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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should I be upset?

27 replies

user1480775842 · 15/12/2016 17:16

My fiancé is just getting back into contact with his 4 year old son. He communicates through the mothers parents as he will not talk directly to the mother.
The mother is not allowing myself or our child to meet this child but all of my fiancés family are being allowed and are going up one after another.
Last time they were in contact the mother said we should all meet so the child could meet me, every time we organised it 3 times in all she cancelled and then decided she didn't want me to meet him at all.
This brakes my heart because my fiancé now has a seperate life away from me and our son.
I want to be a part of this with him support him and be there with him as a family and this woman is not letting me meet him!
My fiancé is also getting very angry at me because I want to be involved?

OP posts:
SVJAA · 15/12/2016 17:20

Why is your fiancé getting angry with you?

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 15/12/2016 17:21

I think you need to take a massive step back. Let your DF establish a relationship with his son, then in time he can introduce you and your son to him. It's about what's best for the child, not what you want I'm afraid.

Lunar1 · 15/12/2016 17:26

I can completely see why the mum is saying this, how long did he stop seeing his son for? I'd would be pretty heartbreaking for him, to see you and the child he didn't stop seeing playing happy families. Give it time.

Original poster
user1480775842 · 15/12/2016 17:53

He didn't know the child was his until last year. It feels like he has a seperate life that only me and my son can't be part of.

OP posts:
MadMags · 15/12/2016 17:55

What is he angry about specifically?

I think you need to allow him time to build a relationship with his son, get to know him, get some continuity in place.

But, you should be meeting him soon and your dc certainly should!

MapMyMum · 15/12/2016 17:55

Give it time, step back and let them get to know each other first

Putsomepeasonit · 15/12/2016 17:59

If he's just getting back into touch, there is really no rush. Give it time.

Original poster
user1480775842 · 15/12/2016 18:21

Thanks guys helps hearing what other people think.
He is angry because I am wanting to be part of it all it seems he just loses it.
But I will take a step back from it all now.

OP posts:
SomethingLikeFlying · 15/12/2016 21:38

He can't keep "losing it" forever. At some point he needs to start being rational and involve you and your shared child in his other's son's life.

As others have rightfully said, give it time. A month? A year? I don't know. He can't keep having seperate lives forever though, so as I said he needs to do something so that you'll all be one family.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 16/12/2016 00:11

Yes he can't be having this separate life for years in the future - doesn't he want to have regular contact with his child eventually where it is 'normal' ie where he lives?

It sounds quite messy and volatile at present though. Why don't you step back and find out more background, judge whether this man is really someone you want to be so committed to. He isn't in a good place now to be fully engaged in a relationship with you, so why give him that? It is unequal.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 16/12/2016 07:26

I really think it's important for your DP to build a solid relationship first before he introduces the two of you- forging a new relationship with his dad will be overwhelming enough for the little boy, without factoring you and a sibling in too!

You should take the child's lead on this and remember that it's got to be very unsettling for him at the moment.

I would leave it for now, support DP in spending lots of time with his son and revisit the idea of you meeting him in 6-12 months, depending on how often your DP spends time with him.

Underthemoonlight · 16/12/2016 09:37

You need to ale a step back here your feelings are not important but the feelings of a 4year old who is just getting to know his father never mind a sibling and his DF partner. I can understand his frustrations if you keep asking to met his boy I'm sure he's trying his best and put his 4 years feelings first.

abbsisspartacus · 16/12/2016 09:41

So she is letting his entire family meet but not you and his half sibling? That does hint at she wants him to herself as a happy family unit

I see your concern

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 16/12/2016 09:46

Why won't he talk directly with the child's mother? From where I am sitting, it reads like all the adults involved need to start thinking less about their own feelings and more about the best thing for this little boy. You can only start with yourself though. It will be a good thing if you can step back. However, you might come into long term problems if your df doesn't learn to communicate calmly and reasonably- it sounds like he looses his shit with you and has already lost it with her to where they're no longer able to talk at all.

