Sd- vile behaviour

[Aroundtheworldandback]

She's 18 lives with her mum. Dh divorced 10 years, ex had affair. Dh is an incredibly supportive parent in every way, takes extra days off work to spend time with her and pays her mum well over the agreed amount. He also regularly gives sd a substantial amount for extras- all fine.

Recently sd's demands for money have gone off the scale, and the latest now is requests for fairly expensive jewellery. She once cut Dh off and he's terrified. A few weeks ago, Dh bought me a ring for a special anniversary. However delighted he maintains sd was, I caught the expression on her face and delight it wasn't.

My instinct tells me she hates the fact her dad has a life with me and my kids. Dh tried to have her living with us but she chose her mum. He shows her love in every possible way, is at her beck and call and she knows shows he would move heaven and earth for her.

The worst has now happened and she's cut him off saying he's a crap dad. Had he not sent the gifts she would have cut him off too. She's had therapy for anxiety linked to school, responded well and come off her medication.

Dh is heartbroken its breaking my heart to watch him as he's the kindest (not wisest perhaps) person I've ever met.

Any advice?

To be fair Election, OP chose to become a
Stepmother, her DSD had no choice in the matter.

I think its easy to say it's part of life and the child should just get on with it, but to her it's a massive rejection from her father who is putting another woman and her kids before her.

I'm not bashing OP here, it must be incredibly hard, but she made a choice to be with a man who had been married before and had a child from that relationship.

Interesting how so many people excuse controlling behaviour in an 18yr old.

No it's not that the child should never have any conflicting feelings about it - and this 'child' is 18. However so do step mothers - being faced with a hostile adult step child - is pretty bloody hard too! You can choose your partner but not their children. So what?! Life is full of these examples. I won't choose my son or daughters partners - doesn't mean I'll be mean to them if I don't like them.

This child has not attacked her mother for rejecting her. Or her step father. She sounds like she has gone for the softest target, her doting Dad. What a little madam and I hope her father stands up for himself. Poor thing his wife cheated on him, he found happiness with the OP, he gives his child continued love and gets told he is crap, whilst having emotional blackmail to give jewellery. It's the Dad I feel sorry for.

Her mother's infidelity isn't the DSD's fault. In fact it's completely irrelevant. She's may be 18, but she has been caught in a situation not of her making. OP made a choice to marry a man with an existing family and like it or not this brings challenges. Her DH brought a child into the world and became a father before OP came into his life.

I have every sympathy for OP, but part of the solution is to understand the problem otherwise the situation isn't going to improve. The DSD feels the way she feels and whether she's 18 or 12 those feelings are just as valid.

It is very relevant if posters are saying it's perfectly understandable for DSD to pour venom onto her father as 'Her Dad rejected her'.

This situation is not of her Dad's making either. If anyone has made this situation it is her mother. So if this were just about upset over her parents having to divorce and move on - she would be feeling cross with her mother. But she's not.

Stop excusing her DSD for growing up to be a selfish adult and being horrible and manipulative to her Dad. That doesn't come from a good place and no one has to take that. Not her Dad. Not her step mother.

I'm not excusing her behaviour, but I can see where it's coming from. I presume her father doesn't want to cut contact with his daughter permanently? In that case they will have to find a way through this as it's currently causing a lot of pain for which OP and her DH. Simply calling her horrible and manipulative isn't going to help.

Dentistlakes
I presume her father doesn't want to cut contact with his daughter permanently?

its the DSD that is cutting contact not the father.

Whileweareon, I haven't made a "big thing" of dsd's demands, I thought it appropriate to mention to give a clear view of the situation. Some things one can't change, and one of them is the disparity in lifestyles. She's 18 now and knows from both of us she is welcome to stay/live with us. With regards to the ring dh gave me she noticed me wearing it and she mentioned it to dh so he told her it was for our anniversary- nothing more to it. You're totally right, maintananence should NOT concern her- but we have no control over what her mother discusses with her- dh has never discussed it. Were you not invited on the holidays you mention? If not than I of course understand that.

When they split, her parents weren't fighting over her; she was just made to feel that both loved her and wanted the best for her. No feelings of guilt towards dh came up in counselling. Whenever dh asks to spend time with her (alone) she says she doesn't have time. Yes, my dd has him here but then she herself has a dad who has zero interest in her and actually tells her that.

Yourcarisnotadiscovery thank you, yes dh has emailed her mother asking for help but got no response, which is not out of character. Dentistlakes I agree, I can't see it changing, its hopeless to be honest and been going on so long. She's punishing him.

Thank you to the posters who have been in that position as it's given me a little more sympathy for her.

I think Electionfatigue has nailed it, dsd's gone for an easy target whom she knows loves her unconditionally. Some of the things she's said to him are beyond spiteful, just stopped short of accusing him of abuse. Yes.. I get her parents are divorced but surely there comes a time when one has to accept that?

Agreed there's a time when one has to accept divorce etc. and bad behaviour shouldn't be excused. I get that's she's loved, been provided for etc. But that's totally separate from being acknowledged. Has she ever really been safe, free and encouraged to say how she's really felt about everything (including you) without fear of excuse, judgment, defensiveness, blame - just simply to be heard and acknowledged? She may well be the adult now and know what she 'should' or 'shouldn't' be doing (aren't we all), but she's also the daughter who is, by the sounds of things, in some pain. From experience, the transformative times in my relationship with my 17yo DSD (who as an only child at home full time with us is v much daddy's girl) have been those when I've listened to some hard truths about her struggles and vulnerabilities, including her feelings thoughts and fears about me and how that played out (inc some bullying). DSD being able to talk about how she's coping with family life on a 121 with me, her dad, or both of us has built trust and allowed us to get to know her world better, and brought us closer together as a family. It's noticeable how ready she is now to apologize for bad behaviour and self regulate, especially at this tricky age (with college, social and peer pressures).

