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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Inheritance arrangements between your DC and SDC

81 replies

misnoma · 29/01/2017 11:19

Hello.

I'm new to these boards but hope you can help.

What is your set-up in regards to inheritance between children when there are children from previous relationship involved?

DP and I are currently writing up a will as we are unmarried and I'm 13 weeks pregnant. He has a son from a marriage who is now 13. DP and his exW divorced when their son was 2. She walked away with a huge payout and mortgage free house. DP pays large amount of child maintenance each month plus his private school fees. So his son is very well looked after and I assume his mother will pass down her house (which DP paid for) to him when she eventually passes. ExW is remarried and assume they'll have other cash and assets to pass down.

I don't want to have children with DP and then our inheritance split equally among them as DSS will have two lots of inheritance, making it an unequal outcome. If I sound like a bitter cow then fine. If you're in the same boat, how have you dealt with inheritance issues?

OP posts:

swingofthings · 30/01/2017 17:41

I don't want to have children with DP and then our inheritance split equally among them as DSS will have two lots of inheritance, making it an unequal outcome.
There is no equal outcome when it comes to step-families. Yes, your SS COULD end up financially better off than your DS, however, your DS most likely will benefit from growing up in a family where he will get to see his mum and dad every day. Don't start by already considering all the things your SS will benefit from, ignoring what he had to give up through no fault of his.

Some things are priceless.

Evergreen777 · 30/01/2017 17:47

swing Are your really suggesting that children whose parents are divorced should be given extra guiltmoney in wills to compensate for the suffering of the divorce ?

As you say yourself, some things don't have a price tag. Maybe those children went on to have a wonderful life, with amicable parents caring step parents, interesting step siblings, and who knows what? But if they didn't, I can't see how getting twice the inheritance of their half siblings would make it all OK.

TheSmurfsAreHere · 30/01/2017 17:56

What I don't see in your plans is what is left to you if your DP dies before you.
It's very nice to plan for the dcs but if you are left with nothing (e.g. Only half of the house so you would need to pay your dss?, your own DC? Something to be able to stay in the family house) you will have some issue.
Esp if this happens when the dcs are still little.

DisneyMillie · 30/01/2017 18:29

I think it probably makes a difference if you're RP or NRP and age of children when you got into the relationship. My dh and I have a dd together and I also have a dd from previous marriage who lives with us 99% of the time and who my dh met when she was 3. Her dad is very well off but I wouldn't like to assume he'll leave her money as he has a second family too.

Our opinion is WE treat the children in our household equally - so we're splitting all monies between them. I'd be upset if Dh wanted to only leave his half to our joint child and he totally agrees - His opinion is how awful would it be for her to feel less loved than her sister by him when he's effectively bringing her up (exh has her every other weekend or so for one night)

howtodowills · 30/01/2017 20:23

disney your situation is very different to many stepmums though.
I see my SDs every other wkend and once in the week. I do A LOT for them and have contributed to their upbringing in many ways and in the household pot which me and DP both put into.

however I want what I came into the relationship with (property wise) to be split between my bio kids. If I die and they look at that and think it means they were worth less then I'll definitely be glad I did it that way!

howtodowills · 30/01/2017 20:24

By that I mean that if they felt entitled to what I'd had before I met them (in my mid 30s) then I'd find that very greedy.

DisneyMillie · 30/01/2017 21:41

We were mid thirties when we met and dh had property before he met me - he's still split that between his bio dd and mine too. And I'd still be a bit hurt for my dd if he didn't want to (he totally does - I'm not coercing him)

I don't see the difference between him and a step mum except that we all live together most of the time (which I accept makes a big difference)

howtodowills · 30/01/2017 21:46

That's exactly the difference

howtodowills · 30/01/2017 21:48

I sort of wish I felt like your DP daisy... it seems far more noble. But I don't.

Kennington · 30/01/2017 21:52

The fairest way is to split the inheritance equally. So a 50-50 split. It doesn't matter if your step child inherits twice. That's life.
There are lots of great functioning step families but reading some of these threads is depressing.

gillybeanz · 30/01/2017 21:55

I think they should all get the same.
The saying used to be you take on the man/woman and their child/ren too.
This shouldn't change when inheritance is involved.

