deal they are given by society at large and should be more assertive and kick some ass!
I think the vast majority of SM don't feel this way at all (of course they are less likely to come and post here). Do you really think that taking more of a 'kicking ass' attitude is really the way to resolving issues?

They may enjoy the company of and love their SM, but the bond you have will always be different.

Not always the case, I've raised my dss since he was 2 and he's now 13. I love him to absolute bits. Granted, the teenage phase is arguably less enjoyable than previous years but he's my son and I'm his mum so we just get on with it He hasn't seen or heard from his biological mum since 2013 and even then it was an afternoon or two spent together in an entire year. No birthday or Christmas cards either since he was 7 or 8. The last time she saw him she brought him home early 'because he wanted his mum'

Really thinking seriously about adopting my darling boy. As he tells me, I've only got one mum- the one that looks after me ❤

RatsinTheWalls, I think your situation is not so typical to the ones most SM finds themselves in, in that in your case, you ARE his mother in that you have become his mother figure with his biological mum out of his life.

In his view, you are not his SM but his mum, and you can act like his mum without concerns that you are overstepping the mark.

bananas - I disagree. A lot pf post are just asking for an opinion but there are some really awful ones that are nasty and vindictive towards to SDCs.

I contrast this with the Lone Parents forum, where slagging off the SM is rarely seen, judgemental comments on child rearing, how they spend their time and monies, cleanliness, manners etc - not common.

There is a strain of nastiness in some of the posts - eg, we are responsible for buying SDCs school uniform alternate years, this year is our turn. We also need to buy for our 3 DCs ( all go to the same school) is it OK if I buy the SDC the budget version and mine the expensive version. They are only here EOW and I do not see why we should spend our monies on something that benefits their EW, by not wearing out.
We want to go on holiday but can not afford to take SDCs, my DCs deserve a holiday and it is not as if the SDCs are not having a holiday with their mum.
It is those strains of nastiness that upsets both DMs and SMs because we can all see how wrong that is.

Swing I always find your comments well thought out and insightful. Would you mind me asking why you and SM once hated each other? What were her issues with you as DM? How do you think it's best to move forward and live conflict free?

Thank you TwoDots.

I think the main reason why we 'hated' each other was because we made wrong assumptions about each other and because I think my ex was a bit selective about what he was telling her.

Understandably, he was trying hard to make a good impression, so he wasn't going to say to her that if he didn't have our children overnight, it was because he wanted to be able to go out Saturday nights and sleep in in the mornings. Similarly, he wasn't going to explain to her that the reason why I kept the house (bought him out) was because he had accumulated massive debts that I knew nothing about until they took him to court and put a charge on the house. So with being selective about what he told her, she built this picture of me being overprotective of the children and making it difficult for him to have access as well as someone manipulative that had gone out of my way to rip him off.

On my side, I made the error to judge her as a single mum on benefits, too lazy to work, playing the system and too much into her physical appearance. I also got on the defensive as she encouraged my ex to start making demands on him as a father, including having them for Christmas to spend time with her family when until then, we'd managed to be civil and spend it together so that we could both enjoy the day with them.

That's only a summary of it, there was of course a lot of instances that made us feel the way we did.

What made things turn around is that I realised that she did care about my kids, treated them fairly and respectfully, however never tried to act as a mum to them. By that I mean that, in my view, she had the perfect balance, for instance, she would ask them about their forthcoming exams, talked about how they were preparing, giving them her eldest books etc... but she never demanded to see their school reports or asked to go to parents' evenings.

Similarly, she realised that I was the money grabbing ex that she first imagined as I never asked for a penny maintenance, even when my ex, and then her started working. Inevitably, some truths about my ex's past also started to come to light and she realised that he wasn't all he had claimed to be, which even led them to break up at some point.

On the other hand, I have raised them to be respectful of everyone, and obey orders that come from any adults. If she asked them to clear up after themselves, they knew they just had to do as told and I would have told them that myself if they'd moan to me (they never did).

I really do think that the best way to move forward is to swallow a lot of resentment and frustration, let things go and trust that time will make things better as we accept things. Like most mums, exes, SM, there have been times when I felt like screaming that things were unfair.

Of course I still at times feel some resentment, especially when my OH has to do his tax return because although he earns under £50K, he has a company car and private insurance which mean that he is over the threshold for child benefit and needs to pay tax on it (but under £60K which would mean I would just stop claiming), yet their father doesn't pay a penny for them, not even their bus fare for them to go and see him every week-end. I have decided to let it go though because in the end, it is his choice and if he thinks that is ok, then I can't change that.

So jane, before you're describing how hard it is having another mother figure in the child's life, and now children The poor relation in their father's home? Seriously no winning!

Not what I said, is it? Yes, I understand why mums may struggle with the idea of another woman loving their children. I also see lots of posts which look for advice on reducing maintenance/want to relegate step children to blow up beds on the living room floor/don't see why the step child should go on holiday etc etc.

It is nothing to do with 'can't win'. I agree with swing on this one - it's about seeing things from the other person's perspective.

For what it's worth, my children have had dreadful step mum experiences so that does colour my view somewhat!

Jane - sometimes thou a makeshift bed is unfortunately how it has to be. When me and my sister went to my dads as a child he had a 3 bedroom house with my 3 step brothers - two of which already shared a bedroom. Not everybody can accommodate a room per child, especially with blended families and so many children! We made do and that's how it is.

My step children have their own room at the mo because me and my partner do not have any of our own children as of yet and we have a 3 bedroom house. This would certainly have to change when we do have a child thou. They have a room also at their mums where they spend majority of their time. My own child will not go without a room in the house they live in, why should they.

I think because it would be seen as preferential treatment. It's their home too, and not their fault their parents are separated. I speak as a step mum and a bio mum - and it's tough, really tough sometimes! But I think it has to be fair in their dad's home - what happens in their mum's home is really irrelevant.

There are times when I struggle enormously. And probably get it wrong a lot - I find it helps if I think - how would I want my kids to be treated at their dads? And I wouldn't like it (neither would they) if they were treated as less than the child who is there all the time. My half brothers used to get twice the Christmas presents I did - because "you get presents at your dads too" - but my god it hurt! It basically implied I was loved less. Which I was, it turns out.

It's a total minefield, the blended family situation. All sorts of emotions combined - and no "right" way of doing it!