Desperately seeking advice re stepson ...

[scrumpy]

This could go on for a long time but I will try to keep it brief. After another monumental row with stepson I am at the end of my tether. I have been with my dh for about 4 and a half years his son from a previous marriage is nearly 14 and lives with us permanently, his mother died when he was 3. My dh also has another ds who stays with us every other weekend and who lives with his Mum..no problems there. I have a four month old ds who is a joy and is my first child. I have lived with dh for 4 years and his son and it has always been difficult, we have had social services involved and counselling from the NSPCC for stepson, he is disruptive, rude continually on report at school and if not falling out continually with dh then it is with me. When it was just the 3 of us I coould cope but now with a baby I cannot go on with the conflict. We have a lovely home and I do try to be reasonable with stepson but I cannot keep enduring the arguments..tonite after a row about hwk he threatened to harm himself if I spoke to my dh about it.. he even picked up a knife not that this is the first time he has threatened this although not recently. He has been through counselling and so have we but it seems to have made no difference...help I could go on but I see no light at the end of the tunnel, dh is working until 04.00 am and we are trying to find a solution without resorting to contacting social services

thanks

bump anyone out there..

Absolutely no advice, I can't begin to think of how to deal with this, but many sympathies. You clearly have to sort something out- I know he is little more than a child, but this is not the ideal atmosphere in which to bring up a baby. Hugs.

thanks tamum just helps knowing others out there..its been a long night.

scrumpy, lots of sympathy but no advice I'm afraid - tough for you of course but can't help thinking poor little boy, lost his mum at 3, then had a stepmum and a halfbrother, now has another stepmum and another halfbrother, god knows what he has gone through before you came on the scene - I know this is no help and I'm sure I would feel just as helpless and hopeless as you in this situation but what is going to happen to him?

Does he talk to you and/or his dad? Can you have a conversation with him? How does he feel? What does he want to happen? Are there grandparents he could go to?

Oh scrumpy, I wish I could help. Would it be worth calling social services to just talk to them? If they have been involved before maybe they could make some suggestions? Your ss must know how desperate you are presumably- I guess there's nothing you can say to him that hasn't already been said?

My dh granparents live in Scotland my ss does not see family on his mothers side due to some terrible happenings when ss was small around time of his mums death.. his mums family all seem to have some type of problems either mentally or socially..so no contact since 3 years and he does not ask about them. My parents have welcomed him into the family and will have him to stay but he is confrontational with my mum who is an absolute dear and tshe is also 65. the rest of my family have welcomed him as have I to for the first cople of years I tried everything to create a normal family home but it is never enough.... we need a break to let things settle but we do not know how to get it.. I will add that my dh is fully supportive to me and his second marriage failed because of problems with ss...

janh...ss knows that the conflict is tearing the family apart we just ask him to be reasonable ie respect others, help at home when asked...when I say that I cant go on he says he knows that and he will change his behaviour tomorrow he will forget that tonite ever happened and act like it was nothing even though I ended up shouting baby crying it was truly awful...I do love him but its making my life a misery I also go back to work on Monday and I am worrying myself sick that he will have huge fall outs with dh when I am not here...and I am worried for my ds.

Scumpy - so sorry you are going through this. I am no expert but I would have thought that seeing you with your new baby must be absolutely gut-wrenching for him. He must wonder what his babyhood was like and will have no (or almost no) memory at all of his own mum. He must see you with your DS and want all of that love for himself - with his own mum.

I think I would be cutting him an awful lot of slack at the moment. I would be giving him all the attention I could and I would be making sur that your DH talks to him a lot about his babyhood with his mother and how much she loved him etc. Subtle things like 'oh- thats just the way your mum used to look at you when you did....' Is it possible for your DS to ahve some time on his own with DH - just to keep the bonding going at this difficult time for him.

I'm sure you are trying all you can - so please don't be annoyed with me if you have tried all of the above. You sound like a very caring DSM and I hope you find a way through this

soapbox..thanks for the post it would be very difficult to tell ss that his mum cared for him etc etc as she tok her own life not only that but she may of mentally abused him he was only 3 and he has only vague recollections. he was loved a great deal by his previous stepmum (sounds like a real complicated family and it is) and I have loved him and tried so hard with him for 4 years before ds came along. We made sure that he felt special when ds came along I bought him a present from ds let him choose clothes for him to go out in hold him etc dh also kept reminiscing about his baby days and how lovely he was it makes no difference. Tonite he shouted and told me I wanted dh to myself and ds and that I always wanted to get rid of him. DH has had long conversations with ss eventually saying if it does not improve then we may have to think about involving social services to give us a break. dh can get very angry with ss and they find it hard to be in same room for more than an hour at a time ss has been a very difficult child since his primary school days...dh can take no more either...

Scrumpy, me and dh have gone down the social services road, they took ss out for the day and basically gave him what he wanted. Although this might not be the case if you and your husband choose this route it is some thing to consider carefully. Have you tried a counselling service for your ss? to try to get him to explain how he feels about everything?
We are doing the same thing with ss, it has helped to calm him slightly and any improvement no matter how small is a help.

sheryl

MMmmm - I think what you've said about his mum just makes it worse from his point of view. He must be so desperate to have what your DS has and I would imagine some of his comments are just his way of testing you. How much do they really love me - do they love me as much as the new baby etc etc. It really must be a deeply unsettling time for him.

