Do I have to go to this party?

[PippaFawcett]

DSS is holding a graduation party at his DM's this summer. He wants to invite all of DH's side of the family as well as everyone on his DM's side. DH and his ex had an acrimonious split and have avoided each other when possible for years. She is a nice woman and I think she would make me feel welcome but I just do not want to go. There is no believable reason why I wouldn't be there. Do I just have to suck it up and go to support DH? Although I think some of the acrimony is his fault? I just want no part in it personally and I would prefer to take DSS out for dinner separately to celebrate. I'm sure you will tell me it is one of those things that I have to accept. I haven't spoken to DH yet to discuss my feelings, I know he won't want to go either but he obviously and rightly wants to put DSS first.

Yes, I think you do have to suck it up and go on such a huge occasion for your DSS. Particularly if your DH's ex is mature enough and nice enough to make you feel welcome. Sorry.

It's understandable that you might feel anxious about this event, given DH's history with his son's mother but I'm curious about why you think going would involve you being "caught up" in the acrimony. Can't you just go, smile politely and be friendly to everybody? Unless there's is a complicated back story that we have yet to hear.

Yep. Put on your big girl pants and plaster on a smile and go and celebrate your DSS.

If she would be polite to you I don't see any issue. Have you been in DSS life long? I wouldn't if it had been only a short time but not if you been in his life since he was a child. What are you going to do when DSS gets married? Has a child? Christenings? The child's birthday parties etc?

I'm afraid it's a case of suck it up. It's about DSS and what he wants on this special occasion. You wanting to do something separate with him isn't the same thing and is more about your needs than his. Practice the fake smile and small talk, it's just a few hours out of your life!

I didn't say I would be caught up in it, I think everyone would be perfectly civil, I said I didn't want any part in it and by that I meant in the party. It will all be fake smiles and small talk and it makes me feel uncomfortable just thinking about it. It is just another day as a stepparent putting someone else's feelings first (DH/DSS). And I was hoping it would be weddings and then that's it from now on really!

I've been in his life for years and years. I'm also cross at DH because some of the acrimony is of his making and it means events like this are uncomfortable for us both and he never thinks stuff like that through. No-one will be horrible to me or anything like that, but I just wish I could leave DH to it and do my own thing for the day!

Yes just go and be perfectly lovely, it's his day and he wants you there which is a lovely gesture

It's nice to be invited but of course you don't have to go. You're an adult, no one can make you. In fact, everyone involved is an adult and your DH will cope if he has to go alone.

You don't say when it is or when you have to rsvp but if it's not too late just say you already have plans and can't make it so you're sending DH with a gift and will take DSS out for a special lunch. I'm organising a hen party in September and the number of people who can't come as they already have genuine commitments that weekend is incredible.

It's a graduation party, it's NOT a wedding, I don't know anyone who's had a graduation party. Weddings and christenings are when you'll need to suck it up and plaster on a fake smile. This isn't in the same league at all.

I have DS to ex we will always been in each other lives as with both of dps. When DS has his 18th,21st graduation if he goes to university, engagement party wedding, if they have a child christenings, child's birthday parties. The list of protential of events. It's one of those things as a step parent you've got to do for your step child. It won't be easier his mother having to share her sons achievement but if she's prepared to it would be very obvious if you don't go.

I knew you would all say this

Can I have any sympathy at least for stuff we have to do?

It also doesn't help that DH gets chatting to old friends from his and his ex life together and although he doesn't neglect me as such, I have had to wander around after our DC at events like this in the past. I don't want to be that person who says 'don't leave me on my own!'

Anne, you are my favourite poster!

I also don't know anyone who has had a graduation party either! I think the event is unnecessary and that we shouldn't feel compelled to attend but I can't voice that to DH. I don't have any genuine plans that wouldn't involve DH on the date, DSS asked us if we were free and then said why!

Underthemoon, I genuinely respect the ex and sometimes wish we could be friends as no-one understands what it is like to live with DH better than she does! I know it can't have been easy for her to invite me but surely it would be nicer for her if I wasn't there too? DSS wouldn't mind me not being there, as long as DH was there. I suppose it doesn't send a good message about our marriage/my support for DSS if I don't go.

We haven't been asked to RSVP, but we would need to let DSS know soon.

For more background, we declined a similar invitation recently so to decline a second one probably wouldn't be well received.

