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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Selfish to ask for own space in own home??!

137 replies

Chesca345 · 05/12/2016 23:21

My other half's 5yo daughter comes to stay with us every other weekend and it's killing me! We've been together 2 years, she's been coming over for just over a year. He completely dotes on her every move and she can do no wrong in his eyes (he's still feeling mega guilty for leaving her when he ended his relationship).

I have no kids of my own so I find the whole experience of suddenly having a small child in the house pretty full-on at the best of times but one thing that is completely stressing me out more than anything else is that in the mornings as soon as she wakes up she's allowed to come and get into bed with us.

It sounds trivial but it's a time when I just need my own space. I sleep naked and would like the simple decency of being able to get up and put clothes on and then invite her into the room when I'm good and ready. I spend the whole weekend doing things with her, I just want 30 mins of 'me time' first thing!

We're usually pretty good at working through problems and finding compromises, but he just can't understand how I could be so callous as to want to tell her she can't come in until she's invited.

His side of the argument is that this time is really precious to him and he doesn't want to miss out on any of it.

He doesn't seem to realise/give a shit (not sure which yet) about how upset this is making me, and only cares about not upsetting his daughter.

Normally we have such a close loving relationship but whenever she's here I feel completely invisible and unimportant, like I'm just a spare part.

I'm starting to resent her being around which is going to cause all sorts of problems if we don't get this fixed. Please help??!

OP posts:

ChocoChou · 07/12/2016 13:36

Charlie how can the OP sleeping in her own bed be intruding on daddy/daughter time?

Atenco · 07/12/2016 13:37

I feel for you, OP, I can't imagine how hard being a stepparent is. But I think the reason people get upset at step-parents posting about their reluctance here on mumsnet is that we can imagine our own children being rejected by someone similar. My dd is separated from her ex and my dgd is 3. I can just imagine the confusion for dgd when her dad finds someone new.

So I do think you have to accept that for four days a month you will be a sort of mother and try to put the best interests of this child first in all the decisions you make on those days.

CharliePurple · 07/12/2016 13:55

The OPs step daughter is five. She goes into her father's bed, how is it appropriate for his new partner to be sharing that bed when a child who is unrelated to her is in the bed?

sterlingcooper · 07/12/2016 13:59

Huh? For all we know he could have moved in with the OP, into her house...

BubbleGumBubble · 07/12/2016 14:02

The OPs step daughter is five. She goes into her father's bed, how is it appropriate for his new partner to be sharing that bed when a child who is unrelated to her is in the bed?

The OP has known the child a year so not a stranger. Plus what inappropriate things do you think the OP or the child will do laid in the same bed?
Would you say the OP and the child laying together on the sofa is also inappropriate?
Should SP's and DSC's never have any physical contact Charlie?

SomethingLikeFlying · 07/12/2016 15:17

The OPs step daughter is five. She goes into her father's bed, how is it appropriate for his new partner to be sharing that bed when a child who is unrelated to her is in the bed?

But Charlie it's her bed. Of course she's allowed to sleep in it next to the child's father! This isn't the same as going out for a few hours during the day so that dad and daughter can spend some one on one time together. She's perfectly entitled to sleep in her bed at night.

Original poster

Chesca345 · 07/12/2016 16:36

The OPs step daughter is five. She goes into her father's bed, how is it appropriate for his new partner to be sharing that bed when a child who is unrelated to her is in the bed?

Erm, it is my house, DP moved in with me. shall I get a tent and sleep in the garden?! Interesting that you think it's inappropriate for her to be in bed with me when everyone else is saying how natural it is...

OP posts:

Original poster

Chesca345 · 07/12/2016 16:42

we can imagine our own children being rejected by someone similar

I get it... I haven't been rejecting her though, I've been going along with everything with a smile, and then just crying silently to myself at night. It's a whole bunch of emotions this SM thing, there are great time and there are shit times. Just trying to reduce the shit times bit by bit.

OP posts:

Bobochic · 07/12/2016 16:45

I always refused to let the DSSs in our bedroom (though they would occasionally use our en suite bathroom in the day time, with permission). I needed my privacy. They grew up just fine

Original poster

Chesca345 · 07/12/2016 16:56

All this focus on the 5am wake up is a red herring.

Completely agree. It's not the time, it's not the nakedness, it's how I feel I'm treated on those weekends. DP calls all the shots and I suck it all up.

