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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU

69 replies

madbonkersmad · 01/04/2017 13:10

So DP has 2 sons from previous relationship. 8 and 10. He has them every other weekend from Friday til Sunday. I had 3DD before we met and we have 1 DD together.

When the boys stay over they sleep in my middle twos room and they have to sleep over at grans house. His ex will not let them sleep down stairs in the dining room we were willing to convert into their room. Every time they stay they destroy something in my girls room. It's getting to the point now where all we do is argue about it. Now he's saying he'll sleep downstairs with them every time they are here.

The only time is has off from work is when he has his DS,s this makes it harder.

AIBU for not wanting my girls to be upset as their stuff is always being destroyed??

OP posts:

ZilphasHatpin · 01/04/2017 19:01

She had to share with her sister.

So a room that was permanently hers with all her own stuff in it. They don't have that.

Anyway, why haven't you and DP or one/a couple of your daughters moved into the dining room in the last 2 years?

Underthemoonlight · 01/04/2017 19:10

They don't have a room to call there own with their own stuff there. From their point a view they had their DF to themselves then he's had his new partner and her three daughters and a new sibling.. the bedroom situation should have been sorted ages ago and this may be why they are acting up.

Evergreen777 · 01/04/2017 19:19

Why not move the 16 year old downstairs?

Frouby · 01/04/2017 19:28

Why should any of the children who are there 30 days a month move downstairs? The 2 boys are there 4 nights a month.

If the baby cant go in with you OP I would get a couple of sofa beds for the dining room. On nights the boys are stopping ypur DH takes 1 sofa bed, the boys the other. It's 4 nights and the mother can't argue if they are sleeping in the same room as their df.

As the years go on things will change. Your eldest may go to university or leave home at which point you can have a rejig. But it's not actually that many dcs for a 4 bed property. I am the oldest of 6 and grew up in a 3 bed property. It's for 4 nights a month I am sure you can manage.

ZilphasHatpin · 01/04/2017 19:35

Why should any of the children who are there 30 days a month move downstairs?

Why, what is wrong with having the bedroom downstairs? (It will be converted to a bedroom) and if there is something wrong with it then why is it good enough for the boys but not the girls?

Also, I suggested OP and her DP could move downstairs, not just her daughters.

workingmumsarebad · 01/04/2017 19:49

Not SM bashing - you and DP need to grow some balls but also respect your DSSs asmuch as you do and your DP do the DDs.

They push their father because they see him 4 days per month, have no space of their own, see other kids with their Dad more than them - they destroy stuff because - maybe they are "bad" children but maybe they are jealous.

Your solution is apparent, easy and just do it - but try to include your DSSs in family life a bit more.

As to being happy to give up their room - knowing it is a fait accomplit and goinf with the flow and liking it - very different. Same happened to my DCs - never told their Dad but complained bitterly that they were pushed out and not wanted.

ballstoit · 01/04/2017 20:00

My 3 dc sleep at their Dads one night a fortnight. When exh met is fiancée their plan was for my 3 to sleep downstairs (aged 6,8 & 10). TBH I wasn't happy with that...worried about potential danger to them in the event of a house fire or burglary (possibly pfb of me) and also disruption to their sleep (small terraced house, 3 other teenage/early 20s dc who are out til late at weekends and front door/hallway right next to potential bedroom). Luckily, exh and his fiancée could see my point of view (we met to discuss it w/o dc) and one of her young adult dc moved downstairs instead. I had one month of half maintenance payment to allow them to afford to redecorate both rooms.

Why are you not prepared to move your oldest dc to solve the issue? Could be interpreted as being more worried about not giving into the ex than finding a solution that's acceptable to all.

Bibidy · 05/04/2017 13:20

I actually can't believe the bashing on this thread!

The OP is actually regularly shipping her own children out of the house in order for her step-children to have somewhere to stay that's acceptable to their mother.

Presumably when OP and her DH suggested the boys move out of the smallest room into the dining room they had no idea that their mother wouldn't allow it, otherwise they probably wouldn't have done it! In actual fact, it sounds like the boys would have ended up with a nicer, more spacious room had they been allowed to convert the dining room as planned.

