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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Bedrooms

57 replies

Mamamc123 · 08/03/2017 19:03

My DP and I are planning to live together later in the year and currently saving for 4 bedroom house.
I have DD and DS, he has 2 DDs.
Bedroom set up will be our room, DS in the smallest room, his 2 DD (8 and 12) in the second biggest room and my DD 7 in her own room.
Eldest SD has kicked off saying she wants her own room and SD 8 and DD 7 should share so she can have her own room.
Now there's several reasons why I'm putting my foot down about this...
Firstly SDs have their own rooms and private space and belongings at their mum's house. This bedroom will be my daughter's one and only bedroom (no contact with father) and I think she's entitled to her own room and things that are solely hers just as SDs are at their mum's.
Secondly SDs already share a room at DPs house - only 2 bedrooms and there's never been an issue with it in the 6 years they've lived there.
Thirdly they'll be getting a bigger room and more space anyway so they'll still have a lovely bedroom that it all theirs when they're with us (2 nights a week).
Fourthly my SD 8 wants to share with her sister as that's all she's ever known and what she's comfortable with.
But SD 12 is really kicking off about it, saying if she doesn't have her own room she's not moving.... now at first I was very sensitive to the fact that she's growing up and bodily changes etc but now she's saying she won't move from the house they're in (where she shares) if she can't have her own room?
And threatening never to come over which is obviously upsetting DP.
He is totally on my side - as are other 3 kids with the room set up.
What do I do about this?

OP posts:

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Chickennegg · 09/03/2017 12:29

That's why they're having the biggest room of the children's

5moreminutes · 09/03/2017 12:30

stepping and Sommer she says in the OP that Firstly SDs have their own rooms and private space and belongings at their mum's house. This bedroom will be my daughter's one and only bedroom (no contact with father) and I think she's entitled to her own room and things that are solely hers just as SDs are at their mum's.
Secondly SDs already share a room at DPs house - only 2 bedrooms and there's never been an issue

I don't think she has been inconsistent, though she has name changed (some people do use more than one name though to try to be less easily identifiable if they post about personal stuff - maybe its just a slip up with still being logged onto another device - its not sockpuppeting if you're not pretending to be a different poster and just forget you name changed.

Aderyn2016 · 09/03/2017 12:31

I think it is relevant what happens at their mum's house. You are trying to ensure that the children all have similar lifestyles, which is fair. No the sdc didn't choise for their parents to be divorced, but OP's dd didn't choose for her parents not to be together either. She also didn't choose step siblings.

Chickennegg · 09/03/2017 12:44

Thank you Aderyn that's my point exactly! I'm trying to make it as fair as possible for ALL the children involved - it wouldn't even be an issue if my daughter had a room at her dad's, but she doesn't.
I think this way all 4 children have a bedroom in the lives that is solely theirs and that's fair.
Not putting SDs wants above everybody else's doesn't make her a "second class citizen" as previously suggested, it just makes it fairer for all involved this way.
I shared with my sister who was 5 years younger than me from ages 5-19.
I think it'll cause greater issue when trying to blend the families together to force step-siblings who are still getting to know each other and living together to share a room. Sisters who live together all the time are more comfortable with each too, they currently share a room a DPs so they'll just carry on the status quo xx

SteppingOnToes · 09/03/2017 13:05

Ahh I understand now - they are currently sharing at DPs house, not DM

I think the room divider idea is a good one - Ikea cube book shelves are open on both sides aren't they? That could be useful? Or what about a 6 foot fish tank? I used to do this to separate my lounge and dining room.

Sorry for the misunderstanding - it does sound like you are trying to be fair.

FrenchLavender · 09/03/2017 13:11

If there are there only 2 days a week and have their own room for the other 5 then I think what you propose is perfectly reasonable.

Pinkbottletop · 10/03/2017 18:45

OP - stick to your guns. She's just trying her luck and will soon get used to it. Good luck with the move! Maybe allow the two girls to decorate the room the way they want? Take them to B&Q and let them choose paint etc

Sixisthemagicnumber · 10/03/2017 18:56

You are doing the right thing OP. I think the only sensible option is what you are proposing. The 12 year old is just trying to manipulate everyone into giving her what she wants to the detriment of your dd. I'm glad that your DP is in agreement with you and isn't siding with his daughter as what his daughter wants really isn't fair on the other girls. 4 years is not even a huge age difference and they are getting the biggest room.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 11/03/2017 15:12

What they have at home is nothing to go with you, neither is it relevant your child doesn't see their father.

All the children should be treated the same, if his have to share so should yours. You are telling the SDC that they aren't as important as yours very clearly. If your partner is willing to go along with that, then it says a lot about him as a father.

5moreminutes · 11/03/2017 15:34

Rainbows that doesn't actually make sense in this case. Op's way everyone has their own room somewhere. Your way (because there aren't enough bedrooms) OP's children never have their own rooms anywhere, but her step children do.

Chickennegg · 11/03/2017 15:37

Rainbows of course it's relevant! The overall whole lives of all 4 children is our responsibility.
Why should my children have to share? Ideally we'd love a 5 bedroom house so all of the kids could have their own room but it's not financially possible.
Each child is our set up will however have a room which is solely theirs in their lives which is fair.
Why should one child be allowed to decide she can have 2 bedrooms for her sole use and an another child in the family hasn't got any private space at all?
Anyway the question I was asking wasn't whether we were being unreasonable as a family to decide the bedroom situation... what I was asking was what can we do about her making unreasonable threats towards her father for not getting her own way?