OP posts:

averylongtimeago · 07/12/2016 17:05

I have a stepmother, she and my df moved in together when I was little, I first met her when I was 5. She wasn't unkind, but I did feel in the way, even at 5. I never had a cuddle from her, she never in all the time I have known her, given me a hug or as a child a kiss. I was never allowed in their room. Mind you, there weren't many cuddles from df either
I was never introduced to her friends, never bought any presents except a token one at Christmas or my birthday.
Do you think I love her? We have a polite and surface friendly relationship. My f2f has not seen his grandchildren for almost 20 years and has never seen his great grand kids.

Is this what you want?

On the other hand, a close relative is married to a man with a daughter. The dd was about 8 when they met, and is an adult now. They are very close, she visits every week and has an excellent relationship with her df and her half sisters.

Being a step mum is difficult, but you can make it work and if you do, it will be rewarding for all.
Remember, children come first.

Original poster

Chesca345 · 07/12/2016 17:23

And if sucking it up is what being a SM is all about, that's fine, I'll either find a way to deal with it or I'll move on. I don't think it is though. This conversation has helped me work out the situations where I should stand my ground, and the situations where I need to give myself wholly and embrace my new family, so thank you everyone for all the advice. (except for the horrible people, you suck and are probably just bitter that I get 12 days off )

OP posts:

Bobochic · 07/12/2016 17:30

There is no relationship, correlation or causation between imposing boundaries so that your SDC do not invade your personal space, and having a good relationship. My DSS1 is 21 and currently travelling in South Korea. He WhatsApps me with news and kisses . We are there for each other when we need each other and he knows I will never let him down.

swingofthings · 07/12/2016 17:31

The issue is that it is not about what your SD wants, it would appear that the issue is about what your DP wants. What he wants is time with his daughter in bed in the mornings she comes to see him. That's reasonable.

What you want is some time for yourself. That's reasonable. The problem is that you want to call the shots as to when you should have your time for yourself rather than coming up to a compromise.

It's not hard to come up with some sort of agreement, ie. if it is before 7am, he goes with her in her bed (or sofa). If it's after 7am, she can stay. If it's every single morning she is with you, then maybe you can agree that she can come Saturday mornings, but Sunday is your time for a lie in, so he gets up with her.

The point is that if you start to tell your OP what he should do or not do with his DD which contravenes to his beliefs or wishes, then you will find yourself in conflict.

BubbleGumBubble · 07/12/2016 17:50

It is very much pick you battles OP

2 days out of 14 the child is there so you have to accept you are not his priority is it not enough that you get 12 child free days as a couple? Is it worth picking that as a battle? If it is then you are in the wrong relationship and need to find a man who has no DC.

Honestly as she gets older you will find bigger things you need to stand your ground on...save your energy for those battles

cauliwobbles · 07/12/2016 17:57

She's only 5, she's still a small child who probably is benefiting a great deal from the time she spends with you. I don't think it unreasonable that 2 days out of 14 you are woken by her and welcome her into your bed for cuddles. Stick a long t shirt by the bed and pull it on when she comes in. Stick the tv/iPad on if she won't settle back down and watch a film or a few episodes of her favourite programme, have a cup of tea and make her some chocolate milk, this could cement your relationship and how she feels about you as she grows up.

And above all thank God it's only every other weekend as when they're yours yours it's every bloody day!

Atenco · 07/12/2016 20:44

Your last post sounds quite insightful, OP.

Good luck going forward

foodiefil · 07/12/2016 22:46

He'll start to resent you if you resent her.

She's his priority and every other weekend is nothing at all. Think about it from her perspective. She will pick up on these vibes, 5 or not.

You need to find a way to like her. Do your own thing on those weekends and come back when you feel refreshed.

From,
A stepmother

satinthedark · 08/12/2016 09:25

Get a clock set a time and teach her with kindness.

My 9 yr old DS comes in to bed on a Sat and Sunday for a 5 mins cuddle and "chat". I have learnt so much about him and his life during these times. Those little or big things which are important and he also knew that he could tell me anything. Apprently it is easier if you lie on your side,wiht your back to your mother but she has an arm round you - to tell you their fears, worries etc.

He now brings me a cup of tea aswell! It eases the pain!

