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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Desperately seeking advice re stepson ...

51 replies

scrumpy · 30/06/2004 00:54

This could go on for a long time but I will try to keep it brief. After another monumental row with stepson I am at the end of my tether. I have been with my dh for about 4 and a half years his son from a previous marriage is nearly 14 and lives with us permanently, his mother died when he was 3. My dh also has another ds who stays with us every other weekend and who lives with his Mum..no problems there. I have a four month old ds who is a joy and is my first child. I have lived with dh for 4 years and his son and it has always been difficult, we have had social services involved and counselling from the NSPCC for stepson, he is disruptive, rude continually on report at school and if not falling out continually with dh then it is with me. When it was just the 3 of us I coould cope but now with a baby I cannot go on with the conflict. We have a lovely home and I do try to be reasonable with stepson but I cannot keep enduring the arguments..tonite after a row about hwk he threatened to harm himself if I spoke to my dh about it.. he even picked up a knife not that this is the first time he has threatened this although not recently. He has been through counselling and so have we but it seems to have made no difference...help I could go on but I see no light at the end of the tunnel, dh is working until 04.00 am and we are trying to find a solution without resorting to contacting social services

thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
scrumpy · 30/06/2004 22:40

re nail varnish what happened?

OP posts:
Flip · 30/06/2004 22:42

thank you. You've both put my mind at ease re social services. I'm so sorry that you're having difficult times to.

stevensmum · 30/06/2004 22:48

He got up to go to the toilet and sneaked a bottle of my nail varnish in his room and proceeded to paint his room in pink.....then tried to say he didn't have it when we went in to question him. dh put his hand out for the bottle and low and behold the bottle appeared from under the bed. lol i can laugh about it now but last night i was pink in the face from anger

stevensmum · 30/06/2004 22:51

regarding choosing...when they are that young there is no contest you are right. It might be difficult for our dh's but there are younger children that need protecting. dh has had 2 wives before me and they didn't work out because step-children were involved and he does not want the same thing to happen this time. He said he waited sixteen years for me and the children and now that he is finally happy he is not prepared to loose that for a child that does not behave himself and threatens his younger sister. There is a line upto the point you do not cross and unfortunately for my dss he is on the line and at the brink of crossing it.

stevensmum · 30/06/2004 22:56

We treid social services and community nurse but unfortunately none seems to be working at the rate we would like and with a 4 year court battle that is still ongoing it is driving my dh to the point of clapse. Don't get us wrong we both love ds to bits but its the behaviour and attitude that comes with him that is the problem, like most parents we have treid all different sorts of "punishment" from early nights to no tele and other sorts, none of the violent matter, but nothing seems to work on dss, it's like he is amune and will be determind to do whatever he wants to do at no matter what the cost.

Original poster
scrumpy · 30/06/2004 23:13

stevensmum..ditto my dh says the same and its hurting him so much to get to the point where he may ask for his ds to leave...it hurts me to I thought I could make a difference rose colured glasses spring to mind...re nail varnish at least its this seasons colour

my ss has just spent 20 pounds at school buying a bling bling necklace from someone it is absolutely awful especially as we live in a small country village where no one does bling he looks foolish however he thinks he is a gangster rapper..I try to remain calm especially when he plays the abysimal music at full blast..

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stevensmum · 30/06/2004 23:17

atleast we are still able to laugh, there must be some hope in that. Basically the last word is down to our dh's. As they are the "parent that matters" as most courts say. our dss's will just have to start understanding they can only push so far before the edge is near.

stevensmum · 30/06/2004 23:18

I'm gonna go now, did you get the message about email scrumpy? if yes then hope to speak to you soon. xxx

Original poster
scrumpy · 30/06/2004 23:20

Agreed...just had my mum on the phone she is brilliant offering support she is very concerned for safety of grandson and also for ss she has tried so hard with him and he is usually rude to her although not with my father...do you think they have a problem with females???

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Original poster
scrumpy · 30/06/2004 23:21

also told ss to be home at 8.00pm and the very latest 8.15 still no sign....here we go again

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stevensmum · 30/06/2004 23:22

Most definately,dss seems to hate all females, hence him kicking all his teachers at one time or another. gotta go now scrumpy catch up tomoz sometime bye xxx

Original poster
scrumpy · 30/06/2004 23:22

yes thanks speak to you again have a quiet weekend..

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littlemissbossy · 30/06/2004 23:25

Hi scrumpy, glad that today is a bit quieter for you. LOL at the bling bling necklace, just the thing my dss would do. This week we've been bullied into buying a second-hand drum kit! He can't play, the noise is horrendous, I must be mad, but at least he's taking his aggression out on something else and not me

Original poster
scrumpy · 30/06/2004 23:28

littlemissbossy....ss has arrived home stating he has been chased by maniacs in car from another village....another tall story I think but atleast its original...must be after his bling bling necklace...a drum kit!!! as you say if it lets him take out his temper on that well and good!!Feeling more hopeful this evening knowing lots of mums out there with same problems...

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WideWebWitch · 30/06/2004 23:35

Scrumpy, poor you but poor him too, I do feel for him. He can't be happy to be behaving like this (I know, stating the obvious, sorry!), what does he say he wants? Or doesn't he? I was a stepchild too and our stepfather disliked us intensely (still does, actually) although this 'only' manifested itself in cold, distant, strict behaviour towards us. I thought I'd forgiven it but recently have realised that I haven't. Anyway, I suppose I wanted to say please keep trying with him, 14 is quite young really and he must miss his mum. I think I'd go for social services and getting all the help you can.

