DP's Ex is neglecting their daughter. Help!

[Jett99]

Hi there.
I don't know if this is in the right area, but any step-parents whose partners have difficult exes might be able to relate. I have been with my partner for 3 years and he has his 7-year-old daughter every week Friday-Monday. I get on brilliantly with her and life is pretty great.
However, over time, OH and I have noticed that SD's situation at her mum's is getting worse and worse. She isn't turning up at school a lot of the time without explanation, she's not doing her homework, she's bottom of the class by a long way, she's not being told to go to bed or eat anything remotely healthy, she's being passed around constantly during the week including overnight, she's not being made to wash or brush her teeth consistently, she's being left in slightly worrying situations (very for a parent but not compared to some of the horrors you hear of), she isn't being properly supervised, and she is notably anxious, teary, and knackered when she talks about home / gets to ours on a Friday.
OH is amazing with her, and he looks after her and does as much as he can for her. There is no official arrangement for where she stays, but OH's record shows he hasn't missed his time ever since she was born and always asks for extra whenever he can. The only time he didn't see her was when his ex refused to let him see his daughter on two occasions (when I came on the scene).
His relationship with his ex is civil, but from things his daughter has said, she obviously badmouths him around their daughter, causing more stress and worry. OH would never say a bad word about her mother when SD could overhear - he is always very positive about her. However, the reality is she is stubborn, lazy, and is severely letting her daughter down. Any attempt to suggest that she might take her daughter to school is met with screaming and threats. The school is aware of the situation and teachers are very concerned for SD's education.
Here's the catch - OH would love to switch the contact time around so he can be sure his daughter is at least getting the care she needs during the time she has school. Ideally, he'd get her to a better school in a nicer area and he would be the primary caregiver. He would never want to cut SD's mother out of her life - he only wants the best for her. However, he doesn't have the money to take anything to court right now, his ex would never be up for having a reasonable discussion about the situation, even at mediation, and at the end of the day, the situation doesn't seem severe enough for anyone to forcibly make any changes.
OH is going to have a consultation with a family lawyer next week to discuss his options, but it's making him miserable and frankly it doesn't seem like anything would change anyway. Does anyone have any suggestions or can anyone point me in the right direction for information on this sort of things? We're desperate. Thanks.

You can collect the forms from your local family court reception area. You need to complete 3 copies, pay for the processing and the case will be listed

KenzieBoosMummy - Thanks for the information, that's really helpful.

Nuggy2013 - Brilliant, thank you.

I have spoken to OH and the only thing he is stuck on is his ideal arrangement. He needs to be taking his daughter to school every day and having her stay with him during the week, but he doesn't trust her to be looked after on weekends properly and not be palmed off somewhere unsuitable if her mum goes out, and a lot of afternoons her mum is working until the evening, so she wouldn't get to see her then. OH is very concerned about not cutting her off from her mother, even if she is neglecting her, as he believes it would be very distressing for SD. However, he does know he needs to be the main influence in her life, take her to school every day, and she needs not to be left overnight at her mum's. Does anyone have any suggestions or examples of what worked for them? Does OH necessarily need to know what is best? What happens if it goes to court and it doesn't work out like this?

He has her for three days out of 7 so there is a lot he can do to influence. He can manage all homework and extra tuition if necessary. He can ensure she washes well/ brush teeth give healthy meal ensure she gets adequate sleep during that time so it's not so bad.

Frankly he is much better off trying to do everything well when she is with you and not focus on what his ex doesn't do. Soon she will be able to wash and brush her teeth without prompting and with a good schedule he could start encouraging her to do some homework on her own.

It's amazing what influence you can have over 3 days FT so as long as she is not at risk when with her mum he should be able to make some improvements himself.

swingofthings - Absolutely, that is what is happening when she is with us. However, lots of homework at ours doesn't make up for her not being taken to school when she's with her mum! She can't take herself to school, and she isn't in charge of where and with whom she is left. He is doing as much as he possibly can and has been for a long time, but it seems like now, it's just getting too much to just try to counter it when she's with him.

Can't he keep her already for Fri to Tuesday or Wednesday so he takes her to school two or three days ?
Why doesnt.mum want her on weekends?
If mum's influence is negelectful.then child will be fine with say day time visits to mum on saturdays and a mid week after school tea. He won't be saying no visits.
There is no reason why dad can't be main cater and mum has alt weekends and one eve in week. Or less.
Dad has to stop fixation on equal.time if time with mum is neglectful. He has to make a call. If mum can't get dd to school he has to step.up...the evidence will be there in her records at school
Where are the letters saying her attendance is below 90 per cent..these are triggered automatically? Why has dad not seen these letters ?
Ss and education welfare will back. Him up if the evidence is there...

Tell him to look on separateddads website they have pro forms letters which quote the education act '96 I think which supports sharing information with both parents.

Tell him to get serious with school and ss. Keeping her home a week at a time is unacceptable.

Absolutely self represent in court. Look up the welfare checklist online and draft a statement listing your concerns around that format.

