Partner wanting me to change access

[YodasBudLight]

Hi

First time poster on here, just wanted to put this out here to see if I'm being unreasonable, any constructive comments are appreciated.

So I've been with my lady for 5 years, she has two children (boys) aged 6&9, they goto their dads every other weekend and I have two aged 8 & 10. Me and my partner don't live together, I have my kids from school till 5:30 every Thursday and every Other weekend, these weeekdns are synced so that my partners children goto their dads when I don't have mine so that every fortnight all the children are together. I have a contact order due to my ex playing games, we do not get on. changing access is always very difficult as my ex won't ever be reasonable. Anyway, I digress

My partner has asked me to change a future access date on a Saturday so that I can taxi her kids friends to her sons birthday party which she has booked at a play facility 30 miles away. My children have not been invited to this party which has hurt me and I do not see why I should forefeit a day with my children because my ex will not reschedule. My partner thinks I'm being selfish and I should put her son first because it's his birthday party. My partner has discussed this with friends and work colleagues and apparently they all agree that I'm in the wrong?

Am I being unreasonable to not want to cancel my Saturday with my children? They will be very upset they aren't invited to their future step brothers party. To sweeten the deal my partner said she would do a family party the next day but I'm more upset that I'd miss an access day and this family party seems to be a cop-out

Any comments appreciated

Kind regards
Paul

I strongly believe that contact arrangements ( esp where there is hostility between ex partners) shouldn't be messed with unless someone is dying. Everyone needs to know where they stand and this is easier if parents make contact agreements an absolute unshakeable commitment. Obviously that might be different when there is an amicable relationship between ex partners, but certainly not when you have had police involvement etc.

Your partner knows what your ex is like and she has chosen a relationship with a man who has commitments beyond her. She has to just accept that your arrangements to see your dc cannot be fluid. She has her own dc most of the time and is being really unfair to ask you to give up the limited time you have with yours.

If she cannot see that your relationship with your dc has to be your priority then she isn't the woman for you - she seems to think that her own dc should now be as important to you as your dc, which is unrealistic. Not least when she isn't making the same commitment to your children.

Your partner and her children are also your family so of course you should be accommodating around her sons birthday and vice versa.

Not when he's already got plans. The op's stepson has a mum and dad to ensure his birthday plans happen. The op is rightfully spending time with his own children, who aren't invited.

Your partner and her children are also your family so of course you should be accommodating around her sons birthday and vice versa.

They dont even live together. Not what I'd call a family unit.

The kids being/not being invited to the party is irrelevant here. I wouldn't necessarily expect a six year old to be invited to a ten year old's party tbh. But what is relevant here is the fact that she expects the OP to change his access with his children, access which has had to be gained through a court process, in order to facilitate her children.

She is telling the OP that all the children should be equal, yet she's expecting her's to be more equal than his. What would she have expected to happen if these were all their children?

I've recently been through this from the other side wrt my DS. He already doesn't stay there that often due to his not having taken to eXH's partner/DC. However recently was told that he couldn't stay there on a pre-arranged night because it was the DC's birthday and they were all going out to a restaurant and she wanted it to be just her and her friend and not DS. It was a burger not a party. And they wonder why he doesn't want to stay? He hasn't been back there since.

I would categorically end any relationship with a man who felt I needed to change access with my children to accommodate his. Without question.

OP, you have another eight or nine years of this to come, you need to think about whether you really want this to be your future, and how your children are going to feel when they get older and realise that they are expected to come second to her children. Because believe me they will know, and when they are old enough, they may well vote with their feet.

OP - really sorry for you, your DP is being selfish.

She is not being neglected and neither are her boys. You went on holiday with her and her kids and not yours - that is not a small thing.

My Ex let his new DP do this and he neglected his DCs massively. I was not difficult about access but just learnt that promises were never kept, never plan anything on the basis that he would not turn up and never tell the kids anything because he would fail.

He has now split with the beatch and told me what used to happen. I consider him spineless for letting her abuse,and it was emotional abuse, his DCs.

My eldest is now 10 and without being told anything has figured it out. Dad is now v much into contact and seeing them and straight up asked Dad, why he never used to see them and did X stop him/ Very difficult conversation for their DF and 10 yr old pointed out - Dad we are as important as x &Y don't ever forget us again.

You are right, she is wrong and your EX has nothing to do with this. Communication issues aside - your DP is wrong.

As an aside - after 5 yrs and you have not both progressed, missed targets - tells you something is not sitting right somewhere.

The fact is you now have a large family with lots of kids to consider and me (I'm supposed to be your wife one day remember?). There are more people than child 1, child 2 and your ex to consider. Somehow you have to balance all of our needs because right now me and the boys are getting neglected

All of the above should be repeated back to her.

She knows full well what a dick your ex will be about re-scheduling contact so should be aware that it's only for genuine emergencies etc.
This isn't an emergency situation.

She put her foot down over normal contact with the ex, thereby reducing the chances of an amicable relationship.
Now she wants to click her fingers and expects you to ask a favour from her?

where is her son's dad in all this? Does he have any input in their lives?
My guess is she wants you to be a father figure to her kids but at the expense of your own.

I think she's been emotionally blackmailing you for a long time and you just haven't noticed -

You no longer get to spend regular, quality time with just you and your dc - which you have previously stated is something you consider to be important both for you and your dc.
Instead you & your kids have had to make do with 'scraps' of time on a thursday and a 'once in a blue moon' weekend.

Your dp has had you spending more time with her dc, playing dad to them. You even took them all on holiday - without your kids!
Do you think she would have been happy if it was her boys that were not included in a family holiday?

Arranging a birthday party miles away which 'needs' your input should have been discussed with you, you are meant to be a partnership afterall.
However, as far as she's concerned you have no right to be involved in things like this - you're just there to be the dogsbody to make it happen......hence the lack of courtesy and respect in discussing it privately with you first.
and so what if your kids miss out on 1-2-1 time with you? She doesn't care,she expects you to prioritise her kids and her.

i wonder whether not allowing you time alone with your kids is a passive aggressive way of pushing them out of No.1 spot in your life?

It's not your fault her kids have a deadbeat dad.
You're already doing your best to give them a positive male role model in their lives.

Personally, i think you should take back 1-2-1 time alone with just you and your kids - don't allow your needs to be neglected.
I'd also rethink remaining in a relationship/getting married to a woman who doesn't give two hoots about your kids.

She is being unreasonable in any case, but as it's court-ordered it's out of the question to mess around with arrangements .

YABVVU calling her 'my lady'

If the party is school/close friends only, then I think it's fine that your kids aren't invited. I don't suppose your ex wife invites your current partners kids to YOUR kids parties does she?

Do your kids always play second fiddle or is this a one off?

Do you have any friends who know the real life situation to ask/confide in?