Original poster
scrumpy · 30/06/2004 23:40

wickedwaterwitch..when it comes to the crunch he says he wants to stay with dh and myself loves us does not want to live anywhere else and he will change his behaviour...the following day its back to normal though he is trying tonite to be civil he knows we have a family meeting tomorrow....

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Janh · 01/07/2004 00:08

scrumpy, I think the fact that he says he wants to live with you is heartening. Given what has happened to him since he was a baby, and his emotional/psychological heritage from his mother's side, that shows that you and his dad have done very well by him so far.

Of course you want and need to protect your baby from the rows...DSS sounds such an unhappy boy, searching for something, even if he doesn't know what...I hope very much that you can all work through this and end up with a happy solution. There must be someone out there who can help him.

Original poster
scrumpy · 01/07/2004 00:15

thanks janh...he is fine 2nite acting as if nothing happened last nite i have been very easy going 2nite as my dh is at work and I cannot cope with any more rows...I also return to work on Monday which is making me feel awful

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WideWebWitch · 01/07/2004 00:20

I think that's heartening too scrumpy. I'm glad you're having a calm night, I hope it continues. Btw, I just thought, I might have sounded unsympathetic and I don't mean to be (I mean, I'm not) so I'm sorry if my post sounded it. I was also a horrible, hormonal, stroppy 14yo and I do realise it must have been very trying all round.

Original poster
scrumpy · 01/07/2004 00:25

wickedwaterwitch...your post was fine although i am the wicked stepmom dss does not get on very well with dh either sometimes I feel like a referee...he either is having a dig at me or dh usually supports one side although dh and myself have none of this we always show a united front...however dh and dss have got lots of issues which may be root of problem it is a bit of a mess.

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SofiaAmes · 02/07/2004 01:32

scrumpy, it really sounds to me like your ss needs some serious therapy (from real professionals) AND some medication. There was recently another thread on depression and whether it's genetic. There is quite a bit of evidence that depression and mental illness is inheirited. If your ss's mother killed herself, then it seems likely that he may have inheirited some of her problems. I think it's sad how often depression and mental illness are overlooked in this country and how often they go unmedicated. Many (though not all) of these problems are from chemical imbalances due to malfunctioning genes and can be helped with medication. There are some sophisticated medicines (even for children) than can really replace the missing chemicals. If you are not getting the referals through the nhs, it may be worth seeing a professional privately who can prescribe something appropriate. It sounds to me like even if it's a financial stretch, it may be worth it just to save your family. I suspect that if you do find something privately that works, you can eventually get the treatment duplicated on the nhs.
I too have a ss with serious behavioural problems. Unfortunately his mother is still very much alive and the bane of our existance. He lives with her which is the worst part about it for him. She is an awful parent and consistently does the worst thing for him. He has become progressively worse and now at the age of 10, I'm not sure we'll be having him much more as he is close to unmanageable. Good luck, I know how hard it must be.

emma11 · 14/07/2004 11:20

Hi

feel a bit foolish as I posted a new thread, then came across this and I should have read it first, as I am in a very similar situation (see 'Never thought I'd be in this situation' (though sorry it's a bit long and difficult to read)

In case you can't be bothered - briefly, I got remarried last year and my husband's 12 year old son came to live with us, which I didn't expect. I have a 12 year old daughter, and they don't get on. My step son's behaviour isn't as difficult as yours, but he is very hard to cope with, and I worry that he may have a mild form of autism.

If I try to raise this though, my husband says I'm just comparing the two children, and it can spark off a row if I don't back down.

I feel so sorry for you scrumpy, as I know how hard this is, and how alone it makes you feel. Some days, I really have to try so hard not to let his behaviour make me resent him being here. He's only a boy, he needs security and love, but being a step parent is so hard when you're faced with these problems.

He frequently 'forgets' to go to the loo, I have to pick soiled pants and jeans out of the laundry basket. He picks his nose and eats it, he has to be told all the time to use a knife and fork, he won't eat 80% of foods, and then only if they're arranged on the plate in a certain way (not touching), he karate kicks around the house, never comes when you call him for a meal - I know it all sounds petty, but it's this day to day stuff that makes you want to cry.

When his dad asks how our day has been, I have to say ok, as if I tell him things he gets angry that he says I'm always picking on my step son, and is my daughter so perfect? Of course she isn't, she gets pulled up when necessary, but on the basic things like hygiene and manners I don't have to.

Sorry to rant. Much sympathy with scrumpy. Sending you a hug - I know I need one. xx

foxinsocks · 14/07/2004 11:27

emma, I'm sure people will be along later to help you. I'm not a stepparent so I won't even try to give you advice!

I wanted to tell you that there is a special needs board as well with loads of threads on autism so if you wanted to look at that as well it may give you some ideas about whether you stepson has any indicators of autism.

hope someone can help you - for what its worth, you sound wonderful and the fact that you have given up work to be with both the kids to help them through everything is amazing.

Original poster
scrumpy · 14/07/2004 11:29

to emma11
just sending you hugs to I know it gets to you but you seem to be trying really hard to make things work. It does sound if your stepson has problems ie soiling his pants strange eating habits has he ever been assessed for his behavioural problems? My stepson is awaiting further counselling etc though the delay is lengthy, we seem to have got to a bit of a stand off ie we dont talk much and I ignore the little things as much as poss not good for family life...to compound it all i am back at work leaving a baby with dh or childminder and he wont take the bottle! must go as have to go to work much sympathy with you try to remain positive even though I know its hard

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mummytosteven · 14/07/2004 11:33

emma - has dss always been fully toilet trained? Have you taken him to the doctors to rule out any physical causes? does he ever do this outside the house? Has he always been like this over food/knife and fork, or has he got worse since he moved to your house?