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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner wanting me to change access

83 replies

YodasBudLight · 16/05/2017 22:12

Hi

First time poster on here, just wanted to put this out here to see if I'm being unreasonable, any constructive comments are appreciated.

So I've been with my lady for 5 years, she has two children (boys) aged 6&9, they goto their dads every other weekend and I have two aged 8 & 10. Me and my partner don't live together, I have my kids from school till 5:30 every Thursday and every Other weekend, these weeekdns are synced so that my partners children goto their dads when I don't have mine so that every fortnight all the children are together. I have a contact order due to my ex playing games, we do not get on. changing access is always very difficult as my ex won't ever be reasonable. Anyway, I digress

My partner has asked me to change a future access date on a Saturday so that I can taxi her kids friends to her sons birthday party which she has booked at a play facility 30 miles away. My children have not been invited to this party which has hurt me and I do not see why I should forefeit a day with my children because my ex will not reschedule. My partner thinks I'm being selfish and I should put her son first because it's his birthday party. My partner has discussed this with friends and work colleagues and apparently they all agree that I'm in the wrong?

Am I being unreasonable to not want to cancel my Saturday with my children? They will be very upset they aren't invited to their future step brothers party. To sweeten the deal my partner said she would do a family party the next day but I'm more upset that I'd miss an access day and this family party seems to be a cop-out

Any comments appreciated

Kind regards
Paul

OP posts:
Mummummummummummmmmmy · 17/05/2017 15:21

Can I ask why your children aren't invited?

Bambamrubblesmum · 17/05/2017 15:34

I think you are right to stand firm OP. Could be the start of a slippery slope. I think the comment about 'I'm supposed to be your wife one day' reveals a bit about her expectations once you're married. I'd slow down on that if I were you.

It's not on to promise things to kids without working out a sensible agreed plan beforehand. She will have caused upset if it doesn't go ahead not you.

Good on you for standing firm. It's better to maintain calm and regular access with your kids than stirring it all up for the sake of one event.

TwoDots · 17/05/2017 15:45

I think swingofthings has an excellent point

I also would not slam his partner, suggesting she behaves like this all the time and that he should rethink his relationship. She's clearly upset and frustrated and rightly or wrongly is venting...we've all done it.

I dont think it's right OP kids not invited but we are hearing one side of the story. It would be interesting to know her reasons.

Step families are hard and I honestly believe for it to work then everyone's needs must be considered.

Butterymuffin · 17/05/2017 15:53

So has she asked her ex (birthday boy's dad) if he can help out with taxiing?

Your time with your kids has to come first if they're not invited to the party. If theywere it would be different. Is she not willing to do that?

Butterymuffin · 17/05/2017 15:54

Also, it's daft to book a party that far away however good the place is. It's a massive pain for every adult involved.

Original poster
YodasBudLight · 17/05/2017 15:58

@swingofthings
The ironic thing is had to make a promise to my partner to not ever contact my EX and if I need to change access it has to be done through the children. This is what my partner is referring to by contacting my ex. This came about as my ex would make up lies to the police and turned up and my partners work so police adviced us to be very careful when I'd email her and to keep it all about the kids and the contact order also states this.. I discussed using a third party but the police said it's very complicated with kids as you need to communicate. I'm regretting promising to not contact my ex as I can see it causing problems if I were running late to collect the kids. Contact was rare anyway but whenever I'd get an email my partner would hit the roof and would say my ex is playing games as she is very very difficult.

Nothing was discussed previously re this party, it was thrust upon me Sunday night in front of her kids.

OP posts:
TwoDots · 17/05/2017 15:59

Yes but if her son was begging for that venue, what is his partner to do? Sounds like she's trying he best for her son here. So much step parent bashing on this forum...we are supposed to support each other

Original poster
YodasBudLight · 17/05/2017 16:01

@mummummyyyyyyyyyy Because if my kids were invited then I wouldn't have room in my car for my partners sons friends! That's the only reason. All the kids get along great

OP posts:
TwoDots · 17/05/2017 16:02

Sounds like a mess OP.

Contact shouldn't be made through the children and your partner was wrong to suggest that.

Sounds like your partner is feeling a lot of resentment due to your ex, and now feels like she's always having to make sacrifices because of it.

