Selfish to ask for own space in own home??!

[Chesca345]

My other half's 5yo daughter comes to stay with us every other weekend and it's killing me! We've been together 2 years, she's been coming over for just over a year. He completely dotes on her every move and she can do no wrong in his eyes (he's still feeling mega guilty for leaving her when he ended his relationship).

I have no kids of my own so I find the whole experience of suddenly having a small child in the house pretty full-on at the best of times but one thing that is completely stressing me out more than anything else is that in the mornings as soon as she wakes up she's allowed to come and get into bed with us.

It sounds trivial but it's a time when I just need my own space. I sleep naked and would like the simple decency of being able to get up and put clothes on and then invite her into the room when I'm good and ready. I spend the whole weekend doing things with her, I just want 30 mins of 'me time' first thing!

We're usually pretty good at working through problems and finding compromises, but he just can't understand how I could be so callous as to want to tell her she can't come in until she's invited.

His side of the argument is that this time is really precious to him and he doesn't want to miss out on any of it.

He doesn't seem to realise/give a shit (not sure which yet) about how upset this is making me, and only cares about not upsetting his daughter.

Normally we have such a close loving relationship but whenever she's here I feel completely invisible and unimportant, like I'm just a spare part.

I'm starting to resent her being around which is going to cause all sorts of problems if we don't get this fixed. Please help??!

And for the ridiculous post suggesting you should leave your own bed at 5am, don't even give it head space!

I used to sleep on the sofa when she first started coming round, so that they could share a bed. Definitely not going back to doing that!

Seriously? Horrible, no. Human, yes. Some of you people calling me horrible don't sound particularly nice yourselves

It is not normal/usual/'human' to be jealous of a 5 year old child. Pissed off you're woken up at 5am, fine. Annoyed at one night a fornight having to protect your modesty - borderline silly, but I just about get it. Annoyed a child wants to jump in bed - the same as any other 5 year old anywhere in the world - for a cuddle is bloody ridiculous.

What would you want for your own children? Will you stop sleeping naked? Will your child not be allowed a 5am cuddle?

DP told me I'd have to sit in the back of his car the first time I went out with him and his kids.
I laughed as I genuinely assumed he was joking. Then refused. I wasn't setting myself up for that. You should not be sleeping on the sofa. Would he be sleeping in bed with his 5 year old in a 'normal' family set up?
needsahalo of course it's different with your own children. I don't find it inappropriate to be naked around my own young children, but I would other people's. In fact, it's illegal isn't it?

I do not get annoyed with her jumping into bed. As I said earlier, the three of us spend lots of nice time playing in bed together in the morning. It just needs managing better, something which I'm sure we'll be able to work out.

As the step mum to my DS for the last 9 and a half years, since he was 6months old, full time and with him having no contact with his BM, although I get the feeling awkward originally I don't get why you are resistant to making your own relationship with his DD. I didn't set out to necessarily become my DS's mummy but we grew that way through developing love. (And if it's important to anyone he knows enough and that I am not his BM)

There is no need for her to be only his, as in, you could work on building some sort of kind relationship with her. This wouldn't have to be you enjoying having her in your bed but it could be that you empathise with her as a young child and respect the relationship between her and her dad. You could work on finding something you do enjoy about her and doing with her and grow a relationship from there. Then you might not mind donning some pjs and allowing DSD into your bed.

Other options like a clock for time and him taking her down stairs would help too.

Wow some people are being very hard on you op. I don't have any step children, one little boy of my own, he's only 8 months, I do have a sister 20 years younger as well as nieces and nephew, and I wouldn't want any of them in my bed. My own son when he's older yes but none of the others, I'd find it very uncomfortable, I'm just not a bed sharer except with Dh haha. I hope you can figure something out that works for everyone.

We are absolutely doing all those things, why do you think that I'm not interested in building a relationship with her? Often I spend more time playing with her than DP does, and there have been times where we have gone out just the two of us without DP. Every waking moment of the weekend is spent swimming, colouring in, cuddles in bed, going out to eat, playing in the park... All I want is 30 mins to myself in the morning to get my sh*t together, arrrgggh

I don't think I'd have been very comfortable with DSS regularly coming into our bed in the night (to me 5am is the night) really. Maybe I was just lucky that he never wanted to or saw it as an option, as reading this thread it seems it is much more 'normal' than I would have imagined at 5. I'm not sure what I'd have done.