Also therapists are like shoes, you sometimes have to try many pairs before you find the best fit.

It remains that if anyone is to move forward from this situation then something has to change. That'll not going to happen via the Mumsnet jury. It's all very well to demonise the SD, but her behaviour comes from something more than being manipulative nasty. Her parents need to spend some time working on this together with professional help ideally.

Very good post cappy.

cappy wonderful post. The addition of therapists being like shoes was also great.

Also, OP, I wanted to mention about the way your DSD is treating your DH in relation to my situation. In the therapy I had alone, I discovered that my father was partly to blame for my anxiety (partly due to me never having to work for anything at home, never having to worry and then when it came to education I had to do it all myself and cracked) and I think perhaps you might have a similar situation on your hands. It's not about blame, but understanding (but that didn't stop me feeling resentful and behaving spitefully towards my father at times).

She's 18, in a couple of months time she will want driving lessons/a car. What's the betting she will be back in touch then. I would casually mention this to your DH so that when it happens he might realise that she is being very grasping.

How long does this young woman get a free pass for acting like a little entitled brat for? Is it still ok when she's 23? 30?

She is 18, she is an adult. And she sounds like a selfish manipulative one at that, it's a pity but some people are like that.

I presume that now that she is 18 that payments will stop to her mother?

Your DH needs to make it clear that he loves her and is there for her, but not fall into the trap of buying her love with money and gifts, that will only feed the flames of her selfish and grabby ways.

I think the fact that the mother refuses to engage or help the relationship speaks volumes. I suspect a lot of jealousy and bitterness has been fed to her from her mother over the years.

alittle - Exactly. Well said.

Of course there may be all sorts of reasons that the child/adult is behaving badly. However they ARE behaving badly! And as a poster above said - the person who can most change that is the person themselves. How can the step child even begin to build a better way of coping with their feelings and relating to their father if they do not see the consequences? Do not at least know that this behaviour of theirs is wrong and is causing pain?

It is a very bad message to a child to 'enable' their behaviour by letting it go unchallenged. They might talk then with others, with friends, with a counsellor about why they are behaving like that to give the person themselves a chance to change it.

This is even true if children are little. You might do it gently, you might do it with compassion, if it is because of jealousy then of course you also do it with care - but if a child is consistently rude and manipulative you would challenge that child and model better behaviour for them. I hope!

Newday I also agree a lot of bitterness may have given that child a 'model' of behaviour that she now thinks if normal or OK. ONLY when someone else gives that child/adult another 'model' of behaving, by not feeding it, will that child have the chance to learn another way of being. She might not. But making that child feel that it is OK to just treat someone badly because you are having a hard time accepting that they have a new parter is teaching them very destructive ways of coping.

So yet another thread that goes along the same lines of:

• SD is a little brat, ungrateful and manipulative
• This is all down to her mother who raised her to be a selfish person.
• Ex never got over the split and is jealous of ex new life
• She is so bitter that she made sure that she brainwashed DD that she feels the same
• Father is loving, generous, caring, devoted and well.... perfect, so doesn't deserve in any way to be considered a bad father. He is the victim of the above
• SM is understanding and in no ways feels any sense of competition, resentment, and if the SD feels excluded, that she doesn't belong, unwelcome, it is totally her own fault because SM got her all sussed up and unlike her father, figured out that she's a little brat.

The only two people who need to change their ways is the ex and the child because father and SM are blameless and doing everything right for SD.

I think that when the situation has reached this level of misunderstanding as it is highly likely that SD and her mother would have a totally different account of it, the best thing to do is for contact to take place between father and daughter only. At 18, she should have a life of her own and shouldn't need to integrate in the family any longer if it isn't working.

If it's yet another thread - perhaps it IS actually a real problem! Several step mothers can't all be wicked witches and all making it up!!

And why is it OK for an adult step child to completely reject her step mother?

But absolutely awful for a step mother to reject her step child?

Complete double standards always.

I think circumstances where everything is black and white, ie. all the fault is down to one/two person(s) whilst the others are totally innocent and just victims are very rare in step-parenting situations.

And why is it OK for an adult step child to completely reject her step mother?
It's not about whether an attitude is ok or not, it's about understanding the reasons for it without throwing all the blame on anyone else. A SM has the same entitlement to reject her SC as the SC can choose to reject their SM, however, in both cases, it comes with accepting the consequences.

In this instance, we are talking about a SC who has become an adult. There is no need to have contact with them any longer, so I fail to understand the need to make such an issue of it. All that is required to make it better is to step aside and let them see their father away from family life.

However, I get the feeling that this would be seen as letting the SC win the battle, even though of course, there is no such personal conflict going on!

Cappy123 thanks for sharing your positive story. In my case outside of her counselling, dh has on many occasions in the past sat down both alone with her and with us both to assertain how she's feeling and to try and get her to open up. She told him she wanted me to spend some more time with her. I was delighted and asked her so many times (as I had before) what she fancied doing, suggesting a couple of of her favourite things. Not once would she come, always an excuse. Which makes me think she just wanted to find a reason to dislike me.

Apart from her treatment of dh she seems happy in every other part of her life, and if I'm honest I'm now beginning to feel that if there's genuine hurt, I have all the time in the world for her; but if it could just be that she isn't a nice person and cares nothing for hurting dh than I won't be wasting much more emotion on her.

Er- no, Swing, if you read the whole thread you'd have read that dh asks her continually to see her (without me), but she says always too busy. I'm very happy not to have further contact with her if that's what she wants- never stopped her seeing her dad alone, hard as that might be to believe I always encouraged it. Perhaps that's no good either??