21 year old SS and "access visits".

[ThePretendAmerican]

DH still has access arrangements for his 21 year old son. In fact, the arrangement has not changed since it was created when his son was 15.

The arrangement is that he picks SS up at 5pm every Saturday and drops him home again 6pm every Sunday.

I find the whole thing absolutely surreal. A 21 year old man coming through the front door with his weekend rucksack on his back - disappearing upstairs to play on his computer games???

DH sees nothing abnormal about it whatsoever and god forbid I mention it! SS has never worked and had not been to college for 2 years. He does nothing. Surely at his age he should be out earning a living and socialising with mates on a weekend? Not sitting at his dads house like a child?

This weekend DH has to go up where SS lives with his mother for something else so has asked if he can pick up SS at 12 instead of 5 but has said no problem if this isn't doable. So he will happily drive all the way back up there a second time in order to stick to this 5pm access arrangement??

To be fair DSS cancels on DH a fair bit these days but if he doesn't message him before hand - DH will simply set off to pick him up every Saturday tea time. On a few occasions DH has turned up and nobody has been in as SS has "forgotten" to tell him he wasn't coming?!

Surely this is a weird situation no matter which way you look at it?

Utterly, totally bonkers!

It's not your problem. If he's happy having a regular agreement to see his son I think that's a great thing. I see my mum every Tuesday as a set date, nothing weird about that.

Bloody odd situation! I guess the DSS is infantalised by hos lack of job / study, presumably he still receives pocket money etc?
No advice, just wanted to reassure that yes, it is a weird situation. Good luck, he'll still be having his sleepovers when he's 35!

Yep bonkers! Have you posted about this before? Sounds familiar.

Very familiar but I think it was a girl last time?

I'm going against grain and saying at 21 a father is still an important part of a young persons life. We have a 21 year old and his relationship with his father is key to how he develops and grows into manhood- role modelling appropriate relationships, work ethic, nurturing family, financial management etc. Before I get shouted down, of course a single mother can do those just not from a male perspective.
I wouldn't push any of ours out of the nest. It's a gradual thing not one minute child one minute adult. I'd leave well alone and be grateful it was still a positive relationship and that your husband was being a good father.
Our children (18 -24) still spend weekends with us regularly. Those with partners bring them too. It's lovely to see them gradually becoming less dependent and to change the parent/child relationship into adult/adult relationship. It's even lovelier that they still want to spend time with us and our family friends/events.

The fact that he's not got a job etc is a problem, but not really related to the access visits. Sounds as if DSS is growing up, seeing friends etc some weeks, which is why he sometimes cancels, so no real problem with him seeing his dad every Saturday when he's free.

I'd suggest your DP picks him up sternly any times when he's not there and hasn't told you. That's really rude behaviour, and to tolerate it without issue is demeaning, and failing to teach DSS how to treat people in his life.

Is there no way DSS could make his own way to yours? They would feel a lot more natural at his age. Can he drive? Could you pay for lessons? If he's living somewhere with no public transport and can't drive that won't be helping his job hunting either

Why is his "sitting at home" more of a problem at your house than at his mum's? Is your house not also his home?

It is odd, but then I personally think it odd that a 21yo would not be more than encouraged to do something for his life. I wouldn't have my kids at that age at home doing nothing, they would be told to get out and find their way.

Saying that, as long as it suits everyone, who cares if it is normal or not. Surely it is not inconveniencing you so as long as your OH is happy to pick him up and sticking to that arrangement, why not?

I'm sorry I'm not laughing at YOU but wow the situation is hilarious and so odd ! I had my own place , job and expecting my daughter at 21 and he's being treated like a 12 year old . I would say he's welcome there at weekends but can make his own way and surely he doesn't have to check times with the ex ?!

OP - I cringed when I read this. We had a ridiculously strict access rota right up til DSS went to Uni, and if he hadn't started uni, I fear we'd still have an access schedule now, even though he's 23.

Surely there comes a point when a child-orientated access schedule has to morph into a more age-appropriate relationship?

But if you're having to arrange your life round this arrangement - e.g. only being able to make limited weekend plans due to DSS's arrival - then this issue needs sorting out. Otherwise you could be running your life around access visits when he's 35!!! Scary stuff .....

My kids stopped at 16 (both had jobs) and DSS who is also 21 hardly ever comes to see us as he works shifts and lives a long way away he phones and texts (normally to borrow money ).

Wish my 19 yr old and 17 yr old still would go occasionally as if we go away we have to "trust" them and leave them here alone - or get my mum to come and stay.

It's not odd that DSS sees his father regularly or stays over lots but it is nuts that they are still working to an access arrangements routine.

Well, I expect they still want to see each other, but bringing him for access visits at 21.......seriously odd!
Wouldn't they be better, just meeting at a pub, and chatting, watching the game with a few beers?!

Why use the word access visit?

It's an adult son spending his weekend with his Dad.
Okay it sounds like quite a rigid arrangement, but it's not harming anyone so what's the problem?

But if the OP finds she never gets a clear weekend with her DH, due to these “rigid visits” by an adult, then I think this would be a problem? Can the OP and her DH go out alone on Saturday nights, or with friends, or do they have to stay home and ‘babysit’ because DSS is visiting?

This all sounds very familiar.

Dixie but DH and his son may well be happy with the arrangement, but the OP clearly isn't, otherwise she wouldn't be posting. And surely the OP's feelings are just as valid as everyone elses? It's not all about DH and his son?

I think it's nice that he still comes to visit, but I think it's very strange that he's not doing anything with himself, and it's even stranger that he needs picking up! Can he not get himself around at 21!?

well my DP could feel any way he likes, but if want to pick my adult son up for the night every Saturday, that’s what I will do

….. and therein lies the problem. No compromise, no interest in your partners feelings, even though a child-like arrangement for an adult might be wearing rather thin. No wonder step families are such a minefield.