Sd- vile behaviour

[Aroundtheworldandback]

She's 18 lives with her mum. Dh divorced 10 years, ex had affair. Dh is an incredibly supportive parent in every way, takes extra days off work to spend time with her and pays her mum well over the agreed amount. He also regularly gives sd a substantial amount for extras- all fine.

Recently sd's demands for money have gone off the scale, and the latest now is requests for fairly expensive jewellery. She once cut Dh off and he's terrified. A few weeks ago, Dh bought me a ring for a special anniversary. However delighted he maintains sd was, I caught the expression on her face and delight it wasn't.

My instinct tells me she hates the fact her dad has a life with me and my kids. Dh tried to have her living with us but she chose her mum. He shows her love in every possible way, is at her beck and call and she knows shows he would move heaven and earth for her.

The worst has now happened and she's cut him off saying he's a crap dad. Had he not sent the gifts she would have cut him off too. She's had therapy for anxiety linked to school, responded well and come off her medication.

Dh is heartbroken its breaking my heart to watch him as he's the kindest (not wisest perhaps) person I've ever met.

Any advice?

I think it's natural that she may dislike the fact her DF and dm aren't together and he lives with another woman and her DC. You sound abit smug about that in your post. I would suggest taking a step back and encourage your dp to speak to her dd.

Her mother remarried and she's fine with that. I don't think you read my post correctly; she's cut contact so it's not as simple as dh 'speaking' to her, It's evidently a little more complex than that. Not sure where you get the 'smugness' from either. My childrens' parents aren't together anymore either, but I can't imagine my ex sending dd Jewellry to compensate.

If anyone has some useful advice I'd be interested to hear.

Hello OP, I've not got any useful advice for your particular situation but just wanted to offer you positive support. I don't think your post is smug at all, and it must be a horrible situation for you.

You need to try to build some positive times with all three of you together, but it might be a long haul at her age.

I do think that your DH needs to be a bit stronger / straighter with her as she seems to be using 'cutting him off' as emotional blackmail....

Good luck. There are supportive people on here, I"m sure there'll be more advice along in a minute.

I've not advice as I'm worried I'll have similar in a few years time. I just wanted to say I know how you feel, it's really hard to watch when a parent is milked for their kindness and personally I think it's a shame for the child, it's like they become cold at such a young age.

Thank you Daftgeranium, we took her away a few months ago on her own to do just that, but she didn't really engage with us, hard as we tried. I've told him to keep showing her how much he loves her but to give her boundaries as far as expensive gifts for no reason are concerned. All academic now as she's cut him off- though I suspect only until she wants something.

Election i so agree, it's hard to see them turn from a loving child into a cold and calculating teen where the relationship is based on cash. I hope you don't experience the same.

Maybe because he has actually gone that bit further with cash and support in the past dd is expecting the stakes to keep rising!! Dm has likely been putting him down and dd is pushing to be right that df will in always come good for her.. I know he always has but dd is pushing the boundary as dc always do!! If df hasn't said no before then this will be hard to swallow for her.

OP - her Dad tried to have her live with him and she had to make a choice.
OMG who does that to a child - 8-9 yrs old.

She was made to choose, made a choice and yes she probably does resent that Dad has a happy life without her being around all the time. Does not make her feel any better about herself or the decision she was made to make.
Sharing your Dad with your Mum is one thing - sharing your Dad with another woman who is not your mother probably makes her feel second best.

He hasn't said no, she's cut him off for a reason I can't say ) too identifiable) but as usual dh's intentions were only good and he was trying to do something lovely for her. She took the opportunity to say what a crap dad he is and that she's cutting him off. I keep thinking to myself, as I have a dd, what would I do if it was my dd? So hard.

Uneffingbelievable you didn't read my op correctly- dh has been divorced for 10yrs but dsd was 12 when asked to chose where she wanted to live. She was aware that she was loved and wanted by both parents. Isn't that better than the opposite? She has always been encouraged by both of us to come as much as she can/wants.

Your comment about dsd "sharing" dh with me i find interesting as a dad/daughter relationship is surely not in competition with a husband/wife one?

You seem to have no empathy for your dsd. 12 is still so so young to have to make that decision so yes, she might well be struggling with feelings linked to that.

You say she suffers from anxiety, is it possible she is paranoid with her relationship with her dad and is using money and gifts to validate his feelings?