Original poster
user1480775842 · 16/12/2016 10:03

It's all really complicated... they have tried this so many times and everytime the mother says you can't see him anymore, it's really complicated!!! Her family say she has mental health issues etc etc and she has made it clear every time they tried that she doesn't want the child to meet his father she just wants my fiancé for herself, even though this child was a result of a one night stand.
I do worry a lot now because the other day when my fiancé went and met his son he was also introduced to all of this woman's family and is now friends with them all on Facebook and they are all tagging him in all of their posts and it just makes me feel like poo because now all of my fiances family and the child's family are forming a bond and becoming pals, and me and my son are being thrown aside.
Last time it was attempted it ended because the mother didn't want me involved after saying she did and started calling my fiancé and me saying that he had been trying to sleep with her everytime he saw her and that he loved her... messed up stuff.
He had a family member with him at all times when he saw the child!
Ah it's so messy!

OP posts:
0dfod · 16/12/2016 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brewdolf · 16/12/2016 10:17

It's tricky because your dp needs to bond with his other child before anyone else gets involved. I can understand if dp feels he needs a back up around the mother then also a grandparent getting involved too. Just until bonds are established.

However if the rest of his family are being allowed to be involved then that also needs to include his other child, as otherwise it's very unfair on both kids.

Original poster
user1480775842 · 16/12/2016 13:22

He lacks sympathy that's for sure!
Yeah all my friends and family think I should be involved as all his lot are.
I just really wanted some mummies advice who may have gone through this similar thing.

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 16/12/2016 14:22

I don't think you should be involved if he's taking a family member with him as some sort of back up I don't see the issue then he can't be accused of stuff she says he's doing but why should he take you and risk losing contact? Being friends with her family on FB isn't a big deal I have my ex's DF and his DW I tag them on stuff about their GC from time to time but that's it. The only other solution is to go through court but again they would likely advise a court centre or facilitated contact where their relationship can be built up at the child's rate and what they are comfortable this would be including external family members until reasonable time has pasted.

eyebrowsonfleek · 18/12/2016 11:04

I think he's probably scared that the ex will stop contact if he rocks the boat and asks for you to be involved with contact so he's sticking his head in the sand and pretending that you don't exist.
It's good that he's making an effort with his son but being an ostrich about you is storing problems for later IMO.

ThisThingCalledLife · 18/12/2016 15:25

how sure is he that the child is his? has he requested a dna test?
who's been masquerading as the boys 'dad' for the last 4 years?

i would suggest he gets a dna test done, and then if it is his child he can go to court for access and start paying child maintenance.
That's the only way you can limit her interference in your relationship.

Original poster
user1480775842 · 18/12/2016 16:20

He has done a DNA test and he has been paying child maintenance for 3 years now and we have paid her back the arrears as well in full directly.
its all very complicated!

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 18/12/2016 16:29

She isn't being unreasonable allowing contact with his family as they are related to her child...so it sound she like she would also be happy for her child to meet yours in time as they are half siblings. You do need to just take a step back and stop making it about your feelings. Your child see his father every day, his other child doesn't even see him yet. Let that change at the speed it needs to happen- be it fast or slow. Then once he is settling into knowing his dad he can meet his sibling and then you.

EweAreHere · 18/12/2016 16:33

Are you sure you want to move forward in this relationship with your fiance at all? It sounds very complicated, and it also sounds like he's not handling it very well. It won't improved if you're not involved ... which you need to be since you're currently set to marry this man.

I agree you need to take a step back and see how it's all going to play out and give the child time to adjust. The mother sounds like she's going to make this very difficult, however, and you have to decide if you can cope with being cut out, ignored, and told it's nothing to do with you for quite some time. Can you?

Lelliot · 18/12/2016 16:33

Can you clarify, he's been paying child maintenance for 3 years but only found out the child was his last year?

I can understand why you are upset. I would be too.