Sd- vile behaviour

[Aroundtheworldandback]

She's 18 lives with her mum. Dh divorced 10 years, ex had affair. Dh is an incredibly supportive parent in every way, takes extra days off work to spend time with her and pays her mum well over the agreed amount. He also regularly gives sd a substantial amount for extras- all fine.

Recently sd's demands for money have gone off the scale, and the latest now is requests for fairly expensive jewellery. She once cut Dh off and he's terrified. A few weeks ago, Dh bought me a ring for a special anniversary. However delighted he maintains sd was, I caught the expression on her face and delight it wasn't.

My instinct tells me she hates the fact her dad has a life with me and my kids. Dh tried to have her living with us but she chose her mum. He shows her love in every possible way, is at her beck and call and she knows shows he would move heaven and earth for her.

The worst has now happened and she's cut him off saying he's a crap dad. Had he not sent the gifts she would have cut him off too. She's had therapy for anxiety linked to school, responded well and come off her medication.

Dh is heartbroken its breaking my heart to watch him as he's the kindest (not wisest perhaps) person I've ever met.

Any advice?

"If it's yet another thread - perhaps it IS actually a real problem! Several step mothers can't all be wicked witches and all making it up!!" no, because these threads only come up on the step parenting boards where of course all step mothers are victims and all step children and ex wives are bitches just out to destroy the relationships with their children.

if someone posted on the relationships board or even aibu that their ex (be they male or female) was asking a twelve year old to choose where they lived as they wanted them to live with them the response would be that it was emotionally abusive, manipulative behaviour and that they were asking the children in order to maintain control.

Asking a twelve year old to choose between their divorced parents is about as bad parenting as it gets, so let's not brand this man parent of the century shall we? He sounds like an emotionally manipulative control freak who uses money and the threat thereof to get what he wants. Buying dsd what she needs, telling her how much he pays her mother, making sure she knows.... yeah, I can see why she sees him as a cash cow now she's old enough to have an opinion.

I suspect FWIW that her issue isn't actually with you OP, but because you take this man's side you're also getting the brunt of her disdain for her father.

Wannabe what a silly comment- are you saying that a 12 year old should be told where she is to live, to have no say in the matter, even if it makes her unhappy? Surely to listen to her feelings and preference is better? You obviously haven't even bothered to read the thread, just projected your own issues onto it- had you done so, you'd have read that my dh has never discussed what he pays her mother with her- the mother did that.

Yes he buys her what she needs, but also would like a relationship with his daughter! How very dare he!

I think some of the critical comments here are very odd - you don't sound smug. It is tough, I doubt about you, she just needs her DF. It may be more about her DM and insecurities there but sadly you and your DH could be carrying the s*it. Step parenting can suck!

Thanks PrettyGood, I haven't got much reason to be smug!

Yes, a twelve year old should be told where she is to live. if there is a dispute over access then this should be done through the appropriate channels i.e. Cafcas who are qualified to deal with children making such choices.

If she expressed a desire to live with one parent or another based on her own feelings then this is something which should have been discussed with her at the time, but a father who, in your own words "tried to get her to live with him" clearly had his own agenda in mind when he put the choice to a twelve year old preteen.

I'm with the posters saying that she's actually a young adult now no longer a child.
She needs to understand that life doesn't revolve around just her needs.
You e stated she's had counselling with her dd and she herself agreed it wa athe educational side of things she was struggling with?
At 18 she's now out of school and In further education?she must be starting g to build a life for herself with different friend groups and if she's in college she should be working g part time to find any expensive pieces of jewellery that's caught her eye,not expecting someone else to pay for it.
She's constantly at your dh to find her lifestyle because her mothers probably told her that she herself won't be anymore seeing as she's an ADULT !
I have a 19 year old and they are very good at being selfish and self centres at this age as they are learning suddenly they have to make their own choices and decisions in life and be responsible for themselves.
If everytime she creates over something and everyone makes allowances and blames it on her parents separation are fuelling the fire.