Would it be possible to do family counselling and see if there is a way to resolve the sitation for all of you? Do you think you and DH adn DSS would agree to give it a shot?

I think what you have here is a situation which is a right mess - but of no-one's making (although his natural mother taking her own life and having abused him certainly must be a major contribution). Do you think your DH might feel guilty about the start in life your DSS had? Do you feel this might contribute in any way to the stresses?

Sorry - realise this is just a ramble - But maybe it might help in someway or other

stevensmum...ss has had social service involvement since the age of 6...first just having a "friend" to talk to about his mums death.....then about his behaviour at school towards his then sm this was before my time since I have been with dh he went to a special counselling service with the nspcc for ayear once a week for an hour then once a fortnight this was when he was 9/10 as he used to threaten to hurt himself etc etc eventually they said that they had gone as far as they could go with him and the sessions stopped when he was about 12 since then we have had no social service involvement and have muddled along getting to the brink and pulling back again but now with ds in the house I want to protect him from everything including all the tension dh is going to speak to social in morning to get some help....

soapbox....see reply earlier to mummytostevens post...I do not think dh will do counselling again as he has been there and he has battled with ss for many years...he was on his own with ss for about 3 years before we started our relationship ss does not like his father having a relationship partner etc even though I have told him we love him etc but do not like his behaviour...as time goes on he is getting bigger and stronger and I am concerned for the safety of myself and my ds although he has never threatened us..I am at a loss to know what to do.

Sounds like you have tried every avenue...if ss isn't willing to give a little then i'd say it's time to look after you and your ds, may not be popular what i'm writing but i'm kinda in the same situation, it's difficult but there is ds to think off so i'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

Message withdrawn

Hi Scrumpy, I'm joining you a little late here, wasn't around last night. You are not alone, there are plenty of stepmums on mn who are or are going through a similar , me being one. For what its worth I'll share my experience with you, sorry this may be long. I "inherited" 2 boys who also lost their mum when they were 1/3 and we all moved in together just before the youngest started school. The oldest boy has generally been an angel although as he's now 13 we've entered the awkward teenage phase! The youngest however has been quite frankly a nightmare. His behaviour at school, at home, on holiday, at relatives, in restaurants, you name it, has been appalling and many times, violent. As he didn't have a great start to his life, we just put his problems down to that, so did school. However, things took a turn for the worse a couple of years ago when he threatened to hurt himself. We then realised we couldn't handle this on our own and asked our GP for help. He joined a long waiting list at the nearest child and family unit. Finally he saw an Occupational Therapist and Child Psychologist. Because of his background he had automatically been put in the "attachment issues box" (as I call it) and received one to one sessions with the Therapist. He almost enjoyed going, although this was probably because he got the afternoon off school and his behaviour improved in some ways, i.e. his violent outbursts would be 1/2 a week rather than most days. The general day to day hassle of life with him, inattentive, impulsive/lack of self control, defiant, refusing to do any request (including any homework, didn't care if he was threatened with detention), behaviour did not however improve at all. After further investigation we discovered that although extremely bright (IQ of 126 at 10!) he does have some specific learning difficulties, for which he is currently being assessed, so we are told some of his behaviour is simply out of frustration. The Therapist/psychologist are for the moment, keeping him in the attachment issue box but we are going to ask for further investigation ideally through a paediatrician (see my thread of yesterday special needs: any experience of fragile x).

I have no great advice to give but I know in handling my dss, I have learnt to let the little things go including the state of his bedroom and I am determined to explore every avenue for an answer to his problems, otherwise I will feel as though I've failed him.

Does your dss have any learning difficulties? particularly as he's having problems at school? As for threatening to self harm this is probably because he is unable to control a situation and he gets overwhelmed (this is what we were told anyway). You need to take that seriously, go to your GP, go on your own/or ask for telephone appointment if he refuses to go with you.

More importantly, take some time out now and again just for you, away from that family situation, it really works for me. It's very hard to stay strong all the time but you can do it. I valued my relationship with dh too much to just walk away.

I hope in a little way this helps, really just to know you're not alone LMBx

Do you think you would be saying this about your own child or asking for a break??

Only asking cause I was a step child - lost my mum at 19 months and although I have not really had anything like the problems your son has my sister has (and I should be more sympathetic with her but it gets to you after a while doesn't it!!). Your family actually sound a lot like ours - we didn't have contact from bm's family either.

We don't know whether it is just because she is a selfish difficult cow or because the head injury she sustaimed during the accident that killed our mother or that she remembers the horrific scenes after the accident and the awful injuries that she sustained (althuough this I doubt no matter how much she goes on about it because she had to be taught the basic human things like going to the loo, feeding herself etc and the consultant said she actually had complete amnesia from the extent of the brain injury!!) or that she just remembers her mum and losing her at such an age was soo traumatic.