The advice about her learning to brush her own teeth in time is a bit cold imo.

cestlavie - He would love to, but her mum would never agree to that in a million years. She goes out every weekend Friday & Saturday night, and so having her kid(s) would get in the way. If she had SD, she'd be passed off to relatives / friends. I agree, I think day time visits at weekends / tea-times when OH's ex isn't working is the best idea, but he'd definitely consider keep her just for more days during the week as a compromise. However, like I say, his ex would never agree.
OH hardly gets any information from school. I imagine that those letters went to her mum's and have been lost, because her attendance must be somewhere nearer to 75% (exact numbers for recently to be requested in upcoming meeting). I didn't know that letters were triggered automatically, but OH is going to request an email or something every single time SD is off school for in between when he goes in for meetings.
Evidence is absolutely there for attendance and attainment. Is that enough though?

everythingis - Thanks for your reply and the information. Absolutely will do what you've suggested. I do agree that it would help if she could remember to do those things herself, and we are encouraging her to remember herself what she needs to do each day, but without that regular conversation and not doing so for several days at a time, you absolutely can't blame her for not knowing or remembering!

Seen a couple of comments regarding telling him to just keep the children.

In the U.K. it is not this simple, regardless of whether the father is on the birth certificate the mother has ALL the rights in absence of any form of court order.

If she called the police, they would take the children from him and return them to her. It does not happen the other way around.

She has all the control until a court order is in place, fathers no matter how good they are or the better more stable parent do not have the same rights as mothers. Mothers (whilst it would never look good in front of a judge, if it gets that far) can refuse access until a court order is in place and there is nothing the father can do about it.

Talk to a lawyer or the CAB

If her attendance is that low for no good reason and it would be close to 100 if he was main carer then whether or not mum agrees becomes irrelevant... school and ss should back him up. He needs to get the information. Speak to ss. Apply to court for residence meaning he has her most days and she visits with mum regularly.
If mum strops so be it..she can present her case...
Dad has to be prepared to stick his neck out to support dd.
There is other support out there eg family therapy to help dd. And him

PenguinsandPebbles - This is what I mean about conflicting information. Also, if OH isn't careful, exactly that will happen. His ex will keep SD there and we will know nothing about her safety. Naturally, it's better to keep things how they are until we have carefully considered the right course of action.

cestlavie - It absolutely would be - she's never been late to school once with him and she has been off one day since she started school on days he is responsible for taking her. The school will also have a record of him constantly requesting help with homework, more reading books, information about her attainment and concerns about her attendance. Thank you for all of your replies, they have been extremely helpful. Should he be speaking to school, social services, a family lawyer, or all three about this?

I just think independence is one thing but 7 is very little to not be encouraged or supervised with basic care. Ss rate emotional warmth as pretty essential

Speak to all 3. If he has concerns and doesn't report them to ss at earliest opportunity they will want to know why later down the line if they did a parenting assessment or similar

I mean this in the nicest possible way but you need proper legal advice not the conflicting often incorrect advice doled out on here. Good luck.

everythingis - Absolutely, and it's something she's desperately lacking in. Thank you for your help!

NellysKnickers - Yes, that's the problem isn't it. Even on the internet, there's lots of conflicting advice. Anyway, OH is going to see a family lawyer so hopefully that will help.

I agree with Kelly having lived through it with DP who is now the court ordered RP, children have always lived with him their mother left when they were very small and she still had all the rights until that court order so it is just not as simple for men, you have to get legal advise and tread very carefully!

Wish you so much luck!

The thing is OP, each case has different circumstances so what may have been good advice for one person just isn't for the next. You sound like a lovely stepmum, I hope it all works out.

Absolutely, that is what is happening when she is with us. However, lots of homework at ours doesn't make up for her not being taken to school when she's with her mum!
No of course, but then surely if it gets serious enough, the welfare officer will get involved? How many days has she missed this year?

Start with school. They can help in referring to ss.
Then he can tell lawyer he has support from school and ss.

PenguinsandPebbles - Thanks for the heads up, it's a minefield!

NellysKnickers - Yes I agree with you. Thank you, that's nice to hear sometimes isn't it! I do try haha.

swingofthings - I agree, and I believe that that is next on the list - school have said that they're concerned enough to take action. I don't know exact figures (OH is getting them from school this week), but I believe her attendance is around 75-80% so far this year, as it was last year. I'm confused how things haven't been done sooner, but I think it's because OH's ex always said she was poorly, so they can't do much about that.

cestlavielife - Okay, great, thanks. At least we know roughly how to move forward with this.

If she is that "ill" then there should be medical records trips to gp... which dad has the right to be informed about.
Ewo can take action and check....

cestlavielife - SD has not been to the doctors' more than once in the past three years AFAWK. OH's ex purposely withholds information it seems, and has been telling school not to involve him. What is EWO?

Education Welfare Officer - modern title of truancy officer.

Thank you!

has the ex spun a story about why dad should not be informed?
is/was there real or alleged domestic violence between them?