The argument of the step children automatically inheriting from the other parent isn't always true.
What if the other parent has nothing to leave?
All money and assets to be split equally is the only fair way.

howtodowills · 30/01/2017 21:56

Funny then that that's not the most popular way of doing things...

howtodowills · 30/01/2017 21:57

No way would I give away what I've worked hard for all my life to someone who makes my life hell.

howtodowills · 30/01/2017 21:57

I'm sure I'll get flamed for that but it's the truth

gillybeanz · 30/01/2017 21:59

Oh and I believe in some cases like my dh guilt money should be given.
His parents absolutely shit on him from a great height from being a small child.
His childhood was unimaginable from todays standards and authorities would be involved if it was happening today.
some people are greatly affected by divorce and what leads to it.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 30/01/2017 22:00

Well that's a different issue entirely isn't it howtodowills! Got nothing to do with this thread. Why don't you start a separate one?

swingofthings · 31/01/2017 06:07

swing Are your really suggesting that children whose parents are divorced should be given extra guiltmoney in wills to compensate for the suffering of the divorce ?
Guilt money? For thinking it right that you should share your inheritance equally between your children regardless of external factors. Sounds to me that what OP is suggesting is exactly the opposite, leaving more to her own child out of guilt because the other child might get more money?

My point is that because you cannot make decisions on the principle of making things equal for your children because you can't make everything equal because you don't have control of everything that your child receives in life. So on this basis, it makes sense to divide equally what you can yourself do for your children.

I have half siblings on both sides of my parents. I really couldn't care less what they will leave in inheritance, but as it is, my sister on my dad's side is due to inherit quite a fortune from her father's side (only child). Do I think that my dad and step-mum should therefore leave their property to me only. No I don't and I won't resent my sister in any way because she will get more from her own father who I have nothing to do with.

AyeAmarok · 31/01/2017 06:36

Are you partly so bitter about his ex-wife getting the house ("that he paid for", hmm) in the divorce because you and he aren't married and you feel insecure/jealous about that?

IMO, your half/assets go to your child, his go equally to his children.

You can't try and predict a future outcome and even it up. Too much WILL change in the hopefully 40-50 years before there is any inheritance.

CocoLoco87 · 31/01/2017 06:52

How often do you see your stepson? I agree with PP that you can't always predict the future. If his mother squanders his inheritance from her or she has more children so he gets less, it seems unfair on him. You don't appear to view him as part of your family really.

My mum and DSF will split everything equally between the 4 children. My step-siblings are more likely to inherit also from their mother whereas my DF has no assets at all to pass on. I'm not bitter about that. DM and DSF love us and all the GC equally as if we were all their own. I think it's a lovely way to be. If I end up with less inheritance because of it, well....Thank goodness I married a rich DH

Garnethair · 31/01/2017 07:26

I think you have to make a will and update it regularly over the years. Situations and needs change as the decades go on.

Oswin · 31/01/2017 21:25

My parents each had two dc when they met, they then had me.

They will split the inheritance five ways each having an equal share.
If when my parents died I found out I had 2/6ths while my siblings had 1/6th I would think less of them and feel like a bit of a cunt.

For me it's not about the money it's what it represents.
We are a family no matter who lives where.

cappy123 · 01/02/2017 13:48

An unpopular view maybe but I think if you're the adult child, better to assume you'll get nothing, then be surprised. I can categorically say I'd leave dsd her share if anything happened to her dad. So sure that we arranged our wills with trusts and life interests, so it wasn't just talk. And if you're the parents making the wills, sit down and explain everything to affected family at the time of making the wills. Even then wills can always be open to challenge. My grandma's (who has dementia) affairs have been handled really badly by one of her children to that person's advantage. My mum and other siblings have come to terms with knowing its she's been influenced and they'll get nothing.

lalalalyra · 01/02/2017 14:43

My will splits everything equally between all 6 children - 5 biologically mine and 1 Dss. DH's splits everything between all 6 - 4 biologically his and 2 steps. We decided to discount anything that happened outside of our house as irrelevant and focus only on our home and our family.

tallpoppies · 06/03/2017 02:29

Lalalyra - I understand that you are doing this to be fair but you are both effectively cutting each other out of the will? What happens if you need to sell the house to downsize or one or more of the children decided they wanted to sell? I know you can specify a life entitlement to live in a property but you don't know what life can throw at you or when you might need money?

tallpoppies · 06/03/2017 02:35

Neither me or dh have made wills yet - I keep putting it off like an ostrich because it's a potential minefield! My dh would want mirror wills to leave it to each other and trust the fact that the surviving parent would do right by all of the children. My problem is that I know that I would do this but don't necessarily trust him to do the same, especially if he were to remarry!

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