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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner wanting me to change access

83 replies

YodasBudLight · 16/05/2017 22:12

First time poster on here, just wanted to put this out here to see if I'm being unreasonable, any constructive comments are appreciated.

So I've been with my lady for 5 years, she has two children (boys) aged 6&9, they goto their dads every other weekend and I have two aged 8 & 10. Me and my partner don't live together, I have my kids from school till 5:30 every Thursday and every Other weekend, these weeekdns are synced so that my partners children goto their dads when I don't have mine so that every fortnight all the children are together. I have a contact order due to my ex playing games, we do not get on. changing access is always very difficult as my ex won't ever be reasonable. Anyway, I digress

My partner has asked me to change a future access date on a Saturday so that I can taxi her kids friends to her sons birthday party which she has booked at a play facility 30 miles away. My children have not been invited to this party which has hurt me and I do not see why I should forefeit a day with my children because my ex will not reschedule. My partner thinks I'm being selfish and I should put her son first because it's his birthday party. My partner has discussed this with friends and work colleagues and apparently they all agree that I'm in the wrong?

Am I being unreasonable to not want to cancel my Saturday with my children? They will be very upset they aren't invited to their future step brothers party. To sweeten the deal my partner said she would do a family party the next day but I'm more upset that I'd miss an access day and this family party seems to be a cop-out

Any comments appreciated

Kind regards
Paul

OP posts:

Allthebestnamesareused · 17/05/2017 10:57

How old are your kids? Are they old enough to stay home alone?
If not they shouldn't be excluded from the party.

10 is NOT a big deal party!

Partner is being v unreasonable especially as she knows how your rx is likely to be.

I am so glad to see a dad not just dumping his kids on a step partner's say so!

Original poster

YodasBudLight · 17/05/2017 11:10

@annelovesgilbert- nice words thank you.

OP posts:

CrazedZombie · 17/05/2017 11:17

Don't feel guilty about prioritising your kids in this case. If she needed your help with party she should have had it last weekend so that your kids weren't around and your ex wasn't inconvenienced.

Out of interest- how would your partner react if you celebrated your kids' birthdays without her kids?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 17/05/2017 11:27

If your DP knows that your ex has been difficult, why would she put you in this position? That is rather selfish of her to ask that and then claim you are the selfish one when you say no.

Say no and have a nice day with your kids.

Original poster

YodasBudLight · 17/05/2017 12:55

So I have told my partner it's a No and I won't reschedule my access, as she is being unreasonable, she has sent the following three texts in a row;

1- I'm not unreasonable to ask for help and it may be she (my ex) would reschedule. We will never know.

2- You're the one person in the world I should be ok to ask for help from and I shouldn't fear a reaction like this every time. I can't help she's crazy can I? But that doesn't detract from my needs. And my needs aren't being met

3- As it is, you won't help me and there's no other way to get the children there so I'll have to break it to (her son) that we will have to rethink his party. Poor boy.

OP posts:

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 17/05/2017 12:59

Yoda, I'd re think your relationship with this woman. She's trying to emotionally blackmail you.

1- I'm not unreasonable to ask for help and it may be she (my ex) would reschedule. We will never know.

You know your ex better than she does.

She needs to grow up, its a bloody birthday party, nothing about her needs.

3- As it is, you won't help me and there's no other way to get the children there so I'll have to break it to (her son) that we will have to rethink his party. Poor boy.

She should have thought about that when she booked the party. Its her own fault.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/05/2017 13:49

Agree with everyone else.

You sound like a really good dad and person... maybe too good for your partner. She's being entirely unreasonable, and I really don't like the using her son as emotional blackmail bit.

Time to rethink things...?

Oh, and this:

Do you ever spend time with your dc without your partner and children being present? Because I think this is also essential to their wellbeing. They didn't choose this blended family. They need to spend time just with you.

Yes, yes, yes. They don't actually get a lot of time with you. I hope that at least some of that time is real quality time, where they get to be with YOU and you alone. Believe me, they need that very much.