Having been the daughter whose dad set up home with another woman I can say in my immature mind at the time it was the same to me and it will probably be the same to her.

Sometimes all the money and gifts in the world won't make up for a split family. She need counselling in my opinion.

I once was talking to a friend whose daughter started self harming and she told my friend she felt abandoned when her dad left the family home. All my friend could say was "I gave her holidays in Florida and a pony".

OP teenagers are hard work. Honestly if he's been a good generous father I'd suggest he develop a relationship that does not involve money.
I'd expect strops like this till 23-25.

I think that asking a 12 year old where she wanted to live was a massive mistake (unless there's abuse of course but not in this case.)

My ex and teens have a similar relationship. The kid see him grudgingly and he's always buying stuff for them. They see the "stuff" as an attempt to buy them off and bribe them to return. It means that while they get to enjoy stuff they don't respect ex.

Your comment about dsd "sharing" dh with me i find interesting as a dad/daughter relationship is surely not in competition with a husband/wife one?

I think that is key and you are right OP. She is basically overstepping the line that should exist between having a parent child relationship and being equal to your parents.

Your DSD is essentially putting herself as the 'one and only' woman in his life. Her asking for expensive jewellery is a case in point, this is not a parental thing to do and is much more what you would do for your wife.

I think this is also part of my difficulty with my DSD who is younger but becoming quite entitled and shutting me off. She is continually sneering at the way I parent my young daughter and whenever I leave the house she starts bossing the other children as if she were adult in charge.

I worry about kids like this as I think they are jumping into an adult role and feeling that they have so much power at an age where they really don't realise the consequences of it. I think they could take that into their future relationships.

Your DSD calling her father a crap Dad and shutting him but insisting on presents? That's pretty severely mean, if no one tells her this she may think it doesn't really matter.

and the latest now is requests for fairly expensive jewellery
What's the rationale for it? Something she came across that she really really likes but can't afford? A special occasion? Was it a case that he asked her what she wanted -for birthday, graduation- and she mentioned that jewelry? That would be different to her saying to him 'I want nothing to do with you but I saw that jewelry and well, I would want to speak to you again if you bought it for me'.

My instinct tells me she hates the fact her dad has a life with me and my kids
Her mother remarried and she's fine with that
So possessive over her father but not her mum? Why would that be?

However delighted he maintains sd was, I caught the expression on her face and delight it wasn't
I'm confused by this statement. Why would a discussion over whether she was happy over this or not even come up? I don't understand under which context your OH would say 'oh by the way, DD was really happy that I got you these jewelry' which would prompt you to say 'I don't think so, you clearly didn't see the look on her face'.

It does strike of a power-struggle as to whom is more important to your DH, which is very odd.

Swing - I don't know if this is true but I seem to read a lot of threads where it is step daughters, particularly teenagers who have the most problems with step mothers. It doesn't seem to be step fathers who get it as often, and not as often with step sons.

I don't know but in my case the DSD does strongly identify with her Mum and takes on her views and loyalty more than her brother - and is possessive of her Dad in a way that she isn't at all over her mother. I don't know why, maybe partly because fathers can treat their daughters like princesses? Not sure but there is a real difference in a lot of cases.

OP, do not underestimate anxiety as a cause for 'bad' behaviour. Having physical reminders that people appreciate you and don't hate you when you have anxiety can help extraordinarily. When I was struggling as a teen ('recovered' to the point of not taking medication, but still have therapy to this day), albeit slightly younger than your SD when it began (15/16) - i became a complete brat: demanding days out, alone time with people, hair cuts, money and all sorts more - all while being rude and distant and even moving out of the family home and getting married at 18. It was only with extensive therapy (with my parents) that everyone was able to understand and we rebuilt our relationship.

This may not be the case, and I can't imagine how difficult the situation must be as a step parents, but please be cautious and considerate and tell your DH about what I've just told you and ask him if family therapy might help. But beyond that, teenagers are really really difficulty but it'll pass.

Some really interesting responses here and so much food for thought, thank you. Part of her therapy included exploring her feelings about the divorce, and dh accompanied her to the sessions. No stone was left unturned, the conclusion was hat her anxiety was study related and the sessions ended because both the psychiatrist and dsd felt they were not needed any more.