Chickennegg · 11/03/2017 15:43

And actually Rainbows I think the fact that my DP took a step back and considered the overall situation for all of the children in our family makes him a wonderful dad/step dad to all of them

sadandanxious · 11/03/2017 17:18

Why should my children have to share?

Well maybe because yours is one of the youngest whereas DSD is the oldest? Of course your DD gets her own private space - when the others are with their mum - just like you're expecting your DSD to do.

Chickennegg · 11/03/2017 19:10

So I'm to put eldest SDs wants above the those of both her own biolgical sister and my own daughter just because she was born first? Give over 🙈

Chickennegg · 11/03/2017 19:15

I'm sorry age doesn't trump everything, in the bigger picture it's the fairest solution for all involved.
They get the biggest of the children's rooms, SD8 wants to share with her sister as they always have done at Dad's, both have individual private bedrooms also.
And no my DD would only have a shared bedroom ever... and I that isn't fair when all the other children in the family have their own bedrooms solely for them.

Chickennegg · 11/03/2017 19:18

And let me be clear - my children are both with my ExH who does not see them - not just DD. I only mentioned DD as DS would for obvious reasons not be sharing with girls. They are both entitled to private space of their own. As are my lovely SDs who fortunately are able to have that privacy at their mother's house.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 11/03/2017 20:18

So basically yours come first simply because their other parent stuck around.

I never understand why adults date somebody with children knowing they will treat them differently and treat them as second best. I don't blame her not wanting to come, it's likely very obvious to her that she's no longer a priority to her father. You both ensured the move meant your children had their own rooms but not her and her sister.

Chickennegg · 11/03/2017 20:32

What? Of course she is a priority but so is his other daughter and my two children also who all want the set up proposed! Why, just because she is a couple of years older, more important than the other children in the house? And that slight difference in age makes her entitled to 2 private bedrooms?
Her younger sister WANTS and has asked to share with her big sister.
So younger SDs feelings don't count then?
SDs will only be here roughly 1/3 of the time.
Yes ALL children deserve the fairest outcome which seeing as 3 out of 4 kids are happy with, and this way each child has their own bedroom in their lives.
What happens when almost 9 year is old hits puberty and decides she no longer wants to share with my DD if they shared? Should I magic an extra bedroom again out of thin air?

Chickennegg · 11/03/2017 20:34

We ensured our move will have the maximum number of bedrooms we can financially afford. There was no malice in the decision in bedrooms, if we could afford 5 bedrooms we of course would have them.

CMamaof4 · 11/03/2017 20:35

Why should she be "priority" rainbow?
All the children should be treated the same, Its pretty obvious the op has thoughtfully worked out the best way to divide the rooms so it works out for ALL the children.
I shared a room with my two sisters until I was 13, never did me any harm.

Op I think you have worked it all out very well, She will come round in time.

Chickennegg · 11/03/2017 20:37

Like I said previous SD8 does not want to share with DD, and neither does DD want to share with her.
We cannot reasonably put their feelings aside just to appease the minority vote.

Chickennegg · 11/03/2017 20:38

Thank you Cmama!

Magda72 · 12/03/2017 00:43

Stick to your guns OP. It's only 2 nights a week and she has plenty of privacy when in her mums house.
Maybe she's kicking off because you & dp & your dcs are going to be together 'full time' as it were? If so, that needs to be addressed - but not by giving in to her demands.
My dp is moving into my home in a few months & his three boys, who all have their own rooms at their mums, are going to have to share one (enormous) room while here.
My own dcs have their own rooms in my house but have to share with each other at their dads (2 nights a week) as rooms their are needed for their half siblings who live there all week.
That's the reality of divorce - for better or worse.

WateryTart · 12/03/2017 07:22

Ignore rainbow's frothy she's bonkers.

MycatsaPirate · 14/03/2017 18:36

I've been in your situation and it's hell trying to keep everyone happy. FWIW I agree your plan sounds perfect. The 12 year old needs to get over it.

When I first moved in with my DP (five years ago) he was in a 2 bed house. My DD's were 13 and 6. His were 16 and 8. His 16 year old wanted to live with us but insisted on having her own room. She also wanted a double bed (in the biggest bedroom), a lock on her door and allowed to have bf's sleep over. DP said absolutely not and it all kicked off from there.

His ex got involved. Said my two should share the small bedroom and his two should have the big room. Meaning the 16 year old got a huge room to herself except when her 8 year old sister was staying EOW and would have a blow up bed.

Dp and I said no, that the two teens would share the the two younger would share. His oldest said it wasn't fair that my 6 year old had a room to herself all the time while she had to share.

In the end she refused to move in. My DD's had a room each with the 6 year old having the bigger room which we put bunks in so the 8 year old had her own bed and space.

5 years later his EX is still fucking banging on about it. How it was really unfair how her DD (the then 8 year old) had to share with the 6 year old and she should have had her own room.

This was a two bed house! Did they all think we could just magic up an extra three bedrooms by magic? This apparently, is why she no longer wants to come and see DP despite now having the option of having her own room while my teen is at uni.

Wouldn't it be lovely if we could just magic up a house with a million bedrooms to keep everyone happy? I just couldn't justify rooms sitting empty most of the time when there were other dc sharing a room. Batshit.

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