Difficulty bonding with my step son

[user1497965613]

Hi, I am looking for advice or help, i have a 5 year old step son who currently stays with myself and his dad 3-4 nights a week. Myself and his dad have been living together now for 6 months. I am currently still finding it hard to bond with his son and i don't know why. we do a lot of things as a family and i am a very active step parent. I have just not bonded with him, is this normal?

Do,you get on with him? Do you enjoy his company and vice versa? Is he comfortable around you?
I think that if you can answer yes to those questions, then you're doing perfectly fine. It's early days and it's unrealistic to expect to have motherly feelings. And unreasonable to expect him to see you as a mother-figure (not that I'm saying you are expecting this of him).
It's early days for all of you. Don't rush or force anything.

Hi Gazelda,

Yes we get on well and i believe he is happy and comfortable around me, i do enjoy being with him as well, i want us to be a family and it is important to me that my partners son knows he has a loving home with us as well as with his mother

It sounds like you're making him a loving and warm home. Don't rush things, it takes time to form strong bonds and don't forget he might feel confused about the roles of the different adults in his life. Keep going as you are, stronger emotions will form in their own good time.

You get on well and you enjoy being with him - that's fantastic.
What do you actually feel is missing in terms of your use of "bonded"?

At 6 months - you are doing fine, relax and let it happen naturally.

One day something will change - you can not force it.

Be kind to yourself -you are more an aunt at the moment, it will evolve.

Have a look through my posts. I have a 5yo DSS and things have been quite strained for a while. I am his father's first relationship (his ex left him when DSS was 18m) and he is my first relationship with someone with children (I don't have my own, though I have fostered from 3-18 years). It's has been a learning curve but suddenly I realised as well as loving their dad I also loved the children too (also DSS10). Don't try to push a relationship but accept the slightest bit of affection and it will increase 10 fold each time. I have been in their lives since October and it has now got to the point DSS calls for me if he has night terrors, not his dad as our relationship is great :)

Don't lose hope.

I think bonding takes years rather than months, so don't worry too much.

There is an extra pressure with being a step parent, especially a step mum - as if everything isn't perfect and relationships form that it is OUR fault and it is supposed to happen.

That puts pressure on your step child too. Your step son is only 5, however he doesn't really know yet what this relationship is to him.

He'll be part time with you, but can remember his parents being together. Now they are not, and it isn't clear to him what he should be around you. In his immaturity, he might be confused about the world, will his Dad always have new girlfriends? Will my life change again?

Time is on your side. You could really have a good bond in the future, if you let it grow slowly. You are an unclear addition to his life at present. His Dad may be wanting him to bond with you and there may be unspoken pressure. Be the one to let that pressure dissipate - and just relax, enjoy his 5 year old self! It's a great age. Children can sense if you are trying too hard. Let him be wary and have a bit of a wall up for a while, trust takes time.