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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Advice re EXW situation needed

19 replies

wheresthel1ght · 18/04/2017 22:34

Evening all, Hope everyone had a good Easter weekend!

I am sure I have posted about DP's EXW and her lack of understanding of boundaries but I need some advice on how to deal with a situation - or rather how to best make DP deal with it without coming off like a woman possessed.

DP's EXW has historically just appeared in our house - I normally keep the doors locked as a result of this. DSS has been on ski trip with school, DSD has been here all holidays. DSD had walked the dogs Sunday morning and not locked the door when she came back in. EXW dropped DSS off on Sunday morning, as the door was unlocked she just waltzed in - no knocking, no ringing the doorbell or anything. I was just setting the table and walking back into the kitchen when I found her in my hallway - frightened the living daylights out of me!

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Original poster

wheresthel1ght · 18/04/2017 22:41

sorry hit some random combo that posted early...

Anyways, this has happened several times before and I have expressly told DP that I don't like it, it is not her house, it is ours. She has no right to just waltz in anymore than anyone else who doesn't live here. He tells me he has spoken to her and yet she still does it - I have previously watched her from a neighbours house - not deliberately, I had popped round to collect a parcel she had kindly taken in and left the door unlocked, she walks up and tries the door, if its not locked she just walks straight in. No one else could have let her in (unless DDogs have learnt to open doors) as I was the only one home.

Now I find massively rude and a huge boundary issue and it is the reason I will not allow DSS or DSD to have a key to the house. Every time I try and get DP to see it it ends up in a row about making him choose and he is the one loosing out. I am not in any way trying to make him choose me over his kids. I am making him choose to set firm boundaries with his exw which to me is entirely different.

So wise readers of the step board how the hell do I get him to see that this is not about his kids who I adore (mostly) but is entirely about boundaries with his EXW???

OP posts:

Gogglerox · 19/04/2017 09:21

What the actual f*ck!
I would be horrified if she did this to me!
Firstly change your lock to a Yale lock - the kind that slams shut and can't be opened without a key.
Secondly I would have a word with her and tell her it's not ok to just come in without knocking - say you waltz around naked or you might be doing something intimate with tote DP and surely she doesn't want to be witness to that. You can even be blunt and say "Oh is the doorbell broken? Why on Earth didn't you use it?"
Thirdly if she doesn't get the hint start randomly turning up at her house and letting yourself in, she'll soon see how intrusive it is.

I would be literally horrified if anyone who didn't live in my home just waltzed in without at least knocking/ringing the doorbell. How incredibly rude of her!

Also was it you who posted about the ExW wanting a key to your new house?

Gogglerox · 19/04/2017 09:26

Also stand up for yourself OP - you need to tell you DP if he doesn't have a word with ExW and set boundaries then you will.

Original poster

wheresthel1ght · 19/04/2017 09:30

Goggle not my post but I did mention this issue on that post. There is no way in hell she is getting a key to my house! I won't let DSS (13) have one so he can let himself in after school because I don't trust her not to take it and continue to intrude - we were contemplating a key safe outside but not sure that would be a good idea either.

I am not sure you can fit a Yale lock on UPVc doors but I will look into it and I have made it very clear to DP that if he doesn't deal with it or she does it again I will not be accountable for my actions because I will toss her arse out and she will be left in no doubt that if she ever walks into my house uninvited again I will be having her arrested for trespassing!

OP posts:

Gogglerox · 19/04/2017 09:34

Is this your home with DP then? It's not the old family home?
Not that it should make any difference to be honest, the cheeky cow should still knock - but I'm trying to understand why she thinks it's ok to just walk in?
You're a calmer person than me I think I'd have lost the plot if I found my DPs ExW just lurking in my hallway lol

Original poster

wheresthel1ght · 19/04/2017 09:42

yeah it is our house. never been their family home. I could semi understand her thinking if it had once been 'her house' but we bought this together long after they had split.