I feel for you all really. I see all sides

Original poster
YodasBudLight · 17/05/2017 16:08

@twodots

I understand what you are saying, yes it's a mess, I'm not here to bash my partner, far from it. Some excellant advice here, I wish I came on this forum sooner.

OP posts:
TwoDots · 17/05/2017 16:12

My advice yoda is to nurture your relationship too. If she's feeling resentful the problems will never go away. Sorry it's not related to the original post.

I hope you can come to a compromise x

thethoughtfox · 17/05/2017 16:13

Your partner is being unreasonable. It might be nice for your children to have regular weekends with just you and not a houseful of other children btw.

JumpingJellybeanz · 17/05/2017 16:19

Sorry but I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who saw my kids as an inconvenience. Bottom line is that this woman doesn't care about your children. Hers come first and she expects you to toe the line.

Mummummummummummmmmmy · 17/05/2017 16:20

Wow!! I'm sorry op but if it was a choice between ferrying other people's children around and having contact with my own children, who will more than likely be hurt by the fact they're being excluded. I know what I'd choose to do, and I hope you choose wisely.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 17/05/2017 16:21

Yoda When you start to doubt yourself over situations like this ask yourself what would happen if all the children were jointly both yours. You couldn't just send your dc off then so it isn't fair in this situation.

While I can understand a reasonable person getting irritated about always coming last the issue here is that a reasonable person would not have reacted the way your dp has. It is emotional blackmail, you are not the one letting her son down but she is by promising things without checking with you first.

PollytheDolly · 17/05/2017 16:25

Ah I see OP. So I do understand why your DP is saying NC but that means she can't change the goalposts to suit either.

It's putting you in an impossible situation.

AyeAmarok · 17/05/2017 16:30

It sounds like she's at the end of her tether, and she's picked the wrong situation to make a big deal about.

is there an understandable back story why she feels so unsupported and is coming across so dramatically? If not, she's being completely unreasonable.

jojo2916 · 17/05/2017 16:41

All your kids should be at the party. Your partner and her children are also your family so of course you should be accommodating around her sons birthday and vice versa. If your ex is as difficult as you say no direct contact with her is advisable and will reduce conflict, beneficial to you all. If you feel strongly you can't treat all the kids equally yours and hers because the loyalty to your own kids is too great don't get into a relationship with a mum with kids. You are both being unreasonable.

Oswin · 17/05/2017 16:44

She's being a knob.

Imagine a stepmother posting that her dh expected her to send dc to their dads so she could ferry dsc around.
It would be outrageous.

Oswin · 17/05/2017 16:46

Jojo how is op being unreasonable, she wants him to drop his kids for her kids ffs.

CrazedZombie · 17/05/2017 17:01

Jojo- His kids haven't been invited.

CrazedZombie · 17/05/2017 17:11

In light of police involvement over contact between you and your ex I understand your reluctance to request a change in contact.

Can your partner ask another one of the party mums to pick up a friend? Can your partner ask her ex to be a taxi?

If your ex agreed to swap, you'd never have the kids on the same weekend which is bad for blending. If your ex has kids and is happy with the current routine you risk her saying that you forfeit this week and have to wait another 2 weeks to see the kids for the weekend. How is disappointing your kids and angering your ex (as she may have weekend plans and it's late notice) and acting taxi for your partner's kids friends fair?

DermotOLogical · 17/05/2017 17:12

Jeez your current partner sounds awfully childish.

Not being allowed to contact your ex is not good. Sending all communication via the kids is the worst thing to do. You should be able to send civil emails to sort the kids.

Allthebestnamesareused · 17/05/2017 17:21

Yes - if it is soooooo important that this major milestone (10!) needs to be celebrated in this way no doubt his Dad (your partner's ex) will be able to step up to the plate and drive other people's kids all over the place for her!

As said before if you weren't belnded and a natural family you'd all be going or chosing somewhere closer so there weren't logistical issues!

Just text her back saying that she must stop with the emotional blackmail and ask DS's dad to help (as she seems to have no problems asking ex's to change their plans - it can be hers rather than your crazyassed ex)

JumpingJellybeanz · 17/05/2017 17:26

The situation with the ex is a red herring. Even if you were on great terms with your ex rearranging access for this purpose is wrong. Your partner wants you to put your children out of the way so that you can play happy families with hers.