Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Selfish to ask for own space in own home??!

137 replies

Chesca345 · 05/12/2016 23:21

My other half's 5yo daughter comes to stay with us every other weekend and it's killing me! We've been together 2 years, she's been coming over for just over a year. He completely dotes on her every move and she can do no wrong in his eyes (he's still feeling mega guilty for leaving her when he ended his relationship).

I have no kids of my own so I find the whole experience of suddenly having a small child in the house pretty full-on at the best of times but one thing that is completely stressing me out more than anything else is that in the mornings as soon as she wakes up she's allowed to come and get into bed with us.

It sounds trivial but it's a time when I just need my own space. I sleep naked and would like the simple decency of being able to get up and put clothes on and then invite her into the room when I'm good and ready. I spend the whole weekend doing things with her, I just want 30 mins of 'me time' first thing!

We're usually pretty good at working through problems and finding compromises, but he just can't understand how I could be so callous as to want to tell her she can't come in until she's invited.

His side of the argument is that this time is really precious to him and he doesn't want to miss out on any of it.

He doesn't seem to realise/give a shit (not sure which yet) about how upset this is making me, and only cares about not upsetting his daughter.

Normally we have such a close loving relationship but whenever she's here I feel completely invisible and unimportant, like I'm just a spare part.

I'm starting to resent her being around which is going to cause all sorts of problems if we don't get this fixed. Please help??!

OP posts:
FeralBeryl · 06/12/2016 06:09
Hmm She. Is. A. 5. Year. Old.

The problem here is neither her, or her Dad, who is rightly putting her needs first. It is yours.

You need to look at your priorities, you are a member of mumsnet, take a look back at the damage caused to others by feeling rejected in their own home.

Either work on your own issues as to why you feel usurped by a child, one who you knew existed long before you arrived. Or go, you think because you are actively spending nice time with her that she won't pick up on your hostility-kids aren't daft.
At the moment she obviously really cares about you too, or she would be dragging him out of the bed to 'steal' him away from you. You can fix this if you choose to.

Oh and pyjamas wouldn't kill you for a couple of nights a month. But that really isn't the issue here is it.
Morning cuddles were my only reason for wanting children Smile

iwanttobemissmarple · 06/12/2016 06:37

Yes you are selfish. Wear pyjamas when she visits. No child should EVER need to be invited into their parents room.

I suggest you split. His dd will always come first.

What about when she's a teen & needs picking up on a Friday/Saturday night? You'll be accusing her of ruining your weekend. We don't go out or have a drink that much on the weekend anymore as we are always ferrying or picking up. We live in the arse end of nowhere so have no choice!

Thepurplehen · 06/12/2016 07:08

You'll get a lot of stick on here for your honesty but I think you have a right to some basic privacy.

Yes, she's a little girl, yes, she means no harm etc etc

She's not your child though and you will never feel like her parent in lots of situations.

I think it's right for you and your partner to compromise. Your feelings are NOT irrelevant here.

zippey · 06/12/2016 07:19

When she comes into your bed can you not go into her bed (now empty) for a lie in?

Also why are you spending the whole weekend doing things with her? Doing some things is ok but most of the time should be between parent and child only. Tell him to take her out while you stay in. Or vice versa.

BubbleGumBubble · 06/12/2016 07:21

OP has 12 child free nights out of 14 I think that is enough of a compromise.

I detest it when people dress up spite as honesty Hmm

Livelovebehappy · 06/12/2016 07:40

Sometimes I really wonder if a lot of posts on the step parenting threads are wind ups! If it was every single morning, you might have a point, but four or five mornings a month??? You have many more years of him putting DD first I'm afraid, so if you can't hack it you should leave and find someone who is willing to put you first instead.

WannaBe · 06/12/2016 07:59

He should ltb.

Wallywobbles · 06/12/2016 08:00

I get this. I don't like my kids in my bed, like my dsc in the bed even less. They've grown out of it now thank god.

Being a step parent is hard. It's ok to take a step back on parenting and let your DP do 80% of it all. I treat all 4 kids the same. Equal opportunités household! Everyone is expected to help with everything.

Their quality of life has improved hugely by being in my home and being having the same opportunities as my kids but we have all had to make big compromises. We've just started living together after nearly 3 years. And it's tougher than I expected and we only have DSC 50%.

Good luck.

catinbooots · 06/12/2016 08:06

What a depressing OP

Poor child

Original poster
Chesca345 · 06/12/2016 08:59

Ok, well clearly I've misjudged this one, thanks for your comments.

Just for the record, I'm fine with her coming into bed for cuddles, we spend many hours every weekend doing this and I enjoy that time and don't want to take it away from DP, would just rather it was an 8am cuddle rather than a 5am cuddle, but I guess I better get used to it :)

Please don't be so quick to judge me. Just trying to muddle my way through what is still a relatively new and challenging experience.

OP posts:
BubbleGumBubble · 06/12/2016 09:03

But it wasn't the "time of day" that bothered you in your OP it was
It sounds trivial but it's a time when I just need my own space. I sleep naked and would like the simple decency of being able to get up and put clothes on and then invite her into the room when I'm good and ready.

Buy her a gro clock and see if that helps.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 06/12/2016 09:05

I think it would be very cold of you to turn a small child out of your room for the two mornings per fortnight she gets to come and cuddle in with her daddy. I also think that when she stops doing this you'll find fault with something else she does because your annoyance is a symptom of the real problem which is you are jealous and want to be number one. Honestly I think you need to find a man with no children who will always put you first

Twatty has put it perfectly.

If you didn't resent this poor little soul, you would wear pyjamas on "her" weekend and let her cuddle her daddy without making an issue of it. She must really miss him, and he obviously misses her.

She's his child - she will grow up and become independent, but will always need her relationships with both her parents.

If you can swallow your resentment and join your DP in cherishing her, then you have a much better chance of staying in his life.

mirokarikovo · 06/12/2016 09:06

It's only 2 nights in 14 - I think you can wear a nightie/PJs for those 2 nights.
But a 5yo is old enough to understand that waking their parents at 5am is not reasonable, especially at the weekend. Get a gro-clock, set the sun-coming-up time for 7am and be very firm that she can't come into your bedroom until the sun appears.

SomethingLikeFlying · 06/12/2016 09:09

He should get up with her when she wakes up. Make her breakfast, snuggle on the couch, get her ready for the day ahead etc... If he wants to spend time with her then surely dozing in bed isn't time well spent?

SomethingLikeFlying · 06/12/2016 09:10

In other words you have a dp problem because he isn't managing the situation properly.

idontlikealdi · 06/12/2016 09:16

Poor little girl. If you can't deal with it you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone with cxhildren.

fairytaleisgone · 06/12/2016 09:21

YABU and mean. She has the right to stay with her father wherever she pleases. Anyway their time is short, her concern shouldn't be walking in & seeing a woman who doesn't have enough decency to not sleep naked 4 nights/month. Jesus, feel sad for her.

Tootsiepops · 06/12/2016 09:27

If he wants to spend time with her then surely dozing in bed isn't time well spent?

But dozing in bed with your child, all dopey and warm and snuggled up, is one of the very best things about being a parent. I think, short of unprompted kisses from my one year old, it is the one thing that brings me the most peace and contentment in life.

SomethingLikeFlying · 06/12/2016 09:32

Tootsie True true. I love cuddles with my kids in bed. At 5am though I'd be telling my 5 year old to go back in their own bed as its not time to get up yet. My 3 year old has attempted to get in bed with me at silly o'clock on numerous occasions and I just give him a kiss and a cuddle and put him back to bed and he goes back to sleep.

mrssapphirebright · 06/12/2016 09:45

I think you are seriously getting a hard time over this OP.

You are well within your rights to not appreciate a child who isn't yours coming into your bed at 5am!

I would not have wanted either of my dc climbing into bed with me. You can have cuddles snuggled up on the sofa in the morning, afternoon, evening etc. If you like your personal space then I can see how this would be annoying. And if you work full time then you are entitled to want some peace and quiet and alone time at the weekends. This does not make you sound like an awful step mum. Iy actually sounds like you do lots for your dp's dd and that she clearly feels comfortable with you or else she wouldn't be happy getting into bed with you.

Of course your dp's dd will always come first, but as his partner he should respect your feelings too. especially if it bothers you that much.

Original poster
Chesca345 · 06/12/2016 09:55

it wasn't the "time of day" that bothered you in your OP it was
It sounds trivial but it's a time when I just need my own space. I sleep naked and would like the simple decency of being able to get up and put clothes on and then invite her into the room when I'm good and ready.

Ok, well a major part of being ''good and ready' is being awake in the first place!

So to get this straight, should there be any rules and boundaries around when she can come in? Maybe my OP wasn't clear, but currently there are zero rules, which is where my frustration comes from. When I say "inviting her in", I mean finding a way to let her know when it's OK to come in. the fact that some of you are suggesting a gro clock suggests that I'm not being so unreasonable after all.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 06/12/2016 10:05

Interesting how you only mentioned 5 AM when you were told unanimously that you are mean and unreasonable. Hmm. The issues are different.

If a child is waking at 5 AM then she should be encouraged to go back to sleep. That being said, many parents let their small children come into bed with them if they're early risers because it means everyone gets some more sleep.

Original poster
Chesca345 · 06/12/2016 10:22

if you work full time then you are entitled to want some peace and alone time at weekends....

thank you, yes I work long hard hours, and even though we only have her EOW, that equates to 50% of all my personal time (which is fine, not resentful of that). I just need a break somewhere between Friday evening and Monday morning on those weekends to de-stress. All I'm asking is a small amount of time in the morning to gather myself together Confused

OP posts:
FeralBeryl · 06/12/2016 10:38

If you had mentioned the time in your OP - of course your responses wouldn't have been as harsh, you must have guessed that?
I think that's a whole other thread to be fair, lots of people have lived through the 5am starts and have some great advice.
Your DH needs to be addressing that more, is he seeing it as 'extra' time with her?
What time does she get up in the week?

SomethingLikeFlying · 06/12/2016 10:39

You're entitled to that time op whether you're a parent or a stepparent.

Swipe left for the next trending thread