When my DSS was still very young though, of course he'd come into our room early, like 7am or whatever, as soon as he had woken up. DP was always the one to get up with him and go downstairs to make him breakfast and play with him, have cuddles on the sofa - I could stay in bed and try to go back to sleep. Sometimes if I was already awake and/or I knew DP could do with a lie in, I'd get up with DSS - I really don't think he minded which one of us did, as long as we fed him and played with him. But it made sense for it to be DP most of the time.

It was wonderful when DSS started going downstairs himself and putting on the TV! Neither DP or I are morning people or natural early risers so it was such a treat to be able to sleep through at weekends without the 7am wakeup. But you know what...reading this thread I do miss the times when DSS would creep into our room and wake us up, or sometimes climb up on the bed if we were already both awake. He's 11 now and those times are long gone...

You've had some harsh feedback on this thread OP, because the tone of your OP does suggest more annoyance at your DSD than is really justifiable or healthy. That said, I certainly don't think you sound horrible or awful. There's some good advice here re gro clicks or your DP taking her back into her room and cuddling in her bed. Does he expect you to be in a hands on mother type role, in terms of all of you doing everything together? That is not reasonable IMO, you need time to yourself, they need time just the two of them, and he should be doing the heavy lifting re: parenting.

I don't think it was reasonable at all you having to sleep on a sofa bed. It's not reasonable being woken at 5am either.

Some things are a compromise too far, even if it is EOW!

However only you will know how much this is a build up of resentment that is based on you having to make too many compromises - or whether your expectations are not reasonable of what it is like having a 5 year old around.

I don't know if this helps or not, but if my DP had a 5 year old EOW, I'd expect a bit of indulgence, they just do! However, if that is spilling over into consistently antisocial behaviour - like 5am awakenings - then I'd be saying to DP this has to be tackled, over time, nothing changes fast, but progressing.

You could ask your DP to start getting her up straight from her bed, downstairs for breakfast, even if they are both still in their pajamas. It could be their time together, without you as you snooze and have a lie in. Even if it is just one of the days. You all win!

It's probably normal that DP spends most of that weekend with his daughter, but as toddlers your evenings after she's gone to bed at a reasonable hour should be yours, and also some relaxed downtime - where his daughter is with you both but you are doing your own things - otherwise it's a bit unhealthy intense. I would leave them for an afternoon or morning though regularly, just to give them some time alone.

I'd also just do one small thing with your DSD, one thing that is you and hers. I used to take my DSD to the shop for a treat, just a little walk. Simple and I never tried to be her best mate.

needsahalo of course it's different with your own children. I don't find it inappropriate to be naked around my own young children, but I would other people's. In fact, it's illegal isn't it?

Then put a nightshirt on? Is it too much to ask that a 5 year old is allowed access to her father when she wakes up?

As for 'of course it's different for your own children'... this is the child's father. His own child. If he and the OP have children is that child to have different children?

All I want is 30 mins to myself in the morning to get my sht together*

Welcome to parenthood, op! We'd ALL like 30 mins to ourselves to get our shit together . It's taken me a full year of being a mum to stop feeling sad and resentful of no longer having 30 mins to myself for anything, ever.

All this focus on the 5am wake up is a red herring.

Looking at the OP its this that jumps out

He doesn't seem to realise/give a shit (not sure which yet) about how upset this is making me, and only cares about not upsetting his daughter.

Because he is putting the emotional needs of a 5 yo, who would struggle to understand why she cannot go in to daddys room, above those of an adult you think its because he does not care about your feelings.
Have you thought that this little girl is sleeping in her own house/bed/room for 12 days then a different house/bed/room and it might be a little unsettling for her? She is waking up in unfamiliar surroundings (eow is a big gap for little ones) and is seeking out dad for comfort.
Of course the emotional needs of a child will come before the adults. You need to accept that and not turn it in to a competition about him not caring about you because he cares about his daughter.

Normally we have such a close loving relationship but whenever she's here I feel completely invisible and unimportant, like I'm just a spare part.

He sees her every 12 days so of course she will take up most if his time, she is 5 and 5 yo need lots of care and attention. Again you are seeing it as competition because you have to go 2 days without being number 1.

I'm starting to resent her being around which is going to cause all sorts of problems if we don't get this fixed. Please help??!

The problem is not her or him it is you and your inability to accept his child comes first both for his time and affection while she is there. You already resent her and unless YOU deal with it and stop competing with a 5 yo you will find other things to resent her for.

You are quite wrong, BubbleGumBubble. The kindest thing this little girl's father can do is to put appropriate boundaries in place to preserve all relationships here. What you are suggesting will only make her the centre of an undesirable and entirely avoidable conflict. No 5 year old should be waking anyone at 5 am unless there is an emergency.