Many successful and independent people had tough upbringings,worse than separated parents especially ones that have provided as much as your dh and his ex wife have but they don't use that as a crutch to get what they want in life.

Maybe dh letting her be in control this time and having to make first contact is a start in the dynamics changing for them. He wants to treat her like an adult more than a child but isn't going to tolerate manipulation?

Er- no, Swing, if you read the whole thread you'd have read that dh asks her continually to see her (without me), but she says always too busy.

You say in your opening post that she cut him off again (so recent) although then go on to say that if he hadn't sent the gifts she would have cut him off, so has she or she not?

So what happened? Did they have an argument and what was the argument about. She says he is a crap dad, so he must have said something/done something to make her feel this way, rightly or wrongly, something triggered her anger/frustration.

Around the world, sorry, I didn't get back here last night and have just caught up with the thread after work. To answer your question, no, my sibling and I were never invited on any holidays after my dad left home. Not even a weekend away. From when I was born until he died (when I was over 40), we only ever had one holiday where he was present, and that was before I started school and my parents were still together. Any holiday we had was organised and funded by my step dad.

To the person who said that not all SMS are wicked witches, making it all up. I'm sure that's true, but me experience is that our dad's wife is a nasty person who was happy to 'make it up' when it suited her. Such as when she told me and my sibling that my dad was terminal but didn't want to see us do a week or two so he could 'come to terms with things'. We were obviously deeply saddened, but agreed to honour his wishes. Except that we then found out that his wife was telling other family members and friends that we had refused to see him. And that when they saw him, he couldn't understand why we hadn't been to see him. She hadn't told him that we were calling her every day to see how he was, to offer whatever support we could and to beg her to ask him when we could visit. And on the day he died, she did her utmost to stop us being with him - if it hadn't been for another family member, he would have died without seeing us, believing we didn't care. So, do I think my 'step-mother' was a wicked witch? No. Because I KNOW she was, and is, an evil birch. And I can never forgive her for what she did. She is welcome to all the material things - they don't matter. What she took was far more precious, because she stole the chance for time with my dad.

Swing my point was that she would have cut him off irrespective of whether or not he sent cash & gifts. There was no argument, just dh wanting to take her out for the day and this was how she responded by message. Easy to say she's aggrieved about something else and maybe she is- but as ofudginghell points out above, at 18, after all the loving emotional support from dh, if she has a problem it's time for her to be honest and get it out there.

Wannabe she expressed a desire to live with her mother. I was making the point that she was also very wanted by dh. There really isn't an issue here.

Whilewewereonthesubject your step mother sounds beyond evil for how she behaved. I'm so sorry. thank gd you dad saw you in the end. I always tell my kids to be very careful when they chose life partners as the whole step family thing is just un natural- animals don't do it. My children too have never been invited away with their dad, step mum and her kids. They've been spoilt for holidays with us but that doesn't take away the pain of not being wanted by their dad.

We have this dynamic in my family too between steps. My DM's youngest DSD is a money grabbing witch.

I can say this happily as she is now in her 30s and needs no special compassion because she is a child.

It used to drive the rest of us mad as she was given everything by my DSF which we had had to work for.

None of the rest of us are like this, we all 'suffered' equally from our parents' divorces, my DM and DSF married over 10 years after both initial divorces and were not the other party that led to either divorce. Her DM left my DSF for another man and married him.

My DSD has had extensive therapy, we all had to join in family therapy and still it goes on.

Interestingly, her own DM is far less generous to her DD and is (according to my adult step sibs) very very selfish.

I am sure divorce can do tremendous amounts of harm to children but it can also be a relatively neutral event and better than living in an unhappy household.

I often wonder if my step sister had grown up in a non divorced family whether she would be as greedy and badly behaved.

You have my sympathies OP.

Sorry DSSis has had extensive etc

She's 18, so would it help if her DF engaged with her on a 1:1 basis offering a fresh start with an 'adult dialogue'?

Is she in further education or working?