Do I have to go to this party?

[PippaFawcett]

DSS is holding a graduation party at his DM's this summer. He wants to invite all of DH's side of the family as well as everyone on his DM's side. DH and his ex had an acrimonious split and have avoided each other when possible for years. She is a nice woman and I think she would make me feel welcome but I just do not want to go. There is no believable reason why I wouldn't be there. Do I just have to suck it up and go to support DH? Although I think some of the acrimony is his fault? I just want no part in it personally and I would prefer to take DSS out for dinner separately to celebrate. I'm sure you will tell me it is one of those things that I have to accept. I haven't spoken to DH yet to discuss my feelings, I know he won't want to go either but he obviously and rightly wants to put DSS first.

It's up to you really. It will come down to whether you put your needs before that of your DSS.

If you don't go, you'll feel better but your DSS might be very disappointed and that might impact on your relationship in the future.

Similarly, you can see it as one dreadful day to go through, but an investment in your and your OH relationship with your SS for the future.

I definitely would go, especially as it is often the case that such event turns not as bad as feared.

Pippa You have my total support and sympathy. DP's ex has behaved appalling over the years and I avoid her wherever possible. Civility comes hard! However my DSC are now 12 and 8 so we're a long way off from shared parties and weddings! I'm really hoping that I'll be able to suck it all up when these things come around.

I think that you probably do have to go but think it's within your rights to insist on full and complete support from your DH.

I have just been through this myself with my DSD's 18th so completely understand your discomfort. It was also at her Mum's house (which was also the marital home) and attended by most of her family and friends (Mum's not DSD's).

I was dreading it but I sucked it up and went as I knew this was going to be the beginning of all the joint celebrations going forward.

I had a few people to talk too, mostly DH's family and our DD (7) there so we could use her as an excuse and go home early. A couple of glasses of wine to take the nerves away did the trick too!

Oh and I also told my DH not to leave me alone. We both made a pact that we would make sure we had people to chat with. DH's family were great as they were also feeling very awkward about being there. I pretty much just stayed in the background but it felt completely weird being in their home and using the toilet etc.

I think it was far worse for my DH than me. I had no old friends there that ignored me and it didn't bring up memories of a life that I had escaped. It took him about a week to relax again as it had stirred up a lot of feelings.

At the end of the day, I did it for my DSD. I have been in her life for over 12 years and watched her grow into a beautiful young lady. She is a part of my family and I am a part of hers. She deserves a celebration that includes all her family.

Thank you, Zampa. And the other posters, it helps to know I'm not alone! I feel fed up as I know I ought to go but I am getting to the age where I want to finally be a bit more selfish and suit myself! I don't want to broach it without DH yet either as I'm not sure what he will think. But as I said upthread, his actions in the past have exacerbate the ill feeling so I do resent him for that too because he didn't listen to me st the time when I was suggesting he let certain things go etc.

It's not your OH that you owe anything to but you DSS. Surely it is with him that you should discuss your feelings. Maybe he will say that he totally understand? Maybe he invited you because he felt that you would feel excluded and hurt if he didn't, bu maybe it would be a relief for him to if you didn't go?

Swing, my DSS is a people pleaser so I'm not sure if he would be honest with me/DH. But I feel certain he wouldn't mind me not attending but I imagine DH would want me there and obviously I can't be the reason why DH doesn't go. What happened to people just going for a meal after the graduation ceremony?!