Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Paying towards holiday?

70 replies

WheresEeyoresTail · 06/02/2017 12:12

My DH has been asked by his ex to help pay towards a holiday for her and his two children.
We aren't well off at all I might add.... does this seem a reasonable ask?
Just wanted opinions - I never know what's reasonable and what's not!

OP posts:

OllyBJolly · 07/02/2017 07:44

My DH pays £700 per month, and has EOW overnights for his 14 and 9 year old

If that's a percentage he earns a decent salary so will have a lot of spends for himself - especially as he is only seeing HIS children 2 or 3 times each month (really? - is that correct?). What the mother earns is irrelevant - the father has a responsibility to contribute to their child's upbringing.

Does your DH take his children on holiday with him?

reallyanotherone · 07/02/2017 07:54

I haven't yet worked out whether the CMS figure properly reflects a fair share of the cost of our child who does lots of extra curricular activities

The extra curricular activities don't factor in. Cms is for basic needs, heat, light, food, clothes etc.

If you want your child to have non essential luxuries like music lessons, that's your decision.

We had the opposite where dh and his dc wanted to do music lessons at school. He paid a term in advance, then his ex decided she didn't want them to do it, so they didn't.

user1486334704 · 07/02/2017 08:22

OllyBJolly - yes every other weekend- a very common arrangement.(?) Brought about by the fact that the children's mother harassed DH and I so intensely over such a long period that the police have charged her with harassment. So DH (reluctantly but in the interests of reducing conflict) reduced residency to simply have less contact with her.

Additionally, the children's mother ended the their marriage by having an affair. (Not relevant to CS but relevant before anyone accuses me of being the OW)

what the mother earns is by no means 'irrelevant' - if she was unemployed or a low earner DH would pick up more of her shortfall. So many on here believe that the NRP should be paying for a majority of costs - leaving the RP paying what precisely?

user1486334704 · 07/02/2017 08:24

....and yes, WE take the children on holiday every summer. Should we ask their Mum to contribute?

MixedGrill · 07/02/2017 08:34

I would expect to take SDC with us on a family holiday (if we could afford to do such a thing) and pay, so if your DH is declining to take holiday time to spend with them, or take them away, it sounds perfectly reasonable for him to contribute to a holiday for them in a different way.

sunnysidesucks · 07/02/2017 11:39

I receive maintenance, and I would never dream of asking my ex to pay for my holiday with the kids. If I choose to go on holiday, surely that is if I can afford it, and not for him to fund?

Perhaps I should try asking ;) !!!

badgerread · 07/02/2017 11:57

£700?! I should be so lucky...

user1486334704 · 07/02/2017 12:23

....also for context. DH's children do not take part in any expensive hobbies at all, they attend state school (no fees) and they are dressed by their mother in 'normal' clothes, i.e. supermarket, Marks & Spencer, Next etc. No ponies(!) No cello lessons(!) No head to toe designer clothes.....They have no significant outgoings pertaining to them that would make any reasonable person believe that £700 pcm is not over and above catering for their every need with little or no financial contribution from their mother.

So no, if their mother asked for money to take them on holiday, DH would laugh in her face.

Everything is 'relative' - yes DH is a high earner. But so is their mother. And its clear only a small proportion if any of her income goes on her kids as DH's CM covers it.

And before I get blasted on here.... their mother has even sent a breakdown of their monthly outgoings (minus food) which totals £450. DH gives her £700.....

She sent the breakdown when she said she wanted extra money to put away for their daughters wedding fund.... hahahaha

Sunbeam18 · 07/02/2017 13:55

Shouldn't maintenance' also cover the most obvious basics that the RP pays - accommodation, heat and light, access to a car and fuel, savings for their future education etc?? Not just food and clothing.

Sunbeam18 · 07/02/2017 14:03

Contribute to, I mean, not pay.

user1486334704 · 07/02/2017 14:26

... which is my point. In our case, £450 covers all clothes, uniform expenses etc (and all the savings for further education) so it's hardly unreasonable that the further £250 more than 'contributes' to the mothers household utilities.

