Inheritance arrangements between your DC and SDC

[misnoma]

Hello.

I'm new to these boards but hope you can help.

What is your set-up in regards to inheritance between children when there are children from previous relationship involved?

DP and I are currently writing up a will as we are unmarried and I'm 13 weeks pregnant. He has a son from a marriage who is now 13. DP and his exW divorced when their son was 2. She walked away with a huge payout and mortgage free house. DP pays large amount of child maintenance each month plus his private school fees. So his son is very well looked after and I assume his mother will pass down her house (which DP paid for) to him when she eventually passes. ExW is remarried and assume they'll have other cash and assets to pass down.

I don't want to have children with DP and then our inheritance split equally among them as DSS will have two lots of inheritance, making it an unequal outcome. If I sound like a bitter cow then fine. If you're in the same boat, how have you dealt with inheritance issues?

DP pays large amount of child maintenance each month plus his private school fees. So his son is very well looked after and I assume his mother will pass down her house (which DP paid for) to him when she eventually passes

Child maintenance is not paid in lieu of inheritance. Would you really be happy to be with a man who didn't support his children in the here and now?

As for the bitterness regarding the house etc. It certainly sounds like your partner is a high earner. Do you think it is only his ex's obligation to house their child? Unfortunately when relationships breakdown, there can be what is deemed an unfair split of assets. However, if it's been signed off by a court, the chances are it was legally fair. You can't spend the rest of your life letting this bother you. Build your life and be grateful for what you do have, not what you don't.

I'm due to inherit off my dp enough for a deposit. When discussing how out asserts would be left to our three DC eldest from a previous relationship he said three ways of course I knew then I made the right choice marrying him..

@Evergreen777 yes sorry forgot to mention that in DPs current life insurance policy it pays out for all his obligations to his ExW and school fees etc so separate of a will I think

In that case there'd be a good argument for him leaving more or less everything to you, to bring up his child with.

It'll be different 20 years from now when both children are grown up. Then it would be fair for him to leave his money 50-50 between his DC, whilst you leave yours to your own DC. Because, as you say, the DSC inherits from their mum too.

Some harsh comments here. Nobody owes their assets to anyone or anything after they die - it's not a right! If parents wish to bequeath their assets to the child(ren) they have together, that's permissable and reasonable.

But if they split and gain new partners, whether or not they have new kids with them, in many cases it will not be reasonable for the children to also inherit from the step parents (potentially 2 additional people). The step parents may be worse off, may have already significantly contributed financially to the family, may also have their own children to think of, or other people or causes they want to bequeath to (as is their or anyone's else's right) or their DSCs may already be well provided for in other wills. In some cases of course couples will split everything equally between the DCs and DSCs. Stepfamilies are the most complex and varied type of families - one size doesn't fit all. And inheritance arrangements don't necessarily reflect a lack of love - that's a bit of a leap.

My PILs have two children (DH and SIL), but my FIL has 3 kids from a 1st marriage. PILs have told us openly that everything is going to the later 2 kids. On the face of it I think that's really unfair, but I quite rightly don't know the facts so can only assume they're doing what's best for their circumstances.

As for my parents I have no idea if they will leave my brother and I anything. And I say parents meaning stepdad and mum. It's their money, they worked hard for it, would not matter to me if they intend to spend everything. Same goes for my dad.

In our case DH's share will go to me and DSD, and mine to DH and my nieces until our own kids come along. DSD will also be provided for by her mum and possibly grandparents.

OP, if you're buying property, do so as tenants in common if you're looking to pass each of your shares to your children as you describe. Also many posters have used MNetter mumblechum who's a lawyer and will writer (with a paid for ad on MN) specialising in this and familiar with stepfamilies. Might be worth contacting her. Good luck.

Also just remember that unless you've set up your wills as you describe and as tenants in common, if the worst happens and you split and your DP marries someone else, your children could potentially be disinherited as remarriage revokes existing wills. Same goes for him, if you remarried his existing child could be disinherited. So sometimes in stepfamilies, contrary to some opinions, setting up the wills in this way could be the safest and most loving thing to do.