As to resenting the child, you either need to sort it or walk. She will know

Libby34 · 08/12/2016 16:18

I have a DSD, and I wouldn't be happy if she got into our bed. She's a very good sleeper though and I usually wake up before her. I usually wale up and play on my phone a bit and she'll wake up during that time (her bed is in our bedroom). Once she's awake me and DSD get up for breakfast. She's pretty good, just seems to know not to come into our bed (guessing she doesn't go in mums bed at home because she's never tried to get into ours). We sit on my bed for the bed time story and she sleeps in our bed for sleepovers (when my niece comes to visit) but despite being young she understands it's our bed and she has her own. I think it helps that she has a hello kitty bed frame with paw patrol bedding, wall stickers and bunting over her bed, so it's very personal to her tastes so I suppose our bed is pretty boring to her. I think in your case one of you needs to get out of bed and take her to the lounge when she comes in to you in the morning.

satinthedark · 08/12/2016 22:48

OMG -would seriously not want to miss my cuddle time either.

Teach a time and accept after that, she can and you realise that.

this is no difficult but resentment of the child is a huge issue.

bluebell9 · 09/12/2016 13:19

I'm a SM to 2 DSC. My DP moved into my house and the DSC stay with us 1-3 nights a week, depending on work of my DP and ExW.

I found it difficult at first. And being truthful, I did resent the situation a little. My home wasn't the peaceful place it once was and I couldn't have my DPs attention like I could when it was just the 2 of us. But my DSC didn't choose the situation, it wasn't their fault I felt like that. I had to make a choice; adapt and enjoy having the kids or end the relationship. I'm very glad I chose to adapt and found the enjoyment in having these 2 great kids in my life.

You mentioned feeling invisible and unimportant, if your DP knows or senses you are feeling resentful to your DSD, he may be compensating with more affection for her. Or feeling hurt that you are feeling resentful.
My DP was similar at the start, but the more effort I made with my DSC, the more DP appreciated it and showed it in how affectionate he was.

The eldest used to wake up about 5am. My DP bought a clock for his room and told him he wasn't allowed to wake us up until 7am. They will come in for a cuddle in the morning, I'll grab PJs when I hear them getting up or wear PJs to bed. If I want a lie in, my DP takes them downstairs or if my DP is going to have a lie in, I take them downstairs.

I'm not a parent to the kids, but I have a parenting role when they are with me. Luckily I work with my DP as a team (as corny as that sounds) and I think that is what make it work so well for us.

It isn't always perfect, sometimes I overstep the line and get too involved where I'm not needed and sometimes my DP takes me for granted too much where the kids are concerned. But we talk it through and as time goes on, its getting easier and easier.

Good luck OP, I hope it all works out for you.

KellyBoo800 · 13/12/2016 09:37

You are effectively saying that this little girl cannot have cuddles in bed with her dad. She doesn't get to grow up with the happy memory of waking up and going to have a cuddle in bed with her dad.

I am a stepmum and I value my me-time too. But by the time DSD was 5 she knew to always knock on our bedroom door and wait to be invited in (so that if I was naked I could get some pyjamas on) but I would never begrudge her that time in bed with us in the mornings. In fact I think it massively helped my relationship with her because we really bonded over it. She is 7 now and very rarely comes in for a cuddle any more because she's happy to let us sleep in in the mornings whilst she makes her breakfast etc and I really miss those early morning cuddles.

You really sound like you resent her and that is the issue here, not a little girl having a cuddle with her dad in the morning.

amelie427 · 18/12/2016 19:21

I usually sleep naked, but when my partner's son stays with us (every other weekend and once during the week), I wear PJs. He comes in for his precious cuddles and then my partner takes him downstairs.

Of course I have plenty of moments of feeling like a spare part in my own home, but I let myself feel it - and then I have a word with myself to be sure that I remember what's important. My partner's son is number one - I don't want to take any time away from them. We have plenty of time alone together, and their morning cuddles won't last forever.

I totally understand your frustrations, OP, but - I mean this in the necessary possible way - you've sort of got to get over it.

amelie427 · 18/12/2016 19:31

Just read through more of these posts and see that you totally understand the importance of these moments, so apologies if I implied that you didn't. I totally understand how difficult this is and I completely relate to you (I've had plenty of lonely tears too). I've been in this situation for about 5 years (DSS is now 8), and it does get better. You're doing really well considering it's only been a year - it will never be easy, but you'll make your peace with it eventually. I still struggle, and probably always will to some degree, but it really does get easier.

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