All young children run into their parent's room as soon as they wake up. It is what they do. Maybe you should give your dp and his daughter some space at the weekend. I don't believe she comes in at 5am every morning she is with you. You added that in to get more people to agre with you.

What is so inappropriate about a child seeking comfort when they wake up?

Yes 5am is too early hence the suggestion that they get a gro clock and set a boundary for the time to wake up but to ban the child from the bedroom because the OP cannot manage to to cover up 2 days out of 14 is wrong.

to preserve all relationships here. What you are suggesting will only make her the centre of an undesirable and entirely avoidable conflict

The 5 yo is not the problem and given dad only sees her eow and sees the OP all the time is it not important to preserve that relationship (father child) , which cannot happen if the OP is resentful of the child. Regarding any conflict that is coming solely from the OP herself.

needsahalo I understand OP because I cannot sleep if I sleep in pyjamas etc. I take them off in the middle of the night hot and frustrated. I dont think this issue is solely around nakedness. I wouldn't want a child that wasn't mine in bed with me if I was dressed!
It is HIS child but it isn't HER child. Her parents split up. People need to realise children who have separated parents have some changes to their lives and boundaries that are appropriate for everyone in a new situation should be put in place.
The funniest thing I found was that DPs DC were never allowed in their bed (Mums choice), yet they were allowed all over ours

This may seem odd but what time do you put DSD to bed we put our DSD also 5 to bed way to early the first few visits. We now turn lights off for her at 8 so she wakes between 7- 7.30 with the clock changing at 7.15 so she never has to wait long before coming in our bed and we can be somewhat awake

Yes 5am is early but if you have naturally early risers, that's life. There was a long thread on here about tactics, most of which don't work if it's just your child's body clock. My 13 year old still rises at 5ish and I have kind of got used to it over the years.

Anyway I think it's perfectly normal for a child to get into bed with parents when they get up on the weekend and some of them do it till a good age so I think YAbvu.

People also need to realise that children of separated parents have already gone through massive change, and continue to do so with the introduction of stepparents and contact routines, all through absolutely no choice of their own.

It's not like his dd is there all the time, it's asking the op to wear pj's 4 nights a bloody month, it's not asking for much.

YABU. You're being selfish and precious.

If the "i am naked and she climbs in to bed" is the problem then why not ask DP to keep her on his side of the bed while you shove on some night clothes under the covers. Its not difficult.

Spot on Lunar
I think some posters are so focused on the SP's feelings and the oh so important boundaries they forget that their is a child involved and actually the bloody moaning adult should be the one to compramise as they ya know the adult.....apparently

Again though with the focus on the 5am wake up why is that the big issue? I think if the dad stopped this the OP would just find something else. She already admitted she is resentful of the attention the dd gets and she also resents that dad puts the child first.

The thing is, on the one hand there are obviously parents who choose not to let their child into their bed. So a stepparent should have some say in whether or not their stepchild is allowed to get into the bed or not.

On the other hand, stepchildren may need more reassurance and comfort from a parent than some, especially in a house that may not feel like home to them. Plus, if both parents and child want cuddles it is a shame they can't have them because of one other person.

Clearly the solution is to find a compromise.

You should sleep in the spare room when she is there so she can go in with her dad, it's her right and it's not appropriate for you to bed intruding on their time. YABU.

Charlie It's the OP's home and bed/room. She isn't intruding on their time together- she's just in her home doing normal things in her home like sleeping in her bed.

Hi OP,
I'm a SM to two girls and they have been told to knock before they open the bedroom door. Then I can scramble for my nightshirt/robe that I've left next to the bed and all is well. Luckily for me DH will happily get up bleary eyed and go downstairs with them to do breakfast etc. Or if he's had a particularly long week (I'm a SAHM) I'll take the reins and leave him in bed. Here's the good part though, after they've been fed and are sat playing/TVing etc I'll sneak off back to bed and have my nap while DH takes over.
Its compromise...
I get the whole "invisible" feeling sometimes too but honestly it doesn't bother me because I have his attention the rest of the time and they totally dote on their dad! It makes me sad when they leave and cry their eyes out. I also have a son and I can see how it must be hard for them to see someone else's child get their dads attention the rest of the time.
Step families are complicated but you sound as though you're trying and as I mentioned before it's about compromise and understanding you'll get there but please be careful how you phrase any concerns to DP as it can easily sound resentful towards DD