Hi there.
I don't know if this is in the right area, but any step-parents whose partners have difficult exes might be able to relate. I have been with my partner for 3 years and he has his 7-year-old daughter every week Friday-Monday. I get on brilliantly with her and life is pretty great.
However, over time, OH and I have noticed that SD's situation at her mum's is getting worse and worse. She isn't turning up at school a lot of the time without explanation, she's not doing her homework, she's bottom of the class by a long way, she's not being told to go to bed or eat anything remotely healthy, she's being passed around constantly during the week including overnight, she's not being made to wash or brush her teeth consistently, she's being left in slightly worrying situations (very for a parent but not compared to some of the horrors you hear of), she isn't being properly supervised, and she is notably anxious, teary, and knackered when she talks about home / gets to ours on a Friday.
OH is amazing with her, and he looks after her and does as much as he can for her. There is no official arrangement for where she stays, but OH's record shows he hasn't missed his time ever since she was born and always asks for extra whenever he can. The only time he didn't see her was when his ex refused to let him see his daughter on two occasions (when I came on the scene).
His relationship with his ex is civil, but from things his daughter has said, she obviously badmouths him around their daughter, causing more stress and worry. OH would never say a bad word about her mother when SD could overhear - he is always very positive about her. However, the reality is she is stubborn, lazy, and is severely letting her daughter down. Any attempt to suggest that she might take her daughter to school is met with screaming and threats. The school is aware of the situation and teachers are very concerned for SD's education.
Here's the catch - OH would love to switch the contact time around so he can be sure his daughter is at least getting the care she needs during the time she has school. Ideally, he'd get her to a better school in a nicer area and he would be the primary caregiver. He would never want to cut SD's mother out of her life - he only wants the best for her. However, he doesn't have the money to take anything to court right now, his ex would never be up for having a reasonable discussion about the situation, even at mediation, and at the end of the day, the situation doesn't seem severe enough for anyone to forcibly make any changes.
OH is going to have a consultation with a family lawyer next week to discuss his options, but it's making him miserable and frankly it doesn't seem like anything would change anyway. Does anyone have any suggestions or can anyone point me in the right direction for information on this sort of things? We're desperate. Thanks.