TwoDots · 17/05/2017 14:04

I'm going to be shot down here but I can see both sides

I totally understand and agree with you op but I do see her side too

I think from her reaction this goes much deeper than this one off incident. It sounds like she feels very much down the bottom of a priority list. You are her partner and she's asking you for help in her eyes. She perhaps feels like she's sacrificed her happiness for certain things in the past. I'm only second guessing, but surely the compromise is to allow your children to go?!

CherieBabySpliffUp · 17/05/2017 14:14

Why can't the parents of the invited boys get them to the play centre?

Dollyparton3 · 17/05/2017 14:31

wow Yodas, I feel for you. I'm pretty sure that this is the sort of behaviour I used to tolerate from my ex and then didnt realise how unreasonable it was until I left that relationship.

Two thoughts:-

as Cheriebaby has mentioned above, whenever DSD has a birthday party to go to, trampolining, zorbing, swimming etc, it's up to all parents to get their kids there so that would be the logical way to solve this.
what she needs to do is pull her big girl pants up and explain to her boy that she screwed up on logistics, and that it's nobody's fault but hers.

How would your kids feel if they knew that you'd passed up the time to spend time with them to prioritise your other half's kids? not very special I'd imagine. It's an even harder dynamic for you to navigate with you being the non-resident parent, she needs to respect that and stop sulking.

Lunde · 17/05/2017 14:36

Which child's birthday is it? I can perhaps see that she wouldn't think your 10 year old would fit in with a party full of 6 year olds.

But mostly she is BU to mess your kids around

eerry · 17/05/2017 14:37

Twodots I think you've gotten confused somewhere, op's DC's were not invited.

If she needed the help, then a short discussion with you on best dates to host it would have solved all this. Just book the party on a weekend you don't have your children? Not inviting your DC's and expecting you to ditch them too it's totally unreasonable.

I don't know the history with your ex but I would not be happy swapping weekends either. People plan and book stuff in advance which is what your partner should have done.

TwoDots · 17/05/2017 14:43

Eerry I'm not confused. I know they haven't been invited but I'm suggesting that should be the compromise if his partner really does want help.

This weekend has been chosen as it's his partners weekend with the children and may be closer to the birthday (who knows)

All I'm saying is I can see both sides and suggested a compromise. No confusion here

TheMythOfFingerprints · 17/05/2017 14:44

She seems very dramatic.

She says she should be able to ask for help without fearing this reaction?
There is no bloody reaction, just a simple "I can't"

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 17/05/2017 14:46

Whoa steady with the emotional blackmail there!

I don't understand why she thinks you are the only person who can solve this or she has to cancel her ds' party - and no doubt will tell him that's your fault!

The parents of the kids who HAVE been invited can club together and give lifts. If the party is too far away then she shouldn't have booked it there. If the parents aren't unwilling to bring their dcs along then they don't get to attend. That's life. It's not on you to fix this.

If she really has pissed off eveyrone in her life to the extend that literally nobody else will help her out, that explains a lot!

Original poster

YodasBudLight · 17/05/2017 14:50

@fizzygreenwater thank you, I spend every Thursday after school with my kids and we do like having time to ourselves. Most weekends are all spent together as we are trying to blend families but last weekend I had mine all to myself and it was lovely. This used to be a big sticking point (a subject for another day perhaps) because I used to want to do more separate things as I felt my kids needed it. Amd me too

@twodots I agree with you, you're assumption is correct,she has given up things and I've broken promises before with timescales on living together etc but that seems separate to this specific thing.

@cherie I've suggested that just now, I always thought parents dropped off their own kids, this specific party is 30 miles away and there isn't anything like it closer, it sounds a lot of fun

What upsets me is she put me on the spot in front of her kids Sunday night when she suggested it so now I'll be the bad one! I've put my foot down and am staying firm on this

Just had this text from her, I've blanked out the names obviously

4- The fact is you now have a large family with lots of kids to consider and me (I'm supposed to be your wife one day remember?). There are more people than child 1, child 2 and your ex to consider. Somehow you have to balance all of our needs because right now me and the boys are getting neglected.