Its hard I feel so sorry for your DSS I know what its like to be a stepchild, to have lost a parent and to a degree to be misunderstood but I also feel sorry for you cause we for so long put up with my sister and her moods and violence and general crap everyday!!

I have to say though that have you thought that he may have the same sort of problems his mothers sisde have, mentally - depression is hereditry to a degree - my grandfather was a manic depressive and both my sister and I have been diagnosed as depressive during our lives.

And I have to say that the biggest thing in my life is that I haven't had a mother - a proper one - no matter how much she tried to pretend I just know she would have treated her own children differently and did but I also know that her children have not had to go through some of the horrific life experiences we have because they did not lose their nmother at such a young age.

Half of me feels like shouting - you took the man and his son on, you knew the problms he had and that hsi life had already been torn apart twice - you have to hang in there and help him but half of me feels so much for you because I know whatr devastation an unruly teen can reek on a family!!

Hope things get better for you.

Twinkie XXX

Hi scrumpy, sorry I have no experience of this and can't offer any advise. But you have my sympathy of living with the constant arguing because that's how I feel.

From one of you who has involved social services, can you tell me what happens? I'm having a child in need meeting at school next Wednesday and social services are coming. My child is distructive and very aggressive. I've given up on him and he's only five. What can I expect from social services? Are they baby snatchers?

Flip...from my limited experience the social services are not baby snatchers..I am also a pc and in my experience it is rare for any child to be taken from the home unless absolutely necessary.....and I have seen some truly awful cases..and the child remains in the home I am not saying those are your circumstances though.
initially we also had meetings at primary school with ss and there were educational pscychologists, social services representative and others it really revolves around discussing how school can cope with the behaviour and also the assistance that can be brought in my ss had a learning assistant...this probably answers twinkies question re learning difficulties he does suffer from dyslexia and obviously gets frustrated. When ss was at primary school he had a counsellor who he could talk to ....I think we have been through about 4 now. We have today been referred to our dr who will then refer us to family therapy....the school rang today to state he has been referred 3 times this week for unacceptable behaviourin lessons.

twinkie...I hear what you say and I feel so guilty about giving up on him as does my dh both been in tears today...dh has gone to work ss has gone out to meet friends...the only thing I can say is how long do you keep trying? I lost my temper last night something I have never done is shout and rant and I did and my four month old was crying it was an awful experience and my ss would not do a thing I asked I just wanted him to leave the room to give me some cooling down time but he refused and started shouting abuse plus the incident re self harm....If it continues there will have to be a solution as I cannot bring my ds up in this sort of tension it is not fair on him or me...I accept I married my dh and took on his son however 4 and a half years of trying to show him that I love him and care for him is now frankley getting to the point where something has to give and it seems to be me..

Flip, don't panic, is the first thing most of us will probably say. We saught help with my dh son, we have had difficulty with him from the age of 2 and a half after me and his dad got together and we stopped his biological mother from having access to him because she mistreated him. Social services can give you a break time where they will take your ds out for a couple of hours a week just so you can chill. They can also offer a service where they take ds for the weekend. He gets to do all diffirent kinds a stuff like park, ice skating or swimming etc, and you get the chance to catch your breathe and spend time with dh or other kids you have. They can be very helpful....my dss is now 6 and although he has appointments with community nurse at family pychiatry i still find him difficuklt to cope with at times when his dad isn't around.

scrumpy, sorry i didn't get on earlier...sounds like things got rough last night. Let's hope the referal brings some good news.

hi stevensmum...how has your day been? We have a dr appointment next week for dss and we have a family meeting tomorrow..me dh and dss should be interesting..all quiet today I have avoided confrontation as dh has gone to work..although dh spoke to ds this morning and advised him re his behavoiur and for it not to happen this evening...I have let him go to visit friends anything for a quiet life...

Our day has been pretty quiet. dss finished school at 1pm today as it is now his summer hols 7 weeks of arguing and throwing toys? i hope not. We had a freind down around 4pm so he has been behaving himself uptil then. dh has just gone out to his club and the two babies are in bed asleep, dss is playing in his room for now but wants to watch his new dvd.

dh is like you and has anything for a quiet life, not that there is anything wrong with that, but i try to be the same but feel that it gives dss the better half as he then gets to do anything he wants and i feel like i've giving up.

Maybe that is the way forward but makes it harder for me because i go by how my grandparents taught me and although they were not strict we knew where we stood and didn't push it further.

after the nail varnish fiasco last night i found his school trousers this morning covered in nail varnish. it's annoying just the fact that they would have done him for the first couple weeks of 2nd term but now we have to buy brand new before he goes back.

School holidays the thought makes me nervous...however my dear brother has offered to have ss for aweek he lives in north yorkshire has no kids and is a great character ss will love having a holiday with him we are also going to ask his grandparents to have him for a week just to give us some time to recharge the batteries...i have been surprised at the posts regarding the help that can be acquired for ss we have had the majority of it but am going to push for more help...otherwise we are all going to go mad spoke at length to dh today and its tearing him apart and me but he does not want to lose another family how many other mums would subject there own children to damaging behaviour from sc...this seems mean but who do you protect should be both I know but when baby is only 4 months I am afraid its no contest..