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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I need help.....

14 replies

MostlyHappyLady · 26/12/2016 20:48

I really don't know what to do.
My daughter is 15. I have been with my partner (not her father) for 2 1/2 years. He moved in about a year ago.
When he's not at home, my daughter is a "normal" 15 year old. As soon as he comes home, she refuses to speak to him, won't be in the same room as him. I have tried to talk with her, she just says she hates him and nothing will ever change.
Her behaviour is driving a huge wedge between myself and my partner. He hates being in the house, she won't even look at him. I'm not expecting her to love him unconditionally, but by now I really had hoped she would be even vaguely polite towards him.
Any suggestions would be really welcome x

OP posts:
OohhThatsMe · 26/12/2016 20:51

Why did you let him move in when you knew she didn't like him?

Original poster
MostlyHappyLady · 26/12/2016 20:55

She was better with him before he moved in.

OP posts:
Debrathezebra · 26/12/2016 21:00

A bit more background would help. How were things when they first met? How was their relationship before he moved in. Have they never got on or has something triggered this? Was she happy about him moving in but has found the reality hard to adjust to?

RebelRogue · 26/12/2016 21:05

You need to get to the bottom of why she hates him,only then you can decide on a course of action.

MyWineTime · 26/12/2016 21:52

Did you discuss the idea of him moving in before it happened, or did you just tell her that it would be happening?

NewNNfor2017 · 26/12/2016 21:58

I'm not expecting her to love him unconditionally, but by now I really had hoped she would be even vaguely polite towards him.

I'm not sure 'hoping' that your DC will behave appropriately is an effective parenting technique to be honest.

Have you explained what you expect of her, and what the consequences will be if she doesn't comply?

She wouldn't get away with that behaviour at school towards a staff member, so why are you permitting it at home?

CannotEvenDeal · 26/12/2016 22:07

How close is she to her father?

Frankelly66 · 26/12/2016 23:41

Hello. I was your daughter exactly, and I will admit I was very difficult but I genuinely felt so uncomfortable around my step dad, and I moved out as soon as I could. She's a young lady now, going through so many changes, it's weird having a non biological man in your space.

It's a tricky situation because her happiness is important but you deserve happiness too. I think you need to speak to your daughter, you need to tell her it's affecting your relationship and how happy she and him both make you. You need her to tell you what it is she doesn't like, is it you and her don't have time alone? Or that she doesn't have privacy? Does he take over the living room? Perhaps you can all do an activity once a week together and she brings a friend? You need to bond with her again.

You need to fix this ASAP for everyone's sake.

WannaBe · 27/12/2016 12:22

Why are you allowing your fifteen year old to behave like this?

She doesn't have to like your partner, as hard as it is we can't make our children like the partners we choose in life however refusing to speak to someone and failing to even be polite is unacceptable, and as her parent you need to take some responsibility and clamp down on it.

And you also need to talk to her, and listen, not judge, and try to establish what the issues are that she has with your DP. She may not like him for any number of reasons which may or may not be valid. Sometimes we just don't take to people, and that's not wrong, but the only way you are going to establish that is to have a talk with her and listen to what she has to say without being defensive because he's your partner.

FWIW I have a similar situation with my DS who is fourteen, except his issues are with my ex's partner who he hasn't particularly taken to. We've had numerous discussions about it, and obviously for the most part this is his dad's issue to deal with, however during the talks we have had the one thing I have reiterated every time is that while nobody has to like anyone if they really don't like them, however manners cost nothing and at the very least I expect him to be polite and civil even if he can't form more of a relationship than that, after all she is his dad's choice of partner and while he doesn't have to like it he at least should be able to respect his dad's choices.

fallenempires · 27/12/2016 13:11

Watching this thread with interest as I'm in the same situation except I've been with my DP since my DD was a child.
Frank did you have contact with your DF at this age? Would you be able to post a bit more about your situation please?
New that's sensible advice & very true,as yes there would be sanctions at school such as detention at the very least!
wannabe thank goodness that you are taking an adult viewpoint & reminding your ds to be civil & respectful,not many bio parents seem capable of this.Do you know the reasons behind your ds' dislike for DF's DP?

Frankelly66 · 27/12/2016 23:00

Hi fallen. My mum had an affair with my step dad and moved on in with him so he never stood a chance really as I was very aware of everything going on. I think a lot of parents don't realise how much children hear and understand?

I'm very close with my dad and he didn't help influence my opinion either. But there was a period from probably 11-14 where we got on and did lots of things together. However past this I then didn't like how my step dad nagged my mum and didn't help her with housework or cooking ever etc. and I just thought my mum deserved better.
But overall I was a pretty difficult child. When I got into my twenties I actually apologised to him and thanked him for everything he did and putting up with me.

So in your situation, if your partner is genuinely nice to your children, nice to you, is an active part of the house and there is no real reason for them to be against it then maybe time for some tough love. Perhaps also let them know that when they grow up and move out, you don't want to be alone? (That idea of my mum being alone freaked me out, still does!). Hope this helps X

fallenempires · 28/12/2016 01:00

Frank was divorced when we met, but thank you so much for a teen albeit now adult SD side of the story.
OP do hope that this helps you as well.

WannaBe · 28/12/2016 08:07

fallenempires tbh I think it's a combination of things. Partly I think it's the fact that he's a teenager now and entering into that rebellious stage. partly I think that it's the fact that he went from being an only child to his dad entering into a relationship with someone with her own child who moved in and had another baby within two years, so suddenly there was a whole new family in the mix. There are other factors but it would be unfair really to write them down on a public forum. But ultimately eXH and she are together, have a child together, and assuming they stay together these are relationships which will likely change over time as DS grows up etc. What we see as children and teens is rarely what we see when we mature into adults and realise how things are.

TBH I can never understand these adults who get so possessive over their children and jealous of their relationships with other people. As children parents may be able to manipulate them, but at some point those children will grow up and get to an age where they are capable of their own independent thoughts, and all the manipulation will count for nothing wen the kids turn around and have the relationships anyway when they reach adulthood. Nobody owns a child, but everyone has the capacity to lose one through their own behaviour and reactions.

fallenempires · 28/12/2016 12:38

Wannabe that all sounds fairly understandable given the situation.Oh & of course general teenage stuff too!
Your own attitude is a sensible one but sadly not one that every parent has.
As you say we can only just hope that with maturity & adulthood that they do indeed see things differently & act accordingly.
Reaching that point tho seems almost impossible atm.

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