Advice needed | Mumsnet

Dreddhk · 2017-01-11T15:16:16+00:00

I have been with partner for 5 months I have 4 children of my own he has a 10 year old daughter, this week she has had a complete meltdown and has gone into her school saying I was horrible and mean to her, I'm so upset and hurt and today gets better she has told her dad I hit her all made up, her dad is always here what do we do about this, what's the best way to parent this situation, at the moment I just feel like I don't want to see her or be near her, we have spent both today and yesterday trying to work out why she is doing this?? Has anyone experienced this??

OneWithTheForce · 11/01/2017 15:30

her dad is always here what do we do about this,

"We" do nothing, her dad stops always being at his girlfriend of 5 months house when he is having contact with his daughter.

Original poster

Dreddhk · 11/01/2017 15:44

She lives with him full time

OP posts:

OneWithTheForce · 11/01/2017 15:52

so why the hell is he always at yours?

bolognaadvice · 11/01/2017 16:00

Send a friend round dressed as a police officer to interview her. It'll freak her out. Seriously kids can't lie about this sort of stuff... regardless

OneWithTheForce · 11/01/2017 16:06

Seriously kids can't lie about this sort of stuff.

The irony of lying about who you are to teach a child not to lie.

OneWithTheForce · 11/01/2017 16:07

Fwiw it's illegal to impersonate a police officer

bolognaadvice · 11/01/2017 16:08

Ok crap idea!

Underthemoonlight · 11/01/2017 16:12

some very strange comments. Its only been 5 months how far into the relationship did you actually met her?

Why not consider that maybe shes a bit overwhelmed i'm guessing as she lives with her dad and him being her main parent just him and her she has now coping with additional 4 children and a new partner. She is acting out because of the massive changes in her live, could you maybe back off and allow her to spend time with just her and her father. What is the situation with her mother?

Lunar1 · 11/01/2017 16:35

Maybe you should just back off. You've been seeing your boyfriend for 5 months. I'm not sure why he would immediately believe you over his dd. I've no idea why you had to involve children at this stage.

swingofthings · 11/01/2017 17:02

Are you living together? If so, that's a serious rush and her behaviour is probably her ways of expressing her dissatisfaction with the way things have moved so fast. Maybe she is crying to be listened to and feel that the only way she will be is if she makes some serious allegations.

If I were her dad, I would be taking this seriously and try to think why his daughter could be making up something like this. If I were you, I would back off and let him deal with it.

Underthemoonlight · 11/01/2017 20:35

I feel op won't be back.

ZouBisou · 11/01/2017 22:45

OneWith, it could either be read as:

Her dad is always (saying) "Here, what do we do about this?"

Or

I can't have hit her because her dad is always here (when I am with her)

Or

Her dad is always here, at my home (this one makes the least sense in the context)

Underthemoonlight · 12/01/2017 08:27

It's a shame in these threads where op fails to see what other posters can blatantly see because they want to prioritise their relationship with their new dp without taking into consideration the thoughts and feelings of this girl involved and even their own children

PatriciaHolm · 12/01/2017 08:33

You don't parent her. You are not her parent, nor a step parent. You are her dads girlfriend, who in a 5 month relationship shouldn't be in any sort of parental role.

Her father needs to deal with this, calmly, without you anywhere around, and ideally you wouldn't be around her much at all.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 12/01/2017 08:40

Jesus, tube been with him 5 months and you have already introduced the children?!

really bad move, far too much too soon! She's acting out because she is massively overwhelmed I should think.

Back off, and stay at your own home when he is having contact with her.

Original poster

Dreddhk · 12/01/2017 09:05

Thankyou for your non judgemental constructive advice!!! My grammar is appalling so I think my original post read slightly wrong as in the he is always here post!! we are neighbours and the children already knew each other before we decided to get together!! I do not believe we have rushed our relationship, I do believe her behaviour is a reaction to change, she is also one of four children however her natural siblings are all 20 and over and no longer live at home!! I agree her dad should parent her, I was looking for advice tips??

OP posts:

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 12/01/2017 09:14

you've had excellent advice- bsck off and be far less involved!

Underthemoonlight · 12/01/2017 09:44

Regardless if your neighbours it seems all too much for this girl which is why she is reacting. It's totally different to seeing your neighbour and kids to becoming a blending family and spending together in that capacity she is clearly overwhelmed about the situation.

mrsaxlerose · 12/01/2017 10:42

Yes . My DSS was 10 when I met my DH and he used to tell horrendous stories about what I had done to him and said to him. At first his dad would defend him. That got the desired reaction. One day he told a lie so huge that his dad questioned it and I had witnesses. After that he would question him before exploding at me. He is now an adult and tried it right up until he was in his early twenties but his dad now backs me up and get all three together to discuss the allegation and that's when the lie unravels. Perhaps try that. When she accuses you of something all get together and discuss it and ask question like when did it happen, where etc

mrsaxlerose · 12/01/2017 11:02

Yes . My DSS was 10 when I met my DH and he used to tell horrendous stories about what I had done to him and said to him. At first his dad would defend him. That got the desired reaction. One day he told a lie so huge that his dad questioned it and I had witnesses. After that he would question him before exploding at me. He is now an adult and tried it right up until he was in his early twenties but his dad now backs me up and get all three together to discuss the allegation and that's when the lie unravels. Perhaps try that. When she accuses you of something all get together and discuss it and ask question like when did it happen, where etc

Original poster

Dreddhk · 12/01/2017 11:26

Thankyou underthemoonlight I agree I'm thinking the way forward is we go back to seeing each other is without her involved!! We are very fortunate that we are both self employed and are able to spend days together while children are at school, she is supposed to spend every other weekend at her mums although she sees this as punishment and in 4 years she only manages from Friday at 5 until Saturday 11am so enforcing her to spend the whole weekend with her mum as she is supposed too. will not help her!! She also won't be happy with this as she generally enjoys her time with the kids and as a family I feel this is also ostrisicing her and see this as a punishment too, I am considering what is best for her and dont want to make things worse. I've considered ending things but she does not want that either it's so hard...there are four very happy children just the one is acting up!!

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 12/01/2017 13:35

From your response it seems very intense and full on it's only 5 months with all the kids together. Her DF needs to get to the bottom of what her issue is with going to her mothers?

Lunar1 · 12/01/2017 13:47

Such a shame that one pesky child is ruining you playing happy families with a boyfriend of 5 months! Keep your children separate from your relationship right now, the proximity of being neighbours rs has made you rush things.

OneWithTheForce · 12/01/2017 14:54

At 5 months my DC didn't even know I was seeing anyone.

swingofthings · 12/01/2017 17:38

I don't think we get a good grasp of your living arrangements from what you posted. So your neighbours, but then what? You see each other during the day but both go to your own home once they come back from school? Or are you saying that he comes to yours often and what spend the evening? Overnight?

If it's the latter and she is mad to go to your house evenings and/or nights, then maybe she is fed up with that arrangement and wants to be at her home rather than camping at yours?

Or is it a case of you going to his with your 4 children, in which case, maybe she is trying to make a point that she feels that her space is invaded?