OP, I think if you're DH isn't willing to challenge his ex on this issue, then the best option would be for your 16 yo to go downstairs. Even though I think her reservations are unfounded (any child could just as easily wander out into the street by simply walking down the stairs!), it makes the most sense, and she may even like feeling that she's got more privacy. Plus she'll be up later, so noise during the evening won't disturb her as it might younger children who'll be in bed earlier.

I think you sound like a great stepmum.

phoenixtherabbit · 05/04/2017 13:22

YANBU!

You've thought of a reasonable solution, fuck what the ex thinks it's shite all to do with her. It's not like you're putting them in the cupboard under the stairs.

If your dp takes her to court the judge will think she is a right tit!

Original poster

madbonkersmad · 05/04/2017 16:11

Thanks for the support in those last 2 posts. DP and I have barely spoken since the weekend.

I can see how it makes sense for the eldest to move downstairs however this is her home, plus she has her own bathroom so I'd feel really mean taking this away from her. After all it's not her fault I met somebody new with kids.

I really do try my best but it's getting more difficult. We argued on Saturday about a pair of socks! I was being selfish apparently because I wouldn't let his DS wear my DD football socks, she only has 1 pair and needed them for early the next day. I wouldn't mind but we have bought him several pairs and they never come back to our house. DP ended up punching a hole in my bedroom wall cos of this ffs!!

OP posts:

donajimena · 05/04/2017 16:24

I think you have bigger problems than a bedroom

Bibidy · 05/04/2017 16:36

I do totally understand that and you're right, it's not ideal. But it's more sustainable than you continuing to send the younger girls elsewhere for the night, there's only so long they'll be happy to do that.

Your DP was totally unreasonable about the socks. Your DD's things are not his to commandeer, even more so since she needed them early the next day.

willconcern · 05/04/2017 16:42

Your last post worries me. Your DP put a hole in the wall because his DS coukdn'the borrow your DD'so football socks, which she needed the next day?

You have bigger problems than a downstairs bedroom.

Original poster

madbonkersmad · 05/04/2017 17:15

Don't get me wrong he's never violent. He has never done anything like this before.

I just needed some reassurance I wasn't being silly not letting him wear the socks! It's ridiculous this actually happened about socks.

We aren't in a great place tbh, in all honesty I think he resents me as I have a great job I love, earn more than him and he hates his job.

OP posts:

ZilphasHatpin · 05/04/2017 17:22

Well I was all ready to say (again) why don't you and DO move into the dining room (in the two years this has been an issue!)

But having seen your latest post I can see a far more appropriate solution is to kick your nasty bastard DP out and then his children won't be your problem to accommodate any more.

ZilphasHatpin · 05/04/2017 17:24

He has never done anything like this before.

But he has now. So you can't say he isn't violent anymore because he now is. He has changed his status to that of a violent person. You know have this information about him. Whatever you do from this point onwards, you do with this knowledge that he is a violent man.

Bibidy · 05/04/2017 17:27

Well I was all ready to say (again) why don't you and DO move into the dining room (in the two years this has been an issue!)

Just assuming, but if it were me I'd imagine it would be impractical to be downstairs due to the baby....OP and DP might struggle to hear the little one if she wakes during the night, and then she'll disturb all the other children too.

swingofthings · 05/04/2017 17:34

I really don't get the 'they could get out of the house'. At that age, what's the difference between being upstairs and downstairs? If they wanted to get out whilst in your DD's bedroom, they could do so just as well, just maybe a bit more quietly.

Do they have a history of running away in the middle of the night?

It sounds like your OH think you have it for his DS so I would pick your battles. Still think that using the dinning room is the way forward. No harm doing so and see what happens, unless indeed, they have a history of running away in the middle of the night!

As for his behaviour, well, that's another thread.

ZilphasHatpin · 05/04/2017 17:37

OP and DP might struggle to hear the little one if she wakes during the night,

Baby monitor?

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