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Step-parenting

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Paying towards holiday?

70 replies

WheresEeyoresTail · 06/02/2017 12:12

My DH has been asked by his ex to help pay towards a holiday for her and his two children.
We aren't well off at all I might add.... does this seem a reasonable ask?
Just wanted opinions - I never know what's reasonable and what's not!

OP posts:
WheresEeyoresTail · 06/02/2017 14:51

She hasn't asked him to pay for the holiday; just asked if he would give some money towards it. Completely unsure how much that is or what she expects. My DH is self employed so doesn't like to take the time off for big holidays hence why he never takes them anywhere; his choice

OP posts:
ChocoChou · 06/02/2017 14:54

It's outrageous but unfortunately it's not unheard of...
my DH pays for his ex's holiday with the kids.. and she likes 5 star everything 🙃🙃

The kids have a great time and that's what counts I guess but it's annoying when there isn't the flexibility for us to have the kids to take away ourselves due to ex making it difficult timewise

reallyanotherone · 06/02/2017 14:56

A holiday isn't a right though. Her decision to take them, of she can't afford it she doesn't go, or rethinks the budget.

Unless you can freely afford it, just say no.

reallyanotherone · 06/02/2017 14:58

Oh and dh's ex asked the family court judge to include "a foreign holiday abroad once a year", dh paying/contributing.

She got laughed at, and it was immediately dismissed.

WannaBe · 06/02/2017 14:59

Holidays are not the same as school uniform/trips etc though.

I would expect my eXH to contribute towards school trips, but if he and his new partner weren't going on holiday themselves then it doesn't make sense to think that he should contribute towards me having a holiday. And I don't think it's fair at all to suggest that it's usually the NRP who is the one who left. Actually it's usually the NRP who is the one who is expected to move out, but that's not the same.

The fact that the couple are divorced/separated means that they are entitled to both move forward with their own lives, meet new partners, in some instances even have more children. If one of those partners is still asking the other to fund her holidays with the potential expectation or knowledge that he is himself going without then that isn't indicative of them living their own individual lives is it?

A holiday is a luxury not a right. There are far more important and fundamental things which parents should be contributing towards before they get to the point of considering contributing towards the ex's holiday.

OdinsLoveChild · 06/02/2017 15:08

Its ok for her to ask. Its also ok for you to say no if you cant afford it.

I (and my 2 children with my dh) went for 8 years without a holiday as DH was paying for his ex and ds (and her husband along with the ex's 2 other children) to go away every year. Hmm

He felt pressured into paying for his son to go because the ex suggested leaving ss behind if we didn't contribute. He didn't want him to miss out so always paid for him to go. Don't put yourself in this kind of situation, I'm still mad about it 15 years later that my children had to miss out on family holidays because we were paying for the ex's family holidays instead.

If you want to contribute and can then do so, alternatively consider paying slightly more in maintenance specifically for a holiday (maybe another £2.50 per week which will give another £130 per year which is around the right amount for a child to tag along with its parent) to cover the cost of a holiday for next year.

OllyBJolly · 06/02/2017 15:14

my DH pays for his ex's holiday with the kids is surely

My DH pays for his children's holiday with their mother I wouldn't expect an XP to pay for the mother, just the children.

I don't disagree with The fact that the couple are divorced/separated means that they are entitled to both move forward with their own lives, meet new partners, in some instances even have more children Adults can move forward, but not to the detriment of any children they have responsibility for.

Chasingsquirrels · 06/02/2017 15:25

I think saying CM is set as a minimum and doesn't cover children's costs is disingenuous.
CM is a percentage of salary, if the NRP has a low salary CM is correspondingly low - not because the child costs less than other children but because that child's family circumstances are such that there is less for them full stop.

CM takes no account of divorce settlements and who received what and who has to fund what, divorce isn't necessarily even a consideration - in the case of ONS, casual relations and also non-married parents.

Some RP's get a significant amount out of divorce and don't have housing costs, get spousal maintenance and significant child maintenance. If this happens then yes, it is usually because the NRP has significant assets and or income and the children should continue to benefit from that.

I don't think that an NRP should contribute to RP & children's family holidays, above the maintenance contributions. Other than perhaps specific contributions to spending money made directly to the children if they chose to do so.

I say that both as -
An RP, receiving standard CM based on my exH's income and little else. He has occasionally brought uniform if it's fallen in his time, and paid the odd club subs. But not half of school trips (which I do think should be shared) and certainly not half of uniform, shoes, coats etc - which I see as the RP's responsibility; and

  • as the wife of a NRP who pays the mortgage on his exW's house with no financial interest in the property, spousal maintenance and significant agreed maintenance in excess of CM which runs until the children leave tertiary education, plus pays an allowance to and various expenses for (phone, netflix, buys clothes, school books, school bus pass etc) his secondary aged child and covers expenses via a monthly allowance for his university aged child. And yes he has contributed to exW & children's joint travel as well.
lousmum · 06/02/2017 15:26

I think if he doesn't take them on holiday then it would be nice for him to contribute towards the cost of them being able to have a nice holiday. Possible split the overall cost of the children's places. So DM pays for herself and a child and DD pays for 1 child and maybe give them both some spending money.

sadandanxious · 06/02/2017 16:03

Absolutely no way! If she wants to take them on holiday she can pay for it! I bet everybody would be outraged if the situation were reversed and he was asking her to contribute! DP wouldn't dream of asking exw to contribute if we chose to take DSD away, that's our choice and therefore our responsibility

swingofthings · 06/02/2017 16:09

Couldn't he take them away for a long week-end himself?

I personally don't think it is reasonable, either she can afford it on her budget or she can't, however, if he rather give her something towards it rather than saving to be able to take them away somewhere himself (maybe to a concert, sport game etc if not a mini break....), then why not.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 06/02/2017 16:10

I think if he doesn't take them on holiday then it would be nice for him to contribute towards the cost of them being able to have a nice holiday

Sorry but I disagree.

A holiday isn't a necessity. If an ex was to contribute, do they also then is it reasonable for then to have a say as you where the holiday is then? After all they are paying towards it.

RacoonBandit · 06/02/2017 17:35

Their dad does not take them on holiday so I don't think her request for a contribution is unreasonable.
If he can't afford it he says so. No drama needed.

WannaBe · 06/02/2017 17:37

And where does that contribution end? They don't live in a four bedroom house at his so perhaps he should contribute to one for them to live with at their mum's? So they can have their own rooms etc?

Maintenance is supposed to be contributing to their upkeep, not completely funding it.

Assuming he pays decent maintenance it's up to her to make her budget work to include holidays, or not, as the case appears to be here.

And what happens if the NRP has children of his own with a new partner who also don't get to go on holiday? Is it fair that they go without while he contributes to their siblings' holiday with their mum?

StarsAndStripes17 · 06/02/2017 17:43

I'm with Piglet and the others. A holiday isn't a necessity or a right and is a luxury only.
The mum should pay for whatever her budget allows.
People saying that it is for the child's benefit and that the child will have a nice holiday- So does that mean that when the nrp wants to book a holiday they can ask the rp to contribute? After all it is for the child's benefit isn't it.
Also, what if the nrp has other children (eg with their partner) who they can't afford to take on holiday as well as their child with their ex? How is it then then reasonable to pay for one child to go on holiday, and the others not?

I don't know. To me it just seems a bit grabby to even ask, as it shows that the person asking thinks it could happen. It wouldn't even cross my mind to ask!

Maybe83 · 06/02/2017 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iloveantiques · 06/02/2017 18:01

As a newly separated RP, my ex is paying the child maintenance figure from the CMS calculator.

I've asked him for extra for a school trip that we were in the middle of paying when we separated but I wouldn't dream of asking for a contribution towards a family holiday.

I haven't yet worked out whether the CMS figure properly reflects a fair share of the cost of our child who does lots of extra curricular activities but I'm sucking it up for the moment, while my budget allows.

Evergreen777 · 06/02/2017 18:11

My ex has also volunteered a little cash towards a holiday, in the days when I could only just afford it, and he couldn't afford to take them anywhere at all. It was a nice gesture and I appreciated it. I have more money than him now, so sometimes give the kids a little spending money if he does take them anywhere.

I don't think it's cheaky of her to ask, especially if your DP is working all summer and it's the only holiday they'll have. And it's polite of her not to have suggested an amount - that's making it clear it's not a demand, but entirely up to him.

I'd let your DP decide for himself what to offer OP. But if he wants your view then suggest something like £100, if that's affordable, which could help them have a good holiday but isn't going to feel like you've entirely funded it. Summer holidays are expensive with kids, if you have sole responsibility for weekday childcare (and sounds like she does, because of your DP's work), whether or not you take them away. So it would be nice to recognise that financially

ChocoChou · 06/02/2017 18:32

OllyBJolly in our case it really is that my DH pays for the whole holiday. She doesn't work and due to his work he can't have holiday time at the same time as the children so he sees it as part of his duty to provide a holiday for them. As a step parent I stay out of it, unless it would have a huge negative impact on our finances, so far its doable!

WheresEeyoresTail · 06/02/2017 20:01

Thanks for opinions ladies. It's something I'm going to have to suck up either way anyway! He will do as he wishes which is fair enough, his money!

OP posts:
Happydappy99 · 06/02/2017 20:26

My ex normally contributes a bit towards mine and the children's summer holiday (a week camping so not exactly extravagant). He has a higher disposable income than me and likes to help with things for the kids if he can.

I wouldn't expect though and always budget according to what I can afford on my own.

badgerread · 06/02/2017 21:56

My ExH pays the minimum maintenance (after taking his pension contributions off) and I have to pay EVERYTHING out of that. Uniform, school fees (eldest on a bursary) , clubs, clothes, school trips, parties, holidays, everything. If I had to ask my ex to contribute to a holiday he would laugh in my face. So although it sounds lovely suggesting to come to a mutual agreement with your ex for, 'extras', that is not always the case and I don't know any other divorced parents who have that arrangement. Whoever is taking them pays.

In my divorce I didn't walk away with the majority of the equity either....

user1486334704 · 06/02/2017 22:37

I've only been a member of this site for one day and already I'm stunned at the number of 'entitled' individuals on here.

If the NRP is paying maintenance at the rate suggested by the CMS, then that amount is a percentage of their income - and therefore PROPORTIONATE.

'extras' may include school trips, uniform etc as APPROPRIATE to the children's needs and indeed the RP's position.

My DH pays £700 per month, and has EOW overnights for his 14 and 9 year old.

The children's mother also earns in excess of £50k per year.

Is anyone seriously saying that £700 is 'bare minimum'? If so you live in a fantasy land. The child's mother has readily admitted that aside from food, the £700 more than covers everything. But she still then goes on to demand more money.

Funnily enough, her demands for cash are exacerbated when she sees DH or I in a new car or going on holiday. She is comfortably off in her own right and DH more than provides for his children.

TheHobbitMum · 06/02/2017 22:41

I also think it's outrageous! If she can't afford a holiday then she shouldn't go. If your not going away with the kids then you shouldn't be paying her too. As long as your paying your child maintenance she needs to budget from that. My offer at the most would be to give the children some holiday spending money.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 06/02/2017 23:03

I haven't yet worked out whether the CMS figure properly reflects a fair share of the cost of our child who does lots of extra curricular activities

They don't have your pay any more, whether you think it is 'fair' or not.

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