Do I have to go to this party?

[PippaFawcett]

DSS is holding a graduation party at his DM's this summer. He wants to invite all of DH's side of the family as well as everyone on his DM's side. DH and his ex had an acrimonious split and have avoided each other when possible for years. She is a nice woman and I think she would make me feel welcome but I just do not want to go. There is no believable reason why I wouldn't be there. Do I just have to suck it up and go to support DH? Although I think some of the acrimony is his fault? I just want no part in it personally and I would prefer to take DSS out for dinner separately to celebrate. I'm sure you will tell me it is one of those things that I have to accept. I haven't spoken to DH yet to discuss my feelings, I know he won't want to go either but he obviously and rightly wants to put DSS first.

Anne, sorry it is bringing back memories, that sounds awful. I would never keep DH from these events, if anything I would be happy to have an afternoon to myself!! And to be fair to DH he does go to various things by himself.

There will be a lot of people there, but I will only know DH and his family. His family spend a lot of time with the ex and her family at these events because they don't see them from one year to the next so I won't have any allies other than the children who will run around eating as many crisps as they can get their hands on!

Starla, thank you for the thoughtful post, I feel like a third wheel at these events and don't even feel like I can help myself to a drink etc because it is the ex's home and I don't want to intrude. I know that is my issue, not hers.

What kind of party is it? What time of day?

A barbecue type thing will be easier because you could organise the kids into a game or something to pass a bit of time.

A more formal evening thing will be trickier.

Katronfon, thanks for your post. I am prepared to do it for a wedding! I did joint events for years and I just feel I have done my time now!

Hmm, just a drop in drink and get pissed/have a snack type party so not very formal. My DC will be the only children so I will inevitably end up looking like the nanny!

Maybe one of your kids could be ill...

tho if they are graduating then they are of an age that engagements, weddings, christenings and lots of children's parties may follow soon. Are you going to miss out on all of that?

I think if you'll be the only one with children you have a good excuse to bow out early, you can just say they're tired / have homework or school projects to do.

Well, that might work in your favour. Of course it is not on that your DH abandons you to look after the kids, but if you are busy with them then it might make the time go faster. Every cloud.

And of course the children will be tired out and so you have to leave early.

Take some water with you if you feel uncomfortable asking for a drink.

I know it is annoying but, as others have said, this will probably be the last 'do' before a wedding in a few years. So be nice if it all went well, otherwise you are transferring the tension onto the wedding day instead. And you'll be stuck there all bloody day.

I don't think you have to go!

You've been a good step mum, you've put up with crappy behaviour re the fallout, your husband will be off talking to old friends... No, I give you a pass to have a day to yourself!

I also think you should go. I had a stepmother who was truly awful and ruined family events for years (with my fathers full support). That you have a relationship where this doesn't happen is something to celebrate.

I do think you need to sit down with your DH and have a proper discussion about his choices and the consequences, including you feeling anxious. You will continue to feel uncomfortable at these events if you don't and he needs to understand that.

Suck it up. It's only a couple of hours and it keeps everyone happy. Don't build it up in your head or even think about it much. Make sure you give yourself a treat afterwards!

I think you should go. Just suck it up. You've said you've been in DSS life for years and he obviously want you there. It's good practice for the future when he has a wedding an babies. Not going now might mean he feels uncomfortable doing events in the future. He's just a kid. Grad party with family sounds nice!

Is the party at his mum's house?! I missed that. If so you really really don't have to go.

Anne, yes, at the ex-wife's home which used to be the marital home so lots of neighbours/mutual friends over etc. Which I could take a gang in of my friends and camp out in a corner!

And it's all fine now OP, much water under the bridge!

When it came to weddings etc she got far too involved, kicked off I took my mum dress shopping and didn't invite her... she's very nice but also very irrational at times.

Having said that, she couldn't be more supportive with my own DSC, she's far more sensitive and generous with them than she was worth us so maybe she's been taking tips!

Everyone has to attend family obligations they don't want to, OP. It's part of being in a connected family network -- you do things for other people to make them happy. This party honestly doesn't sound THAT bad. Skip it if you want to but know you will be hurting your DSS and DH's feelings. (Two wrongs do not make a right.). You seem to think being a step-parent is unique in having slightly unpleasant family obligations but it's not.

Richard, good point.

Katron, DH might be annoyed but he wouldn't be hurt and DSS won't care at all as long as DH is there. In fact I think he would prefer it!

Is it possible that he invited you because it would be rude not to but that everyone would actually feel more comfortable if you don't go? Could you test the waters with him?

Heebie, no I don't think so. I don't cause any issues but I think he would probably, deep down, rather me and his mum's DH weren't there!

In that case, then, I wouldn't go. I think it's true of a lot of stepchildren that they'd rather do this sort of thing just with their parents.

No you don't have to go. I have a wedding coming up that I won't be attending. Bowing out gracefully for my own sanity x

Imperial, and I don't blame them!

So so, do you tell a version of the truth and that you don't want to go?

I have a friend in your position. She gets on brilliantly with dss but has decided to leave family occasions to her dp and his ex. She doesnt want to cause any awkwardness and wants dsc to be as relaxed as possible. It all works very well and even recently the dss mum called her to thank her for being considerate enough to leave them have their celebration. I would be lead by dss. What does he really want?

If it were me I'd go for an hour (having a good get out clause ready), be pleasant & pass myself & then leave. Dss will appreciate you putting in an appearance but I can fully understand why you would not stay for the whole evening & I don't think you should have to.