Conscious we're drifting from the point - the point being it is exceptionally 'hard faced' and grabby for a RP to ask for holiday payments if the NRP is a) paying CM of a proportionate amount and b) takes the child(ren) in question on holiday themselves, simply shrieks of entitlement

mrsaxlerose · 07/02/2017 14:44

I would says it reasonable that he pays half of the children's expenses but NOT half of the holiday. Don't see why he should pay half so his ex wife can go. If he is taking them on holiday then he should not pay anything towards a holiday with their mum . simple

StarsAndStripes17 · 07/02/2017 16:12

mrs Even if he isn't taking them on holiday himself, I don't think he should pay towards his ex's holiday with the children. If neither parent can afford a holiday then both parents need to accept that and move on/save up. Plenty of children go without a holiday yearly.

swingofthings · 07/02/2017 17:48

User, you are making this much too personal. Such question about whether it could be deem appropriate for a nrp to pay towards a holiday for his children to take with the pwc is much more likely to be of consideration when the pwc couldn't afford a holiday with the children without it and the nrp can't for reasons as stated (can't take school holiday) can't take the kids away.

It becomes a question of whether it is right that the nrp pays so his kids get to enjoy to go away for a few days.

In the case of OP, it sounds like her OH WANTS to pay, and wants to do because otherwise, the children wouldn't be able to have a holiday. In the end, it is up to him and a very kind gesture towards his children. The fact that his ex will benefit from him is irrelevant. OP seems very reasonable too since her response is that in the end, it is his money and he can do what he wants with it, so a winner all around.

user1486334704 · 07/02/2017 18:02

As I stated above,'conscious' that the thread as a whole (not just me) was drifting away from the matter in hand which is the ludicrous suggestion that a CS paying NR parent should in any way be expected to contribute toward a holiday for his ex wife. School trips, extra curricular activity/sports trips yes potentially. But here's a few hundred for you to enjoy yourself in Costa Del Craphole? I think not.

Swingofthings I find your terminology interesting when you refer to 'his money'. It's common in most marriages and relationships for income to be regarded as 'ours' or at least significant expenditure discussed as a couple. Interesting that a lot of posters on here believe that they have a say in how their EX husband/partner spends or saves their income, yet believes that the EX husbands/partners wife has little or no say? Very odd. Doesn't happen in my home that's for certain!

OllyBJolly · 07/02/2017 18:23

Don't think anyone has suggested that an ExH pays for his ExW holiday, User - it's all about contributing to the children's holiday.

And having been a single parent for many years, a holiday on your own with 2 young DCs is not a humongous amount of fun for the parent!

user1486334704 · 07/02/2017 18:36

A very fair point and it must be hard work. But equally so, using 'household money' to contribute toward a holiday for your ex wife/partner and children (in whatever proportions) - potentially to the detriment of DH's other child/children if cost is an issue and money for holidays/leisure will only go so far. No.

user1486334704 · 07/02/2017 18:40

My husband's ex wife got so bitter, abusive and jealous about our 'four holidays a year' (when we were dating, before we moved in together - I have a well paying job and I paid for all our holidays).

She actually said I 'should pay' for her children to go on expensive holidays too. Entitled much?

Starlight2345 · 07/02/2017 19:02

Strangely USER148 you can only see your point of view. I receive £5 a week so pays for exactly half my DS's dinner money and nothing more. You are using a £700 figure .

OP 's husband does not want to go on holiday, we have no idea how much maintenance he pays, how much RP earns. Have the children gone on holiday before , is it a trip to Butlins or on a plane.

OP has said they can afford it. So in reality hard to answer how reasonable it was.

Original poster

WheresEeyoresTail · 08/02/2017 10:51

Starlight; I have no idea exactly how much RP earns but I know it isn't much and definitely not as much as DH earns. This is a big special holiday which is why I think she's asked for a contribution; to be fair to her she didn't ask in a way which suggested she expected it either.
I just thought it was a bit cheeky but to be honest as he doesn't take them away himself then why shouldn't he help out so they can have a nice holiday.....

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread