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Original poster

Paying towards holiday?

70 replies

WheresEeyoresTail · 06/02/2017 12:12

My DH has been asked by his ex to help pay towards a holiday for her and his two children.
We aren't well off at all I might add.... does this seem a reasonable ask?
Just wanted opinions - I never know what's reasonable and what's not!

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 06/02/2017 12:13

I'd say that's reasonable - unless he is taking them on holiday himself.

fuzzywuzzy · 06/02/2017 12:15

She's asked that not unreasonable.

He can offer whatever you can afford.

OSETmum · 06/02/2017 12:19

If you can afford it maybe consider contributing to the cost of the children's share of the holiday. I'd contribute an amount that you'd expect to pay for a holiday i.e. If your budget is Butlins and her's is Disneyland, she can't expect you to pay half. I definitely wouldn't contribute to her share.

If you're taking the children away yourselves though, I wouldn't contribute to another holiday.

Ftlofg · 06/02/2017 12:20

Its not unreasonable to ask. It would be unreasonable to expect it though. And your dp would not not be unreasonable to decline the offer (I assume he pays his share of maintenance). Personally i would probably say no to paying out for a holiday especially as you have said that you are not well off. If you and dp take children away on holiday, would exdp contribute towards it. Thats your answer.

WannaBe · 06/02/2017 12:20

Does he pay maintenance?

Personally I think it's outrageous and I am an ex.

I think that asking to pay for e.g. School trips (or towards them at least) is fair enough but for their family holiday? It would never occur to me. A holiday is a luxury not a necessity and sad as it is if they can't afford it then it's not on to expect his new family to pay for it.

TheseAreTheGoodOldDays · 06/02/2017 12:33

I agree with WannaBe - if she would like to take them away then great, if she can afford it. But I don't think it's up to your DH to pay for it.

alltouchedout · 06/02/2017 12:35

I think it's reasonable to ask a parent to help fund their children's holiday. Unless DH is already taking them away himself.

Original poster
WheresEeyoresTail · 06/02/2017 12:39

He does pay maintenance yes - he wouldn't dream of not. He's a brill dad so will undoubtedly help out - I'm torn as to what to think. He doesn't take them on holiday, they have their one holiday a year with their mum so this is what's making me think she has a right to want some help

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 06/02/2017 12:44

Personally I think it's outrageous

Why outrageous? Child support is usually paid at minimum levels - not a lot left for extras. The parent would be paying for the holiday if they were still a family unit. Why should all these additional costs fall to the parent with care?

Most men (and it's usually men) I know happily contribute*, I think it's a bit mean not to if it's the only annual family holiday. I think it's different if the parent is taking the child on holiday too.

(*most second partners I know complain endlessly about it!)

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/02/2017 12:50

I agree with WannaBe, huh?!

My DCS mum gets to take the DC on far nice holidays than we do because of the amount DH pays her in maintenance and spousal support so there's not a chance in hell we'd contribute to her holidays.

additiona; costs and I think it's different if the parent is taking the child on holiday too. - can you please explain?

We spend what we can afford on taking them away, she spends what she can afford. She has far more disposable income than we do because of what DH pays.

I can't imagine a scenario in which a NRP isn't taking the DC on holiday but can afford to pay towards the RP doing so. Some of you live in parallel universes.

youokayhun · 06/02/2017 12:51

I wouldn't dream of asking this of my ex!

OutToGetYou · 06/02/2017 13:02

Of course, she can ask, but you can only help if you can afford it.

How about saying he'll give the kids some spending money to help out? (ex dp have his ex £500 to take dss on holiday, she then went on holiday with her dp and left dss with us.......so, if she's at all like that it makes some sense to say you'll pay for something specific, like pocket money, or some tickets to a theme park while they're there).

OllyBJolly · 06/02/2017 13:03

additional costs and I think it's different if the parent is taking the child on holiday too. - can you please explain

Child support is set at a minimal amount which usually doesn't cover the cost of raising the child. On top of this, there are additional costs : new uniforms, sports gear, clubs, school trips as well as family holidays. Unless the NRP is paying a generous amount of support, it's not reasonable to expect standard maintenance to cover these. The DCs parents should discuss and come to an agreement.

Who wants their child to miss out on a family holiday? If the NRP is already taking the DCs on an annual holiday then that's their responsibility discharged imo. And actually, in the people I know, it's the norm for the NRP to contribute to the holiday. Why shouldn't they?

howtodowills · 06/02/2017 13:05

I agree it's outrageous!

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/02/2017 13:06

Since when were holidays in the same league as school uniform?

juneau · 06/02/2017 13:07

Not unreasonable, no, as your DP doesn't take them away himself. However, if he's paying then he should have a say in where the holiday is to and how much it costs! As long as they're agreed on this then he should pay half the cost for the DC.

fuzzywuzzy · 06/02/2017 13:07

I don't think theres anything wrong in asking.

I wouldn't of ex as it's always a pleasant surprise getting any money out of him and I leave it to CSA.

But CSA payments do not touch the sides of bringing up dc.

If they have an amicable relationship and you can afford it I would not hesitate to contribute what I could afford, it is his dc after all who will benefit.

NapQueen · 06/02/2017 13:08

I think it's unreasonable of her to expect or demand but fair on her for asking.

Replying "I'm really sorry, we do not have spare funds for holidays, either for ourselves or for ds, which is why we don't go on them"

rollonthesummer · 06/02/2017 13:09

I wouldn't pay, no. I am surprised he doesn't take them on holiday anywhere himself though?

2014newme · 06/02/2017 13:11

Why doesn't he take them on holiday?

To never go on holiday with your dad isn't very nice, my dad never took me on a single holiday so I speak from experience.

ladydeedy · 06/02/2017 13:57

I think it's completely unreasonable!

And OllyBJolly regarding your comment that child maintenance doesn't meet the cost of raising a child - it is not meant to. It is to contribute TOWARDS the cost with the other resident parent paying too. Don't forget that the RP tends to keep the greater part of any equity whilst the NRP has to find and fund their own home (with enough space/room for their child too).

Evergreen777 · 06/02/2017 14:09

I think it's a bit of a shame he doesn't take them away himself, and would prioritise money for that (even if just a long weekend camping in the UK) before giving money to the ex for her holiday.

But if his reasons for not taking them himself are due to work comittments and not financial, then it might be fair enough to contribute extra to the one holiday they do get.

rollonthesummer · 06/02/2017 14:11

Do you go on holiday, OP?

Sunbeam18 · 06/02/2017 14:25

Ladydeedy the RP is often (though not always, of course) the one who has been left by the NRP. My heart does not bleed for the NRP that they have to find alternative accommodation with space for their own child to visit!

Original poster
WheresEeyoresTail · 06/02/2017 14:49

We rarely do go on holiday - not a big proper one anyway. We have the odd weekend away once a year!

OP posts: