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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Feeling upset and embrassed

109 replies

muttermuttergrrr · 23/12/2016 11:44

We've had the dsc since wed when the broke up from school going home xmas eve.

Anyway we opened their presents yesterday so there dad could see them do it and for the first year they bought me a present (been in their lives for 6 years) so was feeling really pleased that they had thought to do it.

Opened it and it was 2 diet books, I am a little overweight but fucking hell, it just seems a really nasty present to get me. Everyone laughed and dsd said, we thought we'd get you something you need.

I said thanks and went off to have a shower and cried, I know that it seems stupid but I was so pleased they'd included me and we'd had such a good year, and to get something that felt spiteful and have everyone laughing has really upset me.

DH thinks i'm being silly and they didn't mean any harm but im not so sure.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

FranticalFidget · 23/12/2016 20:31

I've had a dsd do similar op.

But the look on her face next Christmas was worth waiting a year for.

Her useless father never bothered getting many presents. I told him I wasn't doing it that year.

Amazingly she was so so nice after she clocked that all those big gifts, all the lovely arrangements had not been coming from her dad but me for five years.

I didn't hold a grudge, though I did do that to prove a point.

Strangely enough we get on very well now and still see each other often though Disney dad has been gone for some time.

If you go out of your own way to do anything stop now.

llangennith · 23/12/2016 20:46

Nasty thing to do. Do you think their mum colluded with her daughter?
It's NOT an acceptable present and your DH should ask a few of his friends (male and female) what they think of diet books as a present.

Manumission · 23/12/2016 20:48

You have a DH problem.

Tackle him.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 23/12/2016 22:42

I'd tell them directly with DP there that it upset you. I'd do that as soon as you can. Or if not, by text even. Just get it out there and dont' leave this.

Leave the ball with them all about how to respond. The worst thing is to swallow it. They may not know how mean they were being, and if they did all the more reason to be really upfront.

Then let them all figure out how to respond. If they don't all apologise, say that even if it wasn't meant badly, it'd be good to hear from them that they didn't mean to upset you. Say that you really love to get presents from them though, and then say when you birthday is, that you'll send a little reminder to help them if they forget, and that you'd really love a present, however small, with something like toiletries or an accessory that made you feel good.

Bluntness100 · 24/12/2016 09:17

I was thinking about this one last night. Dunno why,

Firstly, you've not had s gift from them in six years, they are 11 and 15 now. When kids get parents presents from six and nine year olds it's because the other parent secretly "buys it for them" for them to give. So you've not had a gift in all this time because your husband never said let's get mutter a gift from you and clearly their mother was never going to do that,

Secondly, now you have s gift. The majority of 15 and 11 year olds would have a parent involved in that, from the paying to the shopping. Few of them earn money, go spend it on a gift, buy wrapping paper, wrap it and give it by themselves and if they do, it's usually something very cheap.

So my bet thinking about it is their mother had something to do with this. I doubt they spent their own money on two diet books, even if they did any kid would have stopped at one book, At the very least the mother knew what they were giving, in all probability she bought and paid for them.

Don't get me wrong, the kids will have known, and the daughter would have got it, that's why the laughter, maybe it was sold to them as a joke, but I'd say the mum was absolutely the driving force behind this and that's why your husband is reticent to blame the kids, he knows she was probably behind it.

My questions remain though, how's your relationship with her, are you the other woman, does she have a partner?

Rioja123 · 24/12/2016 10:58

Have you spoken to your partner op?

Original poster

muttermuttergrrr · 24/12/2016 14:21

Spoke to dh last night, he conceded that it could be taken the wrong way but is adamant that they didn't mean it horribly. I said that I think it was meant to be spiteful. He said he'd speak to them and see what they said.

Dss said that dsd and her mum went shopping for all the presents and he didn't know what they were. I believe him.

Dsd insists that it wasn't meant horribly and that she was only being helpful. So dh believes her. I frankly don't and it hadn't ever occurred to me that the ex would be involved as we'd never had any problems although don't really speak.

So basically nothing happened and dh thinks I'm being ridiculous.

OP posts:

Original poster

muttermuttergrrr · 24/12/2016 14:23

Not the ow by the way. They had been split up for four years before I met dh. She as far as I know is still single but I've never asked dsc about her private life

OP posts:

gamerchick · 24/12/2016 14:28

So he's dismissing how you feel?

Maybe the daughter was misguided but at least she knows now that it was a mistake and you didn't take it on the chin.

Chuck the books out or put in the charity bag or better still make all the meals out of the books and feed them to your bloke for a bit while you order pizza.

Original poster

muttermuttergrrr · 24/12/2016 14:40

He's basically saying I can see why you took it the wrong way but it wasn't meant like that. I disagree why else would they laugh

OP posts:

glindathegoodfairy · 24/12/2016 14:51

That's exactly the kind of thing my DHs ex wife would have bought from the kids if she bought me a gift. But at 15 my dsd wouldn't have been a spiteful little bitch and given them to me!

RandomMess · 24/12/2016 14:51

How long have you been together and dies DSD have form for this and DH for being Disney Dad? I'm not sure I could be forgiving of an attitude that from DH

flumpybear · 24/12/2016 15:00

Show your husband this thread - I think it's a horrible thing to do - how about if you bought your step daughter a book on greasy hair, spots and BO .... I'm sure she'd have issues receiving this!!
Ps my mum bought my dad a present after they divorced called 'how to be a complete bastard' ..... it could be the mum!! Little digs to make you self conscious and feel shitty - dieting is so personal it's not up to someone else to buy you a book!!! I'd politely give
Them back and say thanks perhaps you can keep them in case you need them

Debrathezebra · 24/12/2016 15:06

I think Dsd did it deliberately, only because I don't believe at 15 and being how into her image and make up etc. she that she wouldn't have thought it was rude

I find it all a bit odd. And not on that this is the first present you've ever had from them. What on earth has your dp been thinking not to organise something in previous years? It's his responsibility to do that, not their mum's.

Yet now all of a sudden she's asked her mum to help get what seems to be an unkind gift. The only thing I can think from your comment is that you've maybe made a comment to her about her appearance or make up that she has found hurtful and this is her response.

I'd say the best thing is for you and she to sit down and talk it through. Not by texts, face to face. And any form of retaliation would be childish and unhelpful. If you normally get on then it needn't get big and is easily sortable.

keekaw · 24/12/2016 15:07

I'd take it as the insult it was and either go out or go and read in my room. And I'd be furious with my DH for being deliberately dense.

fallenempires · 24/12/2016 15:40

Really????????
Disgraceful of your DH to not accept how hurtful the so called present was.Of course DSD will say that it's a mistake!
XW sounds awful too,what kind of an example is she setting her children?
So sorry to read all this I'm on your behalf.

taxiforme · 24/12/2016 16:07

If it makes you feel any better my tubby dh's exw bought him a set of scales (with a fat monitor, yay!) for the last Xmas they were together . She was having an affair with her much younger personal trainer.

He thought he was getting a snooker table.

Don't let her pop your balloons.

Take heart from the story though and try to cut dh some slack as my dh was a bit non plussed at the time. Don't fall out about it, if exw is behind it then she has achieved her likely aim.

When dh told me about the present (as I came across the still boxed scales in the garage) I was indignant and angry for him and smashed them on the floor...

prettywhiteguitar · 24/12/2016 16:14

What's your relationship like normally? Does he often tell you how to feel about things ?

Pallisers · 24/12/2016 22:48

Dsd insists that it wasn't meant horribly and that she was only being helpful. So dh believes her.

Look your dh needs to realise that whether or not it was meant horribly (and actually I think it was meant as a bit of a sly dig) his daughter needs a parent to have a conversation with her about how what she thinks is appropriate is not. If she does this to a flat mate who has annoyed her or a friend she is on the outs with she will be (rightly) perceived as a real shit.

She is 15. she needs an adult to point out what she did. Given whom she directed her little jibe at, her mother shouldn't have to do it her father should.

You aren't being ridiculous. Your dh is being an "easy" parent. It will be his daughter who suffers in the end. What do you care if she thinks you need to lose weight or not? But if your step daughter ends up being the kind of person who thinks this is ok ... not good. your dh needs to be on the ball as a parent. It isn't all beer and skittles - sometimes you have to have hard conversations. It doesn't mean his daughter is awful. Just that she did something awful. He should tell her. tell her why. Tell her why he is correcting her (so she won't grow up a shit) and tell her he loves her no matter what. The conversation shouldn't be about you but about how he was disappointed in her and her behaviour.

That is what an intact family would do if a teenager gave diet books to her mother who didn't want them. his daughter deserves better

DancingDinosaur · 24/12/2016 23:08

I think bluntness is right. I don't think a 15 year old would buy 2 gifts. I think her mum may have something to do with it. Maybe the gifts are recycled or maybe mum bought them with her. But, whilst there is clearly a bit of spite from dsd she hasn't done this by herself. 15 year olds would save the cash and buy the minimum. Its worth considering this.

Phoebex · 24/12/2016 23:23

What a nasty nasty girl.
Its not you who should be embarrassed but that sorry excuse for a father letting her get away with laughing at you when you opened them.
Next time you see her give them back & tell her body shaming is childish

Phoebex · 24/12/2016 23:27

Btw my birthday is the beginning of January & dm always gets me something fitness/weight related
Last year I specifically said 'nothing to do with my weight please mum' she bought me a fucking second hand running machine!!!!!
My sis gets lovely smellies & bags & scarves etc for her June birthday

cx5221 · 25/12/2016 07:09

Totally off topic but why is this the first gift they have bought you?

Your dh should be taking them out every year to pick a present for you.

I think 14 was about the age I started buying Christmas presents for friends and my mum and dad it just genuinely didn't really occur to me before then to buy gifts for anyone else as my mum just did everything.
If she hasn't had any guidance on this I can understand why you haven't got any gifts previously if it's solely been down to her to remember and buy something.

I think it's up to your husband to make sure they buy you stuff and to physically go with them while they do this or give them money / guidance on what to buy. You say you've been in their lives for 6 years so they were 8 and 5 when you first met them the only person to blame for you not getting presents up until now is your dh, not the children or ex wife as she shouldn't be having to buy gifts for you. If they had been buying you gifts since they met you with their dad by 14 they would have known what types of things to buy for you.

Merry Christmas op I hope you have a lovely day today

elliebellys · 25/12/2016 19:43

As others have said.ur dp is to blame.this shouldn't have been the first time you received anything.its not exw job to sort anything.it was your dp. He's treating you badly.

MagicMary1 · 25/12/2016 20:46

Really sorry op. It was a mean thing today.

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