Yes, but do it with a good grace.
Dress up as much as the occasion allows, keep a smile on your face....and don't drink too much or stay late!

I can understand why you don't want to go if you'd be really uncomfortable with having to plaster fake smiles and niceties over the history of animosity and tension. But unfortunately I tend to think you should try to suck it up and attend, especially as you think you'd be made welcome by DSS's mum. I guess it would be easier if you could go and make nice for a fixed amount of time then leave, the worst thing about going to parties you don't want to be at is that they can drag on indefinitely. Any way a bit closer to the time a friend could invite you to a birthday do on the same day/evening, so you have to duck out early to go to see her?

A graduation party might not be a big thing but it sounds like it's abig thing to your DSS. He is proud of his achievement and wants to celebrate both sides of his families. I know in the future of my DS ex's DW will be there we are all civil. As much as I may want my DS to myself I understand he has another family. I would be annoyed on his behalf if she didn't show up though especially if she had already declined one event.

Fake it til you make it. Be totally looking forward to it and then have d&v and stay home.

Alternative, I would LOVE to but I think it would be too obvious. I just wish being a stepparent wasn't always about putting others first - DSS/DH - I would love to say no thank you, have a lovely time. I also think DH could go alone without it reflecting badly on me - surely him being there is what is important?

I also feel that considering the acrimonious past, we shouldn't all be put together unnecessarily. However I suppose it could be argued that it clears the air before a wedding.

I think it's brilliant and a testament to all of the adults in your merged family that DSS feels that he can invite you to a party at his mother's house. I know many step families where this would never be a possibility and the children would know never to even suggest such a thing. Take the invitation as a pat on the back, you've navigated the step family minefield and come out on top. Good for you

Not a bad option alternative

I totally see why most people are saying you should be there. Do what everyone else wants, it's only one night blah blah blah. But if it's going to stress you out and you know your DSS would be genuinely happy if your DH goes alone then say you'll be there then have a headache or a bout of d&v. People might remember you saying you weren't going to go better than if you say you will and then can't make it on the day.

It doesn't sound like your DH needs support if he has form for buggering off and leaving you at events to social butterfly around.

Halfway house is go for an hour then "leave DH to have a proper catch up with everyone" and head home. Depends how far away it'll be.

It is important to your DSS so do it for him.

Sounds like there will be quite a few of you there. Don't be the first ones to arrive, aim to get there when most people have already got there, busy yourself with the children, stay for a couple of hours and then head off. Agree a departure time in advance with DH. If he wants to stay beyond that then he can fill his boots while you head home.

This is bringing back memories of my dad nearly ducking out of my graduation ceremony as my DSM had a friend having laser eye surgery and thought they should both spend the weekend with her at home instead of seeing me graduate... As it was he made it but I was SO hurt he'd been willing to miss it. We all get on fine these days but as a SM myself now I look back with my mouth hanging open at how badly they both got it wrong!

Totally unrelated, sorry OP, but these things can be a nightmare.

This is a really tough one and I have thoughts from both sides, as a step mum and a step daughter.

As a step mum I totally get your anxiety about attending, my DSD is younger but I have to go to various events (her birthday parties, her mum's housewarming etc) that she really wants me and her Dad at. I particularly hate the events at her mums house as it's her domain and I generally know no one there and stand around feeling very awkward until it's time to go. Yes it's totally shit that you have to put everyone else's feelings above your own but I love my DSD so I suck it up (and have a huge glass of wine when I get home!)

Part of the reason I do this is because my step mum (who has been in my life since I was very young) can't do the same for me and it makes me terribly sad and has marred a lot of my big life events. She didn't make it to my wedding, daughters naming ceremony and lots of other big events because she feels 'awkward' around my mum (for no good reason - my mum is lovely to her) and it's definitely affected my relationship with her. I wouldn't want my DSD to feel like that about me.

So I guess my advice would be to go, but with a lot of step mum solidarity as I know it won't be a particularly enjoyable event for you! Stepmumming is hard - no doubt, but it sounds like you have a great relationship with your DSS for him to want you there so props for that x

Unicorn, we all used to get in fairly well and we used to all socialise at events fairly well. Then a few spats occurred between DH and his ex - with fault on both sides, not that DH would admit that - and we haven't been forced together in recent years. None of this was of my making - the acrimony, even though some was targeted at me from the ex's DH, not from her - and I just want to keep out of it all and leave them all to it!