OP I had this same dilemma... (see my username)

My solicitor said it was "normal" to split everything equally between all kids of the couple or to split his between his kids and hers between her kids. (With the latter more common). We went for the latter which I was comfortable with.

Do you think you will get married? Make sure you are protected incase something happens and you have given work up to care for your DC together.

What if his ex wife re-marries and has another child, or married someone else with dc/sdc? Your SDC could lose a share of his mums house to a new child / step child.

My father left my mum when I was 10 and my older brother 15. They sold the large expensive family home and my mum downsized to a much smaller property.

A few years later he married a much younger woman and had 3 more children.

He died 5 years ago. He left quite a large estate plus very generous pensions.

He has left everything to his wife, she will leave everything to their 3 children.

Me and my older brother have been "written out". My step mother told me it was because we would inherit from our mother. Well, we will, if she doesn't have to fund her own care. However the value of the house she leaves will be about a quarter of what my father's house is worth. Like most women she was left in semi-poverty after the divorce.

I can't tell you what that has done to my memory of my father, my relationship with my step mother and my relationship with my half siblings.

That's really sad bibbity :(

But there's a world of difference surely between your dad not leaving you money and his new DW not leaving you hers? If your dad had split his assets 5 ways, and his DW had left just her share to her 3 DC, that would have been fair enough surely?

Ella - yes, the DSC would lose out in that situation, just as any child who aquires a new sibling. They'd still get 50% of their mum's inheritiance though, you'd assume, along with 50% of their dad's - so the child gets a total of 50% of each parent's assets, which seems fair enough as they have one sibling on each side to share it with and each of their parents have two children.

My Dsis had this issue. She has 1 child (child a) from a previous relationship and he DH has 3 (child b,c and d). They also have 1 between them (child e).

Child a and child e will get a 50% of my sisters half of the estate, so 25% of total.

Child b,c,d and e will get 25% each of my DBIL share of the estate, so 12.5% of total.

Child E gets a share of both parents estate as the other children will inherit from there other parents iyswim.

DSis also had it written into the will that if they both die before child E is 18 (the youngest), all money will be held in trust by me and our DBro and used to pay for the upbringing of the kids. Then the money left will be split as above.

But my dad died much sooner than his wife. She will probably live another 20 years. She's only 10 years older than my brother! So I don't know how they would have done a split like that in his will?

"Then it would be fair for him to leave his money 50-50 between his DC, whilst you leave yours to your own DC. Because, as you say, the DSC inherits from their mum too."

But, as poster below has just reminded, dsc may not inherit anything from his mum at all. A good rule is that no one has ever inherited until they have actually inherited - wills can change right up until the last minute! So whatever you decide to do with a will, don't do it on the basis that anyone will definitely inherit from someone else.

bibbity - I don't know how your stepmum can reconcile that with herself.
If everything of DPs was left to me of course I would make sure my stepkids were passed on some of it when I went.

(Not sure about your comment that most women are left in semi poverty after divorce though! )

bibbity - I think that is a real problem - people like to think of leaving it all to their children - and you can be brilliantly fair about this, like bluebell illustrates. But the surviving spouse may also need something to enable them to remain in the joint home, to support any children who are still young, etc.

If you're reasonably old though you can leave your OH an interest in possession, which allows them to remain the house for the rest of their life, but then the house (or your share of it) is divided according to your wishes. The other option, I guess, would be to trust your surviviing spouse to leave the house to any joint children, and leave your older kids your other assets - that would work if you had substantial assets other than your joint home. But not if you don't.

I don't think it's fair at all to consider that men to consider that money given to their ex wife t the time of a divorce is in any way a substitute for inheritance for the kids from their "first" family. It's not the kids' money at all - it belongs to the ex-wife. She may leave some of it to the kids - but that's her money, not his - just because he may have earned it in the first place (whilst she cared for the kids....), doesn't allow the man to say "oh well, I've paid off that lot already, the rest goes to the new family" Certainly not once they're all grown up.

Ops DSC may not inherit from their mum but that's not OPs problem.

Just as I wouldn't expect EXh's new DP to provide for my kids.

In stepfamilies things will never be equal. It's hard but it's the way it is.
Me and EXH have put a lot into our careers so our DS will do ok.