She was hoping to be awarded their house in the divorce and I think she was expecting that DP would pay the mortgage in lieu of maintenance but at £1000/pcm there was no way in hell we could have afforded to do that and still have somewhere to live ourselves. She got a nasty surprise when both DP, solicitors told her no chance and then mortgage company refused her a mortgage unless she increased her salary - so I do wonder if part of it is her 'revenge' as she blames DP for everything, but not sure if that is not just me over thinking it all!

OP posts:

Gogglerox · 19/04/2017 09:52

Revenge or not, tell her to back the F off

user1486915549 · 19/04/2017 13:54

Have you actually told her to her face that she must not walk in to your house ?
What does she say ?

Iris65 · 19/04/2017 13:57

The very next time I would say in a loud clear voice 'What the hell are you doing in our home? Next time you knock please.' and then walk away.
You could alos be really arsey and send her back out to wait until DP can deal with her.

Iris65 · 19/04/2017 13:59

Channel a scary, intimidating headmistress or Margaret Thatcher berating one of her ministers!

Bibidy · 19/04/2017 15:19

I'd tell her straight OP.

This isn't a child issue and it's your home, so you've got as much right as DP to tell her she can't just walk in. Who does she think she is??

Only other alternative would be to change the locks to ones that lock automatically and can't be opened without a key.

Original poster

wheresthel1ght · 19/04/2017 15:52

I haven't yet told her directly but it is on the cards if it happens again.

Things with her are edgy at the best of times. She uses the kids as a weapon against DP - that he doesn't deserve. Basically if he/we don't agree to her every demand then she refuses contact. I think DP finds it easier to argue with me rather than stand up to her as I don't use our DD as a stick to beat him with. She had an affair and left him for OM, he has never really had the screaming match with her over that and I think he is worried if he argues with her then everything will get said and she will ban all contact.

The kids are great, and whilst they adore their Dad they are frightened she will stop them seeing him if they decide to stand up to their Mum.

I am googling locks for UPVc doors to see if we can add a Yale style lock.

Thank you for not flaming me :)

OP posts:

Dollyparton3 · 19/04/2017 16:37

I've got a UPVC door, locked myself out of it before by letting the door shut behind me so yes you can!

Original poster

wheresthel1ght · 19/04/2017 17:30

thanks Dolly will raise it with DP and see what he says - I am utterly rubbish at that sort of DIY so will need him to put one on. Give me a paintbrush or flat pack furniture and I can build it but power tools are a complete mystery!

OP posts:

daftgeranium · 21/04/2017 22:29

Just change the locks. This is your house and your space and she has no right to walk into it. Set some boundaries.

Original poster

wheresthel1ght · 21/04/2017 22:36

daft she doesn't have a key. DSD left the door unlocked. Changing the locks will not stop that!

Dolly I am struggling to find a retro fit slam lock for UPVC doors - don't suppose you know where you got yours do you?

I have spoken to DP and he is happy to get one fitted if we can - if not I will have to start playing the lottery so I can win and swap it to a composite door that I can get them for!

OP posts:

The1975 · 03/05/2017 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SparklyFairyDust · 03/05/2017 21:11

I know certain relatives, if they have the doors with a handle we just walk in. She must assume, well I'm family, so why stand outside knocking when I can walk right in.

Do you have a chain? Although I'm guessing if you had a chain you would just bolt the door.

DP should be on your side, put it to him, how would he feel if an ex of yours waltzed in the place like they owned in. Sorry I've no read TFT, but does she still technically have ownership rights that are waiting to be sorted.

I would suggest you sort it yourself, but I can't imagine that going down well. DSC can have a key maybe whilst there, but when they leave they hand it back, if you trust them not to get copies cut.

Unless it was once her house it's quite a strange situation. I would only walk into houses of people I know well enough, who have said please don't bother knocking, but you've made it clear that this isn't the case.

Reiterate to DP you find it disrespectful, you wouldn't do it, so why should she. That's the only angle I can really think of.

Original poster

wheresthel1ght · 04/05/2017 16:24

Sparkly nope she has no rights, we bought this house long after they had split and joint house sold. She just has no boundary!

OP posts:

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