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 17/05/2017 14:50

The parents of the children get them to and from the venue , that's normal practice . I can't get past the fact that your children aren't invited when they are all similar ages , this is not a blended family and after this amount of time I doubt it ever will be . You are doing the exact right thing , which is put your children first .

eerry · 17/05/2017 14:51

I'm not unreasonable to ask for help and it may be she (my ex) would reschedule. We will never know.

Of course it's not unreasonable but it needs to be discussed and agreed on. Why should the Ex reschedule? If you're not on good term, just stick to the court order. That's what it's there for.

You're the one person in the world I should be ok to ask for help from and I shouldn't fear a reaction like this every time. I can't help she's crazy can I? But that doesn't detract from my needs. And my needs aren't being met

I'm not sure what this means. Is she getting pissed off at the rigidness of your contact? I dont think Thursdays and EOW is that hard to work around.

As it is, you won't help me and there's no other way to get the children there so I'll have to break it to (her son) that we will have to rethink his party. Poor boy.*

Where is his dad in all this? And again, why not just book it on a weekend you don't have your DC's?!

Or Twodots very sensible suggestion of just inviting yours along. Solved.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 17/05/2017 15:00

Or Twodots very sensible suggestion of just inviting yours along. Solved.

I suspect that would not work as there wouldn't be space in the car. other wise the op could just do something local to the party with his own dc.

eerry · 17/05/2017 15:00

Umm....families usually invite each other to parties. She sounds very self absorbed. Not sure you're in a winner there, sorry.

Put your DC's first. I'm sure they would be pretty heart broken to find out you blew them off to take your step kids to an amazed party they weren't invited too.

HildaOg · 17/05/2017 15:03

You're not a blended family, you don't live together and your kids aren't even invited to the birthday party she wants you to lose a days access for.

She doesn't care about your children and is actively trying to get you to put them behind her wants. Don't do it.

I think as parents we have a responsibility to settle down only with people who care for our children's wellbeing as much as their own. They have to be able to prioritise every child in the household. She doesn't even seem capable of recognising yours.

In your position, I'd dump. There are plenty of people who will be kind to your kids and understand your need to prioritise them over a partners wants.

CrazedZombie · 17/05/2017 15:09

Your partner is sounding worse with each text. She is being very emotionally manipulative.

There must be other people going to this party? I've asked friends to take my child to parties and they've been happy to help.

Would you have been invited to the party if you were child-free? Or did she expect you to drive 30 miles to the party, drop off, go home and return for pick up- (120 miles)?

This party must have been booked for weeks. In light of your scheduled contact why couldn't she book it on a week that your kids aren't there? It makes no difference having a few days before or after a birthday.

Yes- you have a big family and her kids are important but she's really not thought about your kids. This action of hers has really made a huge divide in your family. 5 years down the line, I'd expect a far more blended approach. If she was desperate for this friend to come then she'd fork out for a taxi or get a babysitter for the sibling who isn't celebrating their birthday. Why can't she offer a life? Most cars sit 4-7 people and if it's her and 2 kids then that's 3 people.

PollytheDolly · 17/05/2017 15:15

Those texts from your partner are awful OP, honestly. She's like this all of the time isn't she? That's why you're feeling like you are and having to justify what you're feeling on here.

I'm glad you are asking on here, as you can see, you are definitely NOT being unreasonable!

swingofthings · 17/05/2017 15:18

I get the feeling that her frustration is that you're not even willing to ask your ex. Maybe she doesn't believe that she would be prepared to swap. In any case she seems to think that you should have least asked which is not an unreasonable expectation.

The other consideration is how did it get to this. Surely you must hedge discussed you taking the kids and agree to it at least in principle. Is that the issue that she thought she could rely on you and she feels let down?

pinkunicornsarefluffy · 17/05/2017 15:20

Your DC should be invited to the party.

The party kids parents should take them to the party. if they don't want to then do something closer, but round here parents do 40 mile round trips to trampoline parks etc.

There's obviously more to it but you shouldn't be putting her DC first you should be putting yours first or treating all equally.

Speaking as a mum whose XH hasn't seen DC in 3 months, you sound like a great dad to me. You can't drop your DC for hers, that would make you a shit dad.

Your DP should appreciate the fact that you love your children and won't ditch them!!

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