DPs exw was never "bothered about money" so never went for promotions etc preferring less stress at work. Why should I fund that choice of hers by providing for her kids in my will?

"Ops DSC may not inherit from their mum but that's not OPs problem."

No I think the point is more that whatever reasoning a willmaker is using for whatever decision s/he makes, it isn't a good idea to take into account that dsc will inherit from their other parent. Or that anyone will inherit from anyone, in fact, because you can never rely on it! In fact, from mn it seems not that uncommon for a dparent to leave everything to his or her new spouse - and then there is no guarantee at all that dc will get anything.

A pp said one option (apart from a life interest in possession) might be to trust your dh/dw to leave assets to dc in turn. The problem though is that even if you do trust your dh/dw, you can't assume that they won't remarry and then new spouse have a dependency claim. (Or go bankrupt, which may be statistically less likely) In fact you quite often can't be sure they won't have more dc.

All very complicated, to be sure.

Alright some women (who have mainly been sahms) and from a time when divorce was less common.

Saying it is not the op's problem is the same as saying that it is not a step parent's problem to consider their spouse's loved ones when they die. Technically maybe not, morally you'd have to be hard as nails.

Can I ask those who have the step child living with them, does that make any difference to how wills are split? Would you still disregard them out of your split of the will?

@bibbitybobbityyhat

I had a similar situation.

My Dad didn't leave everything to stepmum, though she was left comfortable. What my Dad did was take db and I of an insurance policy he had and replaced us with his wife's son (dads step son).

Everything about the whole thing has hurt me a lot and has took some getting over, it's so hard to to talk about without sounding like I wanted money, when inreallybreallybdknt want a penny, it's that my Dad decided when I was 8 or so, that we didn't looking after if he died, but that his stepson did, he was happy to leave my mother, who who left with nothing and he walk as slagged off and saying she wasn't fit to be a mum (she's fucking brilliant)

To make it even shitter, it was blurted out in argument by step brother three years after Dad died, to deliberately hurt my us. Stepmother said its wasn't her fault Dad didn't love us, that she did her best to force him to pick us up for contact but he was tired and needed to unwind on a weekend. I'd already cut contact with them years before the revelation but it still hurt.

Memories of my Dad were mostly shit anyway, but that tainted the very few good ones I had. It's not the money,it's what it represents. I'd can say hand in heart, I'd burn any money if the tried to give me any now.
I'm happier than them and that's priceless, stepbrother blew all of his £20k on a wedding that's now ended in divorce and still harasses us in the early hours of the morning leaving drunken messages calling our Mum a slag and loads of other shit. Stepmum similar.

splitting equally between all DC, or splitting each of you shares between your own biological DC are both fine imo, but I don't think child support, or what they may or may not inherit from another parent or other family members are relevant, and shouldn't be a reason to reduce their share from their Dad.

If your ds wasn't going to inherit anything from his Mum for eg, would you be happy with your dh saying to give him the bigger share as he's only inheriting from parent and not two like your joint child?

We don't have -anything- much to leave each other, but if dh goes first, I'll be making sure my dss gets his share, I couldn't take it off him and give to our joint dd only, I'd not be able to sleep at night. I have no idea if he'll inherit anything from his mum, I don't know her financial setup tbh but even she'd was leaving him millions, I'd still give stepson his shared rom his Dad.

My grandfather had 4 children by 2 wives (first marriage ended in divorce). He and his second wife chose to divide the bulk of their estate equally between the 4. This was generous given that my dad had inherited (a much smaller amount) from his mum (first wife) too. My grandfather outlived both wives, but I know that his second wife's will had the same split. However that generosity has helped minimise ill feeling, or feeling that some children were worth more than others - it's not really the money, it's what it represents that causes so many disagreements.

My sister will leave her money to her biological children. Her husband will leave his money split between the kids he has with sister and his kids from a previous marriage.

My sister brought her own assets into the marriage and I guess doesn't want to leave them to children who aren't hers. Her step children were older teenagers when they got together so it's not as if they've ever been overly close I guess.

Also those step children have their own mother who has assets which will be left just to them.

Exactly, it's what it represents.