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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU

69 replies

madbonkersmad · 01/04/2017 13:10

So DP has 2 sons from previous relationship. 8 and 10. He has them every other weekend from Friday til Sunday. I had 3DD before we met and we have 1 DD together.

When the boys stay over they sleep in my middle twos room and they have to sleep over at grans house. His ex will not let them sleep down stairs in the dining room we were willing to convert into their room. Every time they stay they destroy something in my girls room. It's getting to the point now where all we do is argue about it. Now he's saying he'll sleep downstairs with them every time they are here.

The only time is has off from work is when he has his DS,s this makes it harder.

AIBU for not wanting my girls to be upset as their stuff is always being destroyed??

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 01/04/2017 15:30

Well I would rather rejig the bedrooms a bit if it meant that all the children had a space to call their own and I wasn't having to send 2 of my kids away every fortnight. But if you aren't willing to move any of your daughters then just crack on with converting the dining room into a great room for them. If his ex causes a fuss then your DP will have to deal with that as it happens.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 01/04/2017 15:33

Converting a downstairs room is ideal. No one should have to move from their established rooms for what is in effect four nights a month. But nothing wrong with downstairs for the boys

Original poster
madbonkersmad · 01/04/2017 15:36

My thoughts exactly. This is the girls home. They are here 4 nights a month. I'm not refusing them their own space but don't see why I should have to upset the dd's

OP posts:
ZilphasHatpin · 01/04/2017 15:36

Put the boys in the baby's room and have her in with you when they stay.

Original poster
madbonkersmad · 01/04/2017 15:39

The little Ones room is tiny, no room for them both. When they both had that room they had bunk beds, but no room for her cot and bunk beds

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 01/04/2017 15:39

Why did you not consider the existing children and bedrooms before having a child together? Realistically the boys do need to have a bedroom for them that is personal space for them at both houses regardless especially as they get older. If you do convert the dinning room it should be solely for their use otherwise.

Original poster
madbonkersmad · 01/04/2017 15:41

Underthrmoonlight

We did consider this. I'm not refusing them their own space. It was my idea to convert the dining room, and yes it would be for their sole use, even though it's 4 nights a month.

OP posts:
ZilphasHatpin · 01/04/2017 15:41

Well then convert the dining room as their permanent bedroom and take the mother back to court if she stops contact.

averythinline · 01/04/2017 15:48

I too am surprised this wasn't worked through before you had the baby - even if they do get on with her it doesn't take away the fact that they have been 'evicted' from their room for her..

I cant see why anyone has to have a conversation with the ex re the sleeping arrangements at your house nowt to do with her...and hey 3k cheaper than a loft conversion/extension

It is not sustainable to kick the girls out eow

Could you sleep in with them and dp sleep with the boys in your room..in the short term?

ZilphasHatpin · 01/04/2017 15:51

You and DO could sleep in the converted dining room and give the boys your bedroom.

greeeen · 01/04/2017 16:22

any chance your DD16 would think it's cool to have a downstairs bedroom? Otherwise I think you just have to put the boys there and let DH fight it out with his ex as your current situation is very unfair on the two being shipped off!

Underthemoonlight · 01/04/2017 16:45

I agree with averythinline you didn't consider them before you evicted them from their room when the new baby arrived. You could have had that dinning room set up as a bedroom long time ago. Regardless if they are only there 4 nights a month they are still equal to all the children in the household at that time they are there they are also your dp sons there seems to be something off when you say but it won't be used any other time, you knew your dp had sons from a previous relationship they should be entitled to the same as what your Dds who aren't your dps children.

itshappenedagain · 01/04/2017 17:00

Why don't you get a sofa bed downstairs and you and your do sleep there and let them have your room for the 4 nights a month. At least then if anything gets broken in your room it's your stuff.

Original poster
madbonkersmad · 01/04/2017 17:01

The plan was always for the dining room. But DP always took his exes word that it wouldn't be suitable. If he just stood up to her this is wouldn't have been an issue, they would have had their own room.

My issue isn't having the boys, the biggest issue is the oh manning up!

OP posts:
swingofthings · 01/04/2017 17:48

Have you spoken to them about having the dining room converted? What do they think? I would imagine they would be delighted, certainly much more fun then sleeping in a pink bedroom and that will be even more so as they enter teenagehood.

If they are happy and are you, what is mum really going to say. Have you actually ask her what her issue is about them sleeping in the dining room? Could she have say no because she thought you intention is just to put some blown up bed in there whilst still keeping it a dining room?

workingmumsarebad · 01/04/2017 18:00

Firstly - your DDs should not be sent away.

Secondly - convert the dining room and see what happens.

However, the boys had a room and you took it away for the new baby - ever considered they may not feel welcome. Yes they may love the baby - but lets be honest they are not really welcome in your house.

They use your DDs room, full of their stuff, nowhere for them to put any of their stuff and rubbing it in their noses that they are temporary.

Do not talk about them having a room elsewhere - they need a space in their fathers house. They had it and it was taken away.

The two of you need to do something in your house and face the consequences. rather than blaming the EX before she has done anything.

Original poster
madbonkersmad · 01/04/2017 18:40

The ex has been spoken to about this. The reason she doesn't want them downstairs is that they could let themselves out in the middle of the night.

They were spoken to when we told them the news of the baby and they were more than happy to move out for her.

I'd also like to had that DD3 had that room before we met, she gave up her room for them. What's the difference in that for her?

OP posts:
ZilphasHatpin · 01/04/2017 18:41

So why haven't you and DP or your daughter/s moved into the dining room? This has been an issue for two years at least and you haven't done that. Why?

Underthemoonlight · 01/04/2017 18:45

100 percent agree with workingmum how old are they to be going downstairs? If they are fairly young I can see her point a view which might be wise for yourselves to move down to that room or your older Dds.

ZilphasHatpin · 01/04/2017 18:45

she gave up her room for them. What's the difference in that for her?

Was she given another room? Or was she sent to the garage/car boot/garden shed?

TheGoodEnoughWife · 01/04/2017 18:48

'They are not welcome in your house' what absolute rubbish. The OP has been sending her own children away so they could come. Cut her some slack.

'You should have thought about this before you had a child together' again, rubbish.

There is a perfectly good enough solution to change the dining room. You need to just do it (dh needs to man up) apart from potential cost am sure the mum would be laughed out of court to say a dining room converted for their use is unsuitable.

Underthemoonlight · 01/04/2017 18:49

The lads are not clearly happy to be in your daughters room if they are trashing it there's a reason they are doing this. You have a very cold attitude towards them the whole my dd3 gave her room up for them as it your a matyr but then your 4dd took it back. This is your dp sons your talking about they should be treated in the same way you would expect your dp to treat them.

Original poster
madbonkersmad · 01/04/2017 18:51

She had to share with her sister.

They have always had beds to sleep in, on talking to friends who spent time at their dads they slept on the sofa. There is no issue in me not wanting them to feel welcome, I'd just appreciate them respecting other people's stuff.

They are almost 9 and 11 so old enough to be downstairs in my opinion

OP posts:
Original poster
madbonkersmad · 01/04/2017 18:54

Thanks thegoodenoughwife

Feeling slightly bashed

They disrespect their stuff because they're generally a handful, really push their dad, always have done.

I stay out of it as much as possible

OP posts:
TheGoodEnoughWife · 01/04/2017 18:59

I'm afraid you won't win on this thread. Bash the step mother has occurred.

You sound like you are trying hard to make everyone happy.

It must be very hard for your girls to have their stuff broken. That in itself needs sorting out.

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