Her mum remarried and there is a substantial disparity in he two familys' living standards; her mum and stepdad are comfortable, whereas dh has been very successful, and dsd has commented to my dd about the injustice. I certainly don't know for sure, but I think this forms part of her resentment, despite knowing that dh has always honoured his financial obligations (and further) to her mother, continuing to pay her after she remarried.

I know this will be questioned here but I am certain she knows exactly how much dh loves her as he has shown her NOT just with money but with his time and continued support in every aspect of her life. This is the reason I'm finding it hard to empathise with her.

As an previous posted said, her loyalty is always 100% with her mother, which is fine with dh as he loves her irrespective.

*Just to clarify above post, dsd knows dh continued to pay maintenance to her mum for herself (as well as dsd obviously), after she remarried

You do seem to be somewhat in competition with your dsd. It comes across in the undertones of your posts.

Your DSD probably is picking up on that, and feeling like the outsider (or being made to feel like the outsider by you), she's reacting to that in an immature way, being young.

I'd be interested to know what leads you to that conclusion, AyeAmarok. It isn't correct; I most certainly don't feel in any form of competition with dsd. I am very secure with dh and even if I wasn't, to be honest I'd find that very strange. What makes you think I make her feel like an outsider, or is it just an assumption?

Honestly, sometimes I have to laugh. As a step parent, if you

Of course your dsd resents the lifestyle you, dh and YOUR dcs have. Because you have it all the time. She only gets it when she's with you or, when she gets 'presents'. You've made a big thing about how demanding she is in wanting things of value, and how sad it is that the relationship is based in cash. Yet your posts indicate she was made aware of a special ring given to you to celebrate an anniversary - why is she even aware of this? Surely it was between you and dh . You mention that he has paid more than he was 'obligated'to in terms of maintenance v again why would that even concern her? That should have been between her parents. I don't understand why, even at 12 she was made to choose where to live. It's hard enough knowing that your parents are fighting over you, without having to make the decision. How on earth does a 12 year old make that decision without feeling tremendous guilt about the parent they choose not to live with? It seems to me she's been expected to be grown up beyond her years and this is her acting childishly.
FWIW, my Dad was not wealthy, but it still hurt that he was able to afford a holiday with his new family every year whereas my sibling and I had maybe two or three holidays with my dm and step dad. And none with my father at all. But we did have the pleasure of hearing Al about the wonderful time he'd had. Same at Christmas. After their split, we never spent a single Christmas Day with my dad. But again, had to listen to them telling us what a wonderful time they'd had. And however much time he spends with her, it's just not the same as having him on hand the way your DD does.
Over the years I came to really resent my dad's wife. I could never see him without her being present. The last time I had any time alone with him was during the few minutes it took for him to walk me down the aisle when I married dh. Nearly 40 years ago. Even when he was dying, she wouldn't allow us any time on our own with him. And honestly, that hurts every day. So, yes, your dsd, in your eyes is unreasonable, but I can completely understand that for her, the financial aspect is somehow proof that she is loved.

OP - I feel for you. I don't think your post is smug at all; you have simply given the facts as you see them. She is definitely competing against you with her father for attention. I don't know what to suggest to be honest. Can he speak honestly to her mother - what is their relationship like? It needs to be explained to her that her father's love for her is conditional and there is enough love to go around and she does not need to compete with you. You have my sympathies as does your DH but throwing money at the problem with gifts is not going to help the situation at all.

Of course she resents her father living with another woman and her children. She may have chosen to love with her mother, but that doesn't negate he hurt. Basically in her eyes her father has rejected her to go and live with another family and she will never truly be part of that. It doesn't matter if he buys her gifts. She uses her ever increasing demands to punish him (and you) so it will never be enough.

I hate to say this OP but she will probably remain the same throughout her teenage years. She cuts contact to punish and test her father and this is likely to continue.

If I were her mother I would be encouraging her to have some counselling to help her as she's obviously very angry with her father. It's not good for her to carry that. This may improve the situations all round.

Sorry OP, it's very tough.

You are not being smug and there is no 'undertone'. In fact OP, I think you've probably held your own feelings back. I know because if any of us have resentful or competitive step children we have to, whereas the child is let have full rein. That's just a bit crazy.

Of course divorce is upsetting, parents remarrying can be hard. So are relationships, so are marraiges, so is accepting siblings, so is getting on with work colleagues. Many of these things are out of our control.

And so is being a step mother - one of the hardest jobs of all!