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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Who buys presents for whom?

24 replies

handsfree · 27/12/2016 14:29

I had a message just before Christmas from dsds mum, saying that dsd (11.5) wanted to buy our two boys (5+2) something for Christmas and could I sort it out. This isn't something we've done previously, she hasn't given them presents before for birthdays either, and they don't give her anything separately, presents are to her from all of us.

Dh is of the view that if she wants to get something she is old enough to sort it out herself, she has money and she goes shopping a lot

I currently buy presents from her for dh for birthday, Christmas and Father's Day, but this generally means that I choose something, buy it, wrap it and just give it to her to give to him, as she never has any idea what she would like to get. Dh also thinks that I shouldn't bother if she's not at least choosing what to buy.

Just curious as to how it works for others?

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MagicMary1 · 27/12/2016 17:47

Mine don't get anything do each other but they are in late teens. They might get a token gift but nothing substantial.

ChocoChou · 27/12/2016 17:51

If her mum thinks you should do it then I would ask to take DSD for a couple of hours to go choosing, give her £10 and get her to choose and pay.
It's sweet that she wants to get her siblings gifts!
Would also do the same for her dads bday etc. I would also expect her dad to do the same for your bday.
But seeing as there's 363 days til etc christmas what did you do this year?

Akire · 27/12/2016 17:58

I never had gifts off siblings until was old enough to use pocket money to buy. At least I'd let her earn pocket money by doing a few jobs, or else it's not from her at all!

MsAwesomeDragon · 27/12/2016 18:02

I don't have step children, but I wasn't involved in helping DD choose presents by the time she was 11. She had pocket money and was expected to get presents out of that, although I may have taken her shipping in order to let her buy them. She has always chosen her own presents for people though, even when I used to pay for them, and 6yo dd2 chooses presents herself too (with a little more parental guidance)

Thepurplehen · 27/12/2016 18:35

If mum wants her to do it, then why doesn't mum go shopping with her?

I've always encouraged my ds to buy for his dad and half and step siblings. I would never dream of wanting him to buy the presents but expecting someone else to do the donkey work!

Debrathezebra · 27/12/2016 18:51

That's sweet of her. Id give her some extra pocket money and facilitate getting her to the shops to choose something.

OneWithTheForce · 27/12/2016 18:54

xmas is over. Isn't it too late to be asking this now? What did you end up doing?

Also might be a nice idea in future to take her with you when you choose her presents for her dad.

OneWithTheForce · 27/12/2016 18:55

I don't really like the sound of her dad's attitude TBH. He really could have taken her to get something. If she was asking it clearly was important to her. Sounds like he couldn't be arsed.

OneWithTheForce · 27/12/2016 18:56

AND if she never knows what she wants to get her dad (meaning you just pick for her) then how does he expect her to know what to get her brothers? Perhaps having their father with her to help choose is what she wanted.

Original poster

handsfree · 27/12/2016 19:05

We aren't seeing dsd until 6th January and haven't seen her since before Christmas so it is presents for this Christmas I'm talking about. Onewith She didn't say it to us, she told her mum after her last visit and her mum then messaged me. We haven't done presents between the children before so it hasn't really come up. It's not a case of dh not doing anything about it (although he does believe she's old enough to sort it out herself, whereas her mum clearly thinks we should do it - hence why I'm interested to know what others think)

She live 4 hours away from us and we only see her every 3rd weekend so it's not that easy to just take her shopping as it's very limited time already. I try to encourage her to think of things to get her dad but she just says she doesn't know (or says something that he would absolutely hate like the other year when she suggested getting him a onesie!)

OP posts:

OneWithTheForce · 27/12/2016 19:09

In that case he can take her on the 6th of Jan and get something for them. It doesn't really matter that she hasn't done it before, she is 11, and is probably becoming more aware of doing things for others. The fact she has asked is nice, I would encourage it by actually making it a pleasant experience for her rather than "well you're 11, go and do it yourself".

Maybe83 · 27/12/2016 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Debrathezebra · 27/12/2016 19:27

It's not down to her mum to sort it. It involves gifts between the people in your blended family. Sorry, but your dp sounds like he can't be bothered which is a shame. It's the little things like this that help create a new family unit.

The good news is that the sales are on!

Original poster

handsfree · 27/12/2016 19:34

No I wouldn't expect her mum to do it.
I was all set to just do it until I mentioned it to dh and for some reason he got really cross about it and seems to feel strongly that there's no reason she can't buy them something by herself, I'm not quite sure why he reacted like that.

OP posts:

OneWithTheForce · 27/12/2016 19:36

Ugh. What an arse.

OneWithTheForce · 27/12/2016 19:36

I wonder will he treat his sons the same when they want to get her or you a present. Or do you have to buy your own already?

Original poster

handsfree · 27/12/2016 19:37

I think it's more about the fact that she doesn't seem inclined to participate at all in even choosing the presents rather than the buying and paying for them that's the issue.
She does choose a present for her older brother although I'm pretty sure she doesn't have to pay for it.

OP posts:

Original poster

handsfree · 27/12/2016 19:38

He does get the boys a present for me yes, but obviously they are significantly younger!

OP posts:

OneWithTheForce · 27/12/2016 19:39

the fact that she doesn't seem inclined to participate at all in even choosing the presents

The words Apple and tree spring to mind.

Original poster

handsfree · 27/12/2016 19:44

Why?
It's just not something we've done before and she's shown no interest in it before so I think that's a little unfair!

OP posts:

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 27/12/2016 19:45

DSS2 always buys presents for me, his dad and our son - he doesn't see any difference between his older brother (also from DH's first marriage) and his little brother, despite him being a half brother. In fact he is closer to DS, as DSS1 is sadly estranged from the family.

We used to buy gifts from DSS1 and DSS2 to DS, and vice versa, until they were working and could afford to buy their own. We still buy all DS's gifts to everyone as he is 16 and still at school.

We don't buy the exW anything, although she always buys a small gift for DS. We send her a card.

swingofthings · 27/12/2016 19:50

Doesn't she have a mobile? Does communication between her and her dad/you always goes through her mum? I find this very off at 11 1/2. Surely it is time that she either picks up the phone herself/gets her own mobile if she wants to speak to her dad/you?

OneWithTheForce · 27/12/2016 19:51

Why? confused
It's just not something we've done before and she's shown no interest in it before so I think that's a little unfair!

Her father's attitude to her lovely request.

reallyanotherone · 27/12/2016 19:55

I never buy presents "on behalf" of children, so i wouldn't buy your dh presents "from her" either. Because it's not is it? It's from you.

If mine want to buy presents, they're expected to come up with ideas, and I'll facilitate, order off amazon, take